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Feeling used and hurt
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09-09-2020 12:49am#1Hi guys, just want some insight into a situation at the moment.
Met a guy through a mutual friend, we knew each other for around 6 months before it became sexual so I suppose I felt like we had some basis for friendship. We would spend time together and I would stay over at his place. There was no talk as to what either of us was looking for.. I suppose I wasn't sure myself and was happy to see where it was going. In the times we didn't see each other, i guess there wasn't a whole lot of communication.. Maybe 4 or 5 days passing in between contact. Perhaps that would have been a red flag, I don't know. On one occasion I was there, his apt buzzer rang and it was his ex gf crying saying that he had no time for her anymore and seeming a bit distraught. He assured me that it was an ex firmly in the past that couldn't let go.. This was backed up by our mutual friend in common. I was wary but i decided to see how it played out.
I went away for a few months and we kept in touch.. He mentioned plans for us when i got back, trips we would take.. And seemed genuinely interested in progressing things. I also sent some intimate photos which i feel foolish about now. I suppose I had an expectation of something when I came home. Flash forward to then and I'm just feeling quite used and hurt. In the last 2 occasions, he has suggested meeting but on the day hasn't been in contact. I bumped into him on the street recently and he told me that he did txt but the message didn't deliver (??).. He also told me that he slept with his ex (a different one) while I was away. While i appreciate the honesty, i feel really let down and used, especially by someone i was friendly with. I tried to communicate this with him but he has said he doesn't see it that way. Is this just a case of ignore and unfriend? I'm embarrassed to say that this isn't the first time having a situation like this.. Is there any way i can protect myself better in the future?0
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HI Op
In a good relationship you do discuss what you are looking for from the relationship, and make sure you are both on the same page.
This doesn't prevent someone from lying to you or changing their mind, but it does at least check if you both want similar things.
It sounds to me like you were in a casual relationship with this friend, and that it fizzled out. It sounds to me like you may have been more committed to the relationship that him. And it takes a committed relationship to work around long distance and separation.
My suggestion to protect yourself better in the future is twofold. Communicate better, let them know what you want/expect, and vice versa. Be clear about relationship status, being exclusive.
Secondly if you see a red flag like not contacting you for days at a time, or you having to do all the running/organising then don't ignore it. Know what you want from your partner, and make sure they know when things are not okay. dont settle for crumbs. Be prepared to walk away if you are repeatedly let down.0 -
Describe the communication between you two in a bit more detail? You said there'd often be 4-5 days between any contact, would this be because you were expecting him to make first move always or was he ignoring your attempts at contact regularly?
Like you said the 2 times he made plans to meet up you didnt hear from him on the day, where you just sitting tight waiting for a call or text? Perhaps he was equally confused about your interest if he was the one initiating contact the whole time. Relationships work best when this is natural and closer to 50/50.
Sounds like given that you were hurt in the past you were playing it overly cool here, to a point where it almost looks to him like you're happy with just having a casual no strings situation.
I'm not sure you've too much right to be angry with him given the circumstances. Unless you're open with communication and making yourself vulnerable with your wants and needs you'll probably continue to have these confusing(for both parties) situationships.
I'm not sure it's too late here either, he did suggest trips away ect which suggests interest beyond the bedroom. He was honest with you about the ex situation. Try meet him halfway on communication and see if that brings you any closer, because there's every chance hes as confused and frustrated about the situation as you are.0 -
What did you want out of this? A relationship or a FWB? Your post isn't clear at all, so it's no stretch to say he didn't have a notion either. He probably went along with the casual thing because there was no indication that this was anything more. You didn't discuss it and you didn't convey any expectations to him at all. It was we're friends, then we're friends that end up in bed together with no meaningful progression from there.Redderthanever wrote: »I'm embarrassed to say that this isn't the first time having a situation like this.. Is there any way i can protect myself better in the future?
Sit down right now and figure out exactly what you want in your life. Do you want a meaningful relationship? Do casual setups work for you, if the net result seems to be that you end up feeling used? Can you have sex and not develop feelings? What can you do differently to guide things in the direction you want to go?
