Living with alcoholic mother, I have no life.

LegacyUser · 03-06-2020 7:23pm #1

My mother is an alcoholic and in her early 70s. It was a problem for years but the past year, since her brother died, its become a nightmare to deal with. She has had to be carried in by 3 taxi drivers in the last few months coming home from visiting friends. she nearly fell in a hotel for her birthday last year when we treated her to a weekend away, making a total show of us. She wont admit she is an alcoholic. She has said sorry after the taxis and vows to change but a few weeks later she is back to herself. Her family are mostly dead, just one sister left in Spain. She has lots of friends who like her but they don't have to pick her off the floor, don't have to deal with her cutting the family down when her tongue loosens.

Im in my mid 30s male and living at home until I get my own place (low salary and a large loan to pay off, cant just walk into a place) and my sister also agreed to move in for a few months to help me with her. I have literally no life, no friends at all. The highlight of my day is heading to the local shop to salute the workers or maybe head off for a walk and a break to get fresh air. The people I work with are ok but all have families and mates, no time to be thinking of someone like me. It really is true, it gets so hard and lonely when you are single after 30. The last straw was 2 weeks ago- she split her head open when drunk, ambulance called, she was aggressive with me and them, saying she was fine despite blood everywhere. Doctor told me if she doesn't change and give up drink she will die the next fall. Thankfully no damage after a CT scan but what happens the next time she falls? I told her im going to move out if she doesn't at least try to give it up, I just cant deal with it anymore. I rang Al Anon for advice, useless- just some bored volunteer who kept telling me about her life instead.

I know im too kind for my own good, and that's whats chaining me here- how could I live with the guilt of moving out and knowing she fell and was crying out for me whilst bleeding to death, that her last words were full of torment and nobody was there to help her- its that thought which keeps me here, I just know I couldn't live with the guilt. On the other hand, my life is slipping away. I do nothing but work and fetch, my life is completely empty and joyless. I have set boundaries in that I don't buy her any drink but she either gets a taxi to the supermarket or gets a friend to do it for her. Please help me, is there any soul out there who has experience of this? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to just move anywhere that I can afford and force her to fend for herself but aren't sons and daughters supposed to be there for their parents? She was certainly there for us growing up and the guilt/anger/resentment mixture has me living in despair.

Sorry for going on so long, im crying writing this. Thanks to anyone who read this far, if you have any insight or advice id love to hear it. Thank you.

Daisy78 · 03-06-2020 8:20pm

You poor love, you sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. The first thing I would say is talk to someone about what your going through, your sister, a friend, someone trusted. Even just having the support of another person is a help, even just to vent. I identify very much with your post, an ex of mine had a drinking problem which I put up with for years. I do understand that it’s not completely the same, in the end it was easier for me to cut ties with him than it would have been had he been a family member. An alcoholic will do, say and promise everything in the moment if it buys them a bit more time and tolerance from loved ones, enough time until the next time and on it goes. In my situation I realised that I was enabling my partners drinking, I thought if I was a supportive and caring girlfriend everything would right itself in the end. And of course it didn’t. Your mum won’t change until she wants to and that day might never come. I know you feel like you are abandoning her if you move out and on with your life but what are you achieving by continuing to act as her crutch. You have a duty to yourself and well-being as much as to your mother. If you did move out it might actually prompt her to do something about this.

You need to make plans to move out and you need to make this clear to your mother that this is happening. You are only facilitating your mothers drinking problem by continuing to live there with her as her minder. I know you said you wanted your own place but would you even in the short term consider a flat share? At least it would give you the breathing space you need. You come across as a very kind hearted guy but you need now to start putting yourself first.

IWishIHadKnown · 03-06-2020 8:29pm

Hi op,

First off, I am sorry to read all you are going through. I think it is a good move to have chosen to post here and look for help/advice.
As somebody who has been in your position, I can very much relate. In my case, it was one parent and two other close family members. I could only walk away, once I felt I had exhausted every possible option to help the parent, in particular. They were younger than your parent, but had been warned by medical professionals that their body couldn't take any more, etc. I tried and tried to get them help, attended all their medical appointments, agreed to manage their finances so they wouldn't have money on hand to buy alcohol, made sure they took Antabuse as prescribed by their doctor, supported them through treatment programs... I could go on and on.... Nothing worked, until they decided they wanted a different life. The kickstart to this was due to their health deteriorating so much so that they were very ill and, more or less, had little to no choice. They sought treatment and they have managed to maintain their sobriety, in spite of a short relapse.
Looking back, I would advise anybody in a similar position to spend more time working on themselves and less time on the person in addiction. I enabled so much, by simply being so afraid of loss and wanting to protect each of those family members. However, all that did was prevent them from facing their own reality. Some people never make it out of addiction, which is a very difficult thing to come terms with, but something I learned to accept. I started working on myself and I began grieving for that parent, in particular, and by doing that, I could walk away.
I can feel the pain, anguish and loneliness in your post. I know how it is to feel so alone. Please prioritise your life. Maybe give Al-Anon another go - I found the in-person meetings helpful, even though I was still probably too young for them. AA are running meetings online, so I would imagine Al-Anon are too. If that isn't for you, you could look at counselling. There are low-cost options for those who are struggling. It has been the best money I ever spent as, at first, it offered me a space to vent and feel heard. Then, when I was ready, if offered me a chance to grow and work on myself.
If it is of any interest, I have a relationship with that parent now. It is a complicated one, but it is a lot better than what it was. I hope they won't ever drink again, but I accept that is outside of my control.
I hope other people will reply and offer you advice. You cannot help your mother, unless she is open to being helped. And, really, the hard work would have to come from her. What you can do is let her know that you will support her, if she decides to seek help. In the meantime, put yourself first. I know that is very complicated, when you have to share a living space with someone in addiction, so easier said than done.
I wish you all the very best.

