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Should I break up?

  • 22-11-2010 3:19am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My girlfriend is insisting upon staying friends with her ex girlfriend despite the fact that I have told her it upsets me, and am not comfortable with it. I have tried to put it aside and get on with things. But it upsets me everytime I think about it.

    I am considering calling it a day on the relationship because of it. Has anyone been in this position? Advice?


Comments

  • #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    what exactly is wrong with her staying friends? I think that if you trust her enough it wouldn't matter

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I need some advice on if I should break up with my girlfriend. I was going to post this in the relationship issues part of the forum....but I'm a lesbian and felt like it might belong here so sorry if it's in the wrong place.

    We have been together for a little over six months and during that time we have had our share of arguments. I find that sometimes she can be manipulative and controlling. She tends to play games with me sometimes. I could get over these issues and deal with things if it wasn't for something, I felt more major that happened a few weeks back.

    She is insisting on remaining friends with her ex and I am not comfortable with that. I know that may make me seem jealous and controlling but the bottom line is, no matter how hard I try I cannot be ok with it. A few weeks back she invited the ex to join us for drinks after we bumped into her in a bar. I felt very upset and uncomfortable and instead of being comforting my girlfriend stayed out to party while I went home upset. I tried to talk to her later that night over the phone, I wanted to try explain my feelings as I felt completely not understood. But it just resulted in a huge fight where she was screaming at me and saying f*ck you I'll be fine without you, I dont need you etc etc etc. It wasn't something I felt like I wanted to break up over at the time so pushed it aside and got on with things. But I know that the ex has been texting her and chatting to her online and it's really pushing me over the edge with things.

    I don't know what to do. I do love her, she is my first love. I don't want to be left in pieces but I just don't know what to do. I want to talk to her about the ex issue again, but I feel like once I do I could be forced to just end things. So I need to know I'm doing the right thing.

    If you have read this far, then thank you and please could you offer me some advice. I know I'm jealous but I'm not a bad person, I just feel my girlfriend could have treated me better over all this.


  • #4
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Hey there,

    I get that you're jealous, and feeling a bit knocked in confidence. It gets to the best of us. But really, if you change over the situation and your gf asked her to ditch a friend, would you? In all honesty?

    Yes, they have a history, but that's what it is- HISTORY. She's with you now, I really think you need to put that one to rest.

    I do think you're a bit unreasonable. People get over their exes, their crushes etc. My ex is my absolute best friend in the world. If my girlfriend told me to chuck him, she'd be out on her ear. Just like I'd be gone if I asked her to stop seeing her best friend who she was (unrequitedly, granted) in love with for years.

    You say that she's your first love- is it maybe pissing you off that you have proof, every day, that you're not hers? That can be tough to take, but the truth is most people have exes. A lot of people stay friends, especially lesbians, for some weird reason.

    I'd be concerned that you say you've fought a lot in 6 months, and that you feel she's controlling and manipulative. Those are reasons to break up with somebody, not because you don't approve of their friends. No-one, in my opinion, has the right to chose their partners friends.

    Hope you work it out, whatever way you chose to proceed. :)


  • #5
    stephen_n
    Registered Users Posts: 12,920 ✭✭✭✭stephen_n


    I have destroyed relationships in the past by being unwilling to let go of an Ex who became my best friend. Truth was I never stopped loving her and although she was my friend and nothing else, her presence in my life stopped me being able to properly connect with anyone else and she became like the elephant in the corner of the next two relationships I had. That however was just my experience of it. You need to decide if you can handle it or not and stop trying to force your GF to make the choice for you. Your GF is doing nothing wrong by being friends with her ex but if you are unable to live with that then you need to take responsibility for yourself and walk away, choices always have consequences and not making a choice and sticking too it will inevitably bring pain.


  • #6
    Kanoe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,522 ✭✭✭Kanoe


    she sounds like a dick, I'd leave her to her friends and look for something better.


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  • #7
    DS333
    Closed Accounts Posts: 237 ✭✭DS333


    I think there are vital questions everyone in a relationship should seriously and honestly ask themselves, gay or straight:

    Does my partner make me feel good about myself, make me feel I'm worthwhile, make me count in this world? Do I fear I will lose this self-worth if he or she leaves me?

    So often a person with low self-esteem and a poor self-image uses the other person to bolster these deficiencies. The relationship can be, dare I say, almost parasitic, rather than symbiotic. Can't jealousy and fear and insecurity stem for this and cause terrible friction between two people? Can't the ex seem to be providing more support on this front than the more recent partner?

    NO person can raise our self-esteem. Only we can do that. NO person can give us enough love unless we love ourselves. I direct this, not at the OP, but at all of us. For very, very obvious reasons, low self-worth is common among us. It causes a huge amount of suffering and mood swings and insecurity. Unless we tackle it, we'll never be truly happy and contented.


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