Husband hiding alcohol

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 2:36pm #1

I'm worried about my husband's drinking. He drinks every night at home. He drinks a full bottle of wine while we watch TV together. I think he sees this as acceptable. He also hides vodka in small 7up bottles in the back of the press and in the boot of his car and sometimes in a bag under the stairs. He drinks this as well without me seeing him. This is going on for years but I'm noticing it more lately. Sometimes he gives up drinking and stays of it for a short while but he always slips back.

I have a few glasses of wine some nights and I decided to stop completely because I think he feels more justified in drinking if I'm having one too. He gets annoyed I don't join him. I haven't drank for a month and was hoping that he'd at least cut down but no, he's still drinking every night.

I went to two Al Anon meetings over the years and found them useless. I also rang their helpline a few days ago and ended up listening to a woman telling me all about her family's drinking problems for 35 minutes until I told her I had to go.

I'm really reluctant to talk to him about it because I know it will cause a fight and he will find a way to blame me and deny that anything is wrong.

I just feel I can't trust him because of all the lies and denial about this so our relationship is based on pretending that everything is fine and avoiding the subject.

I'm hoping that someone here has give through similar and can offer some advice.

We are married a long time with grown up children.

yerwanthere123 · 29-06-2020 3:05pm

Your husband is an alcoholic, plain and simple, went through similar with my father. All I can really say is you can't really do anything to help him unless he wants to help himself.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-06-2020 3:33pm

What did you expect to get from Al-Anon?

They can't fix your husband. They can't tell you how to fix him. They can't do anything to sort out your issue. But, meetings can teach you how to live with your situation (if that's what you decide to continue doing). They can give you the tools to understand and cope with what is happening in your home.

Al-Anon has changed my life. I value my meetings hugely, and am missing them now they're not running. There might be a few different meetings in your area. Try another one. But if you're expecting Al-Anon to stop your husband drinking then you'll end up disappointed.

Fleetwoodmac · 29-06-2020 4:00pm

Sorry you are going through this OP. You say this is not a new behaviour, what has caused you to want it to change now? I imagine during the lockdown it has shone a light on his behaviour. Or perhaps you are now feeling strong enough to confront it. You cannot change him, but you know this. You can only change your response. You can offer an "ultimatium" that you leave or he leaves if the drinking doesn't stop but most people here will probably tell you, drink will be the first choice over a relationship. That's where you have to draw on your strength and decide your next move.
Like all support groups, some people can dominate and their story can take precedence to the detriment of others. That's where the experience of whoever is facilitating comes in and they can manage that. Some people prefer to ruminate over an issue, others needs a very clear plan and put their energy into this coping style as opposed to a rehashing of the same issues. Trying another group is always useful before ruling it out as potential support for you. Accessing a helpline is another option. Can you bring in other family members to support you. Remember his health may well deteriorate over time, alcohol is very unforgiving on the body and taking care of him is a reality.
The main thing is you have taken a brave step as an act of self respect and self care, don't lose that momentum. Call on friends and support groups, don't wait for him to change... sadly, it's unlikely to happen. Be well and best of luck OP.

lozenges · 29-06-2020 4:05pm

You're probably right that if you confront him about it, it will start a fight. But what's the alternative? Nothing is going to change if you continue as you are.

Address it with him. Try to frame it in as non- confrontational a way as possible - eg that you're concerned for his health/wellbeing. Ask him if he would consider talking to someone about it (a neutral party -eg his GP).

Unfortunately living with an alcoholic can be extremely difficult. He may never give up drinking. In which case the question is, can you continue the relationship with him for the rest of your life if he doesn't ever change.

You're not there yet though, so try speaking to him first.

dubstepper · 29-06-2020 4:26pm

If he is drinking a bottle of wine every night (at least) he is probably drinking 70+ units of alcohol per week, where as the safe limit is about 14 or so.

Since you say your children are adults maybe you could open the conversation about him being around for his grandkids? So not really hit him with it head on but maybe side ways. Going from the point of view of quality health time with the next generation?

