Boards.ie uses cookies. By continuing to browse this site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Click here to find out more x
Post Reply  
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
06-10-2014, 22:16   #46
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelDDD View Post
I heard about this one too and the title says it all really. It is definitely one for my hit list - Amazon are going to be busy
If you are interested I have all the books downloaded, I can email you them.
catrin11 is offline  
Advertisement
06-10-2014, 22:36   #47
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelDDD View Post
You are doing a fantastic job Catrin with all the additional issues to the BPD, well done you! I can't wait to get that book and also look up the DBT website. I don't know anything about DBT and was reluctant to buy a book as I didn't want to do anything with my daughter until the 'experts' (such as they are!) had a go with her first. I really don't know if she is getting much DBT at all so I think now is the time for me to read up on it and try to make a difference at home. I hope things pick up for your husband. I know what its like having everything plodding along normally and then the next day the mood is through the floor. It tends to come out of nowhere and its scary when you both feel so helpless.
As a sort of hobby I do research work so finding about things comes very naturally. My husband even says I can find the things which don't exist
I truly recommend DBT, even without training. I started using it while still reading the book and it changed so much. He gradually started opening to me and the way he sees the same thing is so totally different from mine view. Thanks to that I can try to be a step ahead of him, I can pretty well guess what he may be up to next, while at the same time he feels enough safe and comfortable with me that he can talk about his pain, problems, etc. It doesn't mean I do a therapy with him but I make the house less chaotic, with fewer triggers for him (and myself). We went through him throwing away my stuff from home, shaving off his head, calling the gardai and accusing me of physical violence towards him, suicidal moods, self-harm, unimaginable anger, fights on the streets, etc. You name it, I'm ready to bet we had it at some point. Now therapy is slowly working (even though his therapist doesn't know how long it may take), the home DBT technique has made my daily life more manageable. It's far from being good but compare to how it used to be I can feel the difference. I must say I was lucky to hit the nail very quickly and simply followed my intuition in research. Now I share it with others. It has been helping me and I hope it will help other in need.
catrin11 is offline  
(2) thanks from:
07-10-2014, 14:11   #48
RachelDDD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by catrin11 View Post
As a sort of hobby I do research work so finding about things comes very naturally. My husband even says I can find the things which don't exist
I truly recommend DBT, even without training. I started using it while still reading the book and it changed so much. He gradually started opening to me and the way he sees the same thing is so totally different from mine view. Thanks to that I can try to be a step ahead of him, I can pretty well guess what he may be up to next, while at the same time he feels enough safe and comfortable with me that he can talk about his pain, problems, etc. It doesn't mean I do a therapy with him but I make the house less chaotic, with fewer triggers for him (and myself). We went through him throwing away my stuff from home, shaving off his head, calling the gardai and accusing me of physical violence towards him, suicidal moods, self-harm, unimaginable anger, fights on the streets, etc. You name it, I'm ready to bet we had it at some point. Now therapy is slowly working (even though his therapist doesn't know how long it may take), the home DBT technique has made my daily life more manageable. It's far from being good but compare to how it used to be I can feel the difference. I must say I was lucky to hit the nail very quickly and simply followed my intuition in research. Now I share it with others. It has been helping me and I hope it will help other in need.

