I got some abuse last night out

1ZRed · 28-05-2012 10:54pm #1

I kind of have fill you all in on the back story to make more sense of the situation. So bare with me.

I was drinking heavily over the weekend and I jumped behind the bar and stole a statue and got away with it, but not before falling on my ass in the process:rolleyes:

Anyway yesterday I was at home in the local pub drinking since like 2 in the day and in the evening some of the guys where telling the story about what I did and they were calling me a hero but were taking the piss out of me for landing on my ass.
They were messing with me and askin is that really how I got hurt.
Me being drunk and stupid, I thought I'd mention how I got chatted up by a guy in front of my friends. Just for a laugh.

Now from this point on, I don't remember what happened at all!
My friends where saying I was getting really really bad abuse. Well past the point of just being guy humour.

These were all older guys in their late 20s and 30s and I get on with them but they are crazy homophobic to the point of being violent.

It just made me think of how I'll ever be able to come out around here. If I do, I'll be talked about and made to feel like an outcast nearly. I know for a fact my dad will be ashamed and will be really disappointed in me.
Now I'm not a sensitive guy, but I've always struggled with my sexuality and this just hammers home the point that I won't have a lot of support where I'm from.
How bad is that.

Shakti · 28-05-2012 11:18pm

You should find people who actually are your friends,
Its called abuse for a reason emotional or physical, friends or family do not put up with it.

1ZRed · 28-05-2012 11:29pm

Shakti wrote: »

You should find people who actually are your friends,
Its called abuse for a reason emotional or physical, friends or family do not put up with it.

I was only there with my two friends and rest are just the local lads and a few cousins. I know it's normal to be taking the piss out of each other but my friend texted me saying don't worry about it and saying it was really full on. He's the one that said we'll head off to another pub.
I'm not out to any of them, not even the friends I was with so it was a bit disheartening.
My sisters boyfriend texted me even and he said the same, don't worry about it and also said "keep it low key"!

Granted the night before he said "I know you're not gay" and I was laughing to myself but wtf? Does he know something?

Shakti · 28-05-2012 11:50pm

You come out when your ready or don't it's up to you, as for drinking too much and falling on your ass well thats practically a sport in this country at the weekend, slagging/taking the piss is part of the banter but when it hurts I think it is similar to 'negging' were others seek to control your emotional responses for their own amusement etc.
Do you have any Gay friends? or anybody to talk to about it?

1ZRed · 29-05-2012 12:48am

Shakti wrote: »

You come out when your ready or don't it's up to you, as for drinking too much and falling on your ass well thats practically a sport in this country at the weekend, slagging/taking the piss is part of the banter but when it hurts I think it is similar to 'negging' were others seek to control your emotional responses for their own amusement etc.
Do you have any Gay friends? or anybody to talk to about it?

Tbh, I'm not ready to come out to my family. Only a few people know.
I actually sent off a PM there to friend on Facebook saying I was bi. My heart was pounding! I'm stressing over the response...

I don't have any gay friends at all and considering I'm really guarded with my feelings, I don't talk about them to anyone so I said I need to start coming out for my own good.
I hope it goes well:o

i_steal_sheep · 29-05-2012 9:41am

Chin Up! I would not worry too much about them jack-asses in the pub. Their reaction unfortunately says more about themselves than it does about you. Take you time - once you understand what's going on inside your own head, you'll be fine - understand your own emotions first and then take if from there. Don't come out just becuase you feel you have to!

LegacyUser · 29-05-2012 10:35am

For the sake of your safety I suggest you don't drink so much if you go to your local, if something does happen then your reactions will be faster. Sometimes I wonder what we expect from a country that only decriminalized homosexuality in 1993. Incitement to hatred against homosexuals is against the law, isn't it? You would never know in this country, homophobia is rampant and casual.

Silvics · 29-05-2012 11:27am

First, cut out the drinking-it's neither smart nor healthy.
Your post shows that you're a bright spark. Anyone that is homophobic is potentially dangerous-most homophobes behave in such a way to deflect attention from their inherent discomfort with their own sexuality and may get physical with you to prove their "masculinity".
You have one life-enjoy it and be true to yourself. To hell with what anyone thinks-what you want comes first. You might be surprised at how your Dad will react-he probably has his suspicions. At the moment you're like a drowning person struggling to stay above the waves-come out and it's as if you've hit dry land. Take a night/weekend in Dublin or London and get out and meet other gay men. There are all sorts, and so many looking and willing to at least make friends and possibly meet someone.
Remember, life's a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving. Good luck.

