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Are working with or against you spouse/OH

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Comments

  • #102
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    R.F. wrote: »



    Was this bit lost on everyone with this guy? :confused:

    No, he's fairly upfront about it.

    He lives with two girlfriends, I think at this stage both of the girls have a child with him too.


  • #103
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Caroline Jealous Tart wrote: »
    You cannot take individual cases

    But I am not - you are. There are links to interesting studies on the thread. You are the only one relying _solely_ on lines likes "I know people".
    Caroline Jealous Tart wrote: »
    if you were to place a child in care with a family, a traditional married mother and father is still considered the gold standard which is backed up by the data.

    Not true at all. In fact homosexual couples have been a great result for adoption of "problem kids" such as kids who are older than most people like to adopt them at - kids of races outside the local majority - or kids with troubled back grounds.

    As for "gold standard" which data backs that up here? Cite some please. It might have been the _traditional_ standard for a very long time when other family types were not even legal - but an appeal to tradition is not an appeal to a gold standard.


  • #104
    v638sg7k1a92bx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,913 ✭✭✭v638sg7k1a92bx


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    But I am not - you are. There are links to interesting studies on the thread. You are the only one relying _solely_ on lines likes "I know people".



    Not true at all. In fact homosexual couples have been a great result for adoption of "problem kids" such as kids who are older than most people like to adopt them at - kids of races outside the local majority - or kids with troubled back grounds.

    Homosexual couples have been a great result for problem kids? That’s is about as big a generalisation you can get and yet in the same breath you ask me to “cite evidence” “peer reviewed”
    Aren’t you embarrassed?


  • #105
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    Caroline Jealous Tart wrote: »
    Homosexual couples have been a great result for problem kids? That’s is about as big a generalisation you can get and yet in the same breath you ask me to “cite evidence” “peer reviewed”
    Aren’t you embarrassed?

    Mod

    Everyone - we have all had enough of this merry-go-round

    Caroline Jealous Tart - Nobody is asking for "peer reviewed", just any news article or something will do.

    You have a couple of options available.

    a) Either back up your claims with something
    b) drop the constant "I have proof" comments
    or
    c) stop posting by your own choice
    d) the choice will be made for you.


    Everyone else - choices c & d are available for dragging the topic back to this.


  • #106
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 24,714 ✭ [Deleted User]


    R.F. wrote: »
    Each to their own but I cannot imagine sending my wife a split bill request.

    We have always been joint account and everything I own is hers and vice versa

    It's just the norm for us, we would both be splitting bills are sending money back and forth using revolut on a daily basis. I can't remember the figures but my revreview for 2019 we had a huge number of transfers back and forth to each other.

    We just wouldn't see it as fair doing it any other way as you would be using the other persons money. In fact we don't necessarily always split the bills either we would also split out certain things from a shopping bill (for example) that the other wouldn't use and fully reimburse the other person of these and that sort of thing. Like say she doesn't drink beer and I'd always have beer so I'd fully cover the cost of that rather then it being part of the split bill, like wise a bottle of red wine she would fully cover, I buy lunch everyday she brings lunch so she would cover her lunch ingredients fully and reimburse me etc etc.


  • #107
    R.F.
    Registered Users Posts: 576 ✭✭✭R.F.


    Marissa Disgusting Seller wrote: »
    It's just the norm for us, we would both be splitting bills are sending money back and forth using revolut on a daily basis. I can't remember the figures but my revreview for 2019 we had a huge number of transfers back and forth to each other.

    We just wouldn't see it as fair doing it any other way as you would be using the other persons money. In fact we don't necessarily always split the bills either we would also split out certain things from a shopping bill (for example) that the other wouldn't use and fully reimburse the other person of these and that sort of thing. Like say she doesn't drink beer and I'd always have beer so I'd fully cover the cost of that rather then it being part of the split bill, like wise a bottle of red wine she would fully cover, I buy lunch everyday she brings lunch so she would cover her lunch ingredients fully and reimburse me etc etc.

    This sounds more like a contract.

    What happens when you go for a meal or drinks? Or say walking by a Costa or Starbucks to pick up coffees for the both of you?


  • #108
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,315 ✭✭✭nthclare


    Looking out from my ivory tower...

    Reading these posts have solidified the advantages of having a house without a mortgage and being independent, and having a secure public sector job.


  • #109
    v638sg7k1a92bx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,913 ✭✭✭v638sg7k1a92bx


    R.F. wrote: »
    This sounds more like a contract.

    What happens when you got for a meal or drinks? Or say walking by a Costa or Starbucks to pick up coffees for the both of you?

    I know someone like this. If he goes to supervalu to pick up a few things and it comes to €40, he comes home with the receipt and she'll hand him €20. Utterly bizarre for a married couple.


  • #110
    AmberGold
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,285 ✭✭✭AmberGold


    As someone who works in a high stress role (& pays for everything, helps out where I can etc.) I can totally relate to the "her husband comes home she hands him the kids and he has to take over all duties from then on".

