Lack of support

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 6:10pm #1

Hi,

Wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with this. We have a one year old baby and from day one, we've really done absolutely everything ourselves. Let me be clear, this wasn't because we shut everyone out / rejected help, we just literally we never offered any help from anyone.

On my side, neither my mother or father has looked after my child once in her whole life. Not even 10 minutes! Never. I'm not too surprised by this to be honest and had a good feeling it would be this way.

On my husband's side, the grandparents mind their grandchildren every single weekday - morning until evening & some weekends too. They're exhausted from it and complain to us about how much they do - while never doing anything for us. It's like we have become their therapists. They come to visit us and complain they're too tired to take our child out even for a walk so we could maybe have a hour alone together to have a coffee or something. My husband has actually brought it up with them several times and they understand how he feels but don't do anything to change it.

In all honestly, we just feel very very alone. We never ever get to go out alone. What can we do? I'm a bit nervous about getting a babysitter because she's still so young, but we also need a little bit of date time now and again. Any ideas?

Thanks.

Princess Calla · 10-11-2019 8:41pm

Could you arrange with your husbands siblings to have sleepovers once a month....you take their kids this month they take yours next month, that way you get out at least once every 2 months.... Obviously you can increase to suit yourselves?

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 8:47pm

Pretty much in the same boat. Halfway through your post, I was wondering if it was my wife writing it.

My wife's parents live abroad. We lived a few minutes away from them until a few months ago. We moved to Ireland. My parents live two doors down but my wife doesn't want to ask them for help because they constantly moan about taking care of my brother's kids.

My mother has been over to our house a few times but then leaves after 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, when we were abroad they wanted to Skype for ages. I went away on a work trip and brought the family with me. After the 3rd day they wanted to Skype to see the kids.

It's frustrating but I also kind of guessed this would happen. My sister did babysit once for a couple of hours and it was great. My wife and I got out of the house without the kids. If you have siblings or your husband does, could be worth asking them.

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 8:53pm

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

Plumbthedepths · 10-11-2019 8:58pm

Hire a babysitter or nanny OP, problem solved.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2019 9:05pm

i'm another one who could have written your post, die to various factors we too have zero support,

we had our first night out alone when our now 10 year old was 5 years old and that was to a wedding we had to attend.

honestly it's only been a year, it may feel like the longest year ever due to sleepless nights and baby months but it does get easier (when they start school especially because you get a few hours in the day and meet friends/other parents in similar situations)

what we did to survive, strict 7pm bedtime (bath to relax her, bedtime stories until she was asleep) on "date night" a night where we would dress up and sit down while she slept and eat just the two of us, and talk, or do something of interest to us, watch a movie together or play board games just the two of us, whatever your shared interests are. Just to reconnect.

if you can't get anyone to mind her find other solutions, get inventive, time together is the main thing a relationship needs it doesn't matter what the venue.

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:07pm

It's not your parents problem you aren't comfortable hiring a babysitter. I know that sounds harsh and as a parent myself I know how tough it can be not getting out but it's not your parents responsibility to mind grandchildren even if they do it for others. Young kids are exhausting and at this time in their lives they may not want to be up to their eyes in nappies and bottles.

I'd ask friends or siblings as suggested above. Have nights out with your own friends and have dates at home when baby is asleep. It won't be this hard forever.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:14pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

I can’t understand grandparents who don’t want to have the grandchildren over or take them for a walk
I am also so excited to have mine snd take them out in the pram . So I get the OP being disappointed to be honest .

Op . Have you voiced this to the grandparents and actually asked them to babysit . ? If they don’t offer then just ask them even if its just for 40 minutes now and then

Plumbthedepths · 10-11-2019 9:20pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I can’t understand grandparents who don’t want to have the grandchildren over or take them for a walk
I am also so excited to have mine snd take them out in the pram . So I get the OP being disappointed to be honest .