Figure that out and then effectively communicate that with every guy you date from now on. Literally, "I don't do the casual thing" and key - don't do it. Set those boundaries with guys. If they go MIA for days on end, when they come back, call them on it. Don't sit around waiting and wondering. Don't let guys keep things vague and non-committal if it doesn't work for you. Say what you need out loud. "I'm not looking for casual, so give me a call if things change on your side" and move on.
This can be terrifying when you're not used to being direct, it can be a confidence thing too. But try to use logic instead of emotion here. You can't possibly have a satisfying relationship with someone who gives a wide berth when you try to set some expectations. If someone drops off the face of the planet for a week, or says one thing and does another, they're not buying what you're selling. They're not a prospect. Better to nip this stuff in the bud to save you time and hassle like this.0 -
Well I wouldn't want to work it out with him now as I would not be able to move past the sleeping with someone else - it would take the sheen off for me.
I wouldn't be angry with him, I just wouldn't continue.
It's a shame though if you liked him.
You know you don't need anyone to give you permission to lay down your own boundaries when starting any kind of relationship. I wouldn't have kept sleeping with him if I was not hearing from him regularly enough to feel at ease.
I would always take an approach of "we might just be on different pages here - I'm not sure what you're offering is what I'm looking for." No-shows for dates, text messages mysteriously not delivering are just not good enough. He's not making an effort, he's either not interested enough or not available enough.
You deserve better.0 -
Thanks for your well thought out reply. Yeah i feel i could have communicated better in the beginning and walked away earlier before it got messy. Now unfortunately i think the friendship is tarnished.Xterminator wrote: »HI Op
In a good relationship you do discuss what you are looking for from the relationship, and make sure you are both on the same page.
This doesn't prevent someone from lying to you or changing their mind, but it does at least check if you both want similar things.
It sounds to me like you were in a casual relationship with this friend, and that it fizzled out. It sounds to me like you may have been more committed to the relationship that him. And it takes a committed relationship to work around long distance and separation.
My suggestion to protect yourself better in the future is twofold. Communicate better, let them know what you want/expect, and vice versa. Be clear about relationship status, being exclusive.
Secondly if you see a red flag like not contacting you for days at a time, or you having to do all the running/organising then don't ignore it. Know what you want from your partner, and make sure they know when things are not okay. dont settle for crumbs. Be prepared to walk away if you are repeatedly let down.0 -
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Well it seemed to be me reaching out more so, funny txts, articles I read and thought he would find interesting.. He would respond but wouldn't initiate until a 'helloooo' txt days later. In those in between days i didn't feel connected to him or his life at all. I told him that i was feeling a bit hurt and he suggested we go for as coffee the next day to talk about it and i agreed.. Heard no follow up plan.. Then didn't hear anything once again when we had organised for Sunday. It felt like he was just saying something in the moment. To be honest, my gut was telling me it was just casual for him and now it's over. It would have been nice to get an actual conversation with him, i think if you're intimate with someone and if you are on a friendly basis previous you deserve that.. I know though that life can't be wrapped up nicely like that.Describe the communication between you two in a bit more detail? You said there'd often be 4-5 days between any contact, would this be because you were expecting him to make first move always or was he ignoring your attempts at contact regularly?
Like you said the 2 times he made plans to meet up you didnt hear from him on the day, where you just sitting tight waiting for a call or text? Perhaps he was equally confused about your interest if he was the one initiating contact the whole time. Relationships work best when this is natural and closer to 50/50.
Sounds like given that you were hurt in the past you were playing it overly cool here, to a point where it almost looks to him like you're happy with just having a casual no strings situation.
I'm not sure you've too much right to be angry with him given the circumstances. Unless you're open with communication and making yourself vulnerable with your wants and needs you'll probably continue to have these confusing(for both parties) situationships.
