Single and dreading the Future

LegacyUser · 04-07-2020 4:42pm #1

I'm a man in my late thirties and apart from one or two short-lived things that fizzled out as quickly as they started, I've been single for over a decade. I'm reasonably ok looking, kind, decent enough, can occasionally make people laugh and have had no problem getting matches, messages and dates on Tinder, etc, over the years. In fact, because I can knock together a half-decent profile, I have a habit of attracting women who wouldn't ordinarily look twice at me.

In contrast with how I might come across in a dating profile or in messages, I'm quite shy and awkward in person, a good listener but not a brilliant talker. Years of chronic anxiety throughout my teens and twenties (something which is no longer an issue, but seems to have been replaced by a niggling depression that won't go away) had the effect of stunting my socialising abilities. Also, I lost someone very close to me a few years ago, which caused me to retreat into myself for an unreasonable length of time. I eventually had bereavement counselling, and while I can cope with it, the pain is as raw now as it was the day she died. I suppose that's just another thing that makes me not an ideal catch.

I recently deleted my dating profiles because I'm tired. Tired of that feeling that whoever I'm chatting to is 'too good' for me, too attractive, too interesting, too worldly. Tired of having it all confirmed in my mind when I meet them. Tired of the same thing happening every time; a sort of amicable mutual ghosting because they're too nice to reject me and I'm too nice to put them in a position where they have no choice but to.

The truth is I'm tired of everything. It's been a long time since I've got any joy out of life. Things have gone wrong too many times. I'm lonely and getting lonelier, and as I approach my forties, I feel nothing but dread.

Upforthematch · 04-07-2020 8:32pm

Hi there,

It's tough going being single at the moment and covid is making the challenge worse. Lots of men and women are feeling the same too.

You sound like you're being too hard on yourself though - I suspect you're plenty 'good enough' but you can't see that right now.

And that's because the depression is wrecking your dating life by the sounds of things.

If you had a broken leg would you go to the hospital? Depression is a condition that can be healed too with the right help - go and ask your GP. If you have already - go and ask again or ask another medical professional. If your broken leg hadn't healed you would do this!

I'm sad to hear about the passing of that person close to you - but imagine how they would feel seeing you in 2-3 years time if your post on boards inspired you to seek the help you deserve and that helped propel you into the relationship you wanted.

This is realistic if you make a change Op - Good Luck!

LegacyUser · 05-07-2020 4:26pm

*Anon* wrote: »

I'm a man in my late thirties and apart from one or two short-lived things that fizzled out as quickly as they started, I've been single for over a decade. I'm reasonably ok looking, kind, decent enough, can occasionally make people laugh and have had no problem getting matches, messages and dates on Tinder, etc, over the years. In fact, because I can knock together a half-decent profile, I have a habit of attracting women who wouldn't ordinarily look twice at me.

In contrast with how I might come across in a dating profile or in messages, I'm quite shy and awkward in person, a good listener but not a brilliant talker. Years of chronic anxiety throughout my teens and twenties (something which is no longer an issue, but seems to have been replaced by a niggling depression that won't go away) had the effect of stunting my socialising abilities. Also, I lost someone very close to me a few years ago, which caused me to retreat into myself for an unreasonable length of time. I eventually had bereavement counselling, and while I can cope with it, the pain is as raw now as it was the day she died. I suppose that's just another thing that makes me not an ideal catch.

I recently deleted my dating profiles because I'm tired. Tired of that feeling that whoever I'm chatting to is 'too good' for me, too attractive, too interesting, too worldly. Tired of having it all confirmed in my mind when I meet them. Tired of the same thing happening every time; a sort of amicable mutual ghosting because they're too nice to reject me and I'm too nice to put them in a position where they have no choice but to.

The truth is I'm tired of everything. It's been a long time since I've got any joy out of life. Things have gone wrong too many times. I'm lonely and getting lonelier, and as I approach my forties, I feel nothing but dread.

In a similar boat to be honest mate. Mid thirties and losing hope for the future. When I was younger, I had always imagined starting a family young, but through one disaster or another, I havent managed to have any real meaningful relationships, though there was mutual interest with people where life just conspired to keep us apart.

