Lack of support

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 6:10pm #1

Hi,

Wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with this. We have a one year old baby and from day one, we've really done absolutely everything ourselves. Let me be clear, this wasn't because we shut everyone out / rejected help, we just literally we never offered any help from anyone.

On my side, neither my mother or father has looked after my child once in her whole life. Not even 10 minutes! Never. I'm not too surprised by this to be honest and had a good feeling it would be this way.

On my husband's side, the grandparents mind their grandchildren every single weekday - morning until evening & some weekends too. They're exhausted from it and complain to us about how much they do - while never doing anything for us. It's like we have become their therapists. They come to visit us and complain they're too tired to take our child out even for a walk so we could maybe have a hour alone together to have a coffee or something. My husband has actually brought it up with them several times and they understand how he feels but don't do anything to change it.

In all honestly, we just feel very very alone. We never ever get to go out alone. What can we do? I'm a bit nervous about getting a babysitter because she's still so young, but we also need a little bit of date time now and again. Any ideas?

Thanks.

Princess Calla · 10-11-2019 8:41pm

Could you arrange with your husbands siblings to have sleepovers once a month....you take their kids this month they take yours next month, that way you get out at least once every 2 months.... Obviously you can increase to suit yourselves?

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 8:47pm

Pretty much in the same boat. Halfway through your post, I was wondering if it was my wife writing it.

My wife's parents live abroad. We lived a few minutes away from them until a few months ago. We moved to Ireland. My parents live two doors down but my wife doesn't want to ask them for help because they constantly moan about taking care of my brother's kids.

My mother has been over to our house a few times but then leaves after 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, when we were abroad they wanted to Skype for ages. I went away on a work trip and brought the family with me. After the 3rd day they wanted to Skype to see the kids.

It's frustrating but I also kind of guessed this would happen. My sister did babysit once for a couple of hours and it was great. My wife and I got out of the house without the kids. If you have siblings or your husband does, could be worth asking them.

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 8:53pm

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

Plumbthedepths · 10-11-2019 8:58pm

Hire a babysitter or nanny OP, problem solved.

LegacyUser · 10-11-2019 9:05pm

i'm another one who could have written your post, die to various factors we too have zero support,

we had our first night out alone when our now 10 year old was 5 years old and that was to a wedding we had to attend.

honestly it's only been a year, it may feel like the longest year ever due to sleepless nights and baby months but it does get easier (when they start school especially because you get a few hours in the day and meet friends/other parents in similar situations)

what we did to survive, strict 7pm bedtime (bath to relax her, bedtime stories until she was asleep) on "date night" a night where we would dress up and sit down while she slept and eat just the two of us, and talk, or do something of interest to us, watch a movie together or play board games just the two of us, whatever your shared interests are. Just to reconnect.

if you can't get anyone to mind her find other solutions, get inventive, time together is the main thing a relationship needs it doesn't matter what the venue.

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:07pm

It's not your parents problem you aren't comfortable hiring a babysitter. I know that sounds harsh and as a parent myself I know how tough it can be not getting out but it's not your parents responsibility to mind grandchildren even if they do it for others. Young kids are exhausting and at this time in their lives they may not want to be up to their eyes in nappies and bottles.

I'd ask friends or siblings as suggested above. Have nights out with your own friends and have dates at home when baby is asleep. It won't be this hard forever.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:14pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

I can’t understand grandparents who don’t want to have the grandchildren over or take them for a walk
I am also so excited to have mine snd take them out in the pram . So I get the OP being disappointed to be honest .

Op . Have you voiced this to the grandparents and actually asked them to babysit . ? If they don’t offer then just ask them even if its just for 40 minutes now and then

Plumbthedepths · 10-11-2019 9:20pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I can’t understand grandparents who don’t want to have the grandchildren over or take them for a walk
I am also so excited to have mine snd take them out in the pram . So I get the OP being disappointed to be honest .