That sounds fantastic and God knows we need ever help we can get. I am definitely going to head into Easons on Saturday and try to buy a book on it. It sounds like you have had such an awful time but at least now you both have better coping skills thanks to your research. It makes me feel so lazy because I have done nothing because I didn't want to interfere. Definitely going to get on track with it now as it is the No. 1 treatment for BPD. I will be picking your brains lots for advice!
RachelDDD is offline  
07-10-2014, 14:13   #49
RachelDDD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by catrin11 View Post
If you are interested I have all the books downloaded, I can email you them.
Hi Catrin, I would love those books if its possible to email. There are all so damn expensive to buy which is what has been holding me back too. I have had to drop out of college as a (very!) mature student to focus on being a full time carer, so money is hard to come by.
RachelDDD is offline  
08-10-2014, 00:18   #50
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelDDD View Post
Hi Catrin, I would love those books if its possible to email. There are all so damn expensive to buy which is what has been holding me back too. I have had to drop out of college as a (very!) mature student to focus on being a full time carer, so money is hard to come by.
No problem. PM your email address :-)
catrin11 is offline  
Thanks from:
Advertisement
08-10-2014, 00:50   #51
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelDDD View Post
That sounds fantastic and God knows we need ever help we can get. I am definitely going to head into Easons on Saturday and try to buy a book on it. It sounds like you have had such an awful time but at least now you both have better coping skills thanks to your research. It makes me feel so lazy because I have done nothing because I didn't want to interfere. Definitely going to get on track with it now as it is the No. 1 treatment for BPD. I will be picking your brains lots for advice!
He is difficult case. I suspect he's got Narcissistic Personality Disorder with BPD. He says he is happy with his anger as that means passion for him. He knows he sees all in black-white, no grey but at the moment he thinks about anything that would be in between as boredom. He doesn't comprehend how negatively it affects everyone around him. He doesn't believe it could be changed ever ('I've tried everything yet and nothing worked ergo nothing will ever work for me. Maybe for the others but definitely not for me'). There is no way of starting the subject or suggest anything (according to him I know nothing as I am not trained so whatever I say doesn't matteer, even the therapist doesn't want to touch that part yet. I don't think he is ready anyway. And this is absolutely basic! I do see change but I wouldn't mind if progress was happening without ups and downs. At least I'm no longer dancing the BPD dance. I've done that earlier and the end might have been very tragic for me. Luckily I was put only on anti-depressants and advised to go for therapy. I'm off the medication now and promised myself never again. The therapy helps me to put myself together and in a way to distance from the whole situation. Otherwise I'd go mad. I started using some alternative ways to de-stress myself (music, visualisation, learn how to meditate, reiki). And first of all chats with my friend. I see now everything differently, DBT played important role in that realisation. It was that extra kick I needed. Rachel, my doctor forbid me doing any research, said it wasn't my responsibility. But I had to find out why my husband suddenly changed so much (I still can't believe it is the same person I married only 2 yrs ago!). Now although I am not professional I can say with 100% accuracy he has BPD....
catrin11 is offline  
Thanks from:
08-10-2014, 14:28   #52
RachelDDD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by catrin11 View Post
He is difficult case. I suspect he's got Narcissistic Personality Disorder with BPD. He says he is happy with his anger as that means passion for him. He knows he sees all in black-white, no grey but at the moment he thinks about anything that would be in between as boredom. He doesn't comprehend how negatively it affects everyone around him. He doesn't believe it could be changed ever ('I've tried everything yet and nothing worked ergo nothing will ever work for me. Maybe for the others but definitely not for me'). There is no way of starting the subject or suggest anything (according to him I know nothing as I am not trained so whatever I say doesn't matteer, even the therapist doesn't want to touch that part yet. I don't think he is ready anyway. And this is absolutely basic! I do see change but I wouldn't mind if progress was happening without ups and downs. At least I'm no longer dancing the BPD dance. I've done that earlier and the end might have been very tragic for me. Luckily I was put only on anti-depressants and advised to go for therapy. I'm off the medication now and promised myself never again. The therapy helps me to put myself together and in a way to distance from the whole situation. Otherwise I'd go mad. I started using some alternative ways to de-stress myself (music, visualisation, learn how to meditate, reiki). And first of all chats with my friend. I see now everything differently, DBT played important role in that realisation. It was that extra kick I needed. Rachel, my doctor forbid me doing any research, said it wasn't my responsibility. But I had to find out why my husband suddenly changed so much (I still can't believe it is the same person I married only 2 yrs ago!). Now although I am not professional I can say with 100% accuracy he has BPD....
My daughter is very like your husband in that she always knows everything already and we are all just a bunch of idiots. You just cannot reason with her and she is so closed down sometimes to hearing the truth. I am sure this is classic BPD and the narcissistic bit is when they assume they are the only people who have the answers (even when they don't). For us, the diagnosis was a huge relief because we didn't know why the hell her behaviours were so extreme. At least now we knew what we were dealing with (maybe!). I do honestly think she has other things going on in that head also, but they are so reluctant to diagnose anything with her age being under 18. I am amazed that your husband has only really become ill in recently and that he was a different guy when you married him. I wonder if maybe he was putting a brave face on things and hiding his problems from you. We had no clue anything was wrong with our daughter until she took a very serious overdose a week after her 13th birthday. We were devastated as she showed no signs of depression, was popular and had heaps of friends/boyfriends. She was top of her class in almost every subject and then this bombshell. I now know that puberty often kick-starts the symptoms and traits. One thing that I hate about BPD is that it is known to affect people who have come from abused homes or had an abusive past. This is definitely not the case for my daughter as we are a super close family. It really hurts though to read negative things about parents 'causing' BPD. My husband had a previous marriage and a much older daughter had similar 'problems' when she hit the same age, so in our case I feel it is most definitely genetic. This girl is in her 30's now and still on medication and has regular admissions to hospital.
RachelDDD is offline  
(2) thanks from:
09-10-2014, 10:34   #53
triona1
Registered User
 