Op . Have you voiced this to the grandparents and actually asked them to babysit . ? If they don’t offer then just ask them even if its just for 40 minutes now and then

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren. It's not their responsibility and they should not be put in a position to feel obligated to mind them even for 40 minutes now and again.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:27pm

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren. It's not their responsibility and they should not be put in a position to feel obligated to mind them even for 40 minutes now and again.

They mind the OPs siblings kids so much that they cannot give 30 mins to the OP ?
I didn’t say they were obligated I said ask them . Maybe they just like to be asked and not offer .

They can always say No
Their loss though I cannot even imagine not wanting to mind mine they are just fabulous

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:32pm

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren.

Op didn't say anything about them raising the grandkids...

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 9:33pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I didn’t say they were obligated I said ask them . Maybe they just like to be asked and not offer . They can always say No
Their loss though I cannot even imagine not wanting to mind mine they are just fabulous

I was lucky too to have grandparents on both sides who loved to have my little one. It's a godsend, those breaks.
But equally, in reality, our children are our responsibility and ours alone so we have to respect our loved ones who have done their own bit before us that this might be their time to down tools.
Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:36pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I was lucky too to have grandparents on both sides who loved to have my little one. It's a godsend, those breaks.
But equally, in reality, our children are our responsibility and ours alone so we have to respect our loved ones who have done their own bit before us that this might be their time to down tools.
Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

Absolutely they are their responsibility but any grandparent I know are thrilled to mind them and take them out
I just can’t imagine missing out on that joy .

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:37pm

I'll add, my wife worked for Child Protective Services in the past and does not want to use a babysitter for our kids either. I wouldn't mind using a babysitter BUT her feelings are understandable so I don't fight it.

I'd go with asking siblings. If you have friends you trust, you could ask them too. My wife played babysitter for her friend a few times. Neither of them had family they could ask so she wanted to help out.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:41pm

OP , there are agencies who have professional nannies on their books . They are trained and vetted . My nephew used them at his wedding to look after three kids and they were wonderful . They were so clued in and very open to the patents wishes

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:43pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

Not all babies are the same. Also, not everyone has friends with kids the same age. Most people have parents and siblings....

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:46pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Absolutely they are their responsibility but any grandparent I know are thrilled to mind them and take them out
I just can’t imagine missing out on that joy .

Not all grandparents are physically able to care for a young baby. My mother in law is an amazing granny who loves all her grandchildren and she's regularly stepped in to mind the older ones but she just isn't able for a small child. Maybe it's a similar thing for the OP?

pwurple · 10-11-2019 9:52pm

You need to speak up too. People don't often push in and insist on taking other people's babies ,so if you are waiting for an offer, you may be waiting til the end of time. If you want some help, ask very specifically. Hi Mary, can you take the baby for a 20 minute walk Thursday at 6pm.

If that doesn't work, and you don't have a support network, hired help is the only alternative.

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 9:52pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:56pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

Have you actually said this to them? I'll be honest if one of my kids wanted me to babysit so they could go on a date I'd be thinking they mean a late night thing. Maybe they are thinking the same.

However even if you spell it out and they still say no that's their right, they don't owe you babysitter duties. I hope it works out for you but if not don't let it drive a wedge between you all.

jlm29 · 10-11-2019 9:57pm

Tbh, I think you need to just do your own thing and find a babysitter. It doesn’t have to be a 16 yr old, you’ll probably be able to find an adult with qualifications who would be glad of the extra cash.
Does your little girl go to a crèche by any chance? A friend of mine used work in a crèche and was asked to babysit a few times by a couple of families whose kids were in the crèche

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 9:57pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Not all grandparents are physically able to care for a young baby. My mother in law is an amazing granny who loves all her grandchildren and she's regularly stepped in to mind the older ones but she just isn't able for a small child. Maybe it's a similar thing for the OP?

No, both sets of grandparents are early 60s & fit so wouldn't have any problems with a small child. In any case, we'd have put her to bed so it would be just a case of watching tv with the baby monitor on.