Op . Have you voiced this to the grandparents and actually asked them to babysit . ? If they don’t offer then just ask them even if its just for 40 minutes now and then

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren. It's not their responsibility and they should not be put in a position to feel obligated to mind them even for 40 minutes now and again.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:27pm

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren. It's not their responsibility and they should not be put in a position to feel obligated to mind them even for 40 minutes now and again.

They mind the OPs siblings kids so much that they cannot give 30 mins to the OP ?
I didn’t say they were obligated I said ask them . Maybe they just like to be asked and not offer .

They can always say No
Their loss though I cannot even imagine not wanting to mind mine they are just fabulous

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:32pm

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

How is it hard to understand that grandparents may not want to mind or raise their grandchildren.

Op didn't say anything about them raising the grandkids...

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 9:33pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I didn’t say they were obligated I said ask them . Maybe they just like to be asked and not offer . They can always say No
Their loss though I cannot even imagine not wanting to mind mine they are just fabulous

I was lucky too to have grandparents on both sides who loved to have my little one. It's a godsend, those breaks.
But equally, in reality, our children are our responsibility and ours alone so we have to respect our loved ones who have done their own bit before us that this might be their time to down tools.
Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:36pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I was lucky too to have grandparents on both sides who loved to have my little one. It's a godsend, those breaks.
But equally, in reality, our children are our responsibility and ours alone so we have to respect our loved ones who have done their own bit before us that this might be their time to down tools.
Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

Absolutely they are their responsibility but any grandparent I know are thrilled to mind them and take them out
I just can’t imagine missing out on that joy .

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:37pm

I'll add, my wife worked for Child Protective Services in the past and does not want to use a babysitter for our kids either. I wouldn't mind using a babysitter BUT her feelings are understandable so I don't fight it.

I'd go with asking siblings. If you have friends you trust, you could ask them too. My wife played babysitter for her friend a few times. Neither of them had family they could ask so she wanted to help out.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 9:41pm

OP , there are agencies who have professional nannies on their books . They are trained and vetted . My nephew used them at his wedding to look after three kids and they were wonderful . They were so clued in and very open to the patents wishes

Wompa1 · 10-11-2019 9:43pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Staying in is the new going out so I would suggest OP and OH have a dinner party or drinks and nibbles with another couple while little one sleeps or have a take away and movie themselves while baby sleeps.

Not all babies are the same. Also, not everyone has friends with kids the same age. Most people have parents and siblings....

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:46pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Absolutely they are their responsibility but any grandparent I know are thrilled to mind them and take them out
I just can’t imagine missing out on that joy .

Not all grandparents are physically able to care for a young baby. My mother in law is an amazing granny who loves all her grandchildren and she's regularly stepped in to mind the older ones but she just isn't able for a small child. Maybe it's a similar thing for the OP?

pwurple · 10-11-2019 9:52pm

You need to speak up too. People don't often push in and insist on taking other people's babies ,so if you are waiting for an offer, you may be waiting til the end of time. If you want some help, ask very specifically. Hi Mary, can you take the baby for a 20 minute walk Thursday at 6pm.

If that doesn't work, and you don't have a support network, hired help is the only alternative.

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 9:52pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but she's your child?
There's no automatic duty or assumption that anyone other than you or your OH should be her caregivers.
I know that sounds harsh, but grandparents are entitled to down tools after their own brood are reared and not have the next generation to care for.
To answer your question about support, I agree with the previous poster.
Either ask your OHs siblings or friends to alternate a night a month. That's only fair in both sets of parents.

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

eviltwin · 10-11-2019 9:56pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

Have you actually said this to them? I'll be honest if one of my kids wanted me to babysit so they could go on a date I'd be thinking they mean a late night thing. Maybe they are thinking the same.

