Confused about how things have ended

LegacyUser · 07-07-2020 7:44pm #1

I having a difficult time at the moment getting over someone - not necessarily him, but the manner in which it was done. We met after Christmas and had a great two months before lockdown came. We still kept in touch during lockdown - constant texting, daily phone calls, zoom calls at the weekend. He was very attentive at the start however about six weeks ago I started noticing he had gotten a bit colder with me. I ended things with him as I pre-empted him doing it he said that this was a complete surprise and he thought things were good between us. We agreed to maybe just cool things until after lockdown and we could meet up again.

The date came where we could meet up (8th June) and I heard nothing from him. I messaged him to ask when he thought we could see each other and he didn't even read the message for hours, despite being online multiple times. I messaged again hours later to say it was fine - he clearly wasn’t interested and it was obvious by how he’d been acting for the last few weeks, and that it was a shame that things seems to have conspired against us, and I wished him all the best. He never responded that that message. I messaged him a few days later to say the silence was confusing me. He messaged back to say he was sorry - he was just completely preoccupied with work and he's been finding the lockdown really hard but that he really liked me and thought we had something good going. He thought we couldn't meet until the 29th of June (when in fact we could've met on the 8th June). Even though he realized we could've met much earlier than he had thought, he hadn't mentioned anything about meeting that week.

I've not heard anything from him now for a few weeks. I'm really struggling with the mixed signals. I wouldn't mind at all if he said that we should leave things, but he's still saying he likes me, but doesn't seem to want to see me. If he was scared to do the dumping himself - I had put it on a plate for him twice and all he had to do was say he agreed that things weren’t working and to wish me all the best - but each time he said he liked me and thought things were going well.

The reason why it’s hurting so much is that he had talked about a future with me before all of this, and I'm finding it hard to accept that I'm now pretty much being ghosted. He told me he very early on he wanted to marry me, talked about our kids, how he’d look after me, when we’d move in together, how it was the most amazing and beautiful woman... it all felt a bit whirlwind. Looking back now I was clearly being love bombed. In fact, I feel there’s narcissism at play here - love bombing, losing interest when he wasn’t getting his supply during lockdown, possibly annoyance that I ended it first, and then the subsequent discard. I also feel that possibly he might be going through a depressive episode at the moment, as this person doesn’t like being alone and needs attention, and I do feel that lockdown has affected them.

I don't know whether to just leave him be in the hopes he comes back (I'm 50/50 between wanting him back and wanting to tell him to go F himself 🙈), tell him how much he's hurt me, or basically make him come out and say he doesn't want to see me again as I feel this is the coward's way out. I am I wrong to he looking for closure, when In fact his silence is probably all the closure I need? If I message him, will I just look crazy?

I can’t stop thinking about him, and it’s really starting to affect me. I just constantly feel anxious. I’m not normally like this - I think lockdown is making thing things so much. I guess i’m feeling hurt, sad and disappointed that someone who was so crazy about me at the start and seemed like the absolute dream, turned out to have so little regard for my feelings that he can’t just tell me where I stand. I mean it’s obvious he doesn’t want me - but why he can’t do the kind thing and tell me straight in a kind, considerate way.

Caranica · 07-07-2020 8:34pm

In the absence of anything further go back to your first paragraph. You ended it. Yes there was talk of rekindling but it hasn't happened so time to walk away. You don't need confirmation from him, you need to stop contacting him.

Delete his number, social media etc and get on with your life.

TheW1zard · 07-07-2020 8:37pm

Yeah you dumped him!

eviltwin · 07-07-2020 8:46pm

If you don’t mind me saying OP you come across in that post as a bit self absorbed

You ended it and now you’re upset he hasn’t more regard for your feelings? Why should he, he doesn’t owe you anything. I’d say between saying he’d meet up with you and lockdown ending he’s moved on and you can’t blame him for that. You did break up with him after all and sending a passive aggressive text because he didn’t reply quick enough was possibly too much drama for him.

I think you’re expecting too much and not really considering his emotions in all this. Leave him, he knows where to find you if he wants.

osarusan · 07-07-2020 8:53pm

The strategy of breaking up with somebody to get a reaction out of them isn't working.

I'd love to hear his side of the story.

As it stands, you've broken up with him twice and haven't heard from him in weeks. Leave him alone.

Faith · 07-07-2020 8:54pm

I think it sounds like there were real communication difficulties between you two. He appeared to get colder with you, so you leapt to the conclusion that the relationship was over, rather than talking to him about it. It appears that was a complete surprise to him.

Imagine how you’d feel if the situations were reversed, and he had ended it with you out of the blue. You’d probably have a hard time forgetting that, relaxing around him and getting back to the easy way you had beforehand.