Big Bag of Chips · 29-06-2020 5:50pm

When a person has gotten to the stage of hiding and concealing drink the problem has gone beyond reasoning with them. It's gone beyond highlighting the health risks or the risks to future relationships. They are now at the phase where drink is the priority. Lying to you is now a necessity, as is arguing with you if you mention it.

No disrespect to anyone who has offered you genuine advise of trying to talk to him about it but it is very unlikely to have a positive outcome. People who don't have a problem with alcohol find it difficult to get their heads around just how much control it has over a person.

OP, I know you posted about your husband and him hiding drink. But, you need to accept that you can't control it, or you can't cure it. Best you can do is look for support for yourself to help you deal with it. Everything you do enables him to continue on. You can talk all you like, but until you change there's very little chance of him changing.

I always link this when people come looking for advice on an alcoholic in their life. Read it. Save it. And reread it whenever you need reassurance.

Upforthematch · 29-06-2020 8:36pm

Some great advice above.

3 questions

1. Is his drinking causing you both financial strain?
2. Is your husband drunk and abusive after the bottle of wine?
3. Do you bring the empty bottles to the bottle bank?

If the answer to all 3 is no then you're going to face an uphill struggle here because 'everyday' alcoholics think their drinking is fine.

If he goes to a doctors appointment there's a chance the doctor will do a full checkup and that's the opportunity for change. Any reason to point him towards the GP?

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 8:47pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What did you expect to get from Al-Anon?

They can't fix your husband. They can't tell you how to fix him. They can't do anything to sort out your issue. But, meetings can teach you how to live with your situation (if that's what you decide to continue doing). They can give you the tools to understand and cope with what is happening in your home.

Al-Anon has changed my life. I value my meetings hugely, and am missing them now they're not running. There might be a few different meetings in your area. Try another one. But if you're expecting Al-Anon to stop your husband drinking then you'll end up disappointed.

I expected to get some support and a place where I could talk safely where people would understand. Of course I didn't expect them to be able to fix my husband. I know he is the only person who can do this.

I tried two meetings in different places. The first one they just spoke for the whole meeting about some property they owned. The second one was very big and a bit daunting for someone new. I just didn't feel they were useful for me at all.

I'm not stupid. I don't expect Al Anon to stop my husband from drinking! I never said anything like that.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 8:55pm

Fleetwoodmac wrote: »

Sorry you are going through this OP. You say this is not a new behaviour, what has caused you to want it to change now? I imagine during the lockdown it has shone a light on his behaviour. Or perhaps you are now feeling strong enough to confront it. You cannot change him, but you know this. You can only change your response. You can offer an "ultimatium" that you leave or he leaves if the drinking doesn't stop but most people here will probably tell you, drink will be the first choice over a relationship. That's where you have to draw on your strength and decide your next move.
Like all support groups, some people can dominate and their story can take precedence to the detriment of others. That's where the experience of whoever is facilitating comes in and they can manage that. Some people prefer to ruminate over an issue, others needs a very clear plan and put their energy into this coping style as opposed to a rehashing of the same issues. Trying another group is always useful before ruling it out as potential support for you. Accessing a helpline is another option. Can you bring in other family members to support you. Remember his health may well deteriorate over time, alcohol is very unforgiving on the body and taking care of him is a reality.
The main thing is you have taken a brave step as an act of self respect and self care, don't lose that momentum. Call on friends and support groups, don't wait for him to change... sadly, it's unlikely to happen. Be well and best of luck OP.

Thank you for your kind words. I don't want to leave him or throw him out of the house. He wouldn't go anyway. He is able to cover his tracks very well and helps around the house, goes to work and does most of the cooking. So I suppose he is "high functioning". Things are OK on the surface.

Once I go to bed, I know the vodka comes out and even though he doesn't stay up for too long, he stumbles up the stairs and tries not to speak. I think he knows I will spot how drunk he is if he does.

I have told some friends. I told my mother too but she just changed the subject. It's hard to deal with. I feel very lonely.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 8:58pm

lozenges wrote: »

You're probably right that if you confront him about it, it will start a fight. But what's the alternative? Nothing is going to change if you continue as you are.

Address it with him. Try to frame it in as non- confrontational a way as possible - eg that you're concerned for his health/wellbeing. Ask him if he would consider talking to someone about it (a neutral party -eg his GP).