However even if you spell it out and they still say no that's their right, they don't owe you babysitter duties. I hope it works out for you but if not don't let it drive a wedge between you all.

jlm29 · 10-11-2019 9:57pm

Tbh, I think you need to just do your own thing and find a babysitter. It doesn’t have to be a 16 yr old, you’ll probably be able to find an adult with qualifications who would be glad of the extra cash.
Does your little girl go to a crèche by any chance? A friend of mine used work in a crèche and was asked to babysit a few times by a couple of families whose kids were in the crèche

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 9:57pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Not all grandparents are physically able to care for a young baby. My mother in law is an amazing granny who loves all her grandchildren and she's regularly stepped in to mind the older ones but she just isn't able for a small child. Maybe it's a similar thing for the OP?

No, both sets of grandparents are early 60s & fit so wouldn't have any problems with a small child. In any case, we'd have put her to bed so it would be just a case of watching tv with the baby monitor on.

I can't speak for my husband's family, but I know with my own it really just boils down to a lack of interest. To be honest, they treat the rest of my siblings the exact same so at least they are consistent. I think the lack of consistency on my husband's side is part of the problem. It comes to the point where I often just think they're losing out on getting to know her. We adore her but a bit of time on our own for dinner or cinema every so often wouldn't go amiss either.

bertsmom · 10-11-2019 9:58pm

I wouldn't have wanted to mind my sisters kids either when they were of an age that needed minding. They were my sisters responsibility and I figured she chose to have them she was aware they needed a lot of minding. Her kids her choice.
I love my niece and nephews but to be honest I don't find children fun to be around or enjoy being with children. Now they are young adults we are far more often in each other's company and get along brilliant with no one ever asking each other for favours.
My mum and dad adore their grandkids and love spending time with them. They spoil them rotten which is lovely but my mam always said she had her kids reared she wasn't looking for a babysitting job and I totally understand this I think if you have kids don't expect others to be offering to mind them.

Princess Calla · 10-11-2019 10:06pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

No, both sets of grandparents are early 60s & fit so wouldn't have any problems with a small child. In any case, we'd have put her to bed so it would be just a case of watching tv with the baby monitor on.

I can't speak for my husband's family, but I know with my own it really just boils down to a lack of interest. To be honest, they treat the rest of my siblings the exact same so at least they are consistent. I think the lack of consistency on my husband's side is part of the problem. It comes to the point where I often just think they're losing out on getting to know her. We adore her but a bit of time on our own for dinner or cinema every so often wouldn't go amiss either.

Is it your husbands brothers or sisters kids they mind? I ask this as my mam would be good for babysitting but when my sil parents were alive they were always asked. My mam always has taken a step back from my brother (even though he's the favourite) but she'll land in on top of the girls

your mil might be trying to respect boundaries.

That said I do think it's unfair that they mind their other grandchildren but not yours.

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:07pm

I think the trepidation about getting a babysitter is finding someone we'd feel comfortable leaving her with - is there any websites that any of you find good? What should I be looking for?

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:09pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Is it your husbands brothers or sisters kids they mind? I ask this as my mam would be good for babysitting but when my sil parents were alive they were always asked. My mam always has taken a step back from my brother (even though he's the favourite) but she'll land in on top of the girls your mil might be trying to respect boundaries.

That said I do think it's unfair that they mind their other grandchildren but not yours.

That's really true re. my MIL. I think she's a little worried about being too involved because she hated how involved her own MIL was (granted her MIL looked after her children full time when parents went back to work). I think the problem is more that we really would only like them to mind her for a couple of hours at night but they're so wrecked from minding the others, that they just don't really want to do it for us. And on top of that, we both know they're wrecked so feel very guilty if we ever ask.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 10:12pm

https://www.nanny.ie/babysitters/

These are in Rathfarnham , not sure where you are in the country . Ring them and ask if they are garda vetted and trained in first aid for a start maybe

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:15pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

https://www.nanny.ie/babysitters/

These are in Rathfarnham , not sure where you are in the country . Ring them and ask if they are garda vetted and trained in first aid for a start maybe

Thank you!

Purple Mountain · 10-11-2019 10:15pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

If you're leaving your child with someone for X amount of time then that adult is going to be the child's caregiver (feed her, change her, watch her) for X amount of time.
And absolutely I acknowledge I had people to call on but unfortunately if that help isn't offered or forthcoming, I'd have to make alternative plans because ultimately its the sacrifice we make the day they're born.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 10:19pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Thank you!

