Heard a very bad rumour about boyfriend

LegacyUser · 11-10-2020 10:06pm #1

I have been in a relationship for the last 9 months. Everything had been going so well and we get on amazingly. He has always appeared to be a lovely person. This has been the best connection I have ever had with someone. I had genuinely thought I had found my person.

We have a few mutual friends and one of them recently told me that there had been rumours about my boyfriend having a secret relationship with a 16 year old child when he was 25 and was with her until she was 19 and he was 28 (last year). As far as I knew he had been single for the past few years. He is a manager in a shop and this girl was a part-time employee. The mutual friend we have also worked there and has said she would always be in his office and around each other and flirting. He also said that at any staff party they were always together off in some quiet area.

I am going to directly ask my boyfriend about it, but if he says it was innocent I don't know if I can believe him. How can I approach this?

Rock77 · 12-10-2020 9:48am

adviceneededplease wrote: »

I have been in a relationship for the last 9 months. Everything had been going so well and we get on amazingly. He has always appeared to be a lovely person. This has been the best connection I have ever had with someone. I had genuinely thought I had found my person.

We have a few mutual friends and one of them recently told me that there had been rumours about my boyfriend having a secret relationship with a 16 year old child when he was 25 and was with her until she was 19 and he was 28 (last year). As far as I knew he had been single for the past few years. He is a manager in a shop and this girl was a part-time employee. The mutual friend we have also worked there and has said she would always be in his office and around each other and flirting. He also said that at any staff party they were always together off in some quiet area.

I am going to directly ask my boyfriend about it, but if he says it was innocent I don't know if I can believe him. How can I approach this?

Ask him... then either believe him or don’t.

You could go through a lot of boyfriends if you believe rumours and not your partner..

It could have been shop gossip because they got on well together..

bertiebomber · 12-10-2020 10:22am

just mention that ( her name ) called for him today and say you dont recognise the name and watch him squirm then you wont need to ask any other questions !

hedzball · 12-10-2020 10:26am

bertiebomber wrote: »

just mention that ( her name ) called for him today and say you dont recognise the name and watch him squirm then you wont need to ask any other questions !

Right man hater you eh?? Thats a right shiťy way of doing anything.

Be an adult and communicate.

Danzy · 12-10-2020 10:27am

bertiebomber wrote: »

just mention that ( her name ) called for him today and say you dont recognise the name and watch him squirm then you wont need to ask any other questions !

That's a bit 14 year old.

They are adults.

bertiebomber · 12-10-2020 10:30am

14 year olds dont put up with this **** only adults do !! the angst the wonderings catch him out and throw him out.....he was breaking the law if he likes such young flesh he will try it again save your self the misery down the line.

let me put it another way if a young dog kills a sheep all the training in the world wont stop him chasing sheep when your back is turned the taste for the blood of a sheep remains in the brain. Humans are animals after all..

JeffKenna · 12-10-2020 10:34am

You need to ask your boyfriend. That's quite a nasty rumour that people are spreading if not true.

Open the Pubs · 12-10-2020 10:51am

I mean you say if he tells you there is nothing in this, you won't believe him. It sounds like you don't trust him at all even before this.

I mean if all it takes to tank your relationship is one random unsubstantiated rumour, there isn't much there anyway.

What if it isn't true? Realistically he deserves better treatment than this and at the very least an honest hearing.

Jequ0n · 12-10-2020 10:54am

Make sure to live stream the execution so please the mob.

So this is based on the two having been seen flirting and talking to each other privately? That is truly horrendous, humanity at its worst.

People lie for all sorts of reasons, attention and entertainment amongst those. Be very wary of people and think about why they might so so forthcoming with information.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 12-10-2020 10:56am

Open the Pubs wrote: »

I mean you say if he tells you there is nothing in this, you won't believe him. It sounds like you don't trust him at all even before this.

I mean if all it takes to tank your relationship is one random unsubstantiated rumour, there isn't much there anyway.

What if it isn't true? Realistically he deserves better treatment than this and at the very least an honest hearing.

Oh come on, there's not much to the relationship because she's been told a pretty nasty rumour about her boyfriend??

Rubbish.

Most people would want clarification on this, if they heard their partner had engaged in an underage relationship.
And if your perception of relationships is that your partner is always beyond question or reproach, maybe you need to examine your own attitude toward partners and relationships.

scarepanda · 12-10-2020 10:58am

Why has this person only recently told you about this rumour? Surely, if true, it's something that should have been mentioned to you when ye got together and not 9 months in?

1hnr79jr65 · 12-10-2020 12:13pm

Op, there are alot of things to carefully consider with this rumor.

