Possibly trans but unsure

LegacyUser · 09-12-2019 3:07pm #1

Hi all,

I'm mid-30's male and for a long time now, I've felt like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I don't care about anything, and I'm just going through the motions. Have never had a girlfriend and have had very little experience. I occasionally dip my toe into online dating but can't even bring myself to message anyone because I feel like I'm not good enough.

In the midst of it all, for several years now I've been buying and wearing women's clothes. Started in my teens and especially when self-service checkouts came into supermarkets, I'd grab some women's underwear. After a couple of weeks, I'd become so ashamed of myself or see myself in the mirror and throw them out. A few months later, I'd do the same. Even more so when I moved out and into my own place, I'd buy them from Amazon, wear them for a while and throw them out in disgust and in fear of someone discovering it. Then buy more a few months later. I always tell myself to stop, yet it keeps escalating to the point where I've spent over €500 in the past two months buying not just underwear, but general around-the-house women's clothes. I used to think maybe it was a sexual thing, but I never feel sexy or aroused for doing it, it just feels normal. They're clothes, but if they're just clothes why do I have this persistent and escalating need to wear them?

As well as that, I daydream a lot. Long commute and general boredom in life. But almost all the time, I'm daydreaming I'm a woman. Various scenarios too long to list, but includes being my own twin sister, being famous etc. Not sexual though, just normal.

I can't say I've ever experienced the type of dysphoria many trans people have. I've hated my body for my whole life but I can't just put that down to feeling like it's the "wrong" body, I've just never taken care of my body or appearance, to the point of putting on a lot of weight. I thought losing the weight might help, but if anything it's made it worse because now there's more types of women's clothes I can fit in and that look better on me. I've even gone though phases of shaving almost my entire body, but like the clothes thing, it never felt sexual. It never felt "right" either. It just felt normal.

I've been reading accounts of other trans people who have said that their dysphoria wasn't always body-related and they also didn't know from birth or didn't have any of the usual "I wanted to be a girl as a child" kind of feelings. I can't remember if I ever felt that strongly enough, but I do know I was always fascinated with the idea of "being" a woman. What it must feel like etc.

It feels like at this stage, there's something wrong with me, and I don't know what it is. My best guess though is that I'm trans. Ever since I came to that realisation, I feel an anxiousness that I don't even know if it's fear or excitement. I'm not even sure if I'm asking a question here or just venting. I feel like I have no-one to talk to about it. I'm not even worried if I am trans. If that's the case, that's fine, I'll throw myself full-force into it. But if I'm not trans then I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I'm going to chat with my GP after Christmas and get a referral for a psychotherapist or whoever, but even that terrifies me because once I say it to my GP, that's a bell that can't be unrung. Maybe I should speak with TENI first, I don't know.

Just wondering I guess if any of this sounds remotely familiar to those who have been through similar. Or any other advice would be more than appreciated. Thanks.

antix80 · 10-12-2019 4:03pm

I think you should see a therapist, first and foremost.

You don't need to see your GP unless you need a HSE referral.

No medical training here, but it sounds like whatever body issues you're having is manifesting as a fantasy life that you're living in your head. You need to stop daydreaming.

_Godot_ · 10-12-2019 8:01pm

Do speak to your gp about a referral to a therapist. Also, yes, speak to teni. Maybe you can meet with people who feel the same way you do. I'm a trans guy, btw. Hello!

EDIT: Don't worry about the bell being unrung, this is your life and your body, do only what you wish with it.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2019 9:12pm

antix80 wrote: »

I think you should see a therapist, first and foremost.

You don't need to see your GP unless you need a HSE referral.

No medical training here, but it sounds like whatever body issues you're having is manifesting as a fantasy life that you're living in your head. You need to stop daydreaming.

I understand what you're saying about daydreaming and fantasy life, but at the same time it's not something I feel I have any control over, and if anything it just keeps getting worse. I also feel it's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario; are my body issues because of gender issues or are my gender issues because of body issues. I honestly don't know at this point, and taken in isolation I'd lean towards it being body issues. But along with everything else and given how long it's been like this, I do think it might be gender-related, and the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I can't understate how mundane some of these daydreams are, literally just going to school, who I would have been friends with etc. It's not much of a fantasy life by any stretch, but I'm almost always female in them even when it's absolutely not relevant to whatever I'm daydreaming about. As I said, if I'm not trans, there's something else going on.