You are welcome . €12 an hour for a couple of hours is not too bad .

Sorry about that · 10-11-2019 10:26pm

Hi op, and congratulations on your baby! To be honest, loads of parents are in the same boat as you (myself included). I don't know when my husband and I got out together, but it was such a baby-focused time, it didn't seem like a massive problem.

I think you are feeling let down by some family members, and their lack of enthusiasm for your new baby. They are unlikely to change, but you can change your perception of your circumstances. You'll find a trustworthy person when you're ready to, but I think your disappointment in your family is impacting your own enjoyment of this special time.

naturalgems18 · 10-11-2019 10:42pm

Sorry about that wrote: »

Hi op, and congratulations on your baby! To be honest, loads of parents are in the same boat as you (myself included). I don't know when my husband and I got out together, but it was such a baby-focused time, it didn't seem like a massive problem.

I think you are feeling let down by some family members, and their lack of enthusiasm for your new baby. They are unlikely to change, but you can change your perception of your circumstances. You'll find a trustworthy person when you're ready to, but I think your disappointment in your family is impacting your own enjoyment of this special time.

I think that could actually be very true. It's been harder than we thought doing it alone together and I think this can be compounded when we see friends with children getting out fairly regularly as their parents help out a bit. There's only so many times you can say 'no, sorry we've no babysitter' - so I think that's where the change has to come. We'll have to just bite the bullet and find a babysitter we feel comfortable with. Part of me being put-off about this has been from reading mummy sites where a lot say they'd never ever leave their small child with a stranger & they'd only trust family. Oh the guilt

Plumbthedepths · 10-11-2019 11:02pm

Wompa1 wrote: »

Op didn't say anything about them raising the grandkids...

That reply was not to the OP.

iamwhoiam · 10-11-2019 11:10pm

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

That reply was not to the OP.

That reply was to me and I also never mentioned grandparents raising their grandchildren

Plumbthedepths · 11-11-2019 12:05am

iamwhoiam wrote: »

That reply was to me and I also never mentioned grandparents raising their grandchildren

Never said you did.

iamwhoiam · 11-11-2019 12:14am

I hope you can get some few hours from an agency or friends OP . They say it takes a village to raise a child so its very difficult with no support . Phone the agencies and ask their policies and how they vet their nannies . I know of two people who booked nannies from the Rathfarnham agency and both were extremely happy with the care and professional attitude

Chocolate fiend · 11-11-2019 4:00am

It can be hard, we are overseas with no family and I don't trust babysitters so we just adjusted to a new normal. If you are not comfortable with babysitters maybe that's what you need to do as well. Not having a babysitter is a legitimate and reasonable reason for parents of young children not to go out, and if friends don't understand that then they should.

You can still do the ubiquitous "date night" after she has gone to bed, you don't need to go out to spend time alone together.

The key really is to realise that this is reality, you can't change how others act and you need to make the current situation work for you. It's not forever.

s7ryf3925pivug · 11-11-2019 4:10am

Same boat. Our kid was a preemie and spent two weeks in NICU. No support even then.

Visited my mother with him a few weeks ago. She would not shut the **** up at nap time. Insisted on putting a rugby match on loudly which she proceeded to ignore completely. Noise at night as well. She was extremely irritated that his needs were being put before her desire to be the centre of attention. Had to drive around aimlessly to allow him to nap at all. Of course she whines that we don't visit with him all the same. Can't get on a train to visit us because she's not able for it but no problem to fly to england to go on cruises every few months.

drunkmonkey · 11-11-2019 4:51am

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

It can be hard, we are overseas with no family and I don't trust babysitters so we just adjusted to a new normal. If you are not comfortable with babysitters maybe that's what you need to do as well.

