Can’t stop blaming myself

LegacyUser · 31-08-2020 10:48pm #1

Hey all.
Just looking for some advice on how to get over someone.
I was seeing someone, everything was ok and we had great chemistry (we were headed to the boudoir or so I thought) and they did a 360 on me overnight and started to fade out. Then when asked about the odd behaviour, they ended things abruptly with a crap excuse of not wanting a relationship even though it was very early days and I never looked to be exclusive with them so this seemed like a lie to me.
Despite empty promises of a follow up, I got radio silence and we haven’t talked since and I am not willing to make any first move as I made a fool of myself chasing them for answers they last time we spoke so I don’t believe the ball is in my court.
What is bothering me is that I feel like a fool for putting myself out there and for foolishly believing someone liked me and I also feel sexually rejected as despite all signs pointing to yes from both of us, they didn’t want me that way and has been getting it elsewhere..
How do I get over this?
I can’t stop blaming myself even though I did nothing wrong to my knowledge and I can’t help but feel like a fool.. Thanks

Also, men’s POV much appreciated...

Homelander · 01-09-2020 10:28am

You cannot control what other people feel. If someone isn't up for a relationship, you have to take them at their word that they just aren't. On the positive side, this person didn't take advantage, didn't look to bed you and then pull the "I'm not ready" routine.

Sometimes people aren't ready when they think they are. It happens. Maybe he just didn't quite like you the way he wanted to? There is nothing you can do about it either way, but move on.

It is zero reflection on you, and you haven't been sexually rejected. The comment about "getting it elsewhere" is worrying. It sounds like you are grappling with serious self esteem issues and projecting them onto everything else.

Segotias · 01-09-2020 10:47am

OP I could have written your post almost identically.

Things going well, very well it seemed then a couple of hours before we were to meet one day, I got a message with similar, loads going on and don't want a relationship. Being in a relationship had never been mentioned, I was just seeing how it went.

Subsequently I found out he had gotten into a relationship a month or so down the line.

I've always maintained that if someone tells you they don't want or aren't ready for a relationship it means with you, when they meet the person they do want to be in a relationship with they will be.

I let this impact me massively, it effected my self esteem and confidence to the point that it took me best part of a year to get back to close to where I was then. Even now I don't put myself out there to meet someone for fear of the same thing happening again.

I would say give yourself a bit of time, try not beat yourself up or think you've done anything wrong and let it be his loss.

LegacyUser · 01-09-2020 6:00pm

I’ve been dating, plenty of bad luck and he was the first person in a long time I had chemistry with. My confidence and eestem is on the floor. I won’t get into specifics but he had wrecked my head before that too. It’s just made me question myself. I don’t feel attractive or appealing since. I also think I’m a bad judge of character as this was out of the blue.
As for the “getting it somewhere else” I mean that we both knew we were gonna go there and he stopped everything abruptly meaning he wasn’t bothered meaning in my POV, those needs are being met elsewhere and he wasn’t interested in a relationship or having sex with me and that has got me down.....

JasonStatham · 01-09-2020 10:21pm

Ladybeatingherselfup wrote: »

Hey all.
Just looking for some advice on how to get over someone.
I was seeing someone, everything was ok and we had great chemistry (we were headed to the boudoir or so I thought) and they did a 360 on me overnight and started to fade out. Then when asked about the odd behaviour, they ended things abruptly with a crap excuse of not wanting a relationship even though it was very early days and I never looked to be exclusive with them so this seemed like a lie to me.
Despite empty promises of a follow up, I got radio silence and we haven’t talked since and I am not willing to make any first move as I made a fool of myself chasing them for answers they last time we spoke so I don’t believe the ball is in my court.
What is bothering me is that I feel like a fool for putting myself out there and for foolishly believing someone liked me and I also feel sexually rejected as despite all signs pointing to yes from both of us, they didn’t want me that way and has been getting it elsewhere..
How do I get over this?
I can’t stop blaming myself even though I did nothing wrong to my knowledge and I can’t help but feel like a fool.. Thanks
Also, men’s POV much appreciated...

Men's POV - don't give it up so easily. Wait at least 6 months.

Also, ppl just aren't "real" anymore. They've all the options of the day on social media shyte like Tinder and they're all over the place.