I think there are basically two options:

1. He was love-bombing you, it was never going to be anything serious, and your instincts were right;
2. You both communicated poorly, you jumped to conclusions, and the relationship was irreparably spoiled.

Either way, it sounds like you just need to let things go, I’m afraid.

I've not heard anything from him now for a few weeks. I'm really struggling with the mixed signals. I wouldn't mind at all if he said that we should leave things, but he's still saying he likes me, but doesn't seem to want to see me.

I don’t see mixed signals. I see clear signals that he’s no longer interested. If he was interested, you wouldn’t have weeks of silence. How is he saying he likes you if you haven’t heard from him in weeks? I think you have your closure, but you don’t want to see it.

Oink · 07-07-2020 9:04pm

Sorry OP but you lost me at “pre-emptively”. You were both planning for a lifetime commitment, and you dumped him because you “thought he was going to dump you”, and you wanted to be the one doing it? What kind of commitment is that? Maybe he had grown distant for some reason, but he didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t really read the rest of your post, and if it had been me that would have been the last you would have heard of me.

bitofabind · 07-07-2020 11:06pm

Maybe lockdown has been quite hard on him and the dynamic between you just wasn’t sustainable? I think you’re really stretching with these conclusions that he’s a narcissist, depressive, was love bombing, mixed signals, he didn’t give you the closure you deserved etc. Usually the simplest answer is the right one. You were dating and then couldn’t see each other for months due to unforeseen circumstances and life has moved on now.

Somehow you seem to recognise the emotional toll that lockdown is having on you but are in denial that the same could be true for him. Personally I’ve lost complete interest in dating, chit chat with guys I was interested in pre-Covid, some days even speaking to my own family and friends is a massive effort. I know you’re hurt, but I think this whole situation will be less painful if you can be a bit more compassionate and less judgemental toward him. And don’t forget your own actions, which were possibly really confusing and headwrecking to be on the receiving end of for him.

cannotlogin · 07-07-2020 11:22pm

You dumped the man twice is a matter of weeks, and are confused about the break up and believe he is giving mixed messages.

If you are confused by mixed messages, how to do think he feels given he has been on the receiving end of them?

If someone decided to break up with me to get a reaction or as a pre-emptive measure, and then came look for attention & looking to get back together, there would be no chance. Life is too short to be putting up with that sort of inconsistent behaviour. The early stages of a relationship should be fun, and drama free and if not, I'm off. I suspect he is the same.

cj maxx · 08-07-2020 12:19am

Nothing I can add that hasn't been said except if after getting a message after being dumped unexpectedly I wouldn't reply in a hurry either. Even if I was online and saw it

LegacyUser · 18-07-2020 1:05am

OP: You ended it, yet "I having a difficult time at the moment getting over someone - not necessarily him, but the manner in which it was done. "
Sweetie, you ended it, he was surprised that you ended it. The only one confused is you. It seems like he is dodging a bullet by not answering your messages, he doesn't want in to your drama. I know , probably, to you, I'm sounding really harsh here, but perhaps it's best to chalk it down to experience, just don't break up with people pre-emptively. This wisdom generally comes with age.

SozBbz · 20-07-2020 3:26pm

Faith wrote: »

I think it sounds like there were real communication difficulties between you two. He appeared to get colder with you, so you leapt to the conclusion that the relationship was over, rather than talking to him about it. It appears that was a complete surprise to him.

Imagine how you’d feel if the situations were reversed, and he had ended it with you out of the blue. You’d probably have a hard time forgetting that, relaxing around him and getting back to the easy way you had beforehand.

I think there are basically two options:

1. He was love-bombing you, it was never going to be anything serious, and your instincts were right;
2. You both communicated poorly, you jumped to conclusions, and the relationship was irreparably spoiled.

Either way, it sounds like you just need to let things go, I’m afraid.

I don’t see mixed signals. I see clear signals that he’s no longer interested. If he was interested, you wouldn’t have weeks of silence. How is he saying he likes you if you haven’t heard from him in weeks? I think you have your closure, but you don’t want to see it.

OP, for me this post sums it up.

If your theory on love bombing is true or more importantly, you believe it to be true, then why are you worrying yourself about him if he's therefore a narcissist etc?

Or, the alternative theory is that you actually jumped the gun here and were the architect of this relationships downfall. You say he went cold, but instead of asking him about it, you jumped to be the one to do the dumping and then seemingly changed your mind. New relationships are fragile and can be spoiled by less.

This sounds like its done, but you should at least take note of the responses here and try to learn something from this experience - namely, not to jump the gun, work on better communication and that sometimes things are not all about you.

Confused about how things have ended

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