I don't get this, "I don't trust babysitters" it doesn't make any sense, maybe you mean you don't trust a 14yr old neighbor with no kids with a baby, you'd be correct most don't have a clue and can panic in a serious situation like when a child starts to choke.
If your worried about a babysitter get an older person with experience of children or visit the local creche as they may have qualified people that childmind, I know a good few of the girls in our one do, they also stay overnight so you can get away for more than a few hours a whole weekend if you need.

This idea of resenting your parents as they don't want to look after your children and not having faith that someone besides your or your parents are capable of minding a baby/child isn't good for anyone.

naturalgems18 · 11-11-2019 11:41am

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I hope you can get some few hours from an agency or friends OP . They say it takes a village to raise a child so its very difficult with no support . Phone the agencies and ask their policies and how they vet their nannies . I know of two people who booked nannies from the Rathfarnham agency and both were extremely happy with the care and professional attitude

Thanks so much, appreciate that!

Neyite · 11-11-2019 5:26pm

We had the same - well, one side of the family never has babysat. Not that I needed it - my view was that they had done their rearing of kids so the only time I have ever asked was in an emergency, and I was turned down without any explanation. Yet my sister gets loads of babysitting off them. I still kept up the visits but even then my son gets feck all interaction from the grandparents compared to his more favoured cousins.

There's not a lot you can do. After I got turned down I vowed I'd never ask again. And I never have. Instead I did swaps and sleepovers with the other side of the family who were happy to help, and who I reciprocate for so now we do get an occasional night away. I also networked with his classmates parents which I actually find quite difficult but now I have a bunch of other mothers I'm now friends with who could help out if I ever needed it. It gets easier as they get older when people are more likely to take a child over night for a sleepover rather than a toddler.

Now the first grandparents like to make digs about how my son isn't bothered with them and has showed signs of jealousy that he's closer to the other side of the family. Well duh. :rolleyes:

iamwhoiam · 11-11-2019 5:43pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Thanks so much, appreciate that!

Just for a little bit of company and time out google your local libraries for toddler times . I used to bring my grandchild to 3 libraries on different days for an hour of singing and playing . It gets you out to chat to other mums and the baby out to play and interact . Your community centre might also do a Toddlers morning
Its a great way to break the day and meet others

Chocolate fiend · 11-11-2019 9:43pm

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I don't get this, "I don't trust babysitters" it doesn't make any sense, maybe you mean you don't trust a 14yr old neighbor with no kids with a baby, you'd be correct most don't have a clue and can panic in a serious situation like when a child starts to choke.
If your worried about a babysitter get an older person with experience of children or visit the local creche as they may have qualified people that childmind, I know a good few of the girls in our one do, they also stay overnight so you can get away for more than a few hours a whole weekend if you need.

This idea of resenting your parents as they don't want to look after your children and not having faith that someone besides your or your parents are capable of minding a baby/child isn't good for anyone.

I appreciate that, and it isn't healthy but I have my reasons that I won't go into here but believe me I wish I didn't have them.

Mine are 11, 10 and 7 now and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We go out quite a bit to family places and often share a bottle of wine when they are in bed or go to the cinema or for lunch alone when they are all in school.

s7ryf3925pivug · 11-11-2019 10:08pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Just for a little bit of company and time out google your local libraries for toddler times . I used to bring my grandchild to 3 libraries on different days for an hour of singing and playing . It gets you out to chat to other mums and the baby out to play and interact . Your community centre might also do a Toddlers morning
Its a great way to break the day and meet others

Or start your own toddler group... My wife started two. You can apply for grants to cover insurance and other expenses.

AulWan · 12-11-2019 2:15pm

naturalgems18 wrote: »

On my husband's side, the grandparents mind their grandchildren every single weekday - morning until evening & some weekends too. They're exhausted from it and complain to us about how much they do - while never doing anything for us.

No further explanation beyond the above, in bold, is needed.

Their complaining of tiredness to you is their roundabout way of telling you that they don't want you to ask them to mind your child too, and add to their exhaustion.

And if you know they are exhausted already, why would you ask them?

