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Not going to a parents funeral

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  • 28-10-2019 9:00pm
    #1
    thejuggler
    Registered Users Posts: 849 ✭✭✭


    Any thoughts or advice on this. I’ve always been extremely uncomfortable attending funerals. I’ve been fortunate enough not have lost an immediate family member yet but know that it’s something I’ll be facing in the not too distant future.
    From past experience I know that my anxiety about the situation is likely to generate an overwhelming response perhaps leading to me fainting during the removal or funeral.
    It means that I cannot contemplate being a coffin bearer or giving a eulogy. I don’t want to pass out while everyone is watching.
    I really don’t want this to happen in full view of friends and relatives. The immediate family are very much ‘on show’ during the funeral process and I certainly don’t want to create a scene or make a difficult day harder for my family.
    I’m planning to be honest and tell them I cannot face the funeral but will remember and honour my loved one in my own way.
    I totally accept that this sounds selfish and people may not understand but I think it’s the lesser of two evils.
    Has anyone else not attended a funeral for similar reasons and did you regret it afterwards?


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    #2
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    I think everyone should be allowed grieve in their own way, as long as it doesn’t hurt others.
    I wonder though if you might regret not going?
    Wait until you it happens before you decide anyways. You might be surprised by your own strength when the time comes.
    Try not to dwell on it until you have to.


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    #3
    monkeysnapper
    Registered Users Posts: 2,575 ✭✭✭monkeysnapper


    Have you siblings???

    In times of bereavement it's normal for people to be suffering with emotion , and nobody should question how you deal with that ....

    It's a parent ...your intitled to react in any way you wish .... I'd stop thinking about how other people see you and you try and think of yourself . You dont need to do anything but just turn up ....

    I've seen many funerals where people need people beside them to help them through the day ...


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    #4
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You don't have to participate in the funeral if you don't want to. You're not obliged to give a eulogy, do a reading or be a coffin bearer if you don't want to. As Addle said, try not to dwell on this now. You'll know what you can or cannot face when the time comes. Hopefully it won't be for a long time yet.


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    #5
    NSAman
    Registered Users Posts: 3,392 ✭✭✭NSAman


    I was away when my father took ill. I literally arrived home and was the last person he opened his eyes for and then passed away. The hardest part of the whole funeral process for me was his death.

    Forget the "onshow" part, it makes no difference. Yes, people are looking at you. Once my father had passed I was devastated as my whole family were (and to be honest still are all these years later). If you love that mother/father the hardest part is the passing. The funeral (and I know this may sound strange) was great fun... sad..but great fun. It felt surreal. Everyone arrived with food, the house was full to the rafters for the days of the wake. I was on autopilot I know. I even forgot to eat for three days.

    The hardest part was the eulogy which we gave, trying to get through that was one of the hardest things in my life, trying to look composed but inside I was literally falling apart. As it happens, taking dad out of church was where I let go. I don't care what anyone else thought. Sadness and being upset and crying is a natural part of any funeral. especially of an immediate relative.

    I cannot tell you what to do. My only advice is.. it MAY be something you will regret later. Death is a part of life, for all of us. Would I have missed that funeral... absolutely not. I flew 24 hours to get home and while much of it is still a blur, much of the warmth and genuine affection people had for my dad will always remain with me.

    On a side note, you don't always remember the people who were at the funeral, you DO remember the people who were not. Hence I understand now why people shake the families hands.... a silly thing I know.


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    #6
    caff
    Registered Users Posts: 954 ✭✭✭caff


    Fine to go and not participate in any ceremonies. I've fainted during funerals, luckily was standing at the back so not much fuss. I was told after three people brought me outside and sat me down. A faint only lasts a few minutes.
    People die all the time and you will loose more people close to you as you get older. Better to become accustomed to funerals than avoid them forever even if you do faint.


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    #7
    drunkmonkey
    Registered Users Posts: 28,119 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    Do not give one second worrying about this until it happens, go with the flow when it does. As people have said everyone handles it differently nobody is going to think any worse of you.
    Expect to faint a lot if your that kind of person and not just at the funeral. Until then forget about it and spend some quality time with everyone close not just who you think might be next.


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    #8
    dobman88
    Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭dobman88


    Just had my father in laws funeral last Tuesday and his son didnt go. Hes basically housebound with a crippling fear of the outside world so it was understandable but there was a lot of questions asked as to why he wasnt there. In his defence, he tried to go and made it as far as getting into a car but couldn't make it out of the estate and we had to bring him home.

    He is absolutely devastated he couldn't go and it's only adding to his grief. My advice would be to forget about it for now but do at least try and make an attempt to go. If you have to go home after trying, so be it and you definitely wont regret it then.


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    #9
    s7ryf3925pivug
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,007 ✭✭✭s7ryf3925pivug


    I arranged my father's funeral. He didn't give a fnck about it on account of being dead (as he said in his own words when he was alive). Lots of people came who had disappeared during the course of his drawn out and horrific illness. He would have preferred they visited him when he was alive. I gave an ad hoc polite eulogy - though I don't give a sh!t about public speaking and have done loads of it. The funeral absolutely was not part of my grieving process. It was a minor ordeal I had to get out of the way.