Anyway keep the chin up, you'll be back to yourself in a few days.

bitofabind · 02-09-2020 2:16am

What often helps me is to use some logic to scrutinise these situations.

Where is the evidence to support this feeling that you “made a fool of yourself” and somehow caused this guy to back away? There is none. You were dating, you liked him, he seemed keen so you let yourself hope it might be more. Perfectly normal and healthy dating behaviour on your part. Suddenly he has some sort of freak out and does a u-turn.

The story you’re telling yourself now is that you’re not good enough, you’re an idiot for reading the situation as it seemed, maybe “here we go again” and “there’s no guys out there like this”. These are just stories that you’re defaulting to though, supported by no evidence in the real world. In the real world finding a partner necessitates trust and vulnerability - well done you for putting yourself out there. Didn’t work out because that’s life and this guy wasn’t ready or available. In time you’ll see he saved you a lot of time and energy because when someone can’t even invest in you at this early stage, it’s an absolute non-runner for any kind of partnership at all.

Rejection hurts. Let yourself feel that, wallow for a few days, cry if you need to. Try to avoid the stories though as these have no basis in reality. This isn’t a measure of your self worth, it’s a guy that backed away for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Segotias · 02-09-2020 11:45am

Ladybeatingherselfup wrote: »

I’ve been dating, plenty of bad luck and he was the first person in a long time I had chemistry with. My confidence and eestem is on the floor. I won’t get into specifics but he had wrecked my head before that too. It’s just made me question myself. I don’t feel attractive or appealing since. I also think I’m a bad judge of character as this was out of the blue.
As for the “getting it somewhere else” I mean that we both knew we were gonna go there and he stopped everything abruptly meaning he wasn’t bothered meaning in my POV, those needs are being met elsewhere and he wasn’t interested in a relationship or having sex with me and that has got me down.....

I get what you mean by having chemistry and it being rare, but you've also said this guy wrecked your head before. If your friends were in your position what would you tell them.

With regard to getting it elsewhere...maybe, maybe not. He might have not gone there as he knew he was ending it.

I pretty much told my friends all the things you're thinking about yourself and they repeated told me how wrong I was and it was his loss. Its literally no comfort when you don't feel you're good enough for someone, however looking back on it now he was no great loss and it made me work on why I felt that way about myself.

Its good you were dating in general, get back on the horse and have some fun, or as much as you can with the world as it is. I'm not at that stage, I'm just focusing on me, will hopefully get there eventually and stop giving off the go away vibes I apparently give out.

Don't lose hope and don't be so hard on yourself, we take people and situations at face value and sometimes its a little off

bitofabind · 02-09-2020 12:43pm

Just to add - the “chemistry” and “had wrecked my head before” probably require a bit of interrogation.

What does “chemistry” translate to, does it mean butterflies or the dramatic is-he-isn’t-he feelings you got with this fella? If he’d already caused you distress before, I’m gonna guess this contributed towards the “chemistry” you felt. The adrenaline rush you get when you’re attracted to someone and they flit in and out of your life. I’ll save you a therapy session here. This is not chemistry. It’s drama. Do you have a pattern of being drawn to emotionally unavailable men where you end up feeling needy?

That sort of energy is not sustainable in the long run. It’ll always crash and burn. Stop looking for chemistry, start looking for more meaningful values instead. Reliability, consistency, words and actions matching, friendship, someone who is on your team. Who respects and delights in your time and company. Who respects your boundaries and is interested in your life. It probably means giving a different type of guy a chance, but if you want different results you have to change things up.

And if you find yourself going on dates and thinking “I hope he likes me” instead of “let’s see what I think of this person”, stop dating and work on your self esteem. There’s no craic in dating for validation that you’re a worthy human, that’s a wound that attracts more wounds.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 2:42pm

I hate drama and when the drama creeped in from his side, I felt it was a major turn off.
I mean sexual/physical chemistry. I find the juvenile games of if he likes me or not , or the on/off again situations very stressful and upsetting.
I don’t bask in being a victim. I hate having negative tales to tell my friends/family and it really sucks the energy out of me when someone plays games rather than being direct in what they want.
I was happiest when we were good and seemed to be on the same page in terms of liking each-other.