It is what it is. Start looking for a good babysitter.

frillyleaf · 13-11-2019 1:42am

naturalgems18 wrote: »

Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

I agree with you op, poster was being quite unfair. I have very limited support and pretty much didn’t start getting out for even a few hours until little one turned two but little one would wake a lot etc.

You should ask them to come over to yours and head out to the cinema or go out for a meal together after the little baby is asleep. I would be similar to you that there I wouldn’t have hired someone to babysit at that age as one is still very young .

When my older child turned two or so I used to have to pay for babysitter even though I lived with my parents, it was very frustrating as I had to spend money which I didn’t have just to get out for a few hours every few weeks for my own sanity.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask family to come and sit I your house for a few hours while you head out if they live nearby. I usually settle toddler and then go out for a while. I may get some pizza or something in for family member to much on and they are quite happy. (I wouldn’t ask often though)

I know some people who’s parents take their kids so much, they just want to spend time with them and like helping every now and then. Some mind them a couple of days a week too which would be great. I don’t think they realise how lucky they are to have support like that! My gran minded us full time and loved it as we were good company for her.

It doesn’t sound fair that the parents have to mind the other kids as much as they do. Can they not use childcare a couple of days a week to give them a break?

lunamoon · 13-11-2019 3:28pm

My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.

naturalgems18 · 13-11-2019 8:47pm

lunamoon wrote: »

My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.

Yes, I agree with you. It is completely our decision to have children and I would never have decided to have one thinking that someone else would mind her. My parents are the same as yours. However, they don't have much interest in spending time with any of their grandchildren anyway. Sad but that's their choice, I know they're missing out.

However, in saying that, how would you feel if grandparents decided that they did want to mind children but they just devoted the entirety of their time to minding their other grandchildren but never yours? Again, they mind them full time. We were talking about an hour or two in the evening very irregularly.

naturalgems18 · 13-11-2019 8:48pm

AulWan wrote: »

No further explanation beyond the above, in bold, is needed.

Their complaining of tiredness to you is their roundabout way of telling you that they don't want you to ask them to mind your child too, and add to their exhaustion.

And if you know they are exhausted already, why would you ask them?

It is what it is. Start looking for a good babysitter.

Exactly, we wouldn't ask them, we'd feel too guilty to ask them.

Neyite · 14-11-2019 11:17am

lunamoon wrote: »

My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.

I'm the same as you in that I don't expect childcare from them but in an emergency would they help you out with a few hours minding if you needed it?

SusanC10 · 14-11-2019 11:46am

We have no family living near us at all where we live. Husband's family all live abroad and my Mum lives 4 hours drive from us. My older sister and the only one with kids lives abroad too.

I have always felt the lack of family support and still do if I am honest. Miss support as most if not all of my friends here where we live have good family support.

From the end of Maternity Leave with my eldest I started to really feel it. Although we had done a settling in week, our son got sick the day I went back to work. Creche would not take him. So my Mum drove for 4 hours and stayed for a week. It was a reality check.

I have been a SAHM for the last few years (made redundant) and if I am honest the lack of family support (plus a Husband doing a 3 hour round trip commute) has been a real stumbling block for me returning to work.

We got a babysitter when our youngest was 2. She worked in the baby room in the creche. We went out only 3/4 times a year but she babysat for several families. But it really adds to the expense of a night out as she charges per hour.

We did and still do "Date Nights" at home. Once a month. Take turns cooking, have a bottle of wine.

My Mum will mind the kids if we are down home or if she comes to stay with us. So we sometimes go out to dinner there or to the cinema. But realistically that is 3/4 times a year tops. My sister who lives in Dublin takes them overnight once a year usually around my Husband's birthday while we stay in a hotel and go to dinner.
Btw - I ask them for these favours usually well in advance.

OP - I would look at getting a babysitter. Someone recommended and not a teenager. Join a Parent/Baby Group. Even people with family can be stuck sometimes and you can return the favour.
Maybe try talking to some of the family members and talk about family support.

Lack of support

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