I'm going to see the GP and run it past her and get her opinion on whether to go see a normal therapist myself or get a referral for a gender-related therapist through the HSE. If it's the latter, I don't want to waste time. I think I need to go through the HSE and get three therapists to agree that I'm trans, so at least if the first one says yes or no I'll have a better idea where I stand regardless.

_Godot_ wrote: »

Do speak to your gp about a referral to a therapist. Also, yes, speak to teni. Maybe you can meet with people who feel the same way you do. I'm a trans guy, btw. Hello!

EDIT: Don't worry about the bell being unrung, this is your life and your body, do only what you wish with it.

Thanks (and hello!). I'll speak with the GP and depending on how long I have to wait for a referral appointment, I might speak with TENI in the meantime. Have you dealt with them yourself if you don't mind me asking?

_Godot_ · 11-12-2019 2:58pm

Going Carzy wrote: »

Thanks (and hello!). I'll speak with the GP and depending on how long I have to wait for a referral appointment, I might speak with TENI in the meantime. Have you dealt with them yourself if you don't mind me asking?

They're very good in my experience. They've got good information and support.

S.G.M. · 11-12-2019 6:58pm

I heard a report that said some people who think they are transgender are actually undiagnosed autistic.
I'm not claiming you are autistic or that most transgender people are but if it's that report is true then it may be worth getting tested for that as well as seeing a therapist to get your thoughts out in the open.

Annasopra · 11-12-2019 8:08pm

S.G.M. wrote: »

I heard a report that said some people who think they are transgender are actually undiagnosed autistic.
I'm not claiming you are autistic or that most transgender people are but if it's that report is true then it may be worth getting tested for that as well as seeing a therapist to get your thoughts out in the open.

Hmmmm. Honestly I am extremely wary when people lash trans identities and autism together into a discussion. Whats the agenda behind it?

https://www.politicalresearch.org/2018/12/19/anti-lgbtq-media-outlets-peddle-myths-about-autism-and-trans-identity

https://www.verywellhealth.com/gender-dysphoria-and-autism-4134405

https://disabilityarts.online/blog/emma-robdale/blog-youre-not-trans-youre-autistic/

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/11/the-link-between-autism-and-trans-identity/507509/

S.G.M. · 11-12-2019 8:35pm

Joeytheparrot wrote:

Hmmmm. Honestly I am extremely wary when people lash trans identities and autism together into a discussion. Whats the agenda behind it?

It could be bulls**t but thought I'd mention it in case there is a link.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2019 12:23pm

Went to GP this morning. If I'd gone last week I would have told her I was definitely transgender, but towards the end of last week the usual doubt/fear/shame started to kick in and made me pull back, so I explained the situation as best I could and told her I just wasn't sure. She did say it was definitely possible I'm trans, but it could also be a combination of different things (eg. crossdressing mixed with general confidence/depression issues). But she did agree I needed to see someone who specialises in the area so she's going to do a bit of research into who best to refer me to and we'll go from there. She was very understanding and easy to talk to about it, even though if I'm not trans I've just said a whole heap of stuff she can never unhear, but there we go.

Going public rather than private, so might be a while to wait so I might make an appointment with TENI after Xmas anyway. But at least there are some wheels in motion now, just don't know where they're going.

JackTaylorFan · 19-12-2019 5:03am

TBH, sounds kinda like a fetish with the obsession with women's clothing, lingerie, etc.

antix80 · 19-12-2019 10:37am

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

TBH, sounds kinda like a fetish with the obsession with women's clothing, lingerie, etc.

Yep, what's exotic becomes erotic.

Annasopra · 19-12-2019 12:26pm

It could be that the op is a cross dresser or trans but I think the op is best working that out with professionals to be honest

LegacyUser · 19-12-2019 12:31pm

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

TBH, sounds kinda like a fetish with the obsession with women's clothing, lingerie, etc.

