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To message him or not?

  • 21-09-2020 11:12am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So I've been finding it really difficult to get over someone. I dont know what it is but I just can't get him out of my head eventhough the way he ended things was wrong he ghosted me.

    Now this has happened quite a few weeks ago and I'm still thinking about him. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's probably because I didn't even get a message from him ending it so I never got closure.

    I don't know what I would even say in the message or why I would even want to send one? I just want to move past this. I don't expect a reply either. It's like I need to do it for myself not him so I can finally forget him.

    Maybe it's because I found out at the weekend he's now in a new relationship and I suppose that's heightened things again for me. I would probably just wish him well because that's how nice I am even if he doesn't deserve it.

    So what should I do?


Comments

  • #2
    Passenger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,148 ✭✭✭Passenger


    You move on. Him ghosting you was all the closure you need. He has moved on so say nothing and definitely send no messages. Simple as that.


  • #3
    Goodigal
    Registered Users Posts: 477 ✭✭Goodigal


    Delete his number. You won't message him then. He's moved on after ghosting you. Leave him to it and move forward yourself


  • #4
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Unsure woman wrote: »
    I would probably just wish him well because that's how nice I am even if he doesn't deserve it.

    He's more likely to find a message annoying rather than nice. And if your honest with yourself, you wouldn't be messaging out of the blue to be nice, you'd be doing it because you hope he'll notice you again.

    He wasn't interested enough to even tell you he wasn't interested, have some dignity and leave it alone.


  • #5
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,694 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Unsure woman wrote: »
    It's like I need to do it for myself not him so I can finally forget him.
    If that really is true, and it's 100% about moving yourself on, then why not.


    If that is just an excuse and you are actually looking for a response/apology/closure/him to get an impression of how you nice you are even though he doesn't deserve it, then don't do it.


  • #6
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Ghosting is so cowardly and cruel. You deserve more than someone who doesn't even have the character to end things with you.

    I'd recommend writing a letter to him, one that you have no intention of sending. Do it for yourself, to work through this pain and sadness that you're feeling in a way that allows you to process and move forward. You're probably feeling angry, rejected, isolated, abandoned - write it all down.

    And treat yourself with the compassion you deserve. Nothing you did caused him to ghost you and move onto the next girl. That's all his stuff. Leave it there where it belongs and watch your thinking around this. If it's triggered you, can you look more deeply at that - what exactly is it that you're feeling? Why do you feel that way? Use it as an opportunity to work through those feelings instead.


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  • #7
    LilacNails
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭LilacNails


    Op I have been in this situation few times, I have never ended up texting them, as much as I wanted too.......

    I promise you...... I was so so so glad I didn't. And because the first time (with the first guy) I didn't do it, I never ended up texting them because I always think of the relief after words of not going through with it.... Saving myself from giving them satisfaction and losing some of my self respect.

    Give it another few weeks and you'll have forgotten about him.

    A lot of us go through this ****e, you just gotta go through it sometimes. That's life!


  • #8
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Picture this :

    He's sitting with his mates. His phone Beebs. He groans and reads your message out. They all roar laughing.

    Or this:

    He's sitting with the girl he left you for / really fancies. He reads it out under the guise of feeling guilty to come across like a nice guy. She mutters faux concern to come across like a nice person. Complicit in their faux niceness they do what they actually want to do - pounce on each other.

    Or this:

    He is alone, reads the message and realises you are still thinking about him. He feels great! You must have really liked him. He must really be worth getting upset about... He feels so confident he decides he is going to ask out that girl he really likes.

    Or this (best case):
    He reads your message which lets him know you're still available. His other plans haven't worked out so he decides he might as well get back with you till something else comes along. He's not pushed but you're better than nothing.


    Don't bother. There is literally nothing to be gained. If he wanted to speak to you he would. Be honest with yourself too - it's not for closure, it's in the hope of rekindling something. And imagine how you'll feel when you run into him in the future.


  • #9
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,186 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    Katgurl wrote: »
    Picture this :

    He's sitting with his mates. His phone Beebs. He groans and reads your message out. They all roar laughing.

