Another baby?

Sammy2012 · 23-05-2020 3:45pm #1

Just looking for some thoughts on the following. I am happily married with 2 kids ages 4 and 7. We are both 35. Have been together for 15 years. My husband has always said he doesnt want any more kids which I am okay with. I am enjoying spending time together as a family since lockdown started as we are both working from home. Kids are easy minded and are best friends so play together lots. We are getting to do lots of exercise and I am enjoying doing alot of running and I finally feel good in my body! However I have this longing for another baby and it wont go away. To be honest I've spent alot of time weighing up the pros and cons and my head says no but my heart says different. So I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me when will this longing go away? Or will it? Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

1hnr79jr65 · 23-05-2020 7:18pm

Each person is different so no one can really tell you if these thoughts will go away for you. Weighing up the pros and cons in your own head, is great that you can self rationalize internally, however it does not convey dealing with those thoughts effectively.

This is something you really need to discuss with your husband, for he will probably be the best person to discuss with. Maybe start off explaining how you feel right now, that in your body you feel good, your relationship is in nice place, kids are happy and safe. Perhaps lead on to the urge/longing you seem to have for another baby and how you both agreed before that 2 is enough.

This talk will help you both understand if emotionally, financially and practically having another child is the "right" thing to do. And i use the term right very loosely as things can change.

Loveinapril · 23-05-2020 7:50pm

I am in a similar predicament but I am 2 years older than you and I have 2 kids under three. I always saw myself with three children but I know that three kids will cause a lot of change (cars, holiday costs, size of our home etc.). It makes sense for us to stay with the two kids. My youngest is ten months and I found myself day dreaming about another baby, their name etc. I am trying really hard to stop that vision and stay in the here and now. If my thoughts drift off, I try to remind myself of the crappy pregnancy side effects, rough nights, the wind, the constant breastfeeding etc. I am trying to replace the rose tinted version of another baby with the practical. We want to add a dog to our family when the baby is older so I am trying to sit with that as the "next thing" we do. I personally always skip ahead to the future in most things so it feels weird to be finished maternity leave with no other babies planned as we got engaged, married and planned the kids very quickly despite being together over a decade. It is a hard thing to come to terms with but if you can't adjust your mindset you obviously need to speak with your husband again.

shesty · 23-05-2020 10:09pm

I have a third.Meh I mean, it's not that big a step once you have 2, if I am honest.Your 2 are bigger than my older 2 are, so I think it would be easier again.
I do think that you kind of have a number in your head and it is very hard to get past that.I would say to discuss it with your other half alright and see where it goes.

Cash_Q · 23-05-2020 10:20pm

Lots of people I know said it was easier going from 2 to 3 than it was going from 1 to 2.

(Just edited as I realised I addressed cars/holidays which was not raised by OP)

Most people I know who say they're finished having kids just *knew* when they had their last, they felt that it was right for them. If you're still having second thoughts/always wanted three, then those feelings might never go away and you might live to regret not acting on them.

The only person who can really guide you on this is your husband, he may be on board for a third, he may be open to the idea, or he may point blank refuse to entertain the idea. His position on it will obviously have a huge impact on your feelings, but his feelings are equally valid so if you want to make any kind of an informed decision on this, you have to be honest with him.

Good luck with your decision.

Shelli2 · 24-05-2020 9:38pm

shesty wrote: »

I have a third.Meh I mean, it's not that big a step once you have 2, if I am honest.Your 2 are bigger than my older 2 are, so I think it would be easier again.
I do think that you kind of have a number in your head and it is very hard to get past that.I would say to discuss it with your other half alright and see where it goes.

I would say it's a bigger jump. In practical terms most family packages are 2+2. Depending on your current car it may need to be changed.
Your house is also a consideration, do you have a spare bedroom.
It's possibly another set of college fees, education. Depending on the gap you could have visits to two schools plus a Childcare facility if working.

All of these things are only a consideration of course, and many families happily accommodate 3, 4, 5+ children.