KiKi III · 03-06-2020 8:36pm

My mother gets great benefits out of al Anon.

My dad, my brother and I are all alcoholic/ problem drinkers who are now sober (dad 25 years, me six years, my brother a few months) Experience tells me she won’t admit she’s an alcoholic just because you keep telling her, she has to realise it herself and the denial can go very deep.

Instead of making it “you have to get off the drink”, could you ask her to do a 30 day challenge of no booze just to see what difference it makes in her life? If she can’t or won’t, that tells it’s own story.

It’s great that your sister is going to help. I would also recommend moving out ASAP. In the meantime, you need to start developing a life of your own. Download a dating app and start chatting to nice girls in the area, research new hobbies and community groups you could get involved with locally.

It’s essential that you start building a life of your own. This might involve some counselling if you can afford it. If not there are free and cheap communities online or throw yourself into al Anon.

whomadewho · 03-06-2020 10:06pm

I know what you are going through Op, I could have written the same story.
I had enough of giving talks to my mam over her drinking, it was going in one ear and out the other so recently I just gave her an ultimatum.
A. Get treatment
B. Go cold turkey, I would move into her house and stop her going out to buy drink.
C. Continue on her path of destruction and loose her family and drink her self to death and I will bury her down the line, which woulnt be to far the way she was drinking.
She picked A, and is now going through a treament program.
She now says it is best thing she has ever done and wished she had done it sooner.
Tough love worked for me Op. Give it a try, the penny might finally drop.
Best of luck

the14thwarrior · 03-06-2020 11:16pm

I feel for sorry for you, because there are no easy answers.
Moving out may give you some respite, but your problems will still be there, and you do have a large debt to pay off.
I think you should stay put and work at paying off your debt as much as possible, if you can handle it.
but definitly need to change or alter your mindset and face reality.
she probably will never change.
she may one day hurt herself badly, she may not, she may end up developing dementia (alcohol induced) but she may not. IN short, she's survived this long, no way of knowing what the future holds.

Unfortunately you will need to let her do what she is doing. because all options to change or make amends, or seek treatment, it just didn't happen.

what you need to do is limit the impact it has had on you as much as possible.
limit it in a way you've never done.
If she falls, call ambulance. and leave her to the hospital
try to ensure the house does not go on fire, let her drink, you can't stop her
you are not responsible but you can act it when you need to.

You are right, it is lonely, can't bring people home, never sure what mood she will be in, and whether she is eating or drinking or passed out or what.
You can't blame yourself for caring, you are being the best son you can be but you need to limit the impact.
the reality is that you are living in her house and need to do your best
moving out will bring it's own problems. and i'm not sure you will have more control or less stress

Dog day · 04-06-2020 9:27am

Hi OP, your post was heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I see you’ve already received some good advice particularly in terms of getting support from Al Anon.

Aside from this I’d recommend that firstly you recognise that you can only do so much, your mother needs professional help & needs to acknowledge that herself. Would any of her close friends be in a position to help yourself & your sister communicate this to her?

Next it’s imperative that your sister moves in as a matter of priority, it’s not fair for you to be in this alone.

You mention moving out isn’t feasible at the moment but look to the future & consider renting a place, to have your own space will eventually be a great step to carving out a happier life for yourself. Could you perhaps apply for a moratorium on your current loan? Many banks are amenable to looking at granting these given the times we’re living through, this could free up some finances for you to try to move forward with getting your own place sooner rather than later.

As previously advised look into community groups you could join. Volunteering can be a great way to make new friends.

You genuinely sound like a lovely person, it’s entirely possible to make friends in your 30’s and beyond. Granted it’s a particularly tough time now but as restrictions start to ease look to see if there are any local sports teams you could join. Also look to see if there are any Men’s Sheds groups in your area, this is a great initiative that you may find helpful too. I wish you only good things.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-06-2020 9:58am

Soemptyallthetime wrote: »

I know in my heart of hearts that I need to just move anywhere that I can afford and force her to fend for herself but aren't sons and daughters supposed to be there for their parents? She was certainly there for us growing up and the guilt/anger/resentment mixture has me living in despair.

That's what Al-Anon is there for. It's not to stop your mother drinking. It's to help you work through all these feelings.

Al-Anon can't give you advice on how to cure your mother. They can't do anything about your mother. They can't even do anything about you really. They can share their experiences with you. Let you know what worked for them in living a life with an alcoholic. But any change in this situation must come from you. Your mother isn't going to change. Not without something happening to force that change, anyway. So the only thing you have control over right now is yourself and what you do. If you continue to do the same things, then the same things will continue to happen.

Al-Anon meetings have been a lifeline for me and have actually contributed hugely to me making the changes I needed to make, and in turn made my alcoholic make the changes that he needed to make. I didn't go to Al-Anon hoping to "fix" my problem. I went to Al-Anon hoping to learn how I could deal with it. But by me dealing with it, it had the added bonus of fixing it too. (For now, it may last it may not).

http://storage.cloversites.com/recoveryatcokesbury/documents/A%20Merry%20Go%20Round%20For%20Femaile%20Alcoholic-%20final%20(1).pdf

Please read that link. It is the best piece I read from Al-Anon. And after a number of readings I knew what I had to do.

You can't control your mother's drinking. You can't stop her.

Living with alcoholic mother, I have no life.

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