Can't get girl out of my head

LegacyUser · 03-11-2018 2:15am #1

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation. For a couple years now I've had a big "crush" or whatever you want to call it on a girl in my class in college. I don't even know how to approach things but doing nothing is also driving me daft. Same as with most girls there's almost no chance she would be interested in me, I'm not going to put myself down in a personality way but since I'm very overweight it just automatically rules me out of having even a puncher's chance.

I'm 6ft and 23 stone, 23y/o, down from about 28 stone in June so at least that's going in the right direction although results are slowing down. I've just never tried when it came to women and have never been with one in any way at all since I've always been overweight, the few times friends would try and bring me "on the pull" went as you'd expect. Women aren't interested and I can't say I blame them.

When it comes to the girl in my class though I feel like she's the sort of girl I might click with in ways other than physical, odds are that's a one sided feeling, she's a good looking girl who's normal in every which way. I don't even know how to approach things, the only ways I've ever seen my friends get with girls was the usual drunk thing on a night out which sometimes turns more serious. This isn't an option since the girl in question doesn't drink and I've never saw her out in the 2 years we've been in college.

One of the main reasons I don't want to do anything about it is the fact we have a small class, only 12 of us and we're a fairly close group, I feel like if i said something to her and it goes the way I can only imagine she would be noticeably awkward and nobody wants that. As I'm typing all this out I can see I'm answering my own question in a lot of ways but it's still something I sort of want to get off my chest, I haven't told any of my friends either at home or in college, the main reason being I was in a similar way in secondary school in the last couple years before leaving cert with a girl who I could obviously never have a chance with but everyone and their dog knew I liked her which turned into a running joke although the girl herself that time never found out thank god but it's lead to me being even more apprehensive this time. Ideally I'd like to find some way to get her out of my head because although we're sort of friends now as any 2 really would be who's in the same class, I'm nearly 24 and don't know how to approach women which is mad too and the fear of rejection isn't something I even go through since I don't even take that chance....

StinkyMunkey · 03-11-2018 5:09pm

Set yourself a goal. Such as 6 months from now i want to have dropped a set amount of weight, pick a date. Once the date has arrived, ask your friend out for coffee, cinema, lunch etc etc

Use the thought of asking this girl out on that date as your motivation.

As your weight drops, your confidence will rise, it goes hand in hand.

Worst that happens, she says no. But your happier in yourself and more confident, that's a win win.

If your class then finds out you like this girl, own it. Someone comments on your liking her in a teasing way - look them in the eye and say "the things I wanna do to her". It's empowering, I'd have been shy back in the day. Simply admitting you like a girl to people will give you even more confidence.

milli milli · 03-11-2018 5:24pm

OP you are being extremely hard on yourself. You are basing your attractiveness solely on your weight. What about all the other great things about yourself? Your personality, your achievements, your height (major plus in the superficial dating world), your education, etc, etc. You seem like a thoughtful & considerate lad, which are fantastic traits for a relationship. You also sound mature, unlike the twats who thought it was funny that you fancied some girl - I can’t understand why it was a running joke, or I’m probably underestimating the unkindness of some people.
Anyway what I’m saying is people are package deals. We are not just solely our looks, or our personalities or whatever. We are all a lovely unique package of all sorts of wonderful things. And I’m not feeding you rubbish about ‘what’s inside is what counts’ - I know how much currency looks hold in today’s dating, especially in your age group.
It is really about you valuing yourself as you should and not assuming girls have no interest whatsoever and ‘you don’t blame them’. This attitude is what will repel women, not your extra weight.

There are plenty of overweight people out there who think they are the bomb. They’re on tv and in films, they’re in all walks of life. They know what they have to offer and know they’re desirable to the opposite sex. Yes some people won’t date overweight people, just like some won’t date skinny people, or bald people, or tall people, etc, etc. We all have different tastes and types we like.