I'm not sure it's too late here either, he did suggest trips away ect which suggests interest beyond the bedroom. He was honest with you about the ex situation. Try meet him halfway on communication and see if that brings you any closer, because there's every chance hww^es as confused and frustrated about the situation as you are.0 -
Thanks girl, when you lay it all out like that it's quite clear. My gut is telling me that it was just causal for him and now it's over. I'm annoyed that he didn't follow through with a conversation instead of just floating away. I do wonder if we were friends at all to be honest. Anyway, at least there's no more speculation now. Thanks for your replyWell I wouldn't want to work it out with him now as I would not be able to move past the sleeping with someone else - it would take the sheen off for me.
I wouldn't be angry with him, I just wouldn't continue.
It's a shame though if you liked him.
You know you don't need anyone to give you permission to lay down your own boundaries when starting any kind of relationship. I wouldn't have kept sleeping with him if I was not hearing from him regularly enough to feel at ease.
I would always take an approach of "we might just be on different pages here - I'm not sure what you're offering is what I'm looking for." No-shows for dates, text messages mysteriously not delivering are just not good enough. He's not making an effort, he's either not interested enough or not available enough.
You deserve better.0 -
I know how you feel. This happened me recently. We were exclusive pretty quickly and he was full on. But I always felt it was more physical than anything else for him. He was good with contact but I didn’t feel an emotional investment from him and then he just text me to end things two months later. I think I was a bit of a doormat but my personality is easy going so I find it hard to know when someone is taking advantage of me or is actually in it for the right reasons. I get that irregular contact at the beginning Is a red flag but it’s when it gets to a couple of months in that I struggle. Is what I’m accepting normal or is their questionably bad behaviour a red flag? How do I know what boundaries are reasonable In a relationship or me just being a prude/nag??0
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Redderthanever wrote: »Thanks girl, when you lay it all out like that it's quite clear. My gut is telling me that it was just causal for him and now it's over. I'm annoyed that he didn't follow through with a conversation instead of just floating away. I do wonder if we were friends at all to be honest. Anyway, at least there's no more speculation now. Thanks for your reply
Hi OP,
I could have honestly written your post (almost) exactly.
I have been in a similar situation with a guy for over a year, except we would have texted every single day.... for a year.... made plans, he even became friendly with some of my own friends and family, we often made loose plans to all do stuff together, we got on so well, same humour and felt comfortable saying anything etc.
There was always flirting but to be honest it felt more like a friendship, after about a year we ended up sleeping together, couple of times, wasn’t weird or awkward at all, and I didn’t see any reason why anything should change.
However 2 months on from waking up in the same bed..... and we are now in a situation where there’s zero contact, and I won’t lie, it’s upsetting.
I’m very easy going and relaxed in general but I find it quite Immature on his part to just ghost a friend with no explanation. I’ve been just letting things go, but feel sad daily when I see a meme or something funny related to a convo Etc we’d have and want to send it to him but then remember he doesn’t even open the messages in over a month. When you said about wondering were we ever friends at all , I felt that.
I now regret taking things to the bedroom as I feel this is the only reason things changed and I really did value the friendship, he obviously didn’t and I feel like something disposable, so I feel what you’re going through it’s really really crap0 -
@Nauerissue That’s it exactly-you feel disposable. I nearly felt relieved to even get a text message as you nearly expect to be ghosted these days. By people you were friends with! It’s so upsetting when you think how comfortable you are with the person, all the conversations you have shared and they don’t have the respect for you to have a Break up conversation-they just take the easy way out and disappear. Is this behaviour becoming the norm?? My friends In relationships are horrified I was treated this way.0
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In this day and age, with 100's of ways of contacting people, there is no way his message didn't deliver. What a feeble cop out of an excuse. The weasel.
If I genuinely wanted to message somebody and keep in contact with them, I'd find a way to contact them. Be it FB messenger, WhatsApp, Instagram, Viber, Snapchat, or just a good ole fashioned text message to your phone, people are so unbelievably contactable these days!
And since you're friends with the guy I'm assuming you are friends on more than one of these platforms?
The audacity of the little sh!t.