I also lost some very close to me when I was in my early twenties, and that hurt and scarred me for a long, long time. I did feel very isolated and alone after that, and people I thought were my friends very quickly left me to my misery.

I feel that doesnt quite define me, but it did affect my life to a considerable degree, and probably did help shape who I am now, and my personality.

I've been single for a long time now. It really got me down and affected my self confidence. About a year ago I had a kind of 'realization' that I needed to stop worrying about it, and then I would be happier, and it would happen or not, no matter how hard I tried. That was working for me for a while, and I was feeling better and more confident.

Then, just before the lockdown, I started messaging with a girl I met on Tinder who seemed amazing. We were messaging each other every day. Sending photos, sending voice messages, and later some video calls. She took a volunteering position near to where I live. I met up with her and thought the 'date' went really well. We were supposed to meet on the following Saturday, but she was 'tired', similar story on the Sunday. I messaged her to ask what the story was, as I was confused, and that pretty much did for that. She didnt want to see me anymore.

The weird thing was that she said she thought I was more handsome in person that she had thought, and that I was a gentleman. I tried to get her to explain to me what the problem was and why she wouldn't meet me again but she just said she was 'following her intuition' and that 'not everything can be explained'. I tried my best to work it out but got short shrift in return.

That I feel heartbroken now is an understatement. I feel completely hopeless and very down on myself, and the future.

I would say that i'm a pretty good looking guy. I'm tall and athletic. I have a sense of humour. I'm caring, generous, empathetic and reliable. I don't get many Tinder matches though. I spent the last few days flicking through it and have 'liked' some people, but I can't get this girl out of my head, and how it ended with her. I can't see that anyone would be quite as right for me as I thoguht she would have been. I thought this could have been the one for me.

I know that people will say 'ah, if she treated you badly, it's for the best' or whatever, but that just really doesnt' feel like any consolation. I so wanted this to work, and I'm starting to wonder will anything ever work out. It does hurt.

So, i'm sorry, not sure I am offering anything helpful for your situation other than to say - you're not the only one who feels like that.

Smile111 · 05-07-2020 5:04pm

Hi Op,

I am closer to 40 but I would be rather be single than with the wrong person.
Op don't settle and try not to worry.
Live your life. If it happens, it happens but don't force it.
I too in my 20's would've thought I would have been settled but life doesn't work like that and that's okay too.:)

Airyfairy12 · 06-07-2020 2:16am

You sound like a genuine, sensitive, intelligent and caring person and you judge yourself too harshly. No one has it all together, there's so much pressure to look like we have it all together that some people only show the good and hide anything that makes them seem less than. I can guarantee that most of those women you think are 'too attractive' or too this or too that, are just as insecure.
Put yourself out there, make a bit more of an effort with women you meet, try to put those insecurities to the back of your mind. You said counselling helped you before, could you try it again? Some CBT could be really beneficial. Speaking of which, id recommend a book called 'CBT for Dummies' it's like my bible, really worth having.

stateofflux · 06-07-2020 10:40pm

OP, Ive been there and i know plenty of people who have been there.

There is one simple solution ....Let go

Let go of taking things so seriously, enjoy the moment, stop overthinking your life or where you should be at X age, thats social conditoned bollox that goes through all our heads

The thing is if you keep overthinking and worrying, when you do meet the right person you won't be in the right headspace or inner peace to either notice it or enjoy it.

Stop punishing yourself, just stop, today.

Good Luck, it will get better. But you have to realize you deserve to be happy.

06-07-2020 11:03pm

@op..

I know what you mean about just getting tired of everything..I lost a good few years there just down to a few different things, and similarly enough to yourself I'd be fairly quiet.. just turned 40, and alone..

What was said above about being better off single than with the wrong person is true though..

Re: letting go too.. this is something that's a thin line I think..I kind of oscillate between "It will happen when it's right" and "it's not going to happen until you get off yer arse and do something.."..I kind of get to a stage where I don't even want to believe it will happen..

I think it's just down to there being an obvious hole there.. something is missing like..