But I get the impression that the extra weight is not what you want? Congratulations on losing 5 stone - that’s a fantastic achievement. If you want to be a smaller size though, do it for you and your health, don’t do it to get the girl.
The most important thing for you is to believe you are valuable and deserving of a relationship. You must see all the things you have to offer a potential girlfriend. It will be a work in progress to change your mindset, but it can be done.
So in the meantime, work on yourself and then when you are more confident, approach girls. I’d be a bit wary of approaching the girl in your class, purely because your class is small and it’s not always a great idea if things don’t work out.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2018 5:32pm

I'd agree with focusing on losing the weight as that will build your confidence. Also, do ask her out. Life really is too short. I asked out a guy I was mad about, granted he turned me down (was a real sweetheart about it actually) but my god it was so empowering! Even though he turned me down, I was still so happy I did.

However, if someone calls you on liking her don't say "the things I wanna do to her". That's not gonna sound too great if it gets back to her. It would sound more like you only want to get in her pants. Instead say something like "of course I like her, she's gorgeous and has a great personality, who wouldnt" etc etc.

Be brave and seize the day - you'll regret not asking more than having asked.

Purple Mountain · 04-11-2018 3:28am

I'm a decade older than you but I wish ten years ago I'd been surrounded by guys like you.
You sound like a keeper.
I get what you're saying about the weight. But for what it's worth. If you're in a class of 12, you've obviously spent a lot of close time with this young lady and vice versa.
If you both were in a night club and were going on initial looks attraction, perhaps she may have overlooked you or equally you her.
But after spending so much time together, she knows you pretty well now. After a while getting to know a guy trumps his looks and we see past the outward appearance and fall for the real person. Maybe she likes you past what you perceive as a negative exterior? Don't discount it.
But if you want to lose the weight for you, and you alone then go for it. It'll build your confidence no end as well as the health benefits.
This reminds me of a story from my past I'll share with you.
I was quite an attractive 16 year old. That's not me bragging by the way! I can say that now as a mum in her late 30s who looks nothing like her 16 year old self!
I became aware that a guy a year older than me liked me. He was not popular with the girls in an attractive sense but he had shed loads of both male and female friends because he was what we used say 'sound'.
Everyone liked him. For ages I was avoiding him. In my shallow eyes, he wasn't really good looking (it wasn't weight btw).
But his persistence piqued my curiosity. He was so self confident that he made no secret of liking me and kept up the persistence.
One night at the disco anyhow, I gave in and kissed him. I was still a bit dubious but I agreed to be his girlfriend.
I spent 9 months as his girlfriend in which time, I experienced my first falling in love with someone. It was innocent of course at 16. We didn't have sex but my point is that in 9 months, I went from keeping him at arms length so not to hurt him because I wasn't physically attracted to him to being his girlfriend who adored the ground he walked on.
The tables turned in 9 months because he broke up with me to go away to college and I remember that night so clearly, crying uncontrollably to sleep looking at our photo on my locker. It was the first time I got my heart broken truly.
I hope you can see the moral in my story.
Good luck x

leggo · 04-11-2018 7:38am

Congrats OP, losing 5 stone is a massive achievement. You should think positively of yourself. The person we are isn’t based on our weight, but how we act and what we do in the circumstances we’re dealt. You naturally carry a bit of weight but what did you do with that? Refuse to be defined by it and lost a lot! That’s admirable and you should respect yourself for it.

Unfortunately, you seem to have a different view of yourself and that’s really sad, because clearly the experience in secondary has got in your head and lodged a mental idea that you should be embarrassed and ashamed if you like a girl. I get it man, I really do. I had similar confidence issues when I was starting secondary (similarly due to weight) and I remember once while hanging out with (who I thought of as) mates at the time, I went to the shops and when I came back found out they’d convinced a girl I liked I had been hiding in the bushes watching her kiss another guy. It became canon among our group even though all involved knew it was lies and the mental thing was, even though I knew it was absolute crap, it got in my head that I was this creep and should be ashamed if I liked women, mental as it sounds! It took a few years to fully undo. But the reality is kids can just be ****ing cruel sometimes.