    Or this:

    He's sitting with the girl he left you for / really fancies. He reads it out under the guise of feeling guilty to come across like a nice guy. She mutters faux concern to come across like a nice person. Complicit in their faux niceness they do what they actually want to do - pounce on each other.

    Or this:

    He is alone, reads the message and realises you are still thinking about him. He feels great! You must have really liked him. He must really be worth getting upset about... He feels so confident he decides he is going to ask out that girl he really likes.

    Or this (best case):
    He reads your message which lets him know you're still available. His other plans haven't worked out so he decides he might as well get back with you till something else comes along. He's not pushed but you're better than nothing.


    Don't bother. There is literally nothing to be gained. If he wanted to speak to you he would. Be honest with yourself too - it's not for closure, it's in the hope of rekindling something. And imagine how you'll feel when you run into him in the future.

    That’s actually a brilliant post and puts it bluntly but accurately and could be useful for almost all these type of situations which are sadly very common


  • #10
    Redderthanever
    Registered Users Posts: 54 ✭✭Redderthanever


    Locker10a wrote: »
    That’s actually a brilliant post and puts it bluntly but accurately and could be useful for almost all these type of situations which are sadly very common
    You gave me this great advice when I had a similar situation which I'll paste here

    *It’s extremely cowardly of these people, and unfortunate they get away with it. I heard a suggestion before which I thought a good one, to write out a text to said person, perhaps in your notes on your phone, just expressing yourself, explaining how and why you feel they’ve been ****ty, don’t send it. Just express, read over it, edit what you want, maybe, send it to a close trusted friend who’s looped into the situation, just for context and opinion. Then save it and don’t send it for a week or two, if nothing has changed and you sill feel bothered, then maybe do send them the message to let the, know, in a dignified way on your part, their behaviour has been ****ty, after this block if you wish but ensure it’s your closure moment and end contact from there on*

    I can understand the feeling of feeling voiceless, of not having the chance to express your hurt- so send a txt if you need to express how you feel.. But only do it with no expectation or need for a reply. Make the txt about yourself and your feelings, don't raise any questions or involve him in any any way. This txt should be about you and for you- if you do send it, be then at peace and move on.


  • #11
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    Hi OP.
    I’ve been there a couple of times. Recently in fact.
    I’ve agonised back and forth, posted here, moaned to friends and family, cried and punished myself... only to be left with the same answer: he didn’t want me.
    You don’t forget to keep in contact with someone you fancy, are mad about or care about. Which suggests he wasn’t into it in the first place.
    Texting him is a waste of time for you, just inflates his ego further and will achieve nothing only exposing your wounds further.
    He’ll think “I can have this one anytime I want” and explore other options while you hold your heart out wondering.
    He will never be honest with you and “why”.

    Hold your head up and keep moving on. I’m currently still trying to do it. I’m not saying it’s easy but certainly the better option rather than making myself look desperate.

    I will never get my head around this ghosting business. It actually makes scenarios between people worse and more awkward because things for the rejected party are always unresolved and I know myself, weeks down the line and I’m still wondering “why”.

    Trying to move on!!


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  • #12
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    If he is in a relationship you should definitely NOT message him. Its really inappropriate. And its not fair on the woman he is with.

    OP....why you are fixated on him ...is something to do with YOU not him. Something is missing in your life.

    Even if he was single you should not message him.

    Stop focusing on him. Because you will end up wanting revenge or something ...which is even worse. Trust me. You can waste ages of your life on wanting revenge.

    This has happened to me i am not proud of it. (not in relationships but in life).

    It is sort of like you don't like the person and can't bring yourself to be with them ...but at the same time you think they should be reprimanded.

    I think you need to find a better way to express anger.

    Be honest you don't want to be with this guy ...you want to trigger him. That is why you want to message him.

    If you really liked him...You WOULD be happy for him.

    He doesn't like you ..he doesn't love you ...

    And the truth is you don't like him either ....not in a healthy way.

    Try not to love/hate ...anyone ...just be like 'oh cool he got a gf'.

    You have to learn to control your inner world.

    If he really was an ass ....he feels it. Its quite possible he wasnt though. He was just normal.

    I know you don't want to let go.

    So find something in your life to project that emotion on to.


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