It depends on personal values and each family can only decide for themselves personally.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 24-05-2020 9:44pm

Sammy2012 wrote: »

However I have this longing for another baby and it wont go away. To be honest I've spent alot of time weighing up the pros and cons and my head says no but my heart says different. So I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me when will this longing go away? Or will it? Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

That's called mother nature and she's a persistent wagon

she'll go away if you ignore her, a lot of women go through this.

Give yourself a time frame, say 12 months and come back to revisit those feelings. You might be surprised that those feelings are no longer as strong or are non existent.

If you still feel the same then it's time to talk. At least with a time frame you can put it out of your mind until then.

Curious1002 · 29-05-2020 11:12am

You have a happy family - so enjoy what you have. You obviously have way too much time in your hands so use it to do something useful and good for others. Adopt a dog! Or if this weird hunger for a kid doesnt go away then adopt a kid and give the unwanted human being a loving home.

Hannibal_Smith · 29-05-2020 1:13pm

Mod Note

Curious1002, welcome to Personal Issues. Please bear in mind that this is a forum where posters come seeking advice on an issue that is troubling them. As per the Forum Charter, posters are asked to respond with constructive advice. Whilst all advice is welcome, suggesting to an OP that their issue translates into having too much time on their hands, does nothing but trivialise an issue that is important to them. Furthermore your last line read as nothing more than an insult to the OP and is far below the standard expected here In PI and I have therefore removed it.

Please read the forum charter and familiarise yourself with the rules before posting here again.

ted1 · 29-05-2020 1:56pm

I’ve 3 ages 4,8 and 10.
The thought of going back to the beginning is very scary. The 4 year old is at the good stage in that he’s somewhat self sufficent, can cycle along if we are going for walks or cycles etc pit himself to bed etc

Having to go back to nappies , buggies, putting baby to bed early. Night feeds, not being able to relax I. Restaurants etc cause baby needs attention etc is really not appealing.

Tork · 29-05-2020 3:03pm

The decision about whether to have another child or not is something best decided by you and your husband. I don't think our current living conditions are a good time to be making such big decisions though. This might end up being the only time in most families lives where everyone's at home and living a less frantic life. Once things start to return to some sort of normal, you'll be back to juggling work and family commitments and it won't be so easy. Everyone has different thoughts on the jump from 2 to 3 kids. For every person who says moving from 2 to 3 was a breeze, you'll find another who said it made a huge difference. I wonder is that pesky biological clock and the nice weather/lockdown giving you a bad case of rose-tinted glasses? Maybe park any big decisions for a while and revisit once the lockdown is over.

As for the shocking comment posted by Curious1002 about adopting children, words fail me. They obviously know very little about adoption in Ireland these days. Very few children are put up for adoption these days, leading prospective parents to resort to things like paying for Eastern European surrogate mothers.

Sammy2012 · 29-05-2020 3:41pm

Thanks for all your advice. A week has passed since my original comment and as I know I'm passed my mid month the longing has gone from me. For now. Its definitely something to do with mother nature too. It's just the longing keeps coming up every month now! I love the ages my kids are at now and if I'm honest I probably should have pressed the issue when my youngest was around 2. But she was such a nightmare baby and toddler there was no way I would have entertained the notion. She didnt sleep a night until she turned 3. But shes so good now. I also think that I'm not ready for the stress that comes with a new baby. We like going on holidays and out for meals so that would also be a consideration too.

To the poster who said I have too much time on my hands. Thanks. We have a dog. Hes my first baby and I also have a cat. And we are a happy family but thanks for your input.

skallywag · 01-06-2020 10:27am

I think a major factor in play here is your husband's opinion, you mentioned that he does not want any more kids.

I am exactly the same, and I do not mean that in a way that I could be talked around, I really do not want more kids at this stage, I am done with that stage of life. I genuinely enjoyed it at the time, and have very fond memories looking back on it, but I would most certainly not want to go through it again, having gone through it all already.