The reality is there’s nothing to be ashamed of in liking someone, it’s literally the most natural thing in the world. And you sound like a decent person in a world where a lot of dickheads exist, so it’s a good thing to be liked by you! I wouldn’t make a move just yet, though, and the only reason is because the world will see you as you see and treat yourself. You’re currently struggling with the perception that women won’t like you and that needs to change because it’ll come out in your behaviour too. You want it to be where you see the positives in being liked by you and feel confident approaching them with that in mind, it gets SO much easier then trust me! So if you can just logic it through and flick a switch by next week, then do that (and don’t put too much stock in the outcome either, the things you know about will still be true whether it’s a yes or no). If you have to lose more weight or get to a stage where you look in the mirror and think “**** yeah”, then do that too. But the mindset is where you want to be, not the material end goal, as others have pointed out.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2018 10:23pm

Thanks for all the kinds words and advice everyone

That thing about setting a goal makes sense, weight wise I had a minor goal which has been reached in a full wardrobe of clothes fitting now that didn't before, something else to work towards for a time or an amount lost makes sense in a reward way so thanks for that. Don't think that phrase in your last bit is in my vocabulary at all but I get what you mean about owning it.

I get what you all mean by my attitude of not thinking I can get with a girl, I suppose that's something that I could work on going forward. Most people work through that at 15/16 though which is probably an easier time

Reading all the advise here makes think eff it whats the worst that can happen yeah let's do it but still the thoughts of even saying anything now or in the future gives me those butterflies like I'm getting sick

I wouldn't say it was my experiences before that would make me as chicken as I can be, I've been given plenty of encouragement too from friends both male and female at times as well as the piss taking which was of a normal nature I can't remember exact examples but I probably gave as good as I got, I suppose I just naturally have a low self esteem and haven't worked enough on that outwardly anyway

NedNew2 · 06-11-2018 6:41pm

Don't soon to high with the weight loss, maybe half a kilo a week. It might take longer but it's healthier and easier to stick to.

Although you've already lost over 30kg, so well done. It'll be the making of you.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2018 1:32am

Hi OP
Hope you are well.
As a woman I have been with guys of all different sizes. Very tall, moderate height, very large, very skinny.
Their size literally had no weight on how I felt towards them.
I remember dating a guy that would have labelled himself overweight. He was quite hung up on it and it took away from us just having fun & getting to know eachother. He had a bit of a complex about it.
Just work on yourself. On your self esteem. There is a really good workbook by Melanie Fennel and Lee Brosnan called an introduction to improving your self esteem.
It is really good and really encourages you challenge your own beliefs.

With regards to the girl. Don’t try to think for her. Maybe she doesn’t see you how you see yourself. Maybe she doesn’t see your weight at all.
We are our own worst critic.

I have been very slim and quite overweight & from my perspective of being both ends of the scale I’d rather meet someone that likes me for me rather than someone that will judge me for how I look based on my weight.
I can justify my weight issues here but it’s nobodies business.
It genuinely doesn’t affect me in the dating world.
You just need to engage your head and realise that your weight doesn’t define who you are
(Sorry for the long winded post)
Good luck with the girl

completedit · 10-11-2018 1:30am

Dude, unfortunately, it's unlikely this girl likes you. I know from experience, your gut instinct just knows and if you have this intense need to be with her, it's highly likely your picking up on vibes from her that make it clear that she likes you but not overly so.

I've no idea what you look like so don't take this too much to heart but stats wise, it's very unlikely a girl at that age is gonna be drawn to a guy like that. She probably thinks you're gay or something.

Sunny Disposition · 10-11-2018 10:23am

You may as well ask her, is there really much lost if she says no? Obviously itâ€™s brilliant if itâ€™s s yes. If you feel you’re not ready for it yet maybe the idea of giving yourself a future date to do so after losing some more weight is a good idea.
Keep working on the weight anyway, if you lose the rest of it youâ€™ll feel and look better and it is good for confidence.
Fair play to you, you sound like a good guy!

Johnnyhpipe · 11-11-2018 9:36am

Don’t say “the things i want to do to her”.

Other than that, go for it man!

Can't get girl out of my head

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