Some Funnies

A woman walks up to a handsome man in a nightclub and shouts:

‘Fat penguin!’ ‘Fat penguin!’

‘Pardon?’ he says, looking bemused.

‘Sorry,’ she replies.

‘I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice.’

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I was lying on the sofa last night and I said to the missus,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got got up, unplugged the telly and emptied my bottle of beer down the sink in the Kitchen.

Some women possess no sense of humour whatsoever.

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I hit my wife over the head with an abacus last night.

I just told the police it was a counter attack.

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I was woken up this morning by my wife pouring boiling hot coffee on my head.

I got up and went to work where my secretary poured scoulding tea over my head.

After a hard days work i got home and my daughter came running up and tipped bloody hot chocolate over my head and all down my face.

Is it just me or do women take me for a mug?

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My son said to me yesterday,

"Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that right?"

I replied, “Well, it must be, I've still got mine.”