Unfortunately living with an alcoholic can be extremely difficult. He may never give up drinking. In which case the question is, can you continue the relationship with him for the rest of your life if he doesn't ever change.

You're not there yet though, so try speaking to him first.

I will try. I dread it though. It just causes bad feeling and fights and lots of sulking on his part.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 9:01pm

dubstepper wrote: »

If he is drinking a bottle of wine every night (at least) he is probably drinking 70+ units of alcohol per week, where as the safe limit is about 14 or so.

Since you say your children are adults maybe you could open the conversation about him being around for his grandkids? So not really hit him with it head on but maybe side ways. Going from the point of view of quality health time with the next generation?

The wine is just the tip of the iceberg. There's all the hidden vodka too. I don't know how much but that is every day too. He says he has another 20 years max. He's in his 50s. He just says he might as well enjoy himself, he'll be dead soon enough.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2020 9:08pm

Upforthematch wrote: »

Some great advice above.

3 questions

1. Is his drinking causing you both financial strain?
2. Is your husband drunk and abusive after the bottle of wine?
3. Do you bring the empty bottles to the bottle bank?

If the answer to all 3 is no then you're going to face an uphill struggle here because 'everyday' alcoholics think their drinking is fine.

If he goes to a doctors appointment there's a chance the doctor will do a full checkup and that's the opportunity for change. Any reason to point him towards the GP?

I made him get a separate bank account years ago because of the amount he was spending at the off licence so no, it is not causing me financial strain.

He gets very argumentative after drink but I just go to bed when he starts. That drives him mad.

I leave him deal with the empties. The vodka bottles never turn up full or empty. But I have spotted them. They disappear.

He went to a GP last summer when I went away for a month on holiday. He was supposed to come with me but pulled out at the last minute. He thought he was having a heart attack. I think he drank heavily for the whole month, ate very poorly and wrecked his health. That's just my guess. He hasn't been to a doctor since and hadn't been before that for years and years. He won't go to a doctor unless he absolutely has to.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-06-2020 9:18pm

Worried about hidden drink wrote: »

I'm not stupid. I don't expect Al Anon to stop my husband from drinking! I never said anything like that.

I never suggested you were, OP. You might have gathered from my posts that I live with an alcoholic/problem drinker.

When I asked "What did you expect from Al-Anon?" I didn't mean it in an accusatory way. I meant when you went, what were you expectations? What did you hope to get from the meetings? Because lots of people go to Al-Anon thinking they will be told how to fix the alcoholic.

I think you should give the meetings another try. You've really only been to 1 meeting with each group and decided it wasn't good. But keep going for a few meetings.

Your husband has said exactly the same things mine said. And he's only in his 40s!

I hope you find support for yourself. It's all you can do.

Sardonicat · 29-06-2020 9:22pm

What are you getting from staying in this marriage, OP? Do you do anything together? Share common goals? You mentioned you went on a holiday without him last year, is that how it always is? You don't share your finances. Are you truly still a couple?

Darc19 · 29-06-2020 9:33pm

No one here actually knows what it is. It could be alcoholism, but it could be a coping mechanism.

Your best port of call is your GP.

They deal with this daily.

But rather than a 20 min consultation, give a good comprehensive written dialog about what you see and experience. Try keeping emotions out of it and be as factual as possible.

If one of the adult children know about it, get their input.

Send it to the gp, then have a follow up visit yourself and hopefully the gp can persuade your husband to come in.

Then you can start on the journey of recovery.

Dravokivich · 29-06-2020 9:36pm

Upforthematch wrote: »

Some great advice above.

3 questions

1. Is his drinking causing you both financial strain?
2. Is your husband drunk and abusive after the bottle of wine?
3. Do you bring the empty bottles to the bottle bank?

If the answer to all 3 is no then you're going to face an uphill struggle here because 'everyday' alcoholics think their drinking is fine.

If he goes to a doctors appointment there's a chance the doctor will do a full checkup and that's the opportunity for change. Any reason to point him towards the GP?

Those questions aren't relevant at all. The issue with a problem drinker may not be financial. They don't have to be abusive, nor is someone else always cleaning up after them.