I know it feels crap. Been there done that. But BELIEVE me you are so much better off without him. I'd hate to think 6 months down the line you're still searching for answers from him while he's loving the ego boost and your self esteem and confidence are just getting eroded.0 -
So sorry to hear that story, that is so cowardly and cruel of him. I knows logically that we shouldn't want these guys as friends considering how disloyal they are, but it still hurts I know. Did you ever tell him how much he hurt you, because he really needs to know how he treats people is unacceptable. It really frustrates me because i think there is so much pressure on women to exit with dignity when all you want is to express the pain you're feeling. Guys like those ones have the uncanny ability to deflect their behaviour and make you feel like you're being overly emotional when really they're trying to assuage their own guilty conscience.Naeurissue wrote: »Hi OP,
I could have honestly written your post (almost) exactly.
I have been in a similar situation with a guy for over a year, except we would have texted every single day.... for a year.... made plans, he even became friendly with some of my own friends and family, we often made loose plans to all do stuff together, we got on so well, same humour and felt comfortable saying anything etc.
There was always flirting but to be honest it felt more like a friendship, after about a year we ended up sleeping together, couple of times, wasn’t weird or awkward at all, and I didn’t see any reason why anything should change.
However 2 months on from waking up in the same bed..... and we are now in a situation where there’s zero contact, and I won’t lie, it’s upsetting.
I’m very easy going and relaxed in general but I find it quite Immature on his part to just ghost a friend with no explanation. I’ve been just letting things go, but feel sad daily when I see a meme or something funny related to a convo Etc we’d have and want to send it to him but then remember he doesn’t even open the messages in over a month. When you said about wondering were we ever friends at all , I felt that.
I now regret taking things to the bedroom as I feel this is the only reason things changed and I really did value the friendship, he obviously didn’t and I feel like something disposable, so I feel what you’re going through it’s really really crap0 -
I'm really sorry this happened to you and it really is awfull to go through, I should know as I'm currently going through it and I have so many different emotions every day.
So what my guy did was block me on everything without any notice any message nothing. It was so out of the blue. We were getting on really well and had made plans that were his idea.
The way he did it shocked me the most. It was so cold and heartless. I was always open with him and made it known he could say if he wasn't happy at any stage.
But he still took the coward's way out. Even though this happened a few weeks ago it still hurts. I go through waves of anger towards him on one hand but on the other I probably still like him and I wish it would go away.
And I can't even call him out on his ****ty behaviour towards me so I have to try to come to terms with it which I'm still doing.
I think sometimes I may be too sensitive because I would never even dream of doing that to anyone no matter how hard it is. I suppose not everyone has the same standards that I expect or maybe I expect too much?
I still have so many questions that will never get answered. But I will say it has changed me I will be so much more wary now and that itself is quite sad.
The way I see it this ghosting is becoming so acceptable these days and that we should all just accept it.
Unfortunately some guys are like this. I hope in time to get past this and I hope you will too but it will take time. Take care 🙂0 -
Redderthanever wrote: »So sorry to hear that story, that is so cowardly and cruel of him. I knows logically that we shouldn't want these guys as friends considering how disloyal they are, but it still hurts I know. Did you ever tell him how much he hurt you, because he really needs to know how he treats people is unacceptable. It really frustrates me because i think there is so much pressure on women to exit with dignity when all you want is to express the pain you're feeling. Guys like those ones have the uncanny ability to deflect their behaviour and make you feel like you're being overly emotional when really they're trying to assuage their own guilty conscience.
It’s extremely cowardly of these people, and unfortunate they get away with it. I heard a suggestion before which I thought a good one, to write out a text to said person, perhaps in your notes on your phone, just expressing yourself, explaining how and why you feel they’ve been ****ty, don’t send it. Just express, read over it, edit what you want, maybe, send it to a close trusted friend who’s looped into the situation, just for context and opinion. Then save it and don’t send it for a week or two, if nothing has changed and you sill feel bothered, then maybe do send them the message to let the, know, in a dignified way on your part, their behaviour has been ****ty, after this block if you wish but ensure it’s your closure moment and end contact from there on0 -
I did this and am glad I did it. I said my piece in a measured way. Didn’t get a reply but wasn’t expecting to.0
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Another woman dumped and blocked here too! What is going on with men these days?