1. If you ask your bf and he denies this and you dont trust him, the relationship is doomed.
2. Even if u ask and he denies the relationship maybe doomed by putting such a heavy question to him as trust could be broken from his view.
3. If you ask and he confirms a relationship of sorts it depends if it was sexual or non sexual. The person who made the allegation could be stirring the pot for own reasons even if non sexual relationship. Your bf could have waited till girl was of consenting age for any sexual relations.
4. You ask, he confirms underage sexual relations, you may be obligated to inform the gardai on knowledge of underage relations.
5. He denies and is telling truth, you break up with him as you dont trust him, if you tell anyone, then bf potentially brings defamation case against you and person who spread this rumor as it will follow him for end of his days even if innocent.

You need to consider how to approach this subject very carefully as alot of peoples lives could be ruined from this rumor, yours included.

Rock77 · 12-10-2020 12:55pm

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Oh come on, there's not much to the relationship because she's been told a pretty nasty rumour about her boyfriend??

Rubbish.

Most people would want clarification on this, if they heard their partner had engaged in an underage relationship.
And if your perception of relationships is that your partner is always beyond question or reproach, maybe you need to examine your own attitude toward partners and relationships.

That’s not what the poster you replied to said though is it?

What was said was, there’s not much to the relationship because the op said if she asks her boyfriend and he says it’s not true, she won’t believe him. Now that’s a lot different than what your pretending was said

Xterminator · 12-10-2020 1:35pm

Hi Op

relationships are all about trust & You dont trust this man, that is clear from your original post.

Has he ever done anything that you know of to cause you to doubt him, or is the lack of trust mainly emotional baggage you have brought to the relationship.

If he is not trustworthy, then end it.
If he is trustworthy and your the one with emotional baggage, then take his word as the truth until you have a reason not to.

cj maxx · 12-10-2020 10:57pm

You have to ask him about these rumours. Then you have to decide if you believe him .
I can tell you from experience that work colleagues bitch and gossip about coworkers and their boss/ supervisor.
If your mutual friend has a slight grievance against either your boyfriend or the girl in question then rumours spread like wildfire and become a defacto secret that is spread around with little or no truth.
Ask him.

Fakediamond · 14-10-2020 8:11am

bertiebomber wrote: »

14 year olds dont put up with this **** only adults do !! the angst the wonderings catch him out and throw him out.....he was breaking the law if he likes such young flesh he will try it again save your self the misery down the line.

let me put it another way if a young dog kills a sheep all the training in the world wont stop him chasing sheep when your back is turned the taste for the blood of a sheep remains in the brain. Humans are animals after all..

There’s nothing in OP’s post to indicate that he broke the law or even that it was anything more than an infatuation or harmless flirting.

Katgurl · 18-10-2020 12:36pm

Just say to him "someone came and said this to me today... " And see what he says. No accusations or demands for explanations.

Listen to what he says and watch how he reacts.

It's up to you if you believe him. I find it weird you have already decided you won't believe him.

Bear in mind he might not sit down and give you a defence as he might be furious if this is an untrue rumour rearing it's head again.

Again, you have to ask him and you have to pay attention to his reaction then decide for yourself.

It might not be totally black and white.

When I was 16 I was sleeping with a 25 year old for a number of weeks. He met me in a nightclub and had no idea what age I was. He did catch me out at one stage and was horrified. That was the end and I was heartbroken. Many many years later it dawned on me the horrendous situation I put him in.

IAMAMORON · 18-10-2020 12:59pm

adviceneededplease wrote: »

We have a few mutual friends and one of them recently told me that there had been rumours about my boyfriend having a secret relationship with a 16 year old child when he was 25 and was with her until she was 19 and he was 28 (last year). As far as I knew he had been single for the past few years. He is a manager in a shop and this girl was a part-time employee. The mutual friend we have also worked there and has said she would always be in his office and around each other and flirting. He also said that at any staff party they were always together off in some quiet area.

In brief op, his past and former relationships are none of your business. I have dumped partners before for bringing up my past. It is his past and not yours.

16 year old people have sex all the time. Calling a 16 year old girl who is sexually active a child is nonsense. At 25 it is bit excruciating and not a comfortable one, but it sounds like they were partners for 3 years, so I actually could live with it. Either way, it is completely none of your business.

Hannibal_Smith · 18-10-2020 1:23pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

In brief op, his past and former relationships are none of your business. I have dumped partners before for bringing up my past. It is his past and not yours.

16 year old people have sex all the time. Calling a 16 year old girl who is sexually active a child is nonsense. At 25 it is bit excruciating and not a comfortable one, but it sounds like they were partners for 3 years, so I actually could live with it. Either way, it is completely none of your business.

17 is the legal age for consent and when it involves a person in a position of authority - ie a manager - it is 18. It is not unreasonable for the OP to want to address. Fear of him breaking up with her isn't a reason to say nothing.

