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Bad friend or I am expecting too much?

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  • 05-11-2018 10:31pm
    #1
    1122ww
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭


    Hi,

    I have a friend who I am unsure about the past few years.

    Plans were always being cancelled last minute, like the hour before etc.

    I got fed up of this and I had a bit of a cooling off period, I didn't bother making plans.

    Lately I got back in touch with her, we did meet up twice, over the past few months when I try to arrange something for us to do she is always busy and in the last few weeks she just doesn't respond. Yet she follows my posts on social media and watches my insta stories, she will often text me about my insta stories and what I have been doing over the weekend. It's like she is very interested in what I am doing but yet never wants to actually meet up?!

    I feel I am always second choice in this friendship and always the one who has to make the effort to arrange a night out etc.

    Am I being too sensitive and expecting too much?


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    #2
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    You don't have to be friends with anyone and, if they're a constant source of negative energy in your life with few if any positives, it's perfectly okay to cut the chord. It can be sad but as you age the amount of true friends you have that last the course gets smaller and you tend to be saner for it.


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    #3
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It looks like she can't be arsed and that the friendship is fizzling out. If she genuinely wanted to meet up with you, it'd happen. We all know that life gets in the way and that sometimes plans need to changed. When it turns into a constant thing like what you've described, it sounds like she's not that eager to see you.

    It's very easy to make nice with someone on social media or by text because it takes so little effort. I'm sure she doesn't dislike you but she doesn't like you enough for you to be a proper friend. If that makes sense? At this stage, she's a friendly acquaintance rather than an actual friend.


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    #4
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 80,031 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    I wouldn't bother contacting her anymore and personally I would block her on social media, she sounds nosy and is just following your social media for gossip or something.


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    #5
    1122ww
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭1122ww


    Sephiroth_dude wrote: »
    I wouldn't bother contacting her anymore and personally I would block her on social media, she sounds nosy and is just following your social media for gossip or something.

    This is exactly what I was feeling, that she in reality can't be arsed to ever follow through on any arrangement we make, always cancels last minute but yet is all over anything I post on social media, I had a feeling that she is nosy and just wants to keep an eye on what I am doing

    But then many people say online here and in real life that's the way many people are, that there's very few genuine people around these days?
    Many of my friends are now married and have kids, so the pool of friends available to meet up with is now shrinking! Perhaps I can't afford to discard this friend, she is one of 2 single friends I have left🙈


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    #6
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Have you made any attempts to widen your social circle? I think you'd be better off putting your energies into that, rather than chasing someone who is telling you they aren't interested in being your friend.


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    #7
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 80,031 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    1122ww wrote: »
    Perhaps I can't afford to discard this friend, she is one of 2 single friends I have left��

    Ahh no don't be thinking like that, don't keep people like this person in your life just because you feel have no one, I'd rather have no friends than to have someone like this in my life who makes me miserable.


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    #8
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    OP, I have a friend like that. In her mind by her liking my social media posts she thinks she's making an effort. I have made a lot of effort in the past couple of years to meet up and like your friend she cancels at the last minute.
    I've given up using my energy on that friendship and consider her an acquaintance now.

    A friendship should have both sides equally making an effort. A "friend" like you described is a deal breaker for me.


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    #9
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,016 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    OP, you don't have to fall out with her, just make the same amount of effort that she does instead of expending your energy organising outings that you know will never happen. And as others have said, put your energies into making new friends instead.


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    #10
    1122ww
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭1122ww


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Have you made any attempts to widen your social circle? I think you'd be better off putting your energies into that, rather than chasing someone who is telling you they aren't interested in being your friend.

    Yes I joined girlcrew and I am involved in a lot of activities, it's just where I live there are not many young free single people my age around!


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    #11
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    But you have a single friend who flakes out on you and ignores your texts. Go figure.


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    #12
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,838 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    Social anxiety issues maybe?


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    #13
    1122ww
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭1122ww


    Wanderer78 wrote: »
    Social anxiety issues maybe?

    The friend? I doubt it, she is out socialising every weekend!


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    #14
    1122ww
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭1122ww


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    But you have a single friend who flakes out on you and ignores your texts. Go figure.

    I see what you mean


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    #15
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    Sephiroth_dude wrote: »
    I wouldn't bother contacting her anymore and personally I would block her on social media, she sounds nosy and is just following your social media for gossip or something.

    Precisely my thoughts as well. OP we had a 'friend' like this who, like yours. was always cancelling last minute. We never got to the bottom of why although we suspected it was more to do with her issues as opposed to not wanting to see us-for example she'd put on weight or was unhappy with some other aspect of her appearance, something she later admitted. However, she never once considered how this impacted on the others involved in that for instance, someone would have turned down other Saturday night plans because they had prior arrangements to meet her. Her whole attitude was so self-indulgent in the end we just ceased to invite her anywhere. Turned out she was an exceedingly nosy individual as well, who spent her time tracking us all on FB.! Even ppl she barely knew or had worked with briefly!


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    #16
    Bobtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,647 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    1122ww wrote: »
    Hi,

    I have a friend who I am unsure about the past few years.

    Plans were always being cancelled last minute, like the hour before etc.

    I got fed up of this and I had a bit of a cooling off period, I didn't bother making plans.

    Lately I got back in touch with her, we did meet up twice, over the past few months when I try to arrange something for us to do she is always busy and in the last few weeks she just doesn't respond. Yet she follows my posts on social media and watches my insta stories, she will often text me about my insta stories and what I have been doing over the weekend. It's like she is very interested in what I am doing but yet never wants to actually meet up?!

    I feel I am always second choice in this friendship and always the one who has to make the effort to arrange a night out etc.

    Am I being too sensitive and expecting too much?

    People change all the time. If she is not part of a social group then I'd be inclined to leave it. Let her take the initiative. If she asks you why you have backed off be honest. I would avoid being direct as I can't see anything to be gained. Let her figure it out


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    #17
    Bobtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,647 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    Let her ask you not the other way around


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