Porklife · 29-06-2020 10:57pm

Dravokivich wrote: »

Those questions aren't relevant at all. The issue with a problem drinker may not be financial. They don't have to be abusive, nor is someone else always cleaning up after them.

I completely agree with the irrelevance of those three questions. I've been on both sides of the fence...I've been the daughter of alcoholic parents and also a hard hitter myself. It's such an insipid and powerful poison. I felt really sad reading your post OP and my heart goes out to you.
It's an unfortunate cliche that an addict can only help themselves.until/unless your husband wants to stop there is very little you can actually do. I'm really sorry you're going through this. He's suffering too make no mistake. God damn you alcohol.

Porklife · 29-06-2020 11:21pm

I just wanted to add that the fact he's hiding it in a weird way is a good thing. It means he knows it's not okay and is ashamed of it. I've done it myself so I get it, you don't hide something unless you're aware that it's not right.
Probably not much solace but a glimmer of hope at least.

Upforthematch · 29-06-2020 11:58pm

Dravokivich wrote: »

Those questions aren't relevant at all. The issue with a problem drinker may not be financial. They don't have to be abusive, nor is someone else always cleaning up after them.

No that is not my point at all, you're picking my post up wrong.

Read it carefully and you will see the point Im actually making is that this person may not think they have a problem at all. While many alcoholics may think this, not breaking the bank, not being abusive (although that's debatable) and their not being ashamed of the quantity of bottles they are leaving behind (except maybe the vodka ones) are all hints of the "highly functioning" alcoholic.

That makes it all the more difficult to treat because there is little objective proof of the harm that's obviously being caused here.

The Op shared some important details about how their husband acted on his own and still will not visit a doctor.

I disagree with the Op having a straight argument (on their own) with their husband. The fallout could be more detrimental to their own health. They are choosing to still live with this person. The idea of getting adult children & GP involved is a good one.

Another option Op if you have health insurance might be one of those "health checks" or fringe benefits to the policy. Have a look and see can you work it into a conversation.

Does he have any male friends his own age or brothers who are particularly healthy or unhealthy? Their influence might be a consideration, more of the good and less of the bad!

Could having friends over to play cards curb some of the drinking i.e. a bit of distraction?

Sephiroth_dude · 30-06-2020 7:23pm

Just wanted to say op you're not alone, I lived with a brother who I've often spoke about on here who is an alcoholic for years, really nasty abusive individual. It all came to head nearly two weeks ago and to cut a long story short my parents threw him out and he's now living in a hostel in town. Give those al anon meetings another go they won't fix your situation but at least you'll be with people going through something similar. Also could you possibly involve your kids and have some kind of meeting whereby ye all tell him what effect his drinking is having on ye?

LegacyUser · 30-06-2020 10:07pm

Fleetwoodmac wrote: »

You can offer an "ultimatium" that you leave or he leaves if the drinking doesn't stop but most people here will probably tell you, drink will be the first choice over a relationship. That's where you have to draw on your strength and decide your next move. "

I don't want to leave. This is my home and I have been through a lot to keep it going over the years. I don't want to through him out either. He won't leave anyway.

"Accessing a helpline is another option."

I did try that. I rang the Al Anon helpline a few days ago and ended up listening to a woman telling me all about her family's drinking problems for 35 minutes until I told her I had to go.

"The main thing is you have taken a brave step as an act of self respect and self care, don't lose that momentum. Call on friends and support groups, don't wait for him to change... sadly, it's unlikely to happen. Be well and best of luck OP.

Thanks for that. I'm not sure what to do next.

LegacyUser · 30-06-2020 10:12pm

lozenges wrote: »

You're probably right that if you confront him about it, it will start a fight. But what's the alternative? Nothing is going to change if you continue as you are.

Address it with him. Try to frame it in as non- confrontational a way as possible - eg that you're concerned for his health/wellbeing. Ask him if he would consider talking to someone about it (a neutral party -eg his GP).

Unfortunately living with an alcoholic can be extremely difficult. He may never give up drinking. In which case the question is, can you continue the relationship with him for the rest of your life if he doesn't ever change.