triona1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 389
Same happened with my husband we are together 19 years and a car crash start ptsd and it went on the chronic bpd.Its only the last 5 years we have gone through all this.I did find out he had a pretty nasty childhood and some other bits before the crash and it escalated from there,It is genetic ive to keep an eye especially on my 3 sons,my gp does this for me as its so extreme.My husband will be on meds for life too.
Im still baffled by him shaving his hair off.he was thrilled with himself!

My gp also told me not to research it,he said to look after myself and the 4 kids and give the psych team a brisk kick up the A**e.I should also have a care team after this amount of time and respite.he said he should be taken into the unit every couple of weeks for respite,and home visit should be a must so they can see how he is at home.My gp knows more about him and everything than the stupid psych and team,sure at one stage his psych could not deal with him and the professor was brought in and that's when high risk in port Laois was mentioned.Thats 22hrs in bed sedated a day(so ive heard)and there is no easy way to get out.I was always worried that dundrum was the next place for him as im from that area and those walls freak me out still.

I found his "personal Journal" and read his last input and rang the unit asap as he was going to do something,they ate me and asked did he give permission to read it,i said i dont care about permission im his wife and he was acting unusual and i seen fit to read it,Well they said i ruined everything now that he will never trust me again,so i told him and he said ah jesus don't mind them they are nutters,it was also said to me by him many times not to question or give out about his care when he is in as they can be rude/nasty too him!!!
Honestly he is better and safer at home with me.

Last edited by triona1; 09-10-2014 at 10:48.
triona1 is offline  
(2) thanks from:
09-10-2014, 11:12   #54
RachelDDD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by triona1 View Post
Same happened with my husband we are together 19 years and a car crash start ptsd and it went on the chronic bpd.Its only the last 5 years we have gone through all this.I did find out he had a pretty nasty childhood and some other bits before the crash and it escalated from there,It is genetic ive to keep an eye especially on my 3 sons,my gp does this for me as its so extreme.My husband will be on meds for life too.
Im still baffled by him shaving his hair off.he was thrilled with himself!

My gp also told me not to research it,he said to look after myself and the 4 kids and give the psych team a brisk kick up the A**e.I should also have a care team after this amount of time and respite.he said he should be taken into the unit every couple of weeks for respite,and home visit should be a must so they can see how he is at home.My gp knows more about him and everything than the stupid psych and team,sure at one stage his psych could not deal with him and the professor was brought in and that's when high risk in port Laois was mentioned.Thats 22hrs in bed sedated a day(so ive heard)and there is no easy way to get out.I was always worried that dundrum was the next place for him as im from that area and those walls freak me out still.

