All of the responsibilities of an adult but none of the fun!!

LegacyUser · 13-11-2018 8:17pm #1

Hi,

I feel I am struggling with the daily grind of life.
I want to preface this by saying I know there are people much busier and time poor than myself, but I wish to speak about how I feel about my life and situation.

Single (all my life, no literally all my life🙈😮) early 30s female.
I have always struggled socially with friends and romantically, during my college years and mid 20s things improved and I had a fantastic social life.

I struggled to make any real progress for years in my chosen career as the recession had a big impact on the sector I was working in. Thankfully my career has picked up, I switched careers and I am now earning a decent salary, even though it's not the type of work I enjoy, but it's security and money.

All my friends are now married with babies, I have no one to go out with.

I suppose it has just dawned on me, the daily drudge and responsibilities of work, life and household are getting to me, mainly because I don't have any of the normal perks other people have to offset the daily drudgery of life! No partner to come home to and share my day, no friends free to meet up etc

I have been sinegle forever and while I have always been incredibly independent (financially, happy to spend time in my own company, it is slowly beginning to dawn on me how life can be more difficult when single, on practical level I have no one to share the chores with, split bills with, etc. I always swore that I would never settle, but perhaps are the people who settle the smart ones after all?

At the moment my life I work 40 odd hours, have a daily commute of 1 hour (with increasing traffic even though it's rural Ireland, I come home wrecked from work, try to muster the energy to cook and do a few chores and some exercise to stay in some reasonable shape. I often find on my 2 days off that I am too exhausted to go anywhere or that the practual stuff has to be done-household, car, pay bills etc.

I have all of the obligations of anew adult but none of the perks!

zoobizoo · 13-11-2018 9:24pm

I joined a club of a hobby / sport I was interested in back in my 30s when my friends all hooked up and turned boring.

It made my life so much better - weekends away virtually every weekend.

When I lived in the UK I did a language course twice a week in the evenings after work and it was another great way to meet people. Ended up going on weekend breaks to the country to practice the language.

Emme · 14-11-2018 12:57am

You only have an hour's commute every day? If that includes getting to and from work you are very lucky indeed. You need to start counting your blessings.

tampopo · 14-11-2018 1:01am

Emme wrote: »

You only have an hour's commute every day? If that includes getting to and from work you are very lucky indeed. You need to start counting your blessings.

I have a 10 minute commute and I'm still wrecked. So I sympathise with the OP.
Good points made above, however

LegacyUser · 14-11-2018 2:09am

I could have written a lot of your post myself. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm terminally single, I live on my own away from my family, I'm lonely and I'm in a rut. I don't think it particularly matters whether your commute is 10 minutes or an hour. I've done commutes long and short and felt tired at the end of both. I think it's mental tiredness rather than the physical. Your biggest problem is what you're coming home to. That empty silent house and those long hours before bedtime are uninviting things to face into once you turn the key in that lock. It gets even worse this time of the year when you're going to work in the dark and coming home in same. Recently when I went to the bottle bank I shocked myself when I counted how much bottles and cans I had to get rid of. I need to put a stop to that because no good can come of it.

The advice I'm going to give you is advice I should be taking myself. Take up a new hobby that will get me out of the house and start meeting new people. Meetup.com and girlcrew get mentioned here too so they're starting points. I've a single friend who's good at joining things so I'm going to use her to get going. i'm dreading it but I know I'll turn into a fat blob with a pickled liver if I keep going the way I am. I was fussy with men too but I'm comfortable with not settling. That is what I believe my late mother did and in the long term it did not bring her happiness. Being married to somebody you don't really click with is a different form of loneliness.

I don't know what to advise you about when it comes to your career. Some people see their jobs as something to earn them enough money to enjoy themselves in their free time. Then other people love their jobs and that is what they get their fulfillment from. Maybe the least damaging step to take here is to try and make your life outside of work better. The other options are to change jobs or to do some retraining & upskilling. I hope things work out for you

Xterminator · 14-11-2018 9:37am

Hi OP

sounds like you are at a low ebb alright. There is nothing wrong with having a good sound job, financial security and being materially comfortable. You haven't wasted your life, and one persons priorities differs from another.

and i would point out how many people would swop places with you in a heartbeat. A roof over their head, not worrying about the next paycheck, or how to pay bills etc. And i have to tell you as someone who has done a 2hr each way commute for 18years - it is a grind, but not the worst one going!

Id recommend you practice a little mindfulness to find that peace of mind that will help you appreciate what you possess already and what you have to offer, and have the energy to seek what you now want. Have a peek at that book.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1946159158/ref=sspa_dk_detail_9?psc=1

But you are realising there is more to life, and there is. The key to this is knowing what you want and taking small practical steps to get to there. EG lack of friends and social life can be addressed. Join a gym or running club, local sports club, i know you said you don't have much energy, but getting fit will allow you to meet others while extra energy comes from the fitness side.

best of luck.

woodchuck · 14-11-2018 10:28am

Thisisnotfun wrote: »

At the moment my life I work 40 odd hours, have a daily commute of 1 hour (with increasing traffic even though it's rural Ireland, I come home wrecked from work, try to muster the energy to cook and do a few chores and some exercise to stay in some reasonable shape. I often find on my 2 days off that I am too exhausted to go anywhere or that the practual stuff has to be done-household, car, pay bills etc.

OP it's really about setting aside the time to do something fun. I know exactly what you mean about lacking energy in your spare time - I happily just flop on the couch when I have no set plans or chores to do! However if you commit to doing something, you'll be surprised that you do actually find the energy. Maybe start off small - set aside one night midweek to do something fun and stick to it. Have a plan set so that you don't back out at the last minute. This could be anything that takes your fancy, such as booking tickets to a movie, signing up for a dance class etc.