Sammy2012 · 01-06-2020 11:49am

skallywag wrote: »

I think a major factor in play here is your husband's opinion, you mentioned that he does not want any more kids.

I am exactly the same, and I do not mean that in a way that I could be talked around, I really do not want more kids at this stage, I am done with that stage of life. I genuinely enjoyed it at the time, and have very fond memories looking back on it, but I would most certainly not want to go through it again, having gone through it all already.

Skallywag I fully understand where my husband is coming from. He is far more practical than me and less emotional! I also wouldn't like to talk him into something he does not want to do as it could have awful consequences down the road. As I said we have a good life and its probably just my hormones talking really so I'll be okay with it all at some point.

Tork · 01-06-2020 2:32pm

Have you done the maths on this? From immediate issues like extra childcare fees and changing your car right up to paying college fees. I work with a couple of people who can't afford to retire just yet (even though they'd like to) because they're still paying to put their youngest children through college. I've heard figures of between twelve and fifteen thousand euros a year been bandied about. I don't want to throw generalisations out there but there seems to be a need in women of your age to go "one more time". What you're thinking isn't abnormal in any way but does it make sense on a logical level?

major interest · 01-06-2020 2:59pm

Sammy2012 wrote: »

Just looking for some thoughts on the following. I am happily married with 2 kids ages 4 and 7. We are both 35. Have been together for 15 years. My husband has always said he doesnt want any more kids which I am okay with. I am enjoying spending time together as a family since lockdown started as we are both working from home. Kids are easy minded and are best friends so play together lots. We are getting to do lots of exercise and I am enjoying doing alot of running and I finally feel good in my body! However I have this longing for another baby and it wont go away. To be honest I've spent alot of time weighing up the pros and cons and my head says no but my heart says different. So I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me when will this longing go away? Or will it? Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

It is something you’ll have to discuss with your husband to see exactly where you both stand on it and whether your opinions are likely to change. From personal experience, the jump from 1 to 2 was actually the bigger change as it meant relocating and moving to a house. This move also meant being closer to grand parents so that helped a great deal. The subsequent move to 3 (and ultimately 4) children was less of an issue mentally but obviously there were practical considerations, getting bigger car, planning etc. They are relatively close in age as well between 2 to 9 - they get on well and have been great company for each other in the last few months with time spent together. It will vary from couple to couple though so you both should be on the same page whatever you decide.

Hannibal_Smith · 01-06-2020 2:59pm

I wasn't going to post this, but then again OP, it might be of some help, so I'll put it out there.

A few years ago, I really wanted another. Our two would probably have been similar in age to yours. Life was good and I was in the best shape of my life. It seemed to me like the perfect time for one more.

Anyhow, similar to yourself my husband was adamant he didn't want another and that was that. It would have meant a change in child care arrangements, changing cars and turning the house upside down. Not to mention the obvious expenses another child would bring. So we didn't do it.

Looking back I think the topsy turvey world of toddlers had calmed. With the youngest aged 4 and in school, we got a chance to catch our breathe again. And I think it was that calm that gave me space to think why not!

I'm glad we didnt now. He was dead right in the end. As I say, life really is good. The boys are of an age where not only are we having great craic with them, but they're carrying a bit of the house work load. Not going to lie, that is nice.

I'm trying to genuinely look back at it and see if I have any regrets to be honest with you, but hand on heart I can say I don't have any regrets about it at all!

Sunrise_Sunset · 02-06-2020 10:18am

I have two. Myself and my husband agreed on this number.
After my second, my hormones went haywire. I really wanted to have a third. That feeling probably didn't go away until my youngest was about 2.5/3 years old. Even now I still get the occasional pang, especially when I look back on pictures of them when they were little.

My hormones were also a bit crazy after my first. I always seemed to be most broody when I had a small baby, which is strange, because I had a baby in my arms but was longing for another one.

I know that 2 is our perfect family, but sometimes I wish things could be different. I wish we could afford the bigger house, the bigger car, college funds for another but the fact is that we can't. Sometimes the head has to win out over the heart.

Another baby?

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