Tbh I’ve always found it was men who choose me I would humour or date. And they are always men who are not my type but I almost “grow” to like or give them “a chance” when I know the first date or initial conversation they are not my type or not that into this or not up to basic standards.
The men I am truly attracted to are usually manly, mature men but I never pursue them as I don’t think I’ll be good enough for them or that they would never go for me. I would be shy around them. The last few men have been men who pursued me on apps but I would never look at (in terms of attraction) in real life.

I am just finding it mind boggling all of it. How someone can change on a six pence, literally overnight.

bitofabind · 02-09-2020 4:04pm

All of that just confirms the self esteem issues you have. Don’t let drama just be a “turn off”. Don’t tolerate it. I will literally ghost at the smell of drama or “hot and cold” ****e. Game over, out of there. Sexual chemistry or not. Sexual chemistry is a bad barometer anyway, if I left it up to my lady parts alone I’d probably be dating felons. Put the focus on their integrity. Is it there? Are they making the effort? What are they bringing to the table?

For me, I had to get to the point of really loving my life. So I won’t make room for just anyone. Even if I think they’re hot. Perfectly happy as I am and happy to wait for someone who’s got something decent to bring to the table.

Just coz a guy chases you, doesn’t mean you have to respond or give him a chance. He’s coming to you; let him prove himself first. And learn to be more forward and direct with the men you’re actually attracted to. Go after what you want.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 4:49pm

Hey OP, could have written practically the same thing. Seeing somebody for a few months when the question came up as how casual we were he completely backed off despite giving off totally different vibes for months. Went cold overnight and not a peep since. It is difficult to understand and pick yourself up when you thought things were going well

Ande1975 · 02-09-2020 5:37pm

Fantastic advice from BitofaBind there!

Op, I would read and reread their posts. Spot on....
Everyone, I mean everyone goes through what you went through with this guy but the difference is in their response.
You know what saying you can't change someone's behaviour, you can change how you respond to it.
Save yourself time, energy and future regret and start setting standards for yourself and how you want to be treated.
Spot on advice above!

Kylta · 02-09-2020 5:45pm

Mens POV. Sometimes people are ready for relationships. I had a break up from a very long a couple of year back. I have no interest st this moment in time having a relationship with nobody at the moment. I am very easy going with a very good sense of humour. The problem I have with women is that, I can chat and joke and it lead to two women (2 in particular one a long time family friend, but not anymore), thinking I was going to be asking them out. I have generally no interest in relationships at the moment i'm happy with life has it is for me. I think anyone men/women going on a date should be ehat it is a date. And unless both are willing to commit to a relationship which should definitely be further down the line anyway. In regards to relationships it takes both sides to work at it to make it work, sometimes it can be tiresome or daunting that one of the partners cannot or is afraid to commit. I know that some women if they don't say get their man, they think that their not attractive enough or maybe their a bit overweight or sh!t like that. But if you ask most men what they like in women, they'll say a good sense of humour is mostly the first answer. Not looks/weight etc. Actually if I was to give OP advice, don't go near any of the dating sites on the internet. Try meet somebody the old way of getting chatted up, you'll never know who you'll meet in your local shop, pub (covid compliant) work etc.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 6:14pm

As Bitofabind says above, it's more likely drama, not chemistry you're experiencing. If that makes sense to you, hopefully the realisation will be of some help in getting over that person.
I strongly agree with everything in Bitofabind's above two posts.

Reading your most recent post, OP, I could have written it word for word.
I used to be exactly where you are now.
I share this, hoping it might help you, even if our experiences might be different...

I'm a laid back person that just doesn't do drama. I didn't pursue the emotionally unavailable people, they didn't attract me, but they were confident and very persistent which flattered me, and I saw no real harm in giving them a chance. I even humoured them at times when I wasn't remotely interested in dating, I was happy out being single, going out on the town with my friends.
I started off happy enough with keeping things casual, so I didn't pressure them or mention being in a relationship or suggest being exclusive. They did though, vaguely talking about the future, which then made things so much more confusing when they would start to wreck my head. To be so persistent that I've been convinced we'd be great together, only for them to start pulling away, I just didn't understand what was happening.
I didn't enjoy this drama from them, but I would be hugely relieved and happy when things would be seemingly ok again. I was quite naive, thinking that when they stopped wrecking my head, we'd be closer, because I believed them when they started talking again about how much they wanted to be with me. I had thought because they had been so persistent (even if it was on and off), that things would work out if given time, and the drama would completely stop. I ended up being something I hated, and I'm sure they hated it too, I was needy even though I tried very hard not to be.
I ended up very hurt. I had let myself get caught up with these people, and their drama. I then jumped from one emotionally unavailable person to the next, naively thinking, this one is telling the truth, even though their actions didnt match up with their words either. My self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom, and It took a while for me to realise I had been trying to use their attention as a replacement for my self esteem.