1ZRed · 29-05-2012 12:05pm

Silvics wrote: »

First, cut out the drinking-it's neither smart nor healthy.
Your post shows that you're a bright spark. Anyone that is homophobic is potentially dangerous-most homophobes behave in such a way to deflect attention from their inherent discomfort with their own sexuality and may get physical with you to prove their "masculinity".
You have one life-enjoy it and be true to yourself. To hell with what anyone thinks-what you want comes first. You might be surprised at how your Dad will react-he probably has his suspicions. At the moment you're like a drowning person struggling to stay above the waves-come out and it's as if you've hit dry land. Take a night/weekend in Dublin or London and get out and meet other gay men. There are all sorts, and so many looking and willing to at least make friends and possibly meet someone.
Remember, life's a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving. Good luck.

Yeah I agree with you about being true to myself and that's why I said I'll start coming out. I haven't done it since new years and even then I was so drunk, I was out of it. Not very good!:rolleyes:

I'm the type of guy to take the piss out of myself because I don't care or take take anything seriously, not even the comments.
What got me bothered is the homophobic reaction of where I live. It's a rural area and there's no escaping that, they won't change because they're stuck back in their ways. Even the young enough guys.
Yeah I don't know how my dad will react but he has always cared more about how other people see us and how we appear to people. I couldn't care less so we're not very close at all.
And because he lives and goes out around here, he's always going to be reminded of me and have everyone talk about that son behind his back.
No one is openly gay around here and if I were to come out, I would be the first.

I understand why now.

i_steal_sheep · 29-05-2012 12:50pm

You'll actually be surprised by what he thinks matters and what actually matters.

You've hit the nail on the head there

they won't change because they're stuck back in their ways

, and they resent themselves for that and so whatever vitriol or abuse they direct at others is their own way of making them feel better about their own lives. Be happy. Be what makes you happy. Your family will love you unconditionally, just remember that when you spring something like that on them - you've had a lifetime to adjust to the idea ;-)

Silvics wrote: »

First, cut out the drinking-it's neither smart nor healthy.

I think moderation is sometimes a better approach...

libnation · 29-05-2012 2:15pm

I don't want to contribute to a discussion on giving up drink vs moderation (in case this thread veers off topic)

BUT if you are closeted and love to get smashed (like I was), you will most likely come out to people and not remember (as it is on your mind when you are sober, it becomes an inhibition that goes away when drunk), If you want to be careful about how and who you come out to - drinking will make things hard (once I cried to a bouncer who was kicking me out of McDonalds for falling over the place, I was shouting "MY PARENTS SHOULD LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM" - my friends were so puzzled (oh the shame, but funny in retrospect!)).

1ZRed · 29-05-2012 3:35pm

libnation wrote: »

I don't want to contribute to a discussion on giving up drink vs moderation (in case this thread veers off topic)

BUT if you are closeted and love to get smashed (like I was), you will most likely come out to people and not remember (as it is on your mind when you are sober, it becomes an inhibition that goes away when drunk), If you want to be careful about how and who you come out to - drinking will make things hard (once I cried to a bouncer who was kicking me out of McDonalds for falling over the place, I was shouting "MY PARENTS SHOULD LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM" - my friends were so puzzled (oh the shame, but funny in retrospect!)).

Haha! I've been there! Not the crying or anything but so many times it's been on the tip of tongue to blurt out "I like dudes!".
Once I came out to two random girls who were very supportive and even told me that her uncle was gay and getting married. Most random conversation ever!

Shame I haven't had much look getting the courage to come out fully after that:o:p