    Whats most annoying to me is the counting, checking and making sure you are doing your share of drops, runs, whatever etc. and being taken to task regurlarly over it.

    For the OH who's the child of an alcoholic who did F'all, ever its probably ingrained that they feel short changed.


  • #111
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    Marissa Disgusting Seller wrote: »
    We just wouldn't see it as fair doing it any other way as you would be using the other persons money.

    Not sure about your situation, but we're a married couple and so there is no "other person's money" anymore. All money is our money.

    We talk over major purchases and financial decisions, but don't sweat the small stuff. A relationship where she comes home going "I spent €30 at Tesco so you owe me €15" sounds like a nightmare.


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  • #112
    v638sg7k1a92bx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,913 ✭✭✭v638sg7k1a92bx


    AmberGold wrote: »
    As someone who works in a high stress role (& pays for everything, helps out where I can etc.) I can totally relate to the "her husband comes home she hands him the kids and he has to take over all duties from then on".

    Yes but what I don't get is that one parent comes home form work and starts another job so they don't get any break. Whereas the "childminder" only works during the day. I'm seeing this alot more where there seems to be less value placed on the role of the provider and all the attention is focused on the parent who stays at home and how difficult it is when actually minding children is not that hard, I don't know why people make such a big deal about it and constantly talk about it.


  • #113
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Permabear, Nox, taxAHcruel in one thread - top class.

    Just needs Aongus to arrive in and tell us about how he lodges 5000 a month into his partner’s account as she only makes 140k a year.


  • #114
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 24,714 ✭ [Deleted User]


    R.F. wrote: »
    This sounds more like a contract.

    What happens when you go for a meal or drinks? Or say walking by a Costa or Starbucks to pick up coffees for the both of you?

    Meal we would either split the bill or alternate paying, we eat out/get takeaway 2 or 3 times a week at least so its easy to remember who paid the last time. Drinks just alternate rounds as you would with anyone.

    Something like coffees would just be bought and forgotten about in most cases, wouldn't be bothered about splitting that cost.
    Caroline Jealous Tart wrote: »
    I know someone like this. If he goes to supervalu to pick up a few things and it comes to €40, he comes home with the receipt and she'll hand him €20. Utterly bizarre for a married couple.

    Don't do it as much now but we used to always go though the receipts after shopping and tot up who owes what. Like to me it makes perfect sense. If I buy beer every time we shop that comes to 15 euro or whatever how is that fair or if she buys stuff for her lunch and thats even split 50:50 I'm paying for my own lunch in the shop everyday and half of her lunch everyday. That adds up over time to be a fair bit of money.
    Permabear II wrote: »
    Not sure about your situation, but we're a married couple and so there is no "other person's money" anymore. All money is our money.

    We talk over major purchases and financial decisions, but don't sweat the small stuff. A relationship where she comes home going "I spent €30 at Tesco so you owe me €15" sounds like a nightmare.

    Prefer to each have our own money and share expenses personally. Your second point is one of the reasons, I don't want to have to discuss what I buy and make a "joint decision" on it. If for example I want to change my car, I'll obvioulsy be taking about it and the cars I was looking at etc but it would be my money and my decision not really open for discussion whether it was happening or not. That's a bit of an extreme example but I've seen heard people say they have to "discuss" buying something for 100 euro, that would drive me nuts.

    Obviously on a very large scale like buying/building a house its a bit different but thats more the exception than the norm.

    It's rarely I would arrive home asking for 15 euro, Id have the revolut request sent before leaving the shop :D


  • #115
    mariaalice
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,630 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's relationship, but i do wonder what happens in its a fifty-fifty relationship when they come underpressure endless screaming baby and no sex or even more serious one partner gets cancer or other serious illness, or a child dies, or any of the thing life can throw at you. The sort of life issues that require you to drop all the pretense and give of yourself.

    Would it's a strictly fifty fifty relationship come under more pressure and end with one saying I'm out of here this isn't what I want.


  • #116
    LirW
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,825 ✭✭✭LirW


    I feel an arrangement like this only ever works for as long as both spouses earn their money under similar circumstances.
    These dynamics change quite a bit though when children come along and one partner is at home and doesn't have any income or gets maternity pay. Or one spouse suddenly cannot work due to health issues or injury.


  • #117
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    It's all pretty ad hoc with us, our earnings are similar over the course of the year, but mine are steadier and more predictable, I probably cover a bit more of the day to day stuff. Been a good while since we bothered splitting a grocery bill. I covered a couple of biggish expenses for him this month, we would keep track there. No joint account or anything.

    He's home more so he does more (he's also better at it, comes from tidy people). But then he might be gone for a few days or working 12 hour days at home to meet a deadline, and then I pick up the slack. I actually find it hard to adjust to now if he's away and I've to fend for myself, I end up having toast and a pack of grapes for dinner or something.

    I'm looking at returning to education to qualify in something in the medium term, he'll have to shoulder a bit more then.

    It works for us, that doesn't mean it's objectively better. I know couples who pool everything, fastidiously divide everything. There's not one right or wrong way.


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