I broke this toxic pattern ten years ago by doing what Bitofabind advised, looking for meaningful values. But before I put myself back out there, I worked on myself, and waited to do things when I was ready to do them. It didn't happen over night, it took time and work. Afterwards I went on to have good dates and bad dates. I am proud to say that since then, I am content, with a healthy level of self esteem.

From my experience, it's not worth trying to be friends with someone that's a head wrecker/emotionally unavailable, so my advise would be as soon as things are over, stop all contact, and block that person on everything. It's better to keep moving on, so do your best not to look back.
It is natural after a breakup to reflect over what happened, but please don't blame yourself for putting yourself out there, you took them at face value, the same as any other person would. That person just wasn't compatible, so it was for the best that it ended.
The way I've looked back on people like that, is to see the experiences as stepping stones to something better and right for me. Maybe that can help you too?
Give yourself time to unwreck your head, figure out what you want, make sure you're pursuing a relationship, whether it's serious or casual, for your reasons, and not just solely to please the other person.
Like with any breakup, my advice is to be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, talk to friends, get some fresh air, maybe even take up a new hobby.
I wish you all the best, OP.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 6:29pm

Hey. Id be of the mindset of seeing how things go and go with the flow rather than going about demanding a relationship from any stranger. That’s why I felt insulted when he threw that in my face especially when I didn’t even bring it up and tbh it hasn’t crossed my mind. Seems like a cliche excuse I used to hear when I was 16 from lads... lol
And my previous dates have brought nothing of substance to the table. Can’t even bring the D either. So I’m not sure what kinda dates I’ve been on. Since the common dominator between these various men has been me that’s why I feel it’s my fault or something wrong with me.

Segotias · 02-09-2020 7:04pm

OP the more you are posting the more you sound like me, thinking you're not good enough to attract the blokes you like.

I hope you take the time out to sort out you're own self esteem, there's no shame to be on your own until you're feeling better in yourself.

Don't go online or on dates until you're feeling better about yourself, inspite what was said above a date isn't always a date especially if you've been online where you've made it clear you want a relationship not just dating. To me dating is just biding time and something to do, while you may not have the time or interest in a relationship

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 9:28pm

What the above poster said about them talking about the future and wrecking heads really resonated with me and the last lad I dated. He did exactly that, big talker, intro me to the family and I thought naively he was decent and liked me. Then turned on me. How can I decipher who is decent and who is a time waster when they’re pulling sh*t like that. I have a lot of negative emotions around this situation as I feel I was also really manipulated and fooled.

bitofabind · 03-09-2020 12:00am

There’s nothing wrong with you. People who say this tend to have poor self esteem. It’s internalising external matters and seeing yourself as the cause. It’s shame. That shame spirals into a belief that you’re defective, not good enough, not worthy, “why would those types of guys be attracted to me” per your previous post.

When we don’t feel deserving of good things, we cling to lesser things instead. Toxic things. The previous anon poster painted a really vivid picture of what this can look like. You think you’re not attracted to drama and emotional distress in your dating life, but you’re tolerating it. When you have healthy self worth, a spade is a spade in these scenarios. “What’s his problem? I deserve better than this weirdness”, and next. Not the agonising and “there’s something wrong with me”

If all the other guys aren’t bringing anything to the table, go on better dates. Experiment with who you meet up with, take things in your own time, prioritise your own comfort. If you have dating fatigue, delete the apps and focus on you for a while.

Use logic instead of emotion. If we brought in a grand jury to have a look at you right now, would they agree unanimously that there’s something wrong with you? No, you’re probably pretty normal and attractive. So assuming there’s nothing wrong with you, could you change your approach here to tweak the results you’re getting? Do the same thing, definition of insanity blah blah. Yes you could. Nothing wrong with you. But you could choose a different approach, different men, prioritise different qualities, maybe quit dating to figure out the self confidence stuff for a while.