Maybe taking a break from the apps for a while will be good, and you can go back to them in 6 months or whatever of need be..I think it's something you kind of have to be very up for initially.. Any chance you could give me some tips on how to make a good profile?..

Anyway, there are probably self esteem issues somewhere if you think they're all too good for you.. You do kind of have to be good with yourself first before a relationship really..

But yeah, the one thing left in Pandora's box was hope.. you can't lose hope.. There are probably a lot more people in a similar situation really these days..

Lyan · 06-07-2020 11:10pm

Upforthematch wrote: »

If you had a broken leg would you go to the hospital? Depression is a condition that can be healed too with the right help - go and ask your GP. If you have already - go and ask again or ask another medical professional. If your broken leg hadn't healed you would do this!

Here is the cure... enter a relationship with someone. The 5mg of Prozac from the doc could well be as effective as M&Ms.

J Mysterio · 06-07-2020 11:37pm

Lyan wrote: »

Here is the cure... enter a relationship with someone. The 5mg of Prozac from the doc could well be as effective as M&Ms.

Wow, this isn't helpful at all.

Lyan · 06-07-2020 11:51pm

J Mysterio wrote: »

Wow, this isn't helpful at all.

It's better than not taking depression as serious as it is. The above attitude is typical of the "it's just a mental cold" belief that gives the impression that it's something easily fixable at the doctor. Now let's not insult the OPs intelligence by providing him with such positive-minded drivel and give him an answer as serious as the tone of his post.

J Mysterio · 06-07-2020 11:53pm

Lyan wrote: »

It's better than not taking depression as serious as it is. The above attitude is typical of the "it's just a mental cold" belief that gives the impression that it's something easily fixable at the doctor. Now let's not insult the OPs intelligence by providing him with such positive-minded drivel and give him an answer as serious as the tone of his post.

The OP is having difficulties in entering a relationship. The solution you have offered is to 'enter a relationship'.

Upforthematch · 07-07-2020 12:31am

Lyan wrote: »

It's better than not taking depression as serious as it is. The above attitude is typical of the "it's just a mental cold" belief that gives the impression that it's something easily fixable at the doctor. Now let's not insult the OPs intelligence by providing him with such positive-minded drivel and give him an answer as serious as the tone of his post.

Just to clarify, depression is something I take seriously and that is why I mentioned discussing it with a GP. There are several methods of treatment for depression as I hope you are aware.

You have spun my supportive message into a negative dart that both manages to insult me and be unhelpful to the Op at the same time. Thanks but no thanks.

cocopops · 07-07-2020 12:35am

I was in a similar situation a few years back.

I decided to delete all the free tired old dating apps and I signed up to a paid account on Today FM’s Koort.Me.

In my experience, people who are serious about having a proper relationship don’t mind paying for the potentially short few months it takes to meet someone.

Messaged three people for about a week and then got asked on a date by one of them. Said yes before i could overthink it. We met for dinner the next evening and the rest is history....

Eight months later we moved in together and eight more months later we got engaged. Then we got married six months later and now we are trying for a family.

I always say it was the best 34 euro i ever spent

Take a chance.

Lyan · 07-07-2020 12:39am

The "enter a relationship" part was a joke obviously. Criticising incorrect beliefs is better than spreading them, even if done badly.

@Upforthemarch

My aim wasn't to insult you but having been thoroughly through the medical system I can't help but deride what I think is an incorrect view on the matter.

LegacyUser · 07-07-2020 12:49am

I'm in a similar situation to the OP but also in reverse. I struggle to get the connections online, I have reasonable confidence if I'm given the time of day.

When I went to Secondary school i was a popular person, i was on speaking terms with nearly everyone. Loads of groups of friends. I have failed to gain a single friend since that age and my social circles dwindled and dwindled.

The second option - employment is another dead end, zero social aspects and mainly an older crowd(barely anyone in their 30s and barely any single to boot).

Without having that social aspect you're completely snookered into the using the apps. I've used these apps on and off for years. Theres been a big shift in the last few years where they're full of girls who are 8/9/10 out of 10. I see some of them still there a year later.

