I feel I'm not a priority in my relationship - can it last?

Girltechnology wrote: »

There wasn't really time to discuss it. He hadn't even planned on moving but, without giving all the details, he had to make a quick decision. He just said he didn't want it to affect our relationship.

We've never lived together, no talk of it in the future. Anyway, it's not a place I would like to or that would suit me to live, for various reasons.

Sorry to be harsh here but I think you're being made a fool of. This guy decided to prioritise his family over his girlfriend and made a huge decision which would affect his relationship profoundly. How could it not? I get the impression that he more or less announced that he was off and you were left standing on the sidelines. He has demonstrated in the two years since that you're not important. Yet you're still going along with this, even though it's going nowhere. Why? Are you afraid of being single?

Do the pair of you ever have proper conversations? I'm getting a sense that you don't really talk about the important things that are going on here. You've said you've not talked about the future. After 4 years, 2 years of which have been long-distance, I think you're entitled to be asking questions about where this is going. I think you're afraid to ask because you won't like the answers. That is, if he is honest. He has the best of both worlds here. He has his relatives to spend time with (filling a void that in his life that you weren't fulfilling?) and you for a bit of a diversion one night a week. Maybe he likes it that way - an almost commitment free relationship with a bit of regular sex thrown in. That isn't a proper relationship in any meaningful sense of the word.

You are not a girlfriend in any sense of the word.

If it suits you to be in a cash-free sexual exchange, then work away.

But if you want more, you need to look elsewhere.

Girltechnology wrote: »

I was really surprised and a bit upset when he told me he'd decided to move, but he's no commitments to me so that's his right.

So why did you feel after a 2 year relationship that there was no commitment there? There are many couples who are getting engaged or having children or preparing to buy a home together 2 years in. Yet you felt all you could do was stand by and watch your so-called boyfriend move his whole life for some family members he couldn't live without.

I'm surprised you've put up with this for 2 years. By making that decision without consulting you, he was telling you a lot of things you ignored. He was telling you that you weren't as important as his brother/sister, nieces and nephews*. That he could make huge decisions without including you in them and not give your feelings any consideration. That your relationship wasn't fulfilling enough for him and that it wasn't filling an emotional hole in his life.

You sound very passive and willing to accept treatment no right-thinking woman would. You should've taken the hint 2 years ago and ended this. That 2 years on you're still wondering can this work says a lot about your mindset and self-confidence. I can't see how much difference breaking up with this man would make to your life considering how rarely you actually see him. He's living an hour away and playing happy families with kids that aren't his. I bet you don't cross his mind as much as he crosses yours. Wake up and smell the coffee hun. You're being used.


* This is a guess

Aseth wrote: »

I reread your original post and maybe he feels like he is missing out on having his own children and therefore is so involved with his family kids. You are late 40s so for you the only option is adoption(or maybe, but I'm not a doctor, in vitro?). Anyways it wouldn't be easy. But he at least owes you an honest answer so I think you two should have a conversation about what you want from this relationship.

From what the OP said he's not Dad material. If he can't make up his mind to commit to her it's unlikely he'd be able to commit to children of his own. A lot of older men have children with much younger women as an ego boost. They do very little caring for the children, just trot them out every now and then as proof of their virility at an advanced age, particularly if the children are boys.

Eitherways the OP is being made a fool of. She should not stick around as a stopgap if he is looking for a brood mare.

Emme wrote: »

From what the OP said he's not Dad material.

But we are not judging his ability to be(or not) a good dad. He might feel like he is missing out and that might result in that type of behaviour.
Anyway we can be only guessing but there is really only one way to find out.

It's likely that your boyfriend doesn't want anything more than a part-time girlfriend. I have a friend a few years older than your boyfriend who currently has a part-time set-up. He has mostly lived on his own for years despite having a couple of relationships in that time. He really values his own space and is open about that. Before Covid-19, his friend used to come to his place at weekends and then they'd rarely see each other during the week. They go on holidays together too which he likes. We've had several conversations about her because she really annoys him at times but he can't keep away from her. I think he's leading her up the garden path a bit and using her for companionship but that's their issue to deal with. He likes her well enough and I'm sure he's very nice to her when she comes around. He enjoys their weekends together but is glad when Sunday night comes around and she goes home. He says he has a friend who has the same sort of thing going with a different lady. The point I'm making is that there are men out there who don't want a full-blown relationship. It's probably no coincidence that my friend and his mate are around the same age and are a bit set in their ways or in no rush to settle down again.