I found his "personal Journal" and read his last input and rang the unit asap as he was going to do something,they ate me and asked did he give permission to read it,i said i dont care about permission im his wife and he was acting unusual and i seen fit to read it,Well they said i ruined everything now that he will never trust me again,so i told him and he said ah jesus don't mind them they are nutters,it was also said to me by him many times not to question or give out about his care when he is in as they can be rude/nasty too him!!!
Honestly he is better and safer at home with me.
I am so glad you have such a brilliant and supportive GP. He really understands the daily hell you have to contend with, plus trying to hold it all together for your kids sake. I would try to push for the respite as it would give you some breathing space for yourself, even if it was only one weekend a month. I agree with you about Dundrum, it gives me the willies driving by there too. We have huge guilt about putting our loved ones into any kind of psychiatric care, or at least I do. I feel like such a failure and as low as I can get walking away from the hospital. The first time my daughter OD'd and they were trying to resuscitate her for the second or third time, I was pacing the corridoor outside the room pulling out my hair and praying like crazy. I swore if she died that I would just walk out the front door of Temple Street and under a car. I really didn't know how I would cope and this had all come out of the blue. Now in hindsight of course I am so glad I wasn't so stupid, but it was my first reaction to this whole nightmare kicking off. I have another daughter and parents etc. to think about so would never go to those extremes. It is bad enough one of us killing ourselves without me jumping on the bandwagon!

I know if things got much worse down the road with my daughter, I would consider anywhere as long as it keeps her safe. It's an impossible task for us to undertake, especially for someone who is a partner of a BPD patient, you are the only other adult in the home to try to cope alone. At least I have a partner (who is usually as helpful as a chocolate teapot but oh well!), my parents live close by too and are great if I need to get some sleep they will sit with her and be vigilant.

I think you were dead right to read the journal, how dare they chastise you for doing it. It is your right to make sure he is in a good state of mind. I do the same with my daughter and have been in your shoes phoning doctors horrified at what I had read. She was going to stab some girl at school etc. and mad rants and raves about everything. I never knew she was hearing a voice in her head for the past 4 years until recently when I read it in one of her diaries. No-one ever thought it was important or that I had a right to know my daughter was hearing a nasty voice 24/7!!! I was incensed because it is a HUGE issue and helped me understand her condition much better. I would continue checking his journal but do it discretely, thats what I do now. If I see something bad I let her doc know and he will casually bring up the topic without saying I read her diary. I am glad no-one ever read my teenage diaries!
RachelDDD is offline  
Thanks from:
Advertisement
09-10-2014, 13:47   #55
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by triona1 View Post
Same happened with my husband we are together 19 years and a car crash start ptsd and it went on the chronic bpd.Its only the last 5 years we have gone through all this.I did find out he had a pretty nasty childhood and some other bits before the crash and it escalated from there,It is genetic ive to keep an eye especially on my 3 sons,my gp does this for me as its so extreme.My husband will be on meds for life too.
Im still baffled by him shaving his hair off.he was thrilled with himself!

My gp also told me not to research it,he said to look after myself and the 4 kids and give the psych team a brisk kick up the A**e.I should also have a care team after this amount of time and respite.he said he should be taken into the unit every couple of weeks for respite,and home visit should be a must so they can see how he is at home.My gp knows more about him and everything than the stupid psych and team,sure at one stage his psych could not deal with him and the professor was brought in and that's when high risk in port Laois was mentioned.Thats 22hrs in bed sedated a day(so ive heard)and there is no easy way to get out.I was always worried that dundrum was the next place for him as im from that area and those walls freak me out still.

I found his "personal Journal" and read his last input and rang the unit asap as he was going to do something,they ate me and asked did he give permission to read it,i said i dont care about permission im his wife and he was acting unusual and i seen fit to read it,Well they said i ruined everything now that he will never trust me again,so i told him and he said ah jesus don't mind them they are nutters,it was also said to me by him many times not to question or give out about his care when he is in as they can be rude/nasty too him!!!
Honestly he is better and safer at home with me.
In the beginning of the year we experienced horrible situation where also a few members of his family were involved. I can see now that it was the starting point and he according to my knowledge began to suffer from PTSD. He was put on anti-depressants for 3 months and then his now ex-gp simply refused to give him another prescription. It was more than dangerous for everyone, including my husband. By then he already started behaving totally different and sudden withdrawal only made things much worse.

