Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

Nokia6230i wrote: »

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

My father was tried and convicted of committing child sexual abuse. At the time there would have been people that thought that my mother, indeed all of us, "stood by him". In reality it was a lot different.

My mother subsequently said that her marriage and romantic relationship with my father ended the day she found out. But she found it within herself to be with him through the criminal process and to assist him in accepting responsibility for what he did. After that they were separated, then divorced. My Mam never skirted around the crime that he committed, but at the same time she spoke regularly about happier times in our house and her marriage.

I think her situation was complicated somewhat by the fact that my father had been brutally abused as a child, by an Irish priest, while living in England. My earliest memories at home are of my father waking up screaming and running up and down the stairs, crying and terrified, in a kind of sleep-walk. That doesn't condone his own actions, but my Mam knew the full extent of what he experienced and I don't think she could ever fully remove her support of him because of that.

It's a very difficult thing. There were times when she was suicidal, long periods of depression, times where she hated him and cursed ever meeting him. Then there were times when she'd be looking at old photos of him and reminiscing, even at a time when she'd moved on and met my step-father, a wonderful gentleman.

My own situation was something similar. Periods of depression, suicidal thoughts, complete withdrawal from my social circle. Shame. Then, for some reason, I decided I wanted to know who my father was, and I slowly and deliberately rebuilt the relationship. I could never forgive him for what he did. It's not mine to forgive. But I was able to forgive him solely for how his actions damaged my life.

Anyway, all of that is just to say that appearances can be deceptive. I've no doubt that people, maybe even friends of mine, would wonder why we just didn't sever contact with him on the day we found out and never look back. But they wouldn't have seen the existential hold the entire thing had on us for decades. Trying to understand, define and re-define ideas such as love, family, forgiveness.

In terms of having sympathy for the victim, there are people that stand by the abuser, stick their head in the sand, and almost treat the victim as the guilty party. That is absolutely reprehensible. My father's victim was always in our thoughts. We lived in a small town and knew her family and friends, so it was awkward, to say the least. We'd bump into her and we were always at pains to strike the correct balance, for want of a better expression. We didn't want to get close and make her feel uncomfortable, but at the same time we didn't want to appear to be avoiding her, because she'd done nothing wrong.

One of the happiest days of my life occurred a few years back. I met her abroad while on holiday, just a chance meeting. She was there with her husband and young family. She'd pulled through it all and created a lovely, loving life for herself. We spoke openly about what had happened, how it effected her, how it effected me (in a comparatively very minor way). She even offered her condolences for my father, who had recently passed, and said she'd prayed for him (an act of Christian forgiveness that, as a non-believer, left me speechless).

Anyway I don't mean to derail the thread with such a long post, but the OP's bravery and frankness have got me thinking back over an aspect of my family life that I'm not always brave enough to confront.