You're not there yet though, so try speaking to him first.

I know I probably have to try to talk to him about it. I just dread the fight it will lead to. It can go on for ages. The atmosphere will be awful for weeks afterwards. He is not someone who shares things with anyone bar me. I don't know if the doctor he went to last year realised what was going on because I only had my husband's edited version of what the doctor said. I never met that doctor and don't know him at all.

It's such a hard situation.

LegacyUser · 30-06-2020 10:16pm

Porklife wrote: »

I just wanted to add that the fact he's hiding it in a weird way is a good thing. It means he knows it's not okay and is ashamed of it. I've done it myself so I get it, you don't hide something unless you're aware that it's not right.
Probably not much solace but a glimmer of hope at least.

Thanks Porklife. I think he must be suffering and is maybe using drink as a way of coping with something. I don't know what.

I'll take any hope I can get.

LegacyUser · 30-06-2020 10:20pm

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Just wanted to say op you're not alone, I lived with a brother who I've often spoke about on here who is an alcoholic for years, really nasty abusive individual. It all came to head nearly two weeks ago and to cut a long story short my parents threw him out and he's now living in a hostel in town. Give those al anon meetings another go they won't fix your situation but at least you'll be with people going through something similar. Also could you possibly involve your kids and have some kind of meeting whereby ye all tell him what effect his drinking is having on ye?

Thanks Sephiroth.

About the meetings... I'm afraid I will meet someone I know. Ireland is a small place. What if someone doesn't honour the confidentiality? Not every single person can be relied on to keep things to themselves. If I do go, do I tell my husband? Probably not. He'd go mad.

Porklife · 30-06-2020 10:39pm

Worried about hidden drink wrote: »

Thanks Porklife. I think he must be suffering and is maybe using drink as a way of coping with something. I don't know what.

I'll take any hope I can get.

I don't think anyone who is truly happy drinks to the excessive levels he's drinking too. I've personally cut way back on my drinking but it's taken alot of self reflection and hard work. I found something else to fill my time (writing) and I've faced up to the real reason why I was drinking so much.

I really hope you can work this out together. I would say the first step is to talk to him despite the fact it may/will lead to a fight. I think you should calmly tell him you know about the vodka. I also think you should give Al anon one more shot. I found the meetings really helpful when I went years ago. That said, I found AA didn't help me at all. It's such a tough situation. Alcohol really can be an evil liquid if it gets its claws into you.

A real sense of clarity falls upon you once you stop drinking but while you're in the spiral of it, you can't see the wood for the trees. I really wish both you and your husband all the best. I feel for both of you. His relieve is only temporary and short lived and I would put a bet on his hangovers being unbearable, I know mine are.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-06-2020 11:12pm

OP, everything you are saying rings true with me.
You are still focusing your self and your wants/needs around your husband. What will he think? What will he say? You need to get to a point where you don't care what he thinks or what he'll say and realise you are doing this for yourself.

He's not going to help you or be a support to you so you need to find it for yourself. If you think you're not going to get any benefit from Al-Anon, at least look into counselling for yourself. Somewhere you feel like you can be honest. In my Al-Anon group it turns out I knew/recognise 3 people. One works in the same company as me and 2 are from the area I grew up in and know my parents. But, the anonymity of the group is held in the highest regard. Everyone there is there for the same reason. Everyone is living their own life that they don't want to admit to others. Everyone is putting on a different face depending on who they meet.

But the only support anyone can give you is to tell you you are not alone. Your life is being lived in homes all over the country. Some people walk away. Some people stay and find a way to live with it. Only you can decide what's right for you.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2020 9:20am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, everything you are saying rings true with me.
You are still focusing your self and your wants/needs around your husband. What will he think? What will he say? You need to get to a point where you don't care what he thinks or what he'll say and realise you are doing this for yourself.

He's not going to help you or be a support to you so you need to find it for yourself. If you think you're not going to get any benefit from Al-Anon, at least look into counselling for yourself. Somewhere you feel like you can be honest. In my Al-Anon group it turns out I knew/recognise 3 people. One works in the same company as me and 2 are from the area I grew up in and know my parents. But, the anonymity of the group is held in the highest regard. Everyone there is there for the same reason. Everyone is living their own life that they don't want to admit to others. Everyone is putting on a different face depending on who they meet.

