Am I overreacting?

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 1:26am #1

About 2 weeks ago i came across content on my boyfriend of 4 years phone that left me deeply hurt. He had been sending and receiving messages, pictures and videos and received nude selfies which were received throughout our relationship and were saved in snapchat, to a women he had been in a very friends with benefits relationship with before we were together. This lady who is 10 years older has 6 kids and a sick husband who is rarely at home due to illness. Morally he is unnerved that this affair took place in the first instance and thinks nothing of the messages that were exchanged. I am deeply saddened and feel that it is cheating behaviour as i knew nothing of this woman until a few weeks ago. She is defending the messages and has said that they were funny and basically called me a prude and that life will screw you over and just get over yourself. He says there was no meet ups during our relationship and that it was just banter and that i am the only one he cares about. I feel that all trust has been lost. The pair had also discussed our daughter and exchanged our childs photos and had discussed the fact that her mother minds children and could look after our child. I just dont know what to do or move forwards? I feel so betrayed as this stranger has been here all along in the shadows and this emotional and sexualised conversation and "relationship "of sorts has continued. I am also saddened at this woman for what she has done to her family and do they not deserve the right to know what was going on. ??

Antares35 · 10-09-2020 1:43am

Sorry you're going through this OP. I know many people will focus just on the means by which you came upon the messages and deduce that you are the bad guy in all this.

To me it would be unforgivable. Also sending pictures of your child without consent, I wouldn't be happy with that. Did he say on what basis he thinks nothing of the photos exchanged? Re this woman and if her family have a right to know I wouldn't even go there to be honest.

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 1:49am

Antares35 wrote: »

Sorry you're going through this OP. I know many people will focus just on the means by which you came upon the messages and deduce that you are the bad guy in all this.

To me it would be unforgivable. Also sending pictures of your child without consent, I wouldn't be happy with that. Did he say on what basis he thinks nothing of the photos exchanged?

Thanks Antares. He just said they ment nothing to him and was just funny. I feel heartbroken over it and our trust totally violated. I seen her name come up on the phone often and understand that people have friendships with the opposite sex but gave him privacy and the benefit of the doubt over the years.

Yyhhuuu · 10-09-2020 1:50am

Trust has been betrayed by your partner and it is reprehensible that this woman he has been in contact behind you back is defending her actions. Her response in calling you a prude adds insult to injury.

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 1:54am

Yyhhuuu wrote: »

Trust has been betrayed by your partner and it is reprehensible that this woman he has been in contact behind you back is defending her actions. Her response in calling you a prude adds insult to injury.

Thanks, i just havent said it to any family yet and feel like it is being downplayes by both of them and that its my fault it happened.

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 1:54am

Yyhhuuu wrote: »

Trust has been betrayed by your partner and it is reprehensible that this woman he has been in contact behind you back is defending her actions. Her response in calling you a prude adds insult to injury.

Thanks, i just havent said it to any family yet and feel like it is being downplayes by both of them and that its my fault it happened.

10-09-2020 1:57am

He may as well have been sleeping with her. I’m a man and fellas like that sicken me. He thinks it’s okay, you and I and let’s face it, most everyone else know it’s not.

I don’t know what else complicates the situation for you but as a mother to your child, there’s absolutely no good reason for you to have that clown in their life, or yours.

Be done with him before his terrible judgement and appalling behaviour does greater harm to your youngster or to you. A man like that will NEVER be good enough and no matter what you might possibly think, you deserve better than that. He’ll always be a pathetic cheat at heart. Move on, don’t waste another day on him.

Edit: You’re definitely, absolutely not responsible for it happening. That’s all on him. You’re not to blame for trusting someone you love. He’s responsible for that betrayal and you should not for one minute think otherwise or ever forgive it.

Idle Passerby · 10-09-2020 2:18am

He knows well this isn't acceptable. He's playing it down because he wants to be absolved of blame. But if it really was irrelevant why did he keep it secret? If you keep something from a partner because you know it will hurt them, you can't also plead innocent. I see his actions as cheating. His lack of remorse compounds the damage he's done.

redfox123 · 10-09-2020 3:36pm

This is absolutely categorically a 100% deal breaker, no question. The only thing stopping you from ending things is his attempt at manipulating you by playing it down, and because of the length of time you’ve been with him. How could you trust someone like him going forward? You know yourself this is dumping time but you’re so heart broken it seems too difficult to do.
When trying to make decisions that need to be made I tell myself that in the time it takes to do it I have to leave emotion out of it as much as possible, deal with facts, and do what is best for my life in long run. You can grieve later on when you’ve got through what it is that needs to be done but for now look at facts, don’t listen to his gas lighting and manipulation. You saw those messages for a reason, this boy is not for you, you will see this in time.

Neyite · 10-09-2020 5:24pm

Edna05 wrote: »

Thanks Antares. He just said they ment nothing to him and was just funny. I feel heartbroken over it and our trust totally violated. .

So he'd be perfectly fine with you exchanging sexy texts, nudes and getting off to messages with a male friend, discussing family stuff? He would see that as nothing and just funny?

Don't think so.

They do not get to dictate how you should feel and think. They know it was out of order, and are minimising it now to make themselves feel better. You get to decide how you feel about this, not them.

If it was nothing, why was it secret?

TheadoreT · 10-09-2020 7:11pm

I'm mean this is about as clear a case of gas lighting as you're likely to see, from both of them towards you. The very fact you're questioning if you're overreacting testifies to that.