I think a lot girls are using these apps for ego boosting reasons, theres no reason youd be there a year later if you can get 1000 messages a week.
Gone are the days when the ones on there would be in a similar boat to me from the reasons above.
I think a second aspect is due to their nature, you cant express your personality so for an average looking man you're just going to get ignored immediately.

I wouldn't consider myself a good looking person, but dont think I'm ugly either, I'd give myself maybe a 5 or 6(maybe 4s/7s on the lower spectrums) yet after sending about 100 messages on POF I was ignored by all bar two and one was someone I spoke to before.

It's seriously demoralising and I find its bringing my general mood down as well as I'm in a job I despise and a living situation that isn't ideal.
The constant rejection gets very difficult to take and it seeps into your attitude("well she was good looking but as if she'd like based on what girls think of me online").

leahyl · 07-07-2020 10:45am

I can relate to what you're saying OP, just wanted to say that. I have lost all faith in ever meeting someone to be honest, but this is mainly down to my low self esteem and lack of experience. The situation at the moment just makes it worse. I went back on the apps (like many people, on and off them constantly) and got chatting to a guy and he wants to go on a date, but I'm dreading it as it's been so long since the last date (well over a year I'd say) and the thought of having to almost "perform" for someone just makes me tired - so I can totally understand the whole being tired thing. I just want to have the confidence in myself to know that I'm good enough and that it doesn't matter that I haven't had a serious relationship but we are conditioned to believe that being in a relationship just happens for most people, but that's not always the case.

I've had upset in my family in the past 2 years too and it had just made me even more tired and sad to be honest; when I think about it, I don't think I've felt much joy either in recent times, like yourself, as it's always in the back of my mind that I'm 35 and still single. I know it's pointless worrying yet I still do!

I can't offer much advice, only that I understand where you are coming from!

07-07-2020 10:56am

leahyl wrote: »

I can relate to what you're saying OP, just wanted to say that. I have lost all faith in ever meeting someone to be honest, but this is mainly down to my low self esteem and lack of experience. The situation at the moment just makes it worse. I went back on the apps (like many people, on and off them constantly) and got chatting to a guy and he wants to go on a date, but I'm dreading it as it's been so long since the last date (well over a year I'd say) and the thought of having to almost "perform" for someone just makes me tired - so I can totally understand the whole being tired thing. I just want to have the confidence in myself to know that I'm good enough and that it doesn't matter that I haven't had a serious relationship but we are conditioned to believe that being in a relationship just happens for most people, but that's not always the case.

I've had upset in my family in the past 2 years too and it had just made me even more tired and sad to be honest; when I think about it, I don't think I've felt much joy either in recent times, like yourself, as it's always in the back of my mind that I'm 35 and still single. I know it's pointless worrying yet I still do!

I can't offer much advice, only that I understand where you are coming from!

You shouldn't have to perform for anyone..
That's half of what's wrong with this whole thing..
You see a lot of girls with these weird "photo-smiles" which look more like a grimace.. You can just be yourself.. yeah, try to be nice like, but you shouldn't have to perform..

I think if you're looking at a phone all the time, and you're in this situation, it's easy to get sad and tired.. have you tried meditating or something?..

leahyl · 07-07-2020 11:13am

Deleted User wrote: »

You shouldn't have to perform for anyone..
That's half of what's wrong with this whole thing..
You see a lot of girls with these weird "photo-smiles" which look more like a grimace.. You can just be yourself.. yeah, try to be nice like, but you shouldn't have to perform..

I think if you're looking at a phone all the time, and you're in this situation, it's easy to get sad and tired.. have you tried meditating or something?..

Lol, sure yeah I have the mindfulness apps but never actually use them. I think I spend way too much time on my phone anyway. It's trying to find different things to do apart from going to the pub (which we cant really do at the moment anyway) which might open up the possibility of getting to know someone. I'm just not a fan of the online dating; it's all very forced.

