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Wife on adult dating site

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  • 21-09-2020 9:59am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi
    I have found my wife has a profile on an adult dating site. We have three small children under 6 and one of the kids grabbed her phone and as I took it off her, noticed the profile. Loads of messages from guys.
    We have a very happy marriage and home life, both high paying jobs and really want for nothing. Love life is excellent. We are very open with each other and have attended some adult parties in the past so pretty liberal mindset.
    She would always have had a very high sex drive, and is an extremely attractive women so no shortgae of attention.
    Im not sure what to do, bring it up and risk the wonderful life we have. Im know how fathers are treated in seperations. Also we are happy and our kids are doing really well.
    Should I just keep quiet and realise that she has some needs that are readily available to attractive women, in the hope that nothing serious developes?


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    #2
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,894 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Eh.......we have a fairly similar family life to yours....if my husband had a profile on a dating site, I would definitely bring it up.I cannot come up with a single good reason why she would have one."Praise" or "unfulfilled needs" are not a reason.


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    #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi op

    you seem to be contemplating what the consequences will be if you make her aware you know she is at least emotionally cheating, and possibly committing adultery.

    likely consequences, you split up, break up the family home, lose your wife and have to sort custody for kids. Also you are unlikely to end up living in the family home.

    so its not a decision to take lightly. its time to decide a few things first. Is this a dealbreaker for you? plenty of spouses have turned a blind eye in the past, and that is an option open to you. you could try to work on the relationship and any issues that exist.

    if you cant or wont turn a blind eye, you can do a few things here. you can come out and be honest with her. you can try the hint approach, telling her about joe at work whos wife has a profile on xxx website. See what her reaction is.

    probably id try to get her into couples counselling and gave her the opportunity ro come clear, and talk about whats happening and why.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you Xterminator, you have summed up completely accurately my thoughts. I do not want to pull the trigger on something that may have long lasting consequences for the entire family.
    Attractive women have so many options when looking for casual encounters online but I suppose as long as it does not become something more I can hope that its just a mid life experiment


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    #5
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    Yeah, my husband joined one. And I only found out after he had already used it to meet women for specific fetishes. Obviously the marriage is over. In my case it turned out he also had a long term mistress in another country. I hadnt a clue about any of it.

    He was telling me he was going to work do's, away with work, staying over and helping his father out. In reality he was going to swingers clubs and hotels with women from this site - he was paying, so it was essentially prostitution - the girls got a night out and a stay in a hotel and he got serviced by them. He must have had alarms set on his phone to remind him to stick with the cover story because he would text me "when his plane had landed" or "Dad says hi" etc... I didnt suspect a thing. I dont even know how long it was going on for.


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    #6
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    You need to talk to her about it. You and we here don't know whether she wants to act on it, means meeting one of this men and doing whatever or she's just doing it for an ego boost. There are a lot of people who just do it for an ego boost. would be also bad, why does she needs it, is your love not enough for her?

    all in all it's bad form and only you can decide how it's affecting you, your trust in her and at the end of the day your relationship with her.


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    #7
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users Posts: 12,736 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    People are fooling themselves if they think she’s doing it for an ego boost. There’s absolutely no way she wasn’t or hasn’t acted on it yet. When you raise the issue with her, demand to see her messages From the site, before she cowardly decides to delete them and fill you with a nonsense story. If she doesn’t agree to show you immediately then it’s quite clear why, I think.


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    #8
    US2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,651 ✭✭✭US2


    Yep. Ask to see the messages. Dont give her time to delete them or come up with a Story. You need to catch her on the hop


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    #9
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    You need to have an open and Frank discussion with her. You need to find out why she felt the need to join this site.


    Now you need to be aware that she will likely only tell as much as she thinks is necessary to make you feel okay about it. Expect that some issue/reason for this having occured will likely be apportioned to you.


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    #10
    bobbyy gee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,306 ✭✭✭bobbyy gee


    do you want me to talk to her


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    #11
    Goodigal
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Goodigal


    I'd ask her straight out what the app is doing on her phone. IMO she is cheating on you by using the app. Regardless of whether she's met any of the guys she's chatting with.
    Also you emphasise a lot how attractive she is. But her behaviour is actually disrespectful and hurtful. No amount of looks can make up for that. You need to discuss her use of this app asap. Good luck because the outcome will have huge implications for your marriage.


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    #12
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,970 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    bobbyy gee for the second time today - offer civil and constructive advice when replying to threads here in PI/RI or don't post.

    If you continue to breach the Charter and ignore Mod instruction harsher action will be taken.

    Thanks

    HS


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    #13
    lalababa
    Registered Users Posts: 1,726 ✭✭✭lalababa


    Put up a profile of yerself ( but with an hot model photo) on the site and reel her in, pushing all them buttons only you know how to push! Find out what she's up to and her 'special' needs. Set up a blind date somewhere /sometime that makes it awkward for her. Don't turn up , have some excuse and string her along. Do it again, don't turn up again, and when she comes home pull the almighty piss. She'll soon figure out which side of the bread is buttered....ðŸ˜ðŸ˜œ


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    #14
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    I think the fact ye had been to adult parties in the past and obviously as you've observed she's quite popular with guys.

