4.5 year relationship but only seeing each other once a week

LegacyUser · 06-09-2020 6:31pm #1

I'm almost 39, boyfriend is 47, we've our own homes about 40 minutes drive apart.
For the last year or so we've only been spending a weekend night together - eg he arrived at my place at 5pm yesterday and left at 11 this morning. I was disappointed as I'd hoped we would have gone for at least a walk today. For the first 3 years we occasionally spent a weekday evening together.

I suppose I'm worried about things fizzling out eventually instead of us getting stronger because of lack of time together and that it's just become a bit of a routine.

I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

eviltwin · 06-09-2020 6:58pm

Did you post about this recently?

Is there any reason he can’t stay for longer, kids or elderly parents? Or why you can’t go to him?

After 4 yrs I wouldn’t be happy with that, it’s not a relationship it’s a booty call.

wirelessdude01 · 06-09-2020 7:00pm

He arrives, probably gets a home cooked meal, gets some 'action' and then goes back to his 'actual life'.

You aren't considered part of his life in his eyes.

redfox123 · 06-09-2020 7:50pm

What are the reasons you only spend a night together? Why in all honesty has the relationship not progressed beyond the one evening a week, which is usually a casual early dating scenario.

Not everyone has to have the same progress and some are happy living apart but I doubt from your post that you are. Are you afraid of the reaction or answer you will get if you have the discussion?
Do you want to live together, marriage, possibly kids? Because it would have to be more than what you’ve described and unfortunately probably would have happened (or at least moved on a step) before now if this was important to him and you.
Don’t be afraid of the answer or to have the talk. You need to know, the sooner the better, because being in this limbo of a relationship is postponing any hurt that may result from the discussion being had. It is also wasting time and the chance to meet someone more suitable and who wants what you want.

Idle Passerby · 06-09-2020 7:51pm

Your worried it will fizzle. It sounds like it already has. You spend an evening together once a week and he's out the door the next morning, presumably to do something else, possibly with other people. I'd read that as he's not remotely interested.

Caranica · 06-09-2020 7:52pm

Are you sure there isn't someone else in his life? That's what your post is screaming at me. I hope not but you're better off to know.

Tork · 06-09-2020 8:05pm

Pinkgin38 wrote: »

For the first 3 years we occasionally spent a weekday evening together

Occasional weekday evenings together? Were you happy with this? Even if you aren't who I think you are (poster whose boyfriend sold his house and moved away), you are being taken for a ride here. Figuratively and literally. Either you're this man's bit on the side or he sees you as a hot meal and a pair of open legs once a week. If you're prepared to set such low standards for yourself, go right ahead. This won't fizzle out as long as you allow this charade to continue.

strandroad · 06-09-2020 8:10pm

Do you see him outside of your house OP, do you visit his place? Do you go out together? Do you know his friends and family, do you attend family events?

shane b · 06-09-2020 8:53pm

Im a male in my early 40's to give a perspective on my opinion. I think you both have been happy to coast along over the past few years as independent individuals (living your own lives) and in a bit of a relationship at the weekends.
My wife and I done something similiar for the first 2 years of our relationship as we lived 2 hours apart and in our mid 20's at the time.

Men also tend to be happy to leave things as they are in a relationship unless we are told otherwise. I had to be prompted several times during our relationship ie move to the same county, move in together, get engaged etc.

If you only live 40 minute drive from each other i cant see why 2-3 nights a week isnt possible. Granted if either of you have children or other evening commitments like sport or college that will take comprimise.

cannotlogin · 06-09-2020 10:14pm

It sounds like an arrangement rather than a relationship.

What do you want for your future? Do you want commitment? Living together? Children etc?

Why is the situation like this? You need to talk to him about it.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2020 9:06pm

Op here again. I feel he doesn't prioritise me a lot of the time, there's others he spends more time with and this was the case last weekend so we didn't see each other.

This weekend I don't feel like doing the usual... dinner, a couple of drinks, TV and bed. It's become too much of a habit for me and I don't want it to be all about the staying over. I'm going to suggest meeting somewhere for a walk, have a nice lunch and leave it at that, just spend time together. Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

Idle Passerby · 17-09-2020 2:53pm

Pinkgin38 wrote: »

Op here again. I feel he doesn't prioritise me a lot of the time, there's others he spends more time with and this was the case last weekend so we didn't see each other.