ChrissieH · 14-11-2018 11:32am

Hi OP,

I think there are absolutely loads of people feeling a lot of what you're feeling, and they're not necessarily in the exact same position as you, but for different reasons, I think an awful lot of people are feeling that life is pretty much made up of drudgery and it's so sad. The society we live in has just pressured us all so much. We're all under financial pressure so there are so many of us working in jobs that we don't like, just to earn enough money to exist; it's not even enough to have a great life (for me and all of my friends anyway). I think that lots of people feel like you when you said you have all the obligations and none of the perks! That's regardless of their relationship status but I get what you're saying - you're going through it all alone, which can be harder at times but also can be easier at times.

I envisaged a much better career for myself than what I got, I educated myself and did everything "right" but then the recession just blew us all out of the water and so I find myself 10 years down the line in the same job, on a very average wage, and just stuck in a position that is deeply unfulfilling to me as a person, but I have very limited options unless I do what you do, and commute, which is not something I am willing to face into TBH, I personally just don't want to give the best part of every day to work.

I'm not single, but I can empathise with you because I have a few friends who have been single for a long time and I can appreciate how hard it is to meet someone, especially as you get older and you become more discerning.
I think a lot of people settle TBH (it's the only answer I can come up with for why people have affairs or leave marriages for no 'apparent' reason) and I don't think people do themselves any favours by settling in their early 30s because you still have a lot of life ahead of you and if you want a partner, then it should be someone that you feel sufficiently passionate about to stick with them. Plus, hand on heart, I think you need to have a LOT of open-mindedness, love and passion for a partner that you meet in your 30s upwards because the chances are that they may have 'baggage' (I have a friend who absolutely hates that expression so I'm conscious that it might come across as an insult to some people, I don't mean it to!!) and that can be very challenging. Whether it's dealing with someone with children, an ex spouse, financial issues, etc.

Have you gone online dating? Is it the fact that you're single that bothers you the most - I'm just not 100% clear from your post if that's what the biggest issue is for you?
I am friends with 3 very happy couples who met online - I know it's not for everyone but from how you described your weekends & evenings, it could be a very effortless way to ease yourself into socialising and dating - just online chatting and flirting can give you a huge boost and motivation to start getting out there a bit more.

Wanderer19 · 14-11-2018 7:28pm

Having seen a few people I know in this situation I can only advise you dust yourself off and get out of the house - you said you exercise - is this in a gym or at home? There's plenty of walking groups around, walkers are usually social people. Have you looked at 'meetup.com' you may find hobbies on there that could be interesting. There's groups on facebook - Count her in and Zoes nights outs that cater for women meeting other women for coffee/lunch/night outs/weekends away. I'm not saying you'll make loads of 'friends' but you'll at least have a chance to get out and meet people if nothing else.

santana75 · 14-11-2018 9:28pm

Thisisnotfun wrote: »

I switched careers and I am now earning a decent salary, even though it's not the type of work I enjoy, but it's security and money.

I think this is the real crux of the matter Op. When you dont enjoy what you do for a living you'll try to compensate in other areas of your life. Usually this means looking for someone to fill a void. That wont work out though, it never does. Even if you met the best guy in the world, you'd still feel like something wasnt right. Kahlil Gabrin said "The lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul". Dont trade security for passion, take a chance and see if you can find what really makes you come alive. Experiment, get out and try things. Dont go looking for a boyfriend, go looking for a purpose in life and if you meet someone along the way, great, if not, you'll still be fine. Dont settle, definitely, but thats about your life, not about someone else.

14-11-2018 9:41pm

You're being hard on yourself OP. It sounds glib, but try to accentuate the positives. I'm also in early thirties and single, however count my blessings to be in gainful employment. Life is too short to be weighed down by the burden of expectation, many of my peers are married with children but that is their life. I can only live my own. You have options at your disposal, as others have alluded ingratiate yourself into a social setting like a running club or dance lessons. It did wonders for me, afforded a balance that was sorely lacking. Make enough time for yourself after hours, we all need to decompress out of necessity. Nobody is invincible, many a person has experienced what you are going through. There is a way out, and only you can stride confidently through that door. Best of luck.

wiggle16 · 15-11-2018 1:22am

eye_no_how_u_feel wrote: »

I was fussy with men too but I'm comfortable with not settling. That is what I believe my late mother did and in the long term it did not bring her happiness. Being married to somebody you don't really click with is a different form of loneliness.

I just wanted to second this in particular, and from experience. You can be extremely lonely in a relationship if it's not making you happy, and it's not fair to either person. Settling is just giving up while dragging someone else into it with you.

You can end up making a trap for yourself as well, because it's very hard to leave and hurt someone who genuinely loves you, especially when it's not their fault that you don't love them back the same way. It's a great way to end up with a whole other kind of loneliness and a different set of regrets. Trust me.

Don't settle for the sake of it. It's not the right thing to do for yourself and it's not fair on the other person.

qwerty13 · 15-11-2018 6:36am

santana75 wrote: »

I think this is the real crux of the matter Op. When you dont enjoy what you do for a living you'll try to compensate in other areas of your life. Usually this means looking for someone to fill a void. That wont work out though, it never does. Even if you met the best guy in the world, you'd still feel like something wasnt right. Kahlil Gabrin said "The lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul". Dont trade security for passion, take a chance and see if you can find what really makes you come alive. Experiment, get out and try things. Dont go looking for a boyfriend, go looking for a purpose in life and if you meet someone along the way, great, if not, you'll still be fine. Dont settle, definitely, but thats about your life, not about someone else.

Not criticising your post, but it’s very easy to say that money / security wont make you happy if you already have those things in place. Being stressed about ability to pay essential bills, and security of a home, are huge factors in happiness.

All of the responsibilities of an adult but none of the fun!!

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