I had known my boyfriend for 15 years, got together 5 years ago and he dumped me after 4 months then we got back together 2 years ago and started a relationship again. I thought he adored me - more fool me! By this time, it was a long distance relationship so I only saw him every couple of weeks, but he reassured me that he liked his space and was independent, and I was due to move back to his city at some point anyway once my work contract finished, as I still have a house there (that I can't sell).
Cue lockdown and being unable to see each other. I texted him and he phoned me to tell me had "was seeing someone else now". It was so hurtful. 3 minute phone call, he refused to meet up and worst of all, I had to ask for my stuff back and I found it had been dumped outside my house once I was able to visit my old house in his city and been left there for days. Most of it was bedding and it was ruined because it had been rained on, so I just had to throw it away.
He texted me to say he had left it but I had no way of getting there to bring it in from the rain and I replied, just saying I found him a completely different person that I'd known for 15 years and he replied saying he had to be honest! Err, no, you weren't honest when you were telling me you couldn't meet up due to self isolation when you were actually seeing her!
Then he proceeded to block me, at least I didn't contact him again but I can't see his profile picture on Whatsapp any more, so I suppose he must have done.
Worse still, I know the woman he dumped me for and she is very rough - swearing and talking about sexual acts on her social media, very different from him. I would have found it less upsetting if he had left me for someone he was falling in love with, but I think he's ended it already with her. So what a waste of time that all was. I've lost all respect for him and never want to set eyes on him again but its just all so...uncivil. I had to get an STI test (fortunately clear) as I know how much she had slept around and I would never have got an honest answer from him if I'd asked him if there had been any overlap.
So are we all meant to be sociopaths now and to be sleeping with people one week and then just cut them off with no feelings and move on to the next one?0 -
🀮🀮 What an actual scumbag, leaving your stuff out in the rain like that, that is just not right. I wouldn't worry about her, maybe she too was used by him, you are so better off. As for why it is generally men who act so avoidant.. I wish i knew. I know men get hurt too by women but it does seem to be the majority of women who have these ridiculously disrespectful things happen to them. Male input please?Bonjour Tristesse wrote: »Another woman dumped and blocked here too! What is going on with men these days?
I had known my boyfriend for 15 years, got together 5 years ago and he dumped me after 4 months then we got back together 2 years ago and started a relationship again. I thought he adored me - more fool me! By this time, it was a long distance relationship so I only saw him every couple of weeks, but he reassured me that he liked his space and was independent, and I was due to move back to his city at some point anyway once my work contract finished, as I still have a house there (that I can't sell).
Cue lockdown and being unable to see each other. I texted him and he phoned me to tell me had "was seeing someone else now". It was so hurtful. 3 minute phone call, he refused to meet up and worst of all, I had to ask for my stuff back and I found it had been dumped outside my house once I was able to visit my old house in his city and been left there for days. Most of it was bedding and it was ruined because it had been rained on, so I just had to throw it away.
He texted me to say he had left it but I had no way of getting there to bring it in from the rain and I replied, just saying I found him a completely different person that I'd known for 15 years and he replied saying he had to be honest! Err, no, you weren't honest when you were telling me you couldn't meet up due to self isolation when you were actually seeing her!
Then he proceeded to block me, at least I didn't contact him again but I can't see his profile picture on Whatsapp any more, so I suppose he must have done.
Worse still, I know the woman he dumped me for and she is very rough - swearing and talking about sexual acts on her social media, very different from him. I would have found it less upsetting if he had left me for someone he was falling in love with, but I think he's ended it already with her. So what a waste of time that all was. I've lost all respect for him and never want to set eyes on him again but its just all so...uncivil. I had to get an STI test (fortunately clear) as I know how much she had slept around and I would never have got an honest answer from him if I'd asked him if there had been any overlap.
So are we all meant to be sociopaths now and to be sleeping with people one week and then just cut them off with no feelings and move on to the next one?0
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