Locker10a · 29-05-2012 7:24pm

I understand what you mean by living in a backward place! i kinda do too ! But i had a really good experience in this place recently! It was surprising but my give you a lettle hope, maybe not but it had an impact on me and gave me hope!
Like yourself we were on the beer! by we i mean me and a couple of friends and cousins.
Anyway ended up in a house party/predrinkin session, we only knew one person there(who invited us) and didnt know the rest. Turns out the"others" were a really rough crowd. I dont tend to judge people but they were a rough crowd, im talkin guys who are in and out of prision here! So we were a little intimidated at first to say the least.
We just sat down started drinkin and chatted to ourselves akwardly, while the lads were havin a bit of banter, yano yourself, jibein eachother and describing what they would do to what ever good looking girl who appeared on the telly. They had also spelt out the word "homo" in those fridge magnet letters which along with a couple other comments thrown around lead me to have no doubt these guys were homophobic.
Anyway we mainly kept to ourselves and engauged in a little conversation with them but nothing much.
Untill the bomb dropped! To my horror the guy throwing the party mention me being gay, not in a malicious way just general comment, but because of the company we were in i expected the worst and just wanted to click my fingers and be gone from the situation.
What followed shocked me, one of the guys heard the comment directly, looked at me (obviously saw the look on my face) then turned to the guy who said it and told him that was out of order to embarass me like that and he should have a bit more cop! I was surprised to say the least, this caught the attention of another guy, who was sat next to me, he asked whats going on and was informed, he also told the first guy to cop on before turning to me and saying "dont heed him, theres nothing wrong with being gay " now this had turned into a discussion involving the whole room, who all agreed there was nothing wrong with being gay and that "some people are just that way inclined".
Ten minutes earliers homophobic comments were being thrown around the room and now there was a discussion about how "that sort of hatered is awful bad" .
As the night went on i was talkin to one guy who told me his brother is actually gay, someone called his brother a fag so he beat them up and they ended up in hospital he got a prision sentence for it. Violence it wrong i know but that kind of impressed me :O
Anyway lesson is in general people arent that homophobic, it is just a way of expressing masculinity in the case of some men the very same way thay talk about how they would ride rihanna etc.
That night really opened my eyes , especially about predjustices we carry about certain people.
Not everyone out there is against you, remeber that, infact there are proably more in support of you than against you

ninty9er · 30-05-2012 1:03am

On the flip side. I'd say there's a difference between drunken ignorance pushed a bit too far and homophobia. Let's not have everybody staying in and drinking sparkling water for fear some idiot might slag them off.

Yes, there may be a danger, but the reality is that as a nation we really are much more laid back about homosexuality than you would think.

We take the piss out of absolutely everything, and the most likely thing those lads would feel if they knew you were gay is embarrassment and awkwardness.

The Irish attitude to homosexuality is like the Irish attitude to everything else, it's to be feared until it actually lands in front of you and Armageddon doesn't happen, a bit like engines over 2l before the motor tax system changed, or the IMF before they actually gave us money and didn't give a flying **** what we did with it as long as we didn't need more of it.

People realise that homosexuality isn't abnormal when the same guy/girl that they thought was straight last week walks in this week after they've been told that the person is homosexual and has the same conversation, in the same tone of voice, in the same type of clothes as they did when they were "straight" last week.

/rant

i_steal_sheep · 30-05-2012 9:00am

That's the stuff - common sense right there!

ninty9er wrote: »

On the flip side. I'd say there's a difference between drunken ignorance pushed a bit too far and homophobia. Let's not have everybody staying in and drinking sparkling water for fear some idiot might slag them off.

Yes, there may be a danger, but the reality is that as a nation we really are much more laid back about homosexuality than you would think.

We take the piss out of absolutely everything, and the most likely thing those lads would feel if they knew you were gay is embarrassment and awkwardness.

The Irish attitude to homosexuality is like the Irish attitude to everything else, it's to be feared until it actually lands in front of you and Armageddon doesn't happen, a bit like engines over 2l before the motor tax system changed, or the IMF before they actually gave us money and didn't give a flying **** what we did with it as long as we didn't need more of it.

People realise that homosexuality isn't abnormal when the same guy/girl that they thought was straight last week walks in this week after they've been told that the person is homosexual and has the same conversation, in the same tone of voice, in the same type of clothes as they did when they were "straight" last week.

/rant

DubArk · 30-05-2012 11:20am

1ZRed wrote: »

I kind of have fill you all in on the back story to make more sense of the situation. So bare with me.

I was drinking heavily over the weekend and I jumped behind the bar and stole a statue and got away with it, but not before falling on my ass in the process:rolleyes:

Anyway yesterday I was at home in the local pub drinking since like 2 in the day and in the evening some of the guys where telling the story about what I did and they were calling me a hero but were taking the piss out of me for landing on my ass.
They were messing with me and askin is that really how I got hurt.
Me being drunk and stupid, I thought I'd mention how I got chatted up by a guy in front of my friends. Just for a laugh.