As to the reason why people have BPD it's complicated. Genetics plays important part - they have differently working brain and its wiring, with the part called amygdala responsible for emotions always over-working and the frontal part of brain responsible for logic and reasoning under-working. Also the neural connections are not properly developed. That's why when it comes to anything involving emotions, especially the negative ones like shame or guilt, amygdala always win. Hence one can forget about any reasoning. It also takes much linger time for them to calm down. Another factor is the family environment the person grew up in - the mutual relations between the close family members, how emotionally they were connected, etc. And yes, it is true that many people who experienced any kind of abuse in childhood (physical, mental, sexual) or were neglected by parents/carers develop BPD. It is also worth checking if they were any people from the family (parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc) who had mental problems as it very often runs in the families with some history of mental illnesses. The person with BPD was simply unlucky to pick up the wrong set....

Triona, my gp said exactly the same - stop doing any research, leave it for the specialists, look after yourself, he must make his choice, etc. I did follow that advise partly. And I'm glad I didn't stop searching. I found out for example that if the therapy for the BPD patient is to work the involvement of family in it is absolutely crucial! Who spends with them more time - the family or the therapist? Who can pick up the slightest change in our loved one - us or the therapist? Who suffers and goes through hell because of dealing with BPD day by day? DBT is not only about helping the patient (though that's its primary goal) but also to help families and close friends of that patient. In USA there are special workshops specially designed for the families. I read that this year similar workshops were started in Cork. I took the risk and started following the guidelines of DBT at home and I can see the difference! I'm still learning, still making mistakes but I am doing my best. I acknowledge that sometimes because of lack of the knowledge and skills I was responsible for my husbands outbursts. Now I have pretty good image of what he goes through each day, what may be the trigger for another fight, etc. But because it is so different from my way of seeing and experiencing the same situation I would have never known that without learning DBT.

As to the psychiatric care. Well, we had 1 bad experience. My husband once rang the unit because he felt he was dangerous and couldn't be responsible for his actions. When he finally got through and started explaining everything the person on the other end told him to hurry up as he was busy! How can you say something like that to someone who is mentally unstable (dangerous for everybody) and literally is begging for help????
catrin11 is offline  
(3) thanks from:
09-10-2014, 21:31   #56
triona1
Registered User
 
triona1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 389
physical, mental, sexual abuse,didn't want to say,id die if he knew i posted here.
He over the last year or so is acting child like.and some of his meds make him sit on the chair dribbling.he has tantrums all the things 2-4 year olds do.I was at my gp's and crying as usual and he said Triona all you can do then is treat him like a child!It works.if i had a bold chair here and he was acting up and i sternly told him to sit on it he would.I have often shouted at him to just stop doing whatever it is doing because it pointless and asked why he is doing it and he would say because he wants too.So when i told my gp this he said treat him like a child so and tell him why you are treating him like this,he will actually shrug his shoulders in a huff,and it goes back to his childhood i think.he see's me as a mam.
When i told the unit that he is a danger to himself many a time they were convinced he had rang and told me he was going to do something.i get this weight on my back and my front lifts like off the floor,then i just know its harm/suicide mode.

Can i ask could we post number say 55 for catrin11.instead of quoting.Im sure you will all understand that the internet is nomansland and any of our loved ones could find our post just by typing bpd ireland.My husband would no it was me talking about him.
Its grand if it doesn't suit.