But the only support anyone can give you is to tell you you are not alone. Your life is being lived in homes all over the country. Some people walk away. Some people stay and find a way to live with it. Only you can decide what's right for you.

Thanks for that. Just reading your first paragraph and what struck me is that he often says that I am so selfish, that I never think of him. I think I work around him a lot and it would take a huge shift in my thinking to do as you say.

I do think I need some support. Maybe I'll give Al Anon another go when they start meeting again.

I know there must be lots of people in similar situations. It's like a secret Ireland underneath the surface.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-07-2020 12:52pm

Once you find a good Al-Anon meeting you will find that everyone in that room seems to be married to your husband!! There's a woman in mine, about the same age as me and she listed off all the things her husband had said in the previous week during an argument about his drinking: about her, about himself, about his drinking, how he's "just having a few cans"etc. And every word she said was every word I'd heard too! (And women 30-40 years older than us would have heard it at times, too!)

Please read the link in one of my earlier posts. You will realise your husband is no different to any other alcoholic, and you are no different to any other wife of an alcoholic!
We all do and say the same things. We all live slightly different variations of the same life. Honestly, you are not in a unique situation. It's a secret that's never too far beneath the surface in many households.

Just to add, I would have been apprehensive going to the first meeting. Afraid of seeing someone I knew. But I got to the point where I knew I hadn't a choice. I had to go. I had to do something for myself. For months nobody knew I was going to Al-Anon. For a while not even my husband knew. When he found out he told me he was offended that I was going there, because he wasn't an alcoholic. I told him if wasn't about him, it was about me. I have since confided in a few people. It's not public knowledge. It's not something I sit around chatting about in work, but the people who matter in my life know I go, and the support I have gotten from admitting to them was something I wouldn't have thought would happen.

This is not your fault. You didn't turn him into a drinker. (no matter what he tells you!) I understand that feeling of shame and embarrassment and not wanting to admit it to people outside the family. But you can only carry that for so long too. You need support. You need to realise you are not selfish, you are not at fault. (You're most definitely not perfect!! But that's a completely separate issue to his drinking

)

Al-Anon has changed my life. It changed ME. And as a result my life changed. My husband hasn't drank in over a month because of a change in me. And he plans to never drink again. I hope it lasts. It might not. But I now know, and believe that even if it doesn't last I will be OK. My children will be OK. I don't have to live that life anymore.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2020 7:11pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Once you find a good Al-Anon meeting you will find that everyone in that room seems to be married to your husband!!

Please read the link in one of my earlier posts.

Just to add, I would have been apprehensive going to the first meeting. Afraid of seeing someone I knew. But I got to the point where I knew I hadn't a choice. I had to go. I had to do something for myself. For months nobody knew I was going to Al-Anon. For a while not even my husband knew. When he found out he told me he was offended that I was going there, because he wasn't an alcoholic. I told him if wasn't about him, it was about me.

This is not your fault. You didn't turn him into a drinker. (no matter what he tells you!) I understand that feeling of shame and embarrassment and not wanting to admit it to people outside the family. But you can only carry that for so long too. You need support. You need to realise you are not selfish, you are not at fault. (You're most definitely not perfect!! But that's a completely separate issue to his drinking )

Al-Anon has changed my life. It changed ME. And as a result my life changed. My husband hasn't drank in over a month because of a change in me. And he plans to never drink again. I hope it lasts. It might not. But I now know, and believe that even if it doesn't last I will be OK. My children will be OK. I don't have to live that life anymore.

I'm very glad to hear that things have improved for you. I did read the link. I actually read it a few months ago when I was reading other posts here on the topic. I'm not perfect but I do my best. That's all I can do I suppose.

We are going away for a week at the end the month. Just around Ireland. I don't really want to have a big fight before then but I suppose there is no good time to have this discussion really.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-07-2020 7:49pm

From experience I would say discussion is pointless at any time at this stage. Because there is nothing you can say that will havea positive effect or a positive outcome. I spent years trying to have a discussion! I tried arguing, convincing, suggesting, threatening. But nothing ever worked because he didn't want to hear it, but I felt he needed to hear it. So round and round we went in an infinite loop. It wasn't talking that eventually made him see the light!