I can't speak for my husband's family, but I know with my own it really just boils down to a lack of interest. To be honest, they treat the rest of my siblings the exact same so at least they are consistent. I think the lack of consistency on my husband's side is part of the problem. It comes to the point where I often just think they're losing out on getting to know her. We adore her but a bit of time on our own for dinner or cinema every so often wouldn't go amiss either.

bertsmom · 10-11-2019 9:58pm

I wouldn't have wanted to mind my sisters kids either when they were of an age that needed minding. They were my sisters responsibility and I figured she chose to have them she was aware they needed a lot of minding. Her kids her choice.
I love my niece and nephews but to be honest I don't find children fun to be around or enjoy being with children. Now they are young adults we are far more often in each other's company and get along brilliant with no one ever asking each other for favours.
My mum and dad adore their grandkids and love spending time with them. They spoil them rotten which is lovely but my mam always said she had her kids reared she wasn't looking for a babysitting job and I totally understand this I think if you have kids don't expect others to be offering to mind them.

Princess Calla · 10-11-2019 10:06pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

No, both sets of grandparents are early 60s & fit so wouldn't have any problems with a small child. In any case, we'd have put her to bed so it would be just a case of watching tv with the baby monitor on.

I can't speak for my husband's family, but I know with my own it really just boils down to a lack of interest. To be honest, they treat the rest of my siblings the exact same so at least they are consistent. I think the lack of consistency on my husband's side is part of the problem. It comes to the point where I often just think they're losing out on getting to know her. We adore her but a bit of time on our own for dinner or cinema every so often wouldn't go amiss either.

Is it your husbands brothers or sisters kids they mind? I ask this as my mam would be good for babysitting but when my sil parents were alive they were always asked. My mam always has taken a step back from my brother (even though he's the favourite) but she'll land in on top of the girls

your mil might be trying to respect boundaries.

That said I do think it's unfair that they mind their other grandchildren but not yours.

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:07pm

I think the trepidation about getting a babysitter is finding someone we'd feel comfortable leaving her with - is there any websites that any of you find good? What should I be looking for?

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:09pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Is it your husbands brothers or sisters kids they mind? I ask this as my mam would be good for babysitting but when my sil parents were alive they were always asked. My mam always has taken a step back from my brother (even though he's the favourite) but she'll land in on top of the girls your mil might be trying to respect boundaries.

That said I do think it's unfair that they mind their other grandchildren but not yours.

That's really true re. my MIL. I think she's a little worried about being too involved because she hated how involved her own MIL was (granted her MIL looked after her children full time when parents went back to work). I think the problem is more that we really would only like them to mind her for a couple of hours at night but they're so wrecked from minding the others, that they just don't really want to do it for us. And on top of that, we both know they're wrecked so feel very guilty if we ever ask.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 10:12pm

https://www.nanny.ie/babysitters/

These are in Rathfarnham , not sure where you are in the country . Ring them and ask if they are garda vetted and trained in first aid for a start maybe

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:15pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

https://www.nanny.ie/babysitters/

These are in Rathfarnham , not sure where you are in the country . Ring them and ask if they are garda vetted and trained in first aid for a start maybe

Thank you!

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 10:15pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

If you're leaving your child with someone for X amount of time then that adult is going to be the child's caregiver (feed her, change her, watch her) for X amount of time.
And absolutely I acknowledge I had people to call on but unfortunately if that help isn't offered or forthcoming, I'd have to make alternative plans because ultimately its the sacrifice we make the day they're born.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 10:19pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Thank you!

You are welcome . €12 an hour for a couple of hours is not too bad .

Sorry about that · 10-11-2019 10:26pm

Hi op, and congratulations on your baby! To be honest, loads of parents are in the same boat as you (myself included). I don't know when my husband and I got out together, but it was such a baby-focused time, it didn't seem like a massive problem.

I think you are feeling let down by some family members, and their lack of enthusiasm for your new baby. They are unlikely to change, but you can change your perception of your circumstances. You'll find a trustworthy person when you're ready to, but I think your disappointment in your family is impacting your own enjoyment of this special time.

Lack of support

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