I get that, and it may be part of the case, but I really don't think it's a fetish. I used to think that or wuold explain it off as that to myself, but for the last number of years there is no sexual pleasure from it, and it's not lingerie, it's bog-standard women's clothes. It also doesn't explain the daydreaming, body issues etc, as well as other stuff that has occurred as the whole situation keeps escalating (urge to tuck, starting to experiment with makeup). These things make me feel good, but not in a sexual way. If anything I think my sex drive decreases when I do it.

But it may still be the case, you're right. My GP did say it could be just a compulsion to crossdress and that different non-transgender issues are causing me to act/behave/think in a different way which feeds into it. To me, being transgender explains everything I do/feel as a whole, but there may be individual issues acting independently of each other which explain different aspects. Hence why I can't fully be sure either way.

JackTaylorFan · 20-12-2019 3:22pm

Going Carzy wrote: »

I get that, and it may be part of the case, but I really don't think it's a fetish. I used to think that or wuold explain it off as that to myself, but for the last number of years there is no sexual pleasure from it, and it's not lingerie, it's bog-standard women's clothes. It also doesn't explain the daydreaming, body issues etc, as well as other stuff that has occurred as the whole situation keeps escalating (urge to tuck, starting to experiment with makeup). These things make me feel good, but not in a sexual way. If anything I think my sex drive decreases when I do it.

But it may still be the case, you're right. My GP did say it could be just a compulsion to crossdress and that different non-transgender issues are causing me to act/behave/think in a different way which feeds into it. To me, being transgender explains everything I do/feel as a whole, but there may be individual issues acting independently of each other which explain different aspects. Hence why I can't fully be sure either way.

Maybe, but there's a whole lot more to being a woman than clothes and make-up.

LegacyUser · 22-12-2019 5:08pm

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Maybe, but there's a whole lot more to being a woman than clothes and make-up.

Agreed, but a lot less than there is in being a man, and when taking into consideration the other factors I mention, you can see why I'm unsure.

I think this thread could probably be locked now. Thanks to all for the advice. I'm glad I've taken the first step in seeking help anyway and I think it'll take a professional to really help me see what's going on with me, and if I am trans or not. Right now I'm still leaning towards yes, but could still go either way. It'll be an interesting 2020 anyway. Thanks.

contrary_devil · 28-12-2019 1:19pm

Going Crazy
If you would like the name of a Dublin based therapist that I'm sure would be able to help you give me a pm.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2020 4:53pm

contrary_devil wrote: »

Going Crazy
If you would like the name of a Dublin based therapist that I'm sure would be able to help you give me a pm.

Thanks contrary_devil. I don't think I can send or receive PMs as an anonymous account, but I'm going to wait to see what my GP comes back with and if that's going to take too long I'll set up an account and PM you.

I have to admit, Christmas was tough. I'm more sure than ever that I am transgender though. It's like since I came to that conclusion a few weeks ago, even though I wasn't sure at the time, everything has gotten worse since then in terms of general dysphoria, how much I'm thinking about it etc. It's hard to put into words but it's just that every path leads me back to the same conclusion. Where there were doors I didn't know how to get past, they've now opened. All the feelings I had have only gotten stronger. Maybe that's overthinking things or being alone with my thoughts for too long over the break, but it's just as likely to be me finally accepting the truth about myself.

I'm definitely not planning a coming out party for anytime soon. Will still wait for my GP's referral to a therapist and take it from there. I'm also probably going to contact TENI/lgbt.ie in a week or two just to be able to properly talk to someone about it. But overall, I'm pretty happy about it, and excited about it. Scared too obviously as it's going to be difficult as hell in many ways, and I don't know how some of my family and friends will take it (most will be alright/positive, but given some of the general conversations over Christmas meals etc, I know some won't be), but I'm ready to do what's best for me, and at this stage, I have to.

Girly Gal · 04-01-2020 1:03am

Hi Going Crazy,
Reading your posts sounded so familiar to me, fairly similar story it almost feels like I could have written this. I'm in my early forties, first time I ever dressed up was when I was about 5 (first and only time I got caught). In my teens I dressed up every chance I got, never really felt like one of the lads (it didn't help that I was quite feminine looking and often got mistaken for a girl which I secretly liked) and fantasised about waking up as a girl.