Now from this point on, I don't remember what happened at all!
My friends where saying I was getting really really bad abuse. Well past the point of just being guy humour.

These were all older guys in their late 20s and 30s and I get on with them but they are crazy homophobic to the point of being violent.

It just made me think of how I'll ever be able to come out around here. If I do, I'll be talked about and made to feel like an outcast nearly. I know for a fact my dad will be ashamed and will be really disappointed in me.
Now I'm not a sensitive guy, but I've always struggled with my sexuality and this just hammers home the point that I won't have a lot of support where I'm from.
How bad is that.

Yeah I used to get blotto on the old fruit juice in the early days and blurt out some right ****e, wake up the next morning in the horrors, making things in my head even worse….. Yes I was a crier too! I was so unhappy with my situation that I thought the booze would hide my self worthlessness! Again I don’t want to get into the whole booze thing it’s not important, it’s how you’re feeling inside that is.

I think you need to take a step back. Confidence takes time to grow within and that’s where you need to aim. You sound as if your all over the shop at the moment and not quite sure what is expected of you and what you should do. You are the important person here not the lads in the pub or even your family at this stage. I don’t know were you’re based, you have stated a small town somewhere and that doesn’t help. I too was from a very small town and I know how this can seem to be your whole world, it isn’t!!

If I was talking to me back then I would say pick up the phone and talk to someone and get this stuff out there with people that understand where you’re at.
Gay Switchboard

mikemac1 · 30-05-2012 9:51pm

1ZRed wrote: »

I was drinking heavily over the weekend and I jumped behind the bar and stole a statue and got away with it, but not before falling on my ass in the process:rolleyes:

People get barred for less

Take a break from the drinking, find some new activites with your friends

drunkmonkey · 30-05-2012 10:03pm

Zred, if I can offer some advice from the future, don't follow your feelings they will only stand in your way. Never loose your close friends they will be with you to the end. Don`t put yourself in cage whether it be gay or sraight.
Only admit to being a Monkey like everyone else, sometime likes a banana but also known to fancy the odd coconut. Were all monkeys in the end, and all monkeys like to swing.
But most of all don't smoke and wear sunscreen, ohh and I nearly forgot, enjoy yourself!!

1ZRed · 31-05-2012 1:27am

mikemac1 wrote: »

People get barred for less

Take a break from the drinking, find some new activites with your friends

Only if you get caught though;)

Why does everyone seem to think I have a drinking problem?

Annasopra · 31-05-2012 10:11am

1ZRed wrote: »

Only if you get caught though;)

Why does everyone seem to think I have a drinking problem?

I don't think anyone said you have a drinking problem - what most people are saying is that you should be careful when drinking - This totally makes sense - drinking too much can have negative effects - sending yourself into a depressed mood, reacting too slowly, saying things that might put you in danger, getting so drunk that you don't know what you're doing and then having unsafe sex - I'm not preaching here - just stating facts to be aware of.

Aurongroove · 01-06-2012 4:39am

I almost Freudian-slipped myself out of the closet a few times back in the day.

I have a compulsion for honesty so hiding something like being gay was a tremendous strain on my mental processing.

I've actually never encountered anyone from my youth or old, pre-University class mates days etc while at home.
I'd almost go so far as to say I'd like to meet someone who's homophobic from back home so I could have the satisfaction of "setting them straight", if you'll excuse the irony.

1ZRed · 02-06-2012 8:29pm

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Zred, if I can offer some advice from the future, don't follow your feelings they will only stand in your way. Never loose your close friends they will be with you to the end. Don`t put yourself in cage whether it be gay or sraight.
Only admit to being a Monkey like everyone else, sometime likes a banana but also known to fancy the odd coconut. Were all monkeys in the end, and all monkeys like to swing.
But most of all don't smoke and wear sunscreen, ohh and I nearly forgot, enjoy yourself!!

That's basically my situation right now. I've always said I was bi but I now think I'm gay.
I still find girls really attractive and have enjoyed being with them but I think the more I'm starting to understand my sexuality, the more I find myself attracted to men.
I know I don't fit all the criteria of being gay, and that doesn't bother me, but it's starting to look like I'm playing loyally to the same team rather than both now:)

Pedant · 03-06-2012 8:00pm

Move to Dublin, you'll find more solace there. And don't try to rob any statues anymore (:P). Furthermore, if someone slags you constantly for being gay (and is serious about it, sometimes even violent) then maybe you should consider not seeing them as your friends at all. If people can't accept you for who you are, they're not you friends.