This weekend I don't feel like doing the usual... dinner, a couple of drinks, TV and bed. It's become too much of a habit for me and I don't want it to be all about the staying over. I'm going to suggest meeting somewhere for a walk, have a nice lunch and leave it at that, just spend time together. Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

Not if your happy to putter along as you have been. If you want things to improve you need to have a frank conversation about your expectations.

shane b · 17-09-2020 4:47pm

Pinkgin38 wrote: »

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

I dont think its unreasonable. It will also give you an indication of his feelings when he realises hes not staying the night and not going to get any action from you.
But as the poster above mentioned you need to have a conversation with him at some stage and spell things out. Sometimes we men are that blinkered, we dont see whats in front of us

eviltwin · 17-09-2020 4:51pm

Pinkgin38 wrote: »

Op here again. I feel he doesn't prioritise me a lot of the time, there's others he spends more time with and this was the case last weekend so we didn't see each other.

This weekend I don't feel like doing the usual... dinner, a couple of drinks, TV and bed. It's become too much of a habit for me and I don't want it to be all about the staying over. I'm going to suggest meeting somewhere for a walk, have a nice lunch and leave it at that, just spend time together. Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

That's fine for one day but its not going to address the bigger issue here. All this insecurity about suggesting doing something different for once is not what I would expect from a middle aged couple in a long term relationship.

You only live 40 mins away from him, why don't you be proactive and pop over without waiting for an invite? You're together 4 years, you should be comfortable enough with each other that you can do things like that.

Yellow pack crisps · 18-09-2020 8:58am

Sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. You shouldn’t be afraid to expect your wants to be fulfilled and if the other person doesn’t want it move on.

qwerty13 · 18-09-2020 9:12am

If I’m not wrong, you had a thread before about how he moved quite far away from you, to be close to his family (who Im not sure you liked).

Regardless of whether this is a repeat thread or not, I’d say the same: decide what you want, and communicate that. It sounds he’s happy enough with the current arrangement (which sounds like a casual evening and sex once a week), but that you’re not. He’s not a mind reader, and how long are you going to wait to see if he’ll act the way you’d like him to? Even you being in a dilemma about this weekend is, well, odd for people who’ve been in an alleged relationship this long.

If you are the same poster, I suspect I’ve made this point before, but are you sure that you’re in a genuine relationship with him, and not a bit on the side if he works near you you all week? There’s just something off about it. It’s not that it might fizzle out, it’s more that your ‘relationship’ never got off the ground in the first place.

dubstarr · 19-09-2020 11:27pm

Is there any reason for the one night.Kids/elderly parents.Otherwise its just weird.

Do you not see each other at all during the week.
Only for you mentioned your ages i would swear you are teenagers.

Sounds like you are only there when he wants an itch scratched.I think you need to have a conversation about where this is going.And you need to make a decision.

wirelessdude01 · 20-09-2020 12:28am

eviltwin wrote: »

You only live 40 mins away from him, why don't you be proactive and pop over without waiting for an invite? You're together 4 years, you should be comfortable enough with each other that you can do things like that.

Perhaps the OP is afraid of what an unannounced visit would uncover.

Oink · 20-09-2020 9:02am

4.5 years is an eternity to waste on someone who will never give you what you need in order to be happy. The two of you need to have a hard talk and decide whether you want the same thing or not. If you find common ground, that’s great and I wish all happiness.

... But if he hasn’t even attempted to move in together after 4.5 years, and only feels the need for a flying visit, I may be wrong, but I think it’s a really bad sign.

topmanamillion · 20-09-2020 9:19am

You've been too soft here for too long.
There's men in casual relationships that wouldn't carry on the way your boyfriends been treating you.
I'd forget about the softly softly approach.
It's ultimatum time.
Tell him he needs to commit to far more time with you and no more evenings and a bit of a morning.
My feeling would be he won't really change because you've been a soft touch for so long he won't really take you seriously and you'll have to end it in a few weeks but after nearly 5 years you'll probably be inclined to give it one last chance.

4.5 year relationship but only seeing each other once a week

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