Just to add may make no difference,My husband was and i'm sure somewhere inside still is an extremely highly intelligent and very successful man until 5 years ago i never had to worry about anything,everything was no object.Now id give it all back and live in a box on o'connell bridge with him and the kids.
As my mam says he had/has a beautiful mind.just goes to show how scary the mind is.x

Im sitting here trying to think back over the last years of bpd,and i still don't know how he is here.I still wont give up.everytime he ends up in hospital and says f**k i'm still here i tell him ill stick by my marriage vows.Better or worse and sickness in health all the days of our lives.ive got in that car with him and said to him so many times ive not let you die yet and i wont now.while hitting him to keep him awake.Heartbroken to think he didnt care enough to live for ME!.Took a long time to get to grips with this.

Last edited by triona1; 09-10-2014 at 21:49.
triona1 is offline  
(2) thanks from:
09-10-2014, 22:34   #57
catrin11
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 30
I bow my head in front of you! Really!!! To say I am impressed would be understatement....

No problem about being a number ;-)

Can I ask you a question? I remember you saying your husband had DBT. What about you and your family? Did you receive any guidelines, set of tools of how to manage your domestic life? Did they give you some ideas how to deal on a daily basis? Or maybe it was only about your husband and nothing else?
catrin11 is offline  
(2) thanks from:
10-10-2014, 01:21   #58
triona1
Registered User
 
triona1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 389
Dr Doran was the only one that ever ever had my interest at heart.He went above and beyond for me.but he moved on to teens.i posted the link for him in a previous post.he was the only one that cared,I asked him can this be fixed,he asked was i a optimist i replied im a problem solver.as in i would never have a glass full of water or empty.He smiled.he truly looked after me and it was he who 6 months in told me to get to my gp as i was loosing weight and gaunt and the rest.He is a great man.A funny man that gave me hope.
I once joked with him.
Me)How many psych's does it take to change a light bulb?
He)No idea
Me)None it has to want to change its self.he lolled,truly great man and a joe soap no big head nothing but a great man.
After dr Doran nothing i get no help at all(apart from my gp).its not brushed away,his family know they are to blame i told them everything i heard as they would not go to sessions,oh they would pay for private ones no bother and if i asked they would pay for respite,but i want nothing from them,as i said ill mind him and if needs be like a child,as i posted they turn off their phones at 10pm and ive told them id never ring if he died after and unusual time of night id wait until the next day,he wont get any deader to them.when he is gone he is gone to them.DBT didnt work,i hate saying it but he is chronic and im just hoping that none of you end up in my situ.I know how bad it is but im not lowering anyone.i cant explain chronic enough.x


No after dr Doran.Nothing nada everything he promised was done,but i did get a call from child protection to try take my kids away!My gp was on it like a fly on s**t.And the schools.It was his new psych that could not deal with him i reckon got them involved.And i was not allowed tell my husband as he was in the unit and was not allowed to know about worries or the outside world!.

Last edited by triona1; 10-10-2014 at 21:53.
triona1 is offline  
10-10-2014, 01:58   #59
triona1
Registered User
 
triona1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 389
'

Last edited by triona1; 10-10-2014 at 21:52.
triona1 is offline  
10-10-2014, 12:59   #60
RachelDDD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 110
[QUOTE Im sitting here trying to think back over the last years of bpd,and i still don't know how he is here.I still wont give up.everytime he ends up in hospital and says f**k i'm still here i tell him ill stick by my marriage vows.Better or worse and sickness in health all the days of our lives.ive got in that car with him and said to him so many times ive not let you die yet and i wont now.while hitting him to keep him awake.Heartbroken to think he didnt care enough to live for ME!.Took a long time to get to grips with this.[/QUOTE]

I too am in awe of you and your devotion to your husband & kids. You are an incredible woman and I wish I had an ounce of your strength to cope with all this. I love that I have met such strong people on this forum because you all (Catrin, Triona etc.) inspire me so much to keep going and that there is some hope out there. If you guys can do it then so can I. I am more determined than ever to try to get a support group up and running.
RachelDDD is offline  
Thanks from:
Post Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Remove Text Formatting
Bold
Italic
Underline

Insert Image
Wrap [QUOTE] tags around selected text
 
Decrease Size
Increase Size
Please sign up or log in to join the discussion

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Share Tweet