IAMAMORON · 18-10-2020 1:59pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

17 is the legal age for consent and when it involves a person in a position of authority - ie a manager - it is 18. It is not unreasonable for the OP to want to address. Fear of him breaking up with her isn't a reason to say nothing.

Yes very true. I know the law.

This is not some sort of sleazy Scout leader or swimming instructor either. Anyway, you are still 16 years old 16 years and 364 days after you are born. Lets not get too technical on this.

But you also know that most people are sexually active a long time before this. For example if you live in Newry you can be married at 16.

The previous sexual encounters of anyone's partner's is really no one else's business.

Rock77 · 18-10-2020 2:04pm

I thought this thread might go this way...

The OP was told her boyfriend got on well with this sixteen year old and flirted a bit. Someone then started a rumour that they were together.

Nobody knows if the OP’s boyfriend was ever with this young one.

Katgurl · 18-10-2020 2:05pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

In brief op, his past and former relationships are none of your business. I have dumped partners before for bringing up my past. It is his past and not yours.

16 year old people have sex all the time. Calling a 16 year old girl who is sexually active a child is nonsense. At 25 it is bit excruciating and not a comfortable one, but it sounds like they were partners for 3 years, so I actually could live with it. Either way, it is completely none of your business.

Sorry but this is rubbish. A 25 year old knowingly having a relationship with a 16 year old is concerning

IAMAMORON · 18-10-2020 2:10pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Sorry but this is rubbish. A 25 year old knowingly having a relationship with a 16 year old is concerning

I agree.

Rock77 · 18-10-2020 2:12pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Sorry but this is rubbish. A 25 year old knowingly having a relationship with a 16 year old is concerning

Again, just for context, nobody knows if the OP’s boyfriend had a sexual relationship with this 16 year old girl. It was office gossip.

In general it is completely wrong obviously.

IAMAMORON · 18-10-2020 2:21pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Sorry but this is rubbish. A 25 year old knowingly having a relationship with a 16 year old is concerning

It is concerning, but I don't think it is horrific. A lot of people experiment sexually in their teens, it is not always detrimental. I respect that it is technically illegal, but we all know that things go on at that age, not always , but it happens.

But 25 year olds' should know better. I was managing pubs and bars at that age and kept strict personal guidelines about that type of thing. But shít happens.

Hannibal_Smith · 18-10-2020 3:21pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Yes very true. I know the law.

This is not some sort of sleazy Scout leader or swimming instructor either. Anyway, you are still 16 years old 16 years and 364 days after you are born. Lets not get too technical on this.

But you also know that most people are sexually active a long time before this. For example if you live in Newry you can be married at 16.

The previous sexual encounters of anyone's partner's is really no one else's business.

I think the technicalities are what makes it the OPs business. If it was me, I would want to know the truth.

And yes it's a rumour and no one knows if it's true, but I certainly wouldn't file it in the category of it being possibly just another previous sexual encounter that would be none of the OPs business.

OP, not sure whether you have addressed it with your boyfriend or not yet but I certainly would. Don't assume the rumour is right, but listen to him.

IAMAMORON · 18-10-2020 3:38pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I think the technicalities are what makes it the OPs business. If it was me, I would want to know the truth.

And yes it's a rumour and no one knows if it's true, but I certainly wouldn't file it in the category of it being possibly just another previous sexual encounter that would be none of the OPs business.

OP, not sure whether you have addressed it with your boyfriend or not yet but I certainly would. Don't assume the rumour is right, but listen to him.

For sure, even I want to know the truth now and it is definitely none of my business.

But I would also like to know how the OP intends to act once she asks her partner what he did? What outcome is she looking for?

I mean, does that mean it is all over? Is she obliged to take action? This is 3-4 years ago now, does it matter anymore?

The op may decide she does not wish to continue with a new partner based on his past. But until her acquaintances started meddling with her personal life she was none the wiser. She was enjoying a perfectly normal relationship with someone. Why put on the breaks at this point, especially over rumours that may not even be true? Even if they are true, what difference does it make to her now, as I said earlier her partner's former relationships should not bear any influence on current ones surely?

JustAThought · 05-11-2020 2:19am

Ten years is a big difference when one is a schoolgirl doing her junior cert and the other is a business manager.

Either way 3 year relationship changes things somewhat, but not much IMO.

That being said there may be not a word of truth in it. No thanks to the friends who waited 9 months to tell the OP - is that 6 months of lockdown not meeting and dating or a full proper 9
month relationship. Messed up if so - the time to have come out with that gem was 7
months ago for it to be friendly or properly useful.

woodchuck · 05-11-2020 1:19pm

Mod note:

I'm closing this thread, as it's weeks old and the OP hasn't been back.

Heard a very bad rumour about boyfriend

Comments