    What you do as a couple is your own business, I know a similar woman like your wife and she's the most supportive person in the world and a great friend, mother, and would do anything for anyone who needs support or help.

    But she just couldn't help herself from having liasions on swinging sites and other z quality site's like plenty of fish etc
    It was almost an addiction, actually she opened up about it and said its compulsive and she feels dreadful after acting out as she calls it "acting out".

    Herself and her husband finished because she just couldn't stop, I think she's in recovery now from Sex addiction.

    Thats not to say your wife's addicted to sex, but I wouldn't feel its your fault or hers, it's probably wrecking your head and that's a natural response to your dilemma.

    You don't seem angry and it sounds like you are a responsible man who's able to look at it from a supportive perspective rather than an angry bitter revengeful way.

    I don't think anyone can advise you about this and only wish you luck.

    I hope you'll get the right resolve and you'll all be happy, and be able to make a mature decision.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi

    I think this is serious alright.

    I think you should confront her, but prudently. Don't blow up, be cool and collected.

    She should know that it's not on and has to cease immediately.

    Also, you need to put it across that you love her (as is clear) and are ready to forgive her if she seeks forgiveness. Make sure that you tell her that you will offer her whatever help she might need (marriage counselor etc).

    Your goal is not to let the marriage disintegrate. "Till death do us part" has to mean what it says on the tin.

    Then your own path of healing needs to start. If I were you, I would go see a priest about it.


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    #16
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Swantonbomb wrote: »
    Hi

    I think this is serious alright.

    I think you should confront her, but prudently. Don't blow up, be cool and collected.

    She should know that it's not on and has to cease immediately.

    Also, you need to put it across that you love her (as is clear) and are ready to forgive her if she seeks forgiveness. Make sure that you tell her that you will offer her whatever help she might need (marriage counselor etc).

    Your goal is not to let the marriage disintegrate. "Till death do us part" has to mean what it says on the tin.

    Then your own path of healing needs to start. If I were you, I would go see a priest about it.

    I don't think the OP stated their religion.


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    #17
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Swantonbomb wrote: »

    Then your own path of healing needs to start. If I were you, I would go see a priest about it.

    What the hell would a priest know about a relationship?


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    #18
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    wirelessdude01 wrote: »
    What the hell would a priest know about a relationship?

    by your logic you/your partner would not see a male gynecologist! How stupid would it be to refuse help because of your own biases?

    It may be easy and popular to bash priests, but the catholic church offers a good counselling service with a voluntary contribution needed, and they don't force their beliefs down your throat. https://www.accord.ie/


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    #19
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Xterminator wrote: »
    by your logic you/your partner would not see a male gynecologist! How stupid would it be to refuse help because of your own biases?

    It may be easy and popular to bash priests, but the catholic church offers a good counselling service with a voluntary contribution needed, and they don't force their beliefs down your throat. https://www.accord.ie/

    Where am I displaying my biases?

    I believe a priest has nothing of note that they can say to husband who finds his wife on a dating/hookup site.


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    #20
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Hi OP

    Different sites are more fantasy than others as are the apps. Bumble would be geared toward relationships where as Tinder somewhat less so.

    In this context it's important to know which site it is.
    What site was involved.

    It may all just be fantasy in a way that you may still watch xvideos or similar.


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    #21
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Xterminator wrote: »
    by your logic you/your partner would not see a male gynecologist! How stupid would it be to refuse help because of your own biases?

    It may be easy and popular to bash priests, but the catholic church offers a good counselling service with a voluntary contribution needed, and they don't force their beliefs down your throat. https://www.accord.ie/

    Priests don't actually provide the counselling, its qualified therapists :rolleyes:


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    #22
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Worried1980 wrote: »
    Should I just keep quiet and realise that she has some needs that are readily available to attractive women, in the hope that nothing serious developes?

    No, that's a terrible idea. Someone being attractive doesn't give them carte blanche to step all over you. It doesn't take much for a woman to get attention on these sites, sex is available to most of us readily. The difference is most of us want something more meaningful, and I'm sure there's a contingent of married / attached women doing as your wife is doing but it's far from the norm and far from ok. Lots of male attention does NOT = you have to accept someone breaking their marriage vows and betraying your family.

    Instead of going down the rabbit hole of what your life would look like if you were to separate, and taking no action as a result. I'd recommend going on a fact-seeking mission here. Until you are equipped with the full information as to what your wife is up to, you can't make any future decisions. Is there any way for you to gather more information at this stage? With three young kids and a busy job, has she had opportunity to meet these men? What evidence is available, receipts, bank statements, can you guarantee she's always been where she's said she's been?

    How much would you trust her to be honest with you if you were to raise it with her?


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you all for replying and the excellent advice. It has given me so much to think about


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    #24
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Worried1980 wrote: »
    Thank you all for replying and the excellent advice. It has given me so much to think about

    Was it your wife who suggested the adult parties previously? I just ask as it seems that you may be just going along with the flow, her flow. Your reaction to the dating site wouldn't be the norm imo and she should be confronted about it.

    You might be fearful of losing it all but don't be taken for a fool at the same time would be my advice.


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