The reason your boyfriend didn't know what to say is because he can't explain this away without letting the cat out of the bag. Something tells me he is very happy with the current set-up. Let's not forget he instigated all of this. He lives near these family members who are important to him, he has you for a bit of a distraction and his life is nice and uncomplicated and on his terms. You should read everything into what he didn't say when you tried to have this conversation with him. I suppose it's good that he didn't try to bull**** you by saying the relationship was important to him when it demonstrably isn't. Not being able to have conversations like this is a huge red flag in my book. It suggests the relationship is one-sided and that you don't feel confident or comfortable enough to talk to him properly. That is one more reason why you should cut your losses and leave him be. Unless you want to be a part-time girlfriend?

I was in a relationship similar to this. I felt lonely the whole time. Just leave, life is too short to be treated as a part time girlfriend with no true intimacy (apologies if there is some projection from my side!).

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Tork, I'd just like to add.. If your friend's female companion is happy with this set up, then it's their business. Just because it's unorthodox to a lot doesn't mean it can't work for two consenting people.
So the OP, needs to clarify if this part time arrangement is what she signed up for and if she has communicated to her male friend that she is no longer happy with it.

I understand what you're saying but I deliberately omitted some of the details for privacy reasons. If you had the extra information, you might see it differently. But as you correctly pointed out, it's between them and maybe she is as happy as he is The reason I outlined the situation was to tell the OP that there are people out there who don't want a full blown relationship.

This guy said a lot but it's what he didn't say that you need to pay attention to. He has never told you he loves you. He hasn't offered any solutions to this problem, apart from a wishy washy "You can see me any time you want". In other words, carry on as you were. You're still living where you are and you're still playing second fiddle to him and his family.

Yet again, you're coming across as incredibly passive. Despite the noises you make about being independent and having your own place, you've put your life on standby for this man. You don't have a relationship that's going anywhere, you're with somebody who refuses to say he loves you and you're letting him call all the shots. Yet again, you (collectively) have demonstrated an inability to have a proper conversation on an emotional level. I'd say he's mostly glad he managed to bat away the proper conversation that needs to be had about this. You didn't have it and you know it.

Your gut is screaming at you with this one. Isn't it time to listen to it?

OP I would either leave this relationship completely or change status to 'someone you are seeing' while you shop around for a real partner (not sure how realistic the latter is given you've mentioned you love him.)

You are wasting your time, bottom line. He is not committing to you, you should reciprocate similarly.

Girltechnology wrote: »

OP here again. Re the family he moved closer to, recently he said to me he thinks and they think I don't like them because I haven't spent much time with them this year.

For one, I haven't spent much time with anyone this year because of Covid. Secondly, we see less of each other now because of this move anyway, but I haven't gone out of my way to avoid them. He's asked me to visit them more regularly with him.

I know I will never live in this house anyway because I'd absolutely no input into it, but this is another reason and it upset me when he said this about them.

Or, the family he's close to said 'What's the story with Mary, we haven't seen her in a long time, are you still seeing her?' and that has translated slightly differently when he told you.

People haven't seen a lot of other people for nearly six months now. I've only seen my own mother once since Christmas because of covid.

Anyway, why would they say something as odd as 'she mustn't like us when we haven't seen her in ages'. You said yourself you only see him once a week over the last two years, so they must have noticed before now that you weren't around as often. And he moved to be near them away from you. Regardless of their input into his situation they must have noticed that too.

Chances are you came up in conversation for one reason or another and they asked what the story was and he gave them some bull**** answer. Actually he could have said, she doesn't really like visiting and prefers if I call to her, which implies that you are the one that doesn't want to call on him and by extension them.


But to echo everyone else, what exactly are you getting out of this? It's nothing more than friends with benefits for him. If you continue, this time next year you will be in the exact same position. Is that what you want?

There are questions that need to be asked and if they are ones you are reluctant to ask, it's often because you will get an answer you don't like and deep down you know this. Change is hard, but often it's for the better. You're not happy because this guy is not giving you what you want, that's not going to change.