Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Separating: what to expect

Options
  • 02-07-2020 1:19am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My wife & I have decided to separate after almost 20 years together. We have two children under 6 and a very large mortgage; my repayment is 50% of my net monthly income. We both play an equal part in raising the children and we both live fulltime in our home. There's no violence, addictions or third person. Just loneliness.

    We are both PAYE workers earning €60,000 - €70,000 each, with herself at the higher side and with more potential to increase it. If we were to sell the family home there might be €200,000 in equity and we could each go our separate ways to an extent and each get a mortgage for a cheaper house in a cheaper area and share cusody 50/50. That, to my mind, would be the fairest outcome.

    However, I'm reading some horror stories and envisaging myself, as the man, being ordered to leave, while still paying the mortgage but living in some one-bed flat. I'm conscious that the welfare of the children is the paramount factor, but does that ever mean, in financial circumstances such as outlined, that a court could order the sale of the home as above?

    I know I'll be advised to get a solicitor and not to leave the family home. In the meantime, however, I'd like to have an idea of what to expect in this aspect of separation. Thank you.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,927 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Hi OP

    Thank you for your post. I think it is more suited to Legal Discussion, however as you have posted anonymously, I can't move it. Also, it is straying a little into legal advice which can't be given on Boards no matter the forum.

    I'll leave it open with a view that posters might be able to share their experiences and give you an idea generally on what to expect. However if it strays further into legal advice, I will have no option but to close the thread.

    Hope this is OK with you

    HS


  • Options
    #3
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,329 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    Definitely don't move out. Have you discussed anything with your wife about the options?

    You're both in a good position given the equity to either sell up or one buy the other out which gives the ability to have separate homes. Also very fortunate that you have fairly equivalent incomes and shared responsibility for your kids. Buying out is what I did and my ex was able to buy also locally. Selling is a hassle as it means both of you will be in buying chains and where do you all live in the interim.

    In my case, we avoided using solicitors which only adds extra antagonism and thousands in costs. We did our own deed of separation to agree the terms and everything worked out with minimal hassle.


  • Options
    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Often in the event of break ups the mother is in a far worse financial position than the father so i'm sure that that plays a part in the court orders that follows.

    One thing i'd like to point out though is that sometimes 50/50 shared custody isn't in the childrens best interests. It can be disruptive and sometimes the kids just want to have one main home. Is your wife in agreement about 50/50 custody?


  • Options
    #5
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,357 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    I honestly don't think you can have 50/50 roles bringing up the children. You can share alot of bits but they need to have one home. Only one of you will live with them, do homework with them etc. What about in a few years and they join sports/ drama etc clubs and make friends locally. Who's going to take them. Are you or your wife willing to do the hard work all week and when the weekend fun times come give it over to the other? What about holiday times Christmas etc. Are either one of you willing to sacrifice your fun times with them Or do you plan to do every other year ???
    You can have a role yes but an equal role no. Imo of course


  • Options
    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    First thing you both should do is make an appointment with a mediator. This is a free, impartial service offered to couples who are separating. After 20 years together you'd hope you both could be reasonable with each other and both offer compromise to make sure the children's welfare is made a priority and that either of you are not being shafted by the other.

    Separation can get messy when it comes down to the practicalities and it's easy to fall into a trap of feeling hard done by. Whatever happens it is not going to be an ideal situation for either of you. Both of you are going to lose out in some form. So it's important to accept this and find the best possible outcome for everyone.

    https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/family-mediation/


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    padser
    Registered Users Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    This advice is going to fall into the "get a solicitor" category, but let me get one explain why, and how.

    Firstly, you will live the outcome of what happens over the next few months for the rest of your life (in terms of spousal support) and for most of your children's childhoods. You need to get it right. You can't afford to take chances. That means you need guidance now, missteps at this stage could leave you in a much worse position further down the line.

    The only person who can give you guidance here is a solicitor who specialises in family law. I cant emphasise enough how crucial this is. Family law courts in Ireland are not open the public so the only people who know what goes on are solicitors who regularly attend them. That means 99% of solicitors will be winging it in complex family law (maybe a little harsh, but I certainly wouldnt trust my future to their expertise in the area). You need to find someone who spends all their time dealing in family law. Expect to pay for them (think in thousands, not hundreds) and expect to spend time researching to find the the right person. Do not expect it to the same solicitor that you paid €2k to for your house purchase, or €500 for your will. If you have a good relationship with someone in the legal profession, ask them if they can recommend one of the top practitioners in family law (while 99% of solicitors wouldnt really specialise in family law - all can quickly find out who does).

    Finally, you need to get money. Assuming you dont currently have debt, this is easy. On a steady income of 60k, most banks will loan up to 30k very easily (online or phone application in the bank you bank with). Max out the loan you can take (you can always pay it back early) and put it in a personal account you have. You can't afford to run out of funds while trying to get this right. There are so few times in life where I would advocate debt, but this is one of them - you need to make sure you are not constrained by finances when fighting this.


  • Options
    #8
    padser
    Registered Users Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    First thing you both should do is make an appointment with a mediator. This is a free, impartial service offered to couples who are separating. After 20 years together you'd hope you both could be reasonable with each other and both offer compromise to make sure the children's welfare is made a priority and that either of you are not being shafted by the other.

    Separation can get messy when it comes down to the practicalities and it's easy to fall into a trap of feeling hard done by. Whatever happens it is not going to be an ideal situation for either of you. Both of you are going to lose out in some form. So it's important to accept this and find the best possible outcome for everyone.

    https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/family-mediation/

    Just to be clear (in case my other post is not) the "get a solicitor advice" means "get a solicitor before mediation".

    I cant emphasise enough how missteps now cost you. What you need from a solicitor pre mediation may be no more then a 1 or 2 hour consultation, but you do need to have it.


  • Options
    #9
    Up Donegal
    Registered Users Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    agscaradh wrote: »
    My wife & I have decided to separate after almost 20 years together. We have two children under 6 and a very large mortgage; my repayment is 50% of my net monthly income. We both play an equal part in raising the children and we both live fulltime in our home. There's no violence, addictions or third person. Just loneliness.

    Sorry about your separation.

    Won't loneliness become more of an issue after you separate?


  • Options
    #10
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,002 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Up Donegal wrote: »
    Sorry about your separation.

    Won't loneliness become more of an issue after you separate?

    Loneliness in a crowded room is the worst. That's what it feels like to be in a loveless marriage, been there. Post separation is much less lonely in my experience.


Advertisement