I honestly wish you the very best. It's a lonely place to be. Find your support, and maybe find someone to confide in. I have two good friends (who don't know each other) who were/are both a huge support to me. Pick your person carefully. Don't pick someone who is going to defend you to the end of the earth and tell you to leave him!! Friends like that mean well but only add to your stress and make you withdraw from them. Pick a level headed friend who will listen without instructing! They will be invaluable to you.

Darc19 · 01-07-2020 10:12pm

I wouldn't be too concerned about others knowing. You'd be surprised at how much support you will get and the chances are that they know about it anyway.

You seem to have got some solace even by sharing it here.

It's not your fault and you'd be very surprised at how many others suffer too.

But I'd definitely be talking to the gp, they really do have great experience in this area.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2020 10:58pm

Darc19 wrote: »

I wouldn't be too concerned about others knowing. You'd be surprised at how much support you will get and the chances are that they know about it anyway.

You seem to have got some solace even by sharing it here.

It's not your fault and you'd be very surprised at how many others suffer too.

But I'd definitely be talking to the gp, they really do have great experience in this area.

Good idea but I've never met the doctor who only met my husband that one time last year and my GP has never met my husband. So I don't know if either of them could help me. He won't go to a doctor unless he thinks he is about to die there and then.

Darc19 · 02-07-2020 12:06am

I'd share it with your own gp. He/she will give advice based on their own experiences with others. But you need to give them the full details no matter how hard it is.

Your story is similar to many others - and it's not just men.

But it can start the path to changes and will give you a professional person who will listen.

Hannibal_Smith · 20-09-2020 11:49am

Mod Note

Trending, seeking updates is against the Charter here in PI/RI.

Thanks

HS

cj maxx · 22-09-2020 11:37pm

yerwanthere123 wrote: »

Your husband is an alcoholic, plain and simple, went through similar with my father. All I can really say is you can't really do anything to help him unless he wants to help himself.

That is a total generalisation that I don’t agree with.

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 2:25am

Worried about hidden drink wrote: »

I'm worried about my husband's drinking. He drinks every night at home. He drinks a full bottle of wine while we watch TV together. I think he sees this as acceptable. He also hides vodka in small 7up bottles in the back of the press and in the boot of his car and sometimes in a bag under the stairs. He drinks this as well without me seeing him. This is going on for years but I'm noticing it more lately. Sometimes he gives up drinking and stays of it for a short while but he always slips back.

I have a few glasses of wine some nights and I decided to stop completely because I think he feels more justified in drinking if I'm having one too. He gets annoyed I don't join him. I haven't drank for a month and was hoping that he'd at least cut down but no, he's still drinking every night.

I went to two Al Anon meetings over the years and found them useless. I also rang their helpline a few days ago and ended up listening to a woman telling me all about her family's drinking problems for 35 minutes until I told her I had to go.

I'm really reluctant to talk to him about it because I know it will cause a fight and he will find a way to blame me and deny that anything is wrong.

I just feel I can't trust him because of all the lies and denial about this so our relationship is based on pretending that everything is fine and avoiding the subject.

I'm hoping that someone here has give through similar and can offer some advice.

We are married a long time with grown up children.

My dad was your husband for a long long time.

He won't change unless he has to.

My dad changed when he was left with two options ...stop or permanently damage his body.

I can only say ...you have to stop needing him. Look after yourself. And focus on that.

Your husband doesn't actually want you to save him. It actually makes him feel worse when you try to.

And people CAN be happy when they drink too much. In fact its part of HOW they express happiness.

Ireland is such a drink based culture.

To be drunk is a buzz.

I hated al anon too. Its a bit christian. Its not for everyone. But for some it works.

I hate the way tho it seems to be the only option for people.

He basically has to get sick of the bad side affects of drinking.

And even then he will have relapses. Lots of them.

bobbyy gee · 23-09-2020 2:46am

http://www.taborgroup.ie/news/st-patricks-day-torture-living-alcoholic/

Husband hiding alcohol

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