Anyway, this isn't my thread! But it appears a lot of people are in the same boat

bitofabind · 07-07-2020 11:30am

Hi OP. I was going to quote your post and respond to it piecemeal, but I thought I'd keep it simple. The entire sub-text of your post was two messages:

1. I'm not good enough for anyone
2. I hate my life

That's it. That's what it boils down to. I've seen other people weigh in and empathise, and their posts were on a similar theme. I think self-awareness here is really really important. What makes someone attractive to us? When the vibe is, 1. I'm pretty happy with who I am and 2. I love my life.

You've had a tough run of it with mental health issues and bereavement these past years. I totally empathise and can relate to that. However, when you bring that baggage into a first date with someone new, you're already on a sinking ship. Whether you're aware or not, you're bringing a heaviness and an expectation to a situation that should be light. Dating should be fun and flirty and an experiment in getting to know someone new and find out something new about the world. An exercise in "who is this person and am I enjoying their company? Would I want to see them again?" Not an exercise in validation or a confirmation of a negative world view where you are worthless or inadequate and "women are never interested in me."

A relationship won't make you happier in the long-run. You'll have a honeymoon phase and then you'll settle back into status quo, self-esteem and mental health issues will come to the fore and often you can find yourself in a toxic situation that just adds to your misery because of these issues.

That's why it's important - scratch that, it's crucial - to take action on these things that are dragging you down and find as much happiness and fulfilment as you can RIGHT NOW without relying on a relationship to fix these issues. You might never meet someone. It's OK to look that in the eye, and in fact it can be empowering, because it can stop you from putting all your eggs in this one basket of meeting the right person as the only viable way of being happy. It puts you back in the driving seat.

What are some things you can change right now to give yourself more peace of mind? It sounds like you've struggled with anxiety and self-esteem problems for a long time, have you ever gotten help for this? They're not going to go away without taking a proactive approach towards resolving them. Other things - how's your physical health? Could you be fitter, build some hobbies that support a more active and social life? Are you happy with your living situation, your job? What can you do to improve them?

All of these things impact SO MUCH on your demeanour when you meet someone new. You're not even giving yourself a chance. The subtext is just so negative, "I hate my life and please like me". THAT'S what you need to address. Because most people you meet aren't going to be a match. That's just life. If each person that isn't a match is adding to your sense of despair and "I am not worthy", what chance have you got?

I'll end it with this: you're not special OP. There's nothing about you that makes you less "adequate" or "worthy" of meeting a decent person than anyone else. All types of imperfect people meet other imperfect people all day every day. The only thing holding you back is YOU. So now it's time to do what it takes to give yourself the best chance of feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin, so you're not sitting there feeling hopeless and useless before you even get in the game.

.anon. · 11-07-2020 7:38am

OP here - thank you everyone for the replies.

bitofabind wrote:

1. I'm not good enough for anyone
2. I hate my life

That's it. That's what it boils down to. I've seen other people weigh in and empathise, and their posts were on a similar theme. I think self-awareness here is really really important. What makes someone attractive to us? When the vibe is, 1. I'm pretty happy with who I am and 2. I love my life.

I think you've kind of hit the nail on the head there. It's actually when I pick up on that 'attractive vibe' from someone (i.e. that she's happy with who she is, and loves her life) that my own feeling of 'unworthiness' (for want of a better term) really starts to creep in. I've literally swiped left on very nice-looking and interesting people because they appear to be 'having too much fun' in their photos. I think that's a reaction I really need to fight against.

bitofabind wrote:

What are some things you can change right now to give yourself more peace of mind? It sounds like you've struggled with anxiety and self-esteem problems for a long time, have you ever gotten help for this? They're not going to go away without taking a proactive approach towards resolving them. Other things - how's your physical health? Could you be fitter, build some hobbies that support a more active and social life? Are you happy with your living situation, your job? What can you do to improve them?