Always thought I'd grow out of this as I became an adult, but, I still have similar daydreams to you where I am a woman doing ordinary every day things. In my adult life I've also had times when I bought clothes, dressed up a lot in private and then purged only to repeat it all again, I'll probably continue this cycle for the rest of my life.

Similar to you I don't really get a sexual kick out of dressing up, it just feels right. I've always kinda felt that I probably would have been happier if I was born female (could be wrong about this, will never know).
If there was some magic switch I could press to make this happen and go on as normal and no one would be any the wiser I'd probably press it.

No one knows about this side of me and I intend to keep it this way. I've accepted the fact that for me the cost of transitioning would be too high as I know my family would not accept me and even if they did I'm not sure it would be the right thing for me anyways.

I wish you all the best in your journey and hope everything works out for you, it's a massive decision so take your time. Remember it is your decision and yours only to make so don't feel rushed or pushed into making a decision either way.
Good luck.

L.Jenkins · 08-01-2020 11:49am

Hi OP. Have you been to see a Counsellor yet or your GP for a referral to someone who can help you discuss the issue in depth?

LegacyUser · 08-01-2020 12:23pm

Girly Gal wrote: »

Hi Going Crazy,
Reading your posts sounded so familiar to me, fairly similar story it almost feels like I could have written this. I'm in my early forties, first time I ever dressed up was when I was about 5 (first and only time I got caught). In my teens I dressed up every chance I got, never really felt like one of the lads (it didn't help that I was quite feminine looking and often got mistaken for a girl which I secretly liked) and fantasised about waking up as a girl.

Always thought I'd grow out of this as I became an adult, but, I still have similar daydreams to you where I am a woman doing ordinary every day things. In my adult life I've also had times when I bought clothes, dressed up a lot in private and then purged only to repeat it all again, I'll probably continue this cycle for the rest of my life.

Similar to you I don't really get a sexual kick out of dressing up, it just feels right. I've always kinda felt that I probably would have been happier if I was born female (could be wrong about this, will never know).
If there was some magic switch I could press to make this happen and go on as normal and no one would be any the wiser I'd probably press it.

No one knows about this side of me and I intend to keep it this way. I've accepted the fact that for me the cost of transitioning would be too high as I know my family would not accept me and even if they did I'm not sure it would be the right thing for me anyways.

I wish you all the best in your journey and hope everything works out for you, it's a massive decision so take your time. Remember it is your decision and yours only to make so don't feel rushed or pushed into making a decision either way.
Good luck.

Hi Girly Gal,

Thanks for your post and sharing your experience. Hope all works out for you regardless.

L.Jenkins wrote: »

Hi OP. Have you been to see a Counsellor yet or your GP for a referral to someone who can help you discuss the issue in depth?

Hi L.Jenkins,

I went to my GP before Christmas but I asked to go Public healthcare rather than Private, as I was worried about the cost. She said there'd be a longer wait but I said that was okay, as I presumed it'd still only be maybe 3-4 months. She called back saying she referred me to Loughlinstown, but the waiting list is 14-16 months (which she said she wasn't surprised by even though I was. That's f*cking insane imo), so she said she was going to still keep that referral live as I may need it in the future anyway, but that she'd try and find who/where to send me where they specialise in gender identity issues and will refer me to them. That was just a few days before Christmas so she said it'd be after Christmas.

Haven't heard back from her yet but if I don't hear back by Friday, I'll probably just call her to see what the story is. I did look at the list of specialists on TENI's website, but on their list of Psychiatrists/Clinical Psychologists, the only ones showing are in Cork, whereas there are a good few Counsellors/Psychotherapists in Dublin. So I'm not sure which I'm supposed to go with, or why there aren't psychiatrists in Dublin. Given the cost of going private with it (and my health insurance doesn't cover it), I don't want to go through some sessions with a Counsellor and then find out I need to see a Psychiatrist (as per the HSE website for being diagnosed with Gender dysphoria).

Possibly trans but unsure

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