Stranger abuse

123Lucky · 18-06-2013 10:58pm #1

So, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just how other people react to this kind of thing?

I was walking home from work this morning and passed this fairly normal looking guy, in his thirties or forties I'd say and he said something to me that sounded like "Here!" but then kept walking. I had my earphones in and went to take them out to ask what he had said when I realised that what he'd actually said was "queer".

This is I think maybe the third time something like this has happened to me? But it just really caught me off guard. It was on my mind all day and I just can't wrap my head around it. When I hear religious arguments I don't agree but I understand where its coming from. I also expect it from other teenagers. But what was going through his head that he just felt the need to call me queer? The word itself doesn't bother me all that much but like I said, I've been thinking about it all day. And I wonder, was it on HIS mind at all afterwards? Did he even think about it afterwards? Why did he even do it Anyways, as I started talking about it more I did get angry. I don't know why exactly but I hate that some people feel like they can just try and put people down, and obviously it works.

So, anyone have any thoughts on all of this? And what would your own reactions have been to this? I was too stunned to even consider doing anything but it really got to me. Do people generally brush it off? Or say something back?

Rant over now...

wonderfulname · 19-06-2013 1:22am

It takes me a while to register things like that, I'd generally ignore and forget, it doesn't really phase me. For a while I was getting a lot of it from young people in my area (lovely area that it is) and I just started talking to them and calmly asking them questions, they stopped bugging me after a bit though I doubt because anything got through, it was probably more that I'd become the least fun target in the world.

Someone once made my day by yelling homophobic slurs out a car window at me, they gendered me male, I would love for them to know how genuinely elated I was at that, I was in a crap mood and it cheered me right up.

Ambersky · 19-06-2013 6:03pm

Really sorry 123Lucky that this happened to you and that it played on your mind afterwards.
I cant think of any smart retorts to a complete stranger feeling the need to make what he thinks is a disparaging remark to you as you pass by, just at the moment. Maybe other posters know some.
On the few occasions strangers have said things to me I can only think of one time I was able to respond quickly and that was because I had heard the line before and thought it was very funny and by some streak of luck I was able to pull it out of the hat when the opportunity arose.
On that occasion a courier on a motor bike had a spot of road rage which he wanted to take out on me, so he pulled his bike up alongside my car and said
"are you a f****n Lesbian" in an angry way.
I looked at him calmly and said "why, are you?"
He nearly fell off his bike .

So I guess it sometimes helps to rehearse a couple of lines for such occasions. The insults aren't usually very imaginative so you probably only need to come up with a few snappy retorts to cover most of what is likely to be thrown at you .
Then of course you do need to pick your moment and check out just how dangerous the situation is or could get particularly if this particular smart arse has friends. The situation can get very nasty when you get the better of someone with their friends watching. Their plan was to humiliate you not the other way around and now what are they going to do. I was glad I was surrounded by metal and inside my car when I delivered that line to the biker.

As to why people feel the need to call anyone else names, insecurity, probably at its core. If people felt secure in themselves I don't think they would need to do stuff like that, but lots of people feel threatened in this changing world. Economic and social pressures have people looking for scapegoats, someone to blame for why their particular situation isn't what they think they deserve. They see others as doing well or even better than them maybe and think that this is at their expense. You know immigrants are taking all our jobs, feminists have destroyed the male ego, Gay Marriage is destroying the fabric of society and will put an end to Straight Marriage etc etc.

Anger is an emotion and is often the first thing that lets us know someone has stepped over the mark, has invaded our boundaries, and when expressed in a clear verbal manner it is a way to tell others to back up.
You didn't express anger immediately at being publicly insulted 123Lucky, for various reasons. Because you didnt get or take that opportunity, which wasnt your fault, be careful not to blame yourself either and turn that anger around on yourself. Its funny how ten nice things can happen to us in a day and if one bad thing happens we let that take over our thoughts and mull over it for ages, blocking out all the good feelings we could be having over the nice things that happened.
Whatever you do, know that what happened was because of some lack in that guys life, it said far more about him than it did about you. Dont let it get you down.

Rick_ · 20-06-2013 12:11pm

Sadly, I have also experienced this with random strangers, usually youngsters who probably heard the word, found it funny and decided to shout it at people. The best thing to do is ignore them and eventually they will lose interest because they aren't getting a reaction. I know that's hard, because the thing you'd love to do is give them a reaction, a very sharp tongued retort or even better a damn good dig in the face!

I love this scene in 'Aliens', (heck, I love the whole film! :P) I think you might have been thinking of this, Ambersky?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYkxCzBszOQ

Ambersky · 20-06-2013 1:14pm

Thank you Paddy C. I love the film too and do remember that scene so it probably is the origins of the line I used, thanks for finding it.
Just looked up a few retorts online. Come on guys and gals we have to be able to come up with a few more.

Heres a sample of the ones I found.

"Your so Gay"
"You probably think this hard on is about you"

"Your so Gay"
"You probably think this song is about you ...Dont you ....Dont you"

"Your so Gay"
".......as in FABULOUS?"

"Your so Gay"
"Takes one to know one honey"

"Your so Gay"
"and I return the compliment"

"Your so Gay"
" "Oh, my god, I KNOW!!" and do a little clap"

Those were from the first site I looked up Googling gay retorts, anyone got any more.
http://www.datalounge.com/cgi-bin/iowa/ajax.html?t=9179413#page:showThread,9179413

bodice ripper · 20-06-2013 2:07pm

go George Carlin on it.

"well bend over and let's find out!"

LegacyUser · 20-06-2013 2:11pm

I'm not gay, not that it matters but this type of random 'attack' in any walk of life really annoys me.

What I always say to people is not to focus on these wastes of space, but instead to focus on the 99.999% of people who wouldn't dream of randomly insulting people like that.

Works for me anyway

Ambersky · 20-06-2013 6:15pm

OMG that is so rude, bodice ripper

pragmatic1 · 21-06-2013 11:36pm

There will always be assholes in the world. If it isn't someone getting abuse about their sexuality, it'll be their race, looks, weight, etc. You can't change people being dickheads, but what you can do is change the way you react to it. Don't allow what some anonymous nothing says to ruin your day.

Failing that make really nasty comments about their family.

Petey89 · 24-06-2013 2:35pm

something like that happened me too few years ago now, I was walking to work and four guys in a car driving past just opened there window and shouted "queer" I didn't know them but they must of known me being a small town everyone knows everything about you, or they like to think they do! Just gotta forget about these people and not let them get you down.

Vojera · 26-06-2013 5:26pm

Personally I tend to just not react at all. I've never been shouted at because of my sexuality (I don't took "stereotypically" lesbian, and when people see women holding hands on the street, they don't necessarily assume "gay!"), but I have been for other things, and my thinking is that people with the mindset to abuse others are also people you cannot defeat in a battle of wits. It doesn't matter how snappy or logical your response is, you can't reason with people like that.

Stranger abuse

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