    I know that some people judged me for not displaying sadness or grief at it. I don't care, it just seemed like theatre and I judge them for abandoning him while he was alive.

    You sound like someone who might be bothered by people thinking badly of you though. I have no idea how your family or friends would react, or if they would care about their own funerals. But it is common enough for people to be judged for this stuff. It really is down to you though, nobody can say how you will feel one way or another or how others would react.


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    #10
    banie01
    Registered Users Posts: 16,524 ✭✭✭✭banie01


    Op, don't plan on what you will or indeed won't do.
    Death, even when expected is not something one can plan to deal with in so far as it never in my experience or any of those people I know plays out as expected.
    Emotion can and will blindside even the most prepared of us.

    Focus on your parent, be with them, make memories and do your best to enjoy the time they still have rather than worry about what you might do after they pass.

    How you grieve, and indeed what part you pay in the funeral when the time comes matters not a whit whilst your parent lives.

    Don't pay too much heed to the thoughts or what indeed you feel may be the thoughts of others.
    Winnie the Pooh said it best, in that "those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind".

    Try and enjoy the time left to you and your parent.


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    #11
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    drunkmonkey wrote: »
    Not a fan of Hail Mary's then I gather....

    ?


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    #12
    PowerToWait
    Registered Users Posts: 1,775 ✭✭✭PowerToWait


    I have a gravely ill parent, so similar thoughts and concerns are in my head. Nobody ever wants to do these things. But, and I say this from experience, I think you should really try to be there. I think it could be something you might forever regret if not.


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    #13
    drunkmonkey
    Registered Users Posts: 28,119 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    splinter65 wrote: »
    ?

    I f'n hate funerals and all the praying that goes with it. I was at I think a morman funeral last year it was pissing down and a chap standing over the grave blasting out Ziggy Stardust - Spaceman. That's the way to go up to the spirit in the sky.


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    #14
    greasepalm
    Registered Users Posts: 5,261 ✭✭✭greasepalm


    I was the same and went to both parents funerals but could not participate but glad i went.


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    #15
    Captain Slow IRL
    Registered Users Posts: 3,651 ✭✭✭Captain Slow IRL


    My dad passed away a number of years back it was agreed between myself, my siblings and mum that there would be no eulogy. My dad wouldn't have wanted it, it wasn't his style. I'm just trying to say that you don't have to do it - you can ask the priest to say a few words.

    I hate funerals and flat-out refuse to attend one unless I knew the person very well so I can empathize with you on that aspect. I do think that if you were to miss it you may regret it someday. Also, having family around does help a lot - being alone makes it harder.


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    #16
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    OP please try to distract yourself when you start to dwell on things like this.
    Unless someone in your immediate circle is gravelly ill, it’s not something you should be stressed about.
    I have been at funerals where an immediate family of the deceased was not able to attend under “doctors orders” due to excessive grief. I have been at funerals where loved ones have been catatonic with grief shock and stress, dumbstruck and frozen unable to accept condolences and having to be almost physically carried to the various stages. I have remarked that i thought it was cruel to force them to participate.
    I have witnessed people in a zombie like state through over enthusiastic use of tranquillisers, sometimes behaving inappropriately and appearing intoxicated or high as a result.
    When you inevitably find yourself faced with this situation just go with how you feel. Your GP will be happy to advise you and don’t forget you can leave at any stage and I can assure you your disappearance can be explained away to the nosey Parker’s.
    I’d like to add that there is no obligation on anyone to participate in any way, reading, helping to carry the coffin etc.


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    #17
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,917 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    Most churches have a webcam high up near the ceiling. The funeral can be viewed on the church website if you decide not to go.


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    #18
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Captain Slow IRL wrote: »
    My dad passed away a number of years back it was agreed between myself, my siblings and mum that there would be no eulogy. My dad wouldn't have wanted it, it wasn't his style. I'm just trying to say that you don't have to do it - you can ask the priest to say a few words.

    I hate funerals and flat-out refuse to attend one unless I knew the person very well so I can empathize with you on that aspect. I do think that if you were to miss it you may regret it someday. Also, having family around does help a lot - being alone makes it harder.

    Myself and my mother have both asked our families to respect our wishes and have no eulogies, no “gifts” representing our lives brought up at the Offertory, no extra poems or readings at the end of mass and the mass readings and responsorial psalm are to be the readings for that day unless they’re totally unsuitable. (We are practising catholics) No flowers either especially no individual roses thrown on the coffin in the graveyard. Money wasted on flowers should be donated to the hospice.