The picture I've painted is perhaps bleaker than the reality. I really don't hate my life - I just haven't derived an awful lot of pleasure from it for a long time. On a positive note, my job is fine. I've become very good at it and (I think) I'm liked and generally well-thought-of by my colleagues and managers. I sought proper help (in the form of talk therapy and CBT) for the anxiety issue a few years ago, and while it hasn't gone away altogether, it continues to improve and doesn't define my daily existence the way it used to. The depressive tendency, while relatively mild, has proven harder to shift.

itac · 11-07-2020 8:18am

Hey OP,
Reading your post, in some areas, i could be the late 30s female version of you! I think as another poster said, you might need to relax in to the single side of you, and tackle your depression as and when you can. The latter is tough and tiring, I find that weeks and months can pass and I feel I’ve accomplished nothing. But at the end of that time, I’m still here - and, given how I’ve felt over the years, that’s an accomplishment in itself.

Over the past few years, I’ve gone on a few dates that have turned into a half something, and then fizzled out - partially because i haven’t been able to see more of a future with them than “meet, do stuff, go to our separate homes and text sporadically til the next time...” It’s not on that dude, it’s entirely me - but it may leave them feeling like they’re not enough, which isn’t it all, it’s just that I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to be in a very happy/contented relationship in my early twenties that finished due to distance, and unless I start to get that contented feeling with a guy after a few weeks, it’s kinda pointless-like eating a dinner when you’re almost full. But that’s a hard one to explain, so it’s easier to just say “thanks but no thanks”

I thought your quote below was really interesting, because I can empathise a lot with that too-while I enjoy pubs and pints, if a guy has lots of pics of he and his mates out in pubs, camping etc, I used to always end up thinking, pffft, his life is so busy and fun already, what could I add to it?

But, and it sounds shmaltzy as feck, but the more you become comfy in yourself, the easier it will be. I’ve found I’m not as bothered anymore, I’m ok being single-yes, it would be nice to have a nice dude beside me sometimes, but other times I love not having to consider someone else’s feelings before I decide to do something/go somewhere etc. The latter is probably about 90% how I mostly feel now- I hope you can get that to point too.

In the meantime, kudos on your CBT, and all the steps you’ve taken to work on yourself. I had a particularly rough year in 2014 with 4 bereavements in 8 months and I really felt like I only started coming back to myself in 2018/19. It might sound trite, but i always feel little part of you goes when someone you love dies, and you have to try and repair that part to move forward. You’ve been trying to deal with a deep grief on top of everything, so for the moment, take your future day by day and week by week and mind how you go sir.

.anon. wrote: »

OP here - thank you everyone for the replies.

... I've literally swiped left on very nice-looking and interesting people because they appear to be 'having too much fun' in their photos. I think that's a reaction I really need to fight against.

The picture I've painted is perhaps bleaker than the reality. I really don't hate my life - I just haven't derived an awful lot of pleasure from it for a long time. On a positive note, my job is fine. I've become very good at it and (I think) I'm liked and generally well-thought-of by my colleagues and managers. I sought proper help (in the form of talk therapy and CBT) for the anxiety issue a few years ago, and while it hasn't gone away altogether, it continues to improve and doesn't define my daily existence the way it used to. The depressive tendency, while relatively mild, has proven harder to shift.

mistress_gi · 11-07-2020 8:53am

Hi OP. I'm usually a reader more than a contributor in this forum. But here goes

I was in long term relationships, was married (not anymore).
I'm single now and i love my life.
I have a great job, good friend and a great family. I was never this happy in any of my relationships. If one happens to come my way great if not I'm ok with that too.
The only advice i can give you is find happiness in yourself first.
Don't try and find happiness in someone else before you love you first, guaranteed it won't last.
Good luck my friend!

Edit. Forgot to say I'm 40 now. Decided to get divorced at 37. One of the best decisions i made, even thought, at the time, i was terrified about ending up alone

Dial Hard · 11-07-2020 12:54pm

mistress_gi wrote: »

Hi OP. I'm usually a reader more than a contributor in this forum. But here goes
I was in long term relationships, was married (not anymore).
I'm single now and i love my life.
I have a great job, good friend and a great family. I was never this happy in any of my relationships. If one happens to come my way great if not I'm ok with that too.
The only advice i can give you is find happiness in yourself first.
Don't try and find happiness in someone else before you love you first, guaranteed it won't last.
Good luck my friend!