Anyway, it's really funny who you find out is gay. Lots of these homophobes are just closeted it seems. Only a couple of days ago I saw someone from my old school on pof.com who had "MSM" on his profile. I remembered him to be very homophobic and a bit of a womaniser too; seemed to have been all a show in the end.

1ZRed · 03-06-2012 9:59pm

Pedant wrote: »

Move to Dublin, you'll find more solace there. And don't try to rob any statues anymore (:P). Furthermore, if someone slags you constantly for being gay (and is serious about it, sometimes even violent) then maybe you should consider not seeing them as your friends at all. If people can't accept you for who you are, they're not you friends.

Anyway, it's really funny who you find out is gay. Lots of these homophobes are just closeted it seems. Only a couple of days ago I saw someone from my old school on pof.com who had "MSM" on his profile. I remembered him to be very homophobic and a bit of a womaniser too; seemed to have been all a show in the end.

I'd love to move to Dublin Pedant but I'm stuck in Galway for a few years at best
so I might as well make the most of it (including the odd statue!:o)

I have my suspicions about a few of them, including a 23 guy who is very hot.
Next time I'm out with them I might start throwing some drinks at him and see what happens;)

Pedant · 03-06-2012 10:27pm

1ZRed wrote: »

I'd love to move to Dublin Pedant but I'm stuck in Galway for a few years at best
so I might as well make the most of it (including the odd statue!:o)

I have my suspicions about a few of them, including a 23 guy who is very hot.
Next time I'm out with them I might start throwing some drinks at him and see what happens;)

A word of caution, don't poke too much, if you know what I mean. It might provoke an undesired reaction, especially if they are a bit homophobic and know you're gay.

1ZRed · 03-06-2012 10:41pm

Pedant wrote: »

A word of caution, don't poke too much, if you know what I mean. It might provoke an undesired reaction, especially if they are a bit homophobic and know you're gay.

I get you;) I just want to see if I can make a bit of progress but I know how to be discreet and give up when I'm getting nowhere.
They don't know I'm gay at all. No one ever suspects, it's just that they were throwing homophobic comments at me because of what happened. It wasn't based on anything though.

I'm starting to realise that it's not wise to poke the bear, as much as I want to:p

foggy_lad · 04-06-2012 9:31am

1ZRed wrote: »

I get you;) I just want to see if I can make a bit of progress but I know how to be discreet and give up when I'm getting nowhere.
They don't know I'm gay at all. No one ever suspects, it's just that they were throwing homophobic comments at me because of what happened. It wasn't based on anything though.

I'm starting to realise that it's not wise to poke the bear, as much as I want to:p

You don't know how to be discrete when drunk though, nobody does. Get the ideas out of your head for your own sake because if these people are as bad as you say they will think nothing of beating you or anyone else to a pulp to protect their own little straight world and you throwing drinks at them would be seen as a threat to their masculinity, these people are insecure in their sexuality but because of a rural shelterd upbringing they can never and will never admit to being themselves.

1ZRed · 04-06-2012 2:08pm

1ZRed wrote: »

I'd love to move to Dublin Pedant but I'm stuck in Galway for a few years at best
so I might as well make the most of it (including the odd statue!:o)

I have my suspicions about a few of them, including a 23 guy who is very hot.
Next time I'm out with them I might start throwing some drinks at him and see what happens;)

foggy_lad wrote: »

You don't know how to be discrete when drunk though, nobody does. Get the ideas out of your head for your own sake because if these people are as bad as you say they will think nothing of beating you or anyone else to a pulp to protect their own little straight world and you throwing drinks at them would be seen as a threat to their masculinity, these people are insecure in their sexuality but because of a rural shelterd upbringing they can never and will never admit to being themselves.

It's not the first time I've messed around with a straight guy but he wasn't as homophobic as these guys and I knew him better.
Yeah I think I'll back off because it's only going to end in disaster anyway.

Must have been thinking with the wrong head;)

foggy_lad · 04-06-2012 2:16pm

You obviously fancy him but that can only end in a bloody mess or worse for you as his main concern will be what other people are thinking about him and when he thinks of you being gay he will other people projecting that onto him!

I got some abuse last night out

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