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    #19
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    thejuggler wrote: »
    Any thoughts or advice on this. I’ve always been extremely uncomfortable attending funerals. I’ve been fortunate enough not have lost an immediate family member yet but know that it’s something I’ll be facing in the not too distant future.
    From past experience I know that my anxiety about the situation is likely to generate an overwhelming response perhaps leading to me fainting during the removal or funeral.
    It means that I cannot contemplate being a coffin bearer or giving a eulogy. I don’t want to pass out while everyone is watching.
    I really don’t want this to happen in full view of friends and relatives. The immediate family are very much ‘on show’ during the funeral process and I certainly don’t want to create a scene or make a difficult day harder for my family.
    I’m planning to be honest and tell them I cannot face the funeral but will remember and honour my loved one in my own way.
    I totally accept that this sounds selfish and people may not understand but I think it’s the lesser of two evils.
    Has anyone else not attended a funeral for similar reasons and did you regret it afterwards?

    You don’t have to take an active part in proceedings. I rarely attend funerals and have warned my kids that I don’t want an Irish one. I’m not into religion and the repetitive prayers do my head in. Go. Honor your parents by receiving condolences. Let others do the readings, eulogy and carry the coffin.


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    #20
    Stopped Clock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭Stopped Clock


    I've been through this already and it's not as bad as you think it'll be. I found the lead-up to my mother's death and the months after her burial to be far worse than the funeral itself. That turned into a bit of a blur if I'm honest. Once someone dies, the wheels of an Irish funeral are set in motion. The undertaker and the local priest were really great (I'm not religious btw) and so were our family and friends. None of us did much for the funeral itself apart from write up the eulogy for the priest to deliver. Other family members did the readings and carried the coffin. I didn't feel I was "on show" at all either. I felt supported by the people who had taken the trouble to come pay their respects and that has stayed with me.


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    #21
    Kobayashi2020
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Kobayashi2020


    greasepalm wrote: »
    I was the same and went to both parents funerals but could not participate but glad i went.

    I would agree with this. Had a family member not attend one and I would say that he regretted it a lot. He didn't want to partake but he just turned up and didn't want to it wouldn't be an issue as thats ok. Not turning when you really should can offend. He is after falling out with everyone as a result.


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    #22
    SirChenjin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,111 ✭✭✭SirChenjin


    Stopped Clock wrote: »
    I've been through this already and it's not as bad as you think it'll be. I found the lead-up to my mother's death and the months after her burial to be far worse than the funeral itself. That turned into a bit of a blur if I'm honest. Once someone dies, the wheels of an Irish funeral are set in motion. The undertaker and the local priest were really great (I'm not religious btw) and so were our family and friends. None of us did much for the funeral itself apart from write up the eulogy for the priest to deliver. Other family members did the readings and carried the coffin. I didn't feel I was "on show" at all either. I felt supported by the people who had taken the trouble to come pay their respects and that has stayed with me.

    100% agree with this.

    Nobody likes funerals OP.
    If you find that this is on your mind a lot, it might be worth talking it out with someone. Hopefully it is not something you have to face just yet but when the time comes, you will do what feels right for you. There is no obligation on anyone to carry a coffin, deliver a eulogy or anything else. Usually what happens is these things are discussed within the family and if someone wants to do something, they do it. And if they don't, they don't, and that's absolutely fine too. There's no right or wrong way to do this.

    Others will be there to support you. Nothing more, nothing less.


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    #23
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Turn up but don't play an active part. If you have a close friend ask them to keep an eye on you.
    Visit your gp and maybe they can prescribe something for the anxiety


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    #24
    farmchoice
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭farmchoice


    antix80 wrote: »
    Turn up but don't play an active part. If you have a close friend ask them to keep an eye on you.
    Visit your gp and maybe they can prescribe something for the anxiety
    i think you should go, its something you will probably regret if you dont. play no active part whatsoever. explain to your family that you are not able for it and simply sit in the seat, dont stand up, dont kneel down, if you want dont walk out after the coffin, have someone who will go with you out a side door afterwards to bring you to a car ( a cousin, friend, neighbor, ask an older person they will know the score only too well).
    the advise about going to your doctor is good advise.


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    #25
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    Sleeper12 wrote: »
    Most churches have a webcam high up near the ceiling. The funeral can be viewed on the church website if you decide not to go.

    This is true. A friend of mine lost his sister in the UK recently and couldn't travel due to his own wife's ill health and he was devastated that he couldn't go.

    But, he was able to watch the whole church part of the funeral online - which went some way towards making him feel like he was there on the day.

    Maybe this is something you might feel more able to do.


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    #26
    thejuggler
    Registered Users Posts: 849 ✭✭✭thejuggler


    Thanks to all for your thoughtful and kind advice.
    Hopefully I won't have to deal with the situation for some time but with aging parents it's something that is at the back of my mind.


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    #27
    Gael23
    Registered Users Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    When the time comes you will be on autopilot and won’t feel the emotions you expect you would. I agree not to dwell on it and see how you feel when it is something you have to face. That said you choosing not to attend would have a high possibility of damaging family relationships to your detriment.


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