Hi OP, I'm like the above poster - female, 38 and have been single pretty much since my marriage broke up 9 years ago. And do you know what? Life is great. Like Mistress_gi I have a great job, amazing family and friends, a dog who literally thinks the world of me. Covid-19 has certainly put the tighteners on my social life but restrictions aside, my life is pretty full.

Sure, I wouldn't mind someone to knock boots with when the humour takes me, but I need you to know that as long as you're happy with *you*, then being single is really not the life sentence you seem to think it is. If I met someone tomorrow, great, I'm open to the possibility. But if it doesn't happen, I can live the rest of my life perfectly fulfilled and content with my lot, because I know I'm enough for me.

I realise that coming to that place is much easier said than done but believe me, it will come easier if you just go a bit easier on yourself.

Best of luck.

Snow_White1987 · 16-07-2020 11:54pm

Hi OP,

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.

I’m in my early thirties and seem to always find myself single!

I know it seems like it’s just you and that the world is coupled up but it’s also never as rosy as it looks on the outside - there’s quite a few couples who are together simply because they fear the alternative and are miserable. There is a lot worse than being free and single - being with the wrong one or with them just to have a plus one counts as such in my book!

That said, I know the pandemic has made a lot of single people anxious about the future (myself included!) which I would say is a totally normal reaction. Everything is uncertain now and lockdown has forced us to focus on what we don’t have as much as what we have.

I will say that you seem to give yourself such a hard time. Being kinder to yourself really is the first step into something different. Would you consider CBT to help your self esteem and anxieties? Friends have done it and found it worked wonders and sometimes you need a professional who you don’t know to get you out of your own head with a fresh perspective.

Until you are in a happier place with yourself, I think meeting someone - the right one for you - will be an impossibility because you won’t be open to meeting them as you won’t have the headspace.

It sounds a cliche, but if you’re happy within yourself, anything and everything is possible - regardless of age. People start over at every stage of their lives these days (I think Ireland is unfortunately very closed-minded in this regard, if you’re not getting married etc it’s seen as ‘odd’), would you consider travelling down the line (once it’s safe to do so of course!)?

I wanted a fresh start and finally moved away late last year (then Covid hit this year!) so my plans were paused but I’m resuming them in a few weeks. I realised I was stuck in a rut at home, it got me down in ways so similar to you and I just knew - if I really wanted to meet the right person (I’m unlucky in love) someday and have new adventures, I had to get totally out of my comfort zone.

And I did it. Saved, got an apartment (renters life!) on my own in a new city, went freelance and I’m getting a cat this year. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done but I feel like if I can put that much energy and time into a new start and succeed, surely the right person is out there too - it just needs that same effort.

My family have always said that if I put that much effort into romantic relationships as I do every other area of my life, I’d be married twice over by now, ha!

My situation is slightly different in they my mobility is reduced so meeting the right men is more of a challenge but I even know that’s not the reason I’m single, it’s really because I wasn’t willing to try. Really try and put myself out there for experiences good and bad in the romance department. I’m generally very happy in my own skin (save for the odd moments of insecurity we all have) and I know this part of my life has eluded me because I truly wasn’t open to letting another person in. I wanted this mysterious person to do all the work and find me.

Yes, things will happen when they should and I truly believe there’s more than one person out there for us all, but, in my experience, love won’t just happen - not without a hell of a lot of effort on the part of the individuals unless you’re really lucky! It’s that bit that’s tiring - online dating is so much effort but you have to go through the bad to find the good! - but it will be worth it for the right person in the end.

They won’t come knocking as my mam says, so it’s up to you to do the grafting - and if you’re comfortable in your own skin and out there meeting people via hobbies, just generally being open to things - it will happen for you. There’s no reason it shouldn’t.

2020 was meant to be my year to really go for this and Covid had other plans so it’s 2021 for me now but what I’m trying to say is, it’s all possible. You might have to change your situation, your outlook (and it’ll be tough as hell) but you can do it - it’s never too late to make changes and I say this as you sound so unhappy as you are now - something different can only be good and a year can make all the difference to your life.

The pandemic will pass and you will have opportunities to switch things up. So go for it! Grab life with both hands, you’ve nothing to lose.

Good luck

Single and dreading the Future

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