Her using the "life will screw you over" line is deeply problematic as you could justify almost any action if you enter that warped mindframe.

Don't let them belittle you and don't doubt what you're feeling here. From the sounds of it you're the only one who is emotionally adjusted of the 3. Everything your feeling is valid.

The very best of luck whatever course of action you choose.

MissShihTzu · 10-09-2020 8:39pm

Are you overreacting, OP? Absolutely not!

If that were me, his backside would've hit the street followed by his sh1t so fast, he wouldn't know what day of the week it was!! How dare he? It's not just the exchange of photo's and 'banter'.,The fact he discusses family business and exchanges photos of your child without your knowledge or consent? That alone would have had me spontaneously combusting :mad: The bit of stuff he was 'texting'? Leave her out of it - she is beneath contempt. They are gaslighting you. No doubt about that. Sounds to me like both of them have issues - starting with boundaries!

Take your time - stay with friends and family for a bit if you need space. But I do think you need to re-think this relationship.

Hope things get better soon

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 8:44pm

Thanks everyone its good to hear everyones perspective as its hard to internally process it and i dont condone it for a second . Its just so hard to believe that your world can be turned upsode down by those that supposedly care for you.

road_high · 10-09-2020 8:50pm

Not having a go but why were you reading his phone and texts? Seems to be so common but it’s such an invasion of privacy. Did you not trust him (clearly for good reason it appears)?

Edna05 · 10-09-2020 9:12pm

@ roadhigh I always knew he spoke to other women and were friends with them and i was fine with that as i always believe in trust and honesty. Its when he suggested that her mother mind our child that i begain to ask questions as to how he lnew about this minder that was very sketchy and he still didnt mention her name. As any parent would do before they leave a child with someone they will research their minder. Thats when i put it all together and had my suspicions. I would have seen the name come up on the phone on snapchat before this and never doubted their friendship and it was never mentioned. But its when they started discussing my daughter with a "stranger" whose name was never mentioned that i began to wonder the context of the situation.

ILoveYourVibes · 11-09-2020 1:22am

Leave him. Break off all contact with her.

DonnaDarko09 · 15-09-2020 10:50am

This is absolutely cheating in my books.
The fact he has discussed your child and considered a cosy childminding arrangement involving her family would sicken me.
He is 100% gaslighting you and downplaying what he has done.
She is also despicable, cheating on her sick husband and potentially destroying your family. And then has the audacity to insult you?! But I would leave her nastiness aside. She made you no promises.
I would seriously evaluate your own relationship however. Granted It’s harder given there is a child involved but could you really ever trust someone like him again??

cj maxx · 15-09-2020 9:57pm

It’s not exactly cheating but it seems to me he’s keeping his options open re this other woman and a possible meet up

LegacyUser · 15-09-2020 11:28pm

It could just be an escape for that woman, 6 kids and a sick husband who is rarely at home due to his illness? I'm not saying it's ok but that's quite a hard life. I wouldn't out her to them for that reason. She sounds like she's practically a single parent...and so I would be cautious of opening a can of worms and the kids having to deal with the fallout. Maybe she wanted to leave but felt trapped because he is sick and she feels like she can't leave or her kids will be heartbroken...I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for her...but to instead compare it to your own situation, it sounds like your partner has a normal family life (he's not dealing with 6 kids and a partner who is always in hospital) so why does he need this escape or bit of fun if that's all he's making it out to be?

He doesn't...and he shouldn't...if he's committed to your family. I couldn't forgive it!

ILoveYourVibes · 17-09-2020 1:01am

image verification wrote: »

It could just be an escape for that woman, 6 kids and a sick husband who is rarely at home due to his illness? I'm not saying it's ok but that's quite a hard life. I wouldn't out her to them for that reason. She sounds like she's practically a single parent...and so I would be cautious of opening a can of worms and the kids having to deal with the fallout. Maybe she wanted to leave but felt trapped because he is sick and she feels like she can't leave or her kids will be heartbroken...I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for her...but to instead compare it to your own situation, it sounds like your partner has a normal family life (he's not dealing with 6 kids and a partner who is always in hospital) so why does he need this escape or bit of fun if that's all he's making it out to be?

He doesn't...and he shouldn't...if he's committed to your family. I couldn't forgive it!

I agree with you.
I wouldn't out her either ..who she is will out itself eventually. I would just dumb the 'friendship'.

Edna05 · 18-09-2020 12:17pm

Thanks for all the opinions. I iust feel annoyed at myself for not seeing theough this before and being careless i suppose its the guilt and let down. Its very hard to recover broken trust.

MissShihTzu · 18-09-2020 12:55pm

Edna05 wrote: »

Thanks for all the opinions. I iust feel annoyed at myself for not seeing theough this before and being careless i suppose its the guilt and let down. Its very hard to recover broken trust.

Don't be. In what way were you careless?? It's not your fault, and why shouldn't you trust someone with whom you've had a child and built a life with? It's not your fault your partner has no boundaries and no loyalty.

At least you've seen through his deceitful behaviour. I wouldn't even mention the woman he's texting. She's nothing and nobody. **** on your shoes! He owed you loyalty. She didn't.

All you can do is look after yourself and the baby. Leave the pair of wasters to it. Take the high ground. You deserve better and WILL be better.

Take care x

Am I overreacting?

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