A therapist told me something once that stayed with me. The brain has a negativity bias. We tend to look for the negativity in these situations and default at shame, blame, what’s wrong with me. Try to be a bit more aware of that in your thought process. I can also recommend a podcast - Over it and On with it.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 2:29pm

Can I ask, was it quite early into dating when they introduced you to the family?

It is hard to know who is going to be a time waster/head wrecker, I'm afraid they don't make it easy or obvious right away.

One way that worked for me in filtering out the time wasters and head wreckers was to use the oldest and biggest cliché of all, being friends. For me, it happened unplanned, but at a time when I was ready. Being friends meant I already knew what we had in common, I knew if they were trustworthy and reliable, have good meaningful values, and other things I value highly in a partner.

I think you could maybe do with taking a little break from dating and dating apps for a while. Give your head and heart some space to get over that person. Build up your confidence to be able to firmly say no to those that aren't your type/aren't attracted to, and to pursue the type of relationship that you want. You're allowed to be as choosy as you want in who you date.
As others have said, go on different dates, when you're ready. Maybe even join a local group on meetup.com, meet new people doing non romantic activities with no pressure.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 10:33pm

Wow thank you for the above posts. You all have brought some pretty sensible points that had me thinking differently over the last few days and you are all right. I know, logically, I did nothing wrong (that I’m aware of) and there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m pretty easy going and usually happy but when I’m rejected in dating - I lose myself and doubt myself so badly.
I also think I’m suffering a scarcity mindset as I did think oh that’s the furthest I’ll get or no man will bother with me etc it’s pretty depressing when I read it back.
Bit of a bind is right too - I should be thinking “hey what’s his problem”. Plenty of times I thought this on dates but ignored my instinct and instead let things (rude things btw) slide in hope they didn’t mean it or pretend it didn’t happen. Like a weakling. So I need to go back to the drawing board. I have found the rejection tough to deal with because people lack communication or being direct and they keep you wondering and on a hook. Unfortunately this has been my experience. I hope I can meet someone sensible and mature who can show me men are not all the same or in it to play games with people...

LegacyUser · 21-09-2020 10:10pm

Hi all. Thanks again for the advice. So I started working on myself and took a lot of what you all said on board and went hell for leather with focus on myself and joined something new and that. I actually felt I was moving forward and forgetting my ****ty experience. He seemed like a distant memory and BAM! When I didn’t expect it, I bumped into him in the shop. He did a double take as he looked surprised to see me, his face lit up when he seen me but then changed & went all serious as I walked by. I said hi briefly and smiled: kept walking. He did the same but no smile. And I’m in bits since. All the old and unresolved issues and what ifs came up and I went down the spiral again. Very depressed since I seen him. How do I stop my world falling apart like this every time? I was bound to see him again. I should be stronger and I have read and re read the advice on here but I was in tears last night over it.. I have no doubt in my mind I did the right thing to be polite but keep moving. After the way he treated me, it was generous but still, I am still so upset over him and how he hurt me by ghosting me (amongst other things)..

Ande1975 · 23-09-2020 1:11pm

Ladybeatingherselfup wrote: »

Very depressed since I seen him. How do I stop my world falling apart like this every time? ..

You need to stop giving this guy oxygen. You are giving him power. You shouldn't waste a tear on him. You can be sure he isn't thinking about you. Sorry to be blunt here but you are tying your self esteem and happiness to this guy, that is the rock you will perish on.

Work on your self esteem. Please invest in it. Google it, read articles, watch Ted Talks anything to take your mind off him and work on you.
You can't change people's behaviour but you can change your reaction to it.

Airyfairy12 · 24-09-2020 10:44pm

Dating is so hard, people treat each other like dirt, project their own issues and generally seem to think they can always do better or deserve the perfect partner who ticks all their boxes which probably doesnt exist and if such a person does exists, they wouldnt look twice at him.
I dont know where this ego comes from with so many people, how they think they can treat other people so badly and feel no remorse.
Keep working on yourself, build your self esteem, learn new skills, experience new things but also know that some people are just damaged and dont know how to treat others and that has nothing to do with you.
Feelings are transient, you wont feel like this forever so bide your time, you'll get over this.

Can’t stop blaming myself

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