wife or mother (update)

Hi, so glad you checked back in. What you are feeling is totally normal, and you're definitely not alone. As the other posts have said, this is textbook stuff you're going through. But firstly I have to say well done in putting your family, your marriage, and ultimately your mental health first. Of course this is very hard for you, and it's really a grieving process for you now. The big clue to how toxic and damaging this has been to you is that you said you have a bout of anxiety when their names show up on your phone. The dynamic between you and your parents isn't healthy. Some members of your family are going to thrash around because the control over you has been lost. But you've done the healthiest thing you could do for you and your immediate family now, be assured it was the right choice.

Now comes the steadfastness, the processing and the healing, and that's just going to take some time.
Expect that you will be manipulated to believe this is your fault. Remember to believe in yourself and your truth - it isn't your fault. This problem isn't yours to fix. You ARE a good person, trying to live your best life, and unfortunately due to her behavior this is what it takes. You need to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your marriage and therefore your family. I can see you feel bad about the cousins, and of course it's sad, of course it's not ideal. But what your kids need most is a peaceful and secure home life. They need you and your wife, their parents, to be strong and happy and healthy. You and your wife can't be any of that with the toxic behavior in your life. What your kids need more than anything else is for their parents to be okay, so that they aren't affected too. And maybe one day your siblings will learn from this too and come to support you more, but maybe they won't. At the end of the day you are the one modeling healthy behavior and boundaries; they may learn something from you.

It is impossible to have a positive relationship with anyone who refuses to acknowledge what they've done, refuses to give a genuine apology-and change their behavior. When this is the way it has to be, there's sadness and loss and in a way you have to grieve that and those relationships, it's not what any of you deserve. It's a painful reality to come to terms with the fact that sometimes people, especially parents and those we loved, are just not capable of being what we need and deserve.
All I can say is I promise it gets better. It gets easier, and your mental health and marriage will strengthen and improve. I do recommend a lot of self care to help get you through. Whatever works, any and all. Walks and time outdoors, talking through your emotions with your wife, writing in a journal, listening to music, etc. Whatever you can think of to turn to that helps blow off steam, that you enjoy and can focus on, and of course, the right fit counselor can help immensely. If so find one who has toxic family experience. Seek support online like you're doing, google things such as surviving toxic parents/family, join toxic family fb groups, order books, all the things. Hang in there and focus on your family now. x

It is really hard to stay strong. You sound a lot like my husband in personality and temperament. My husband wasn't able to find strength and bravery about something very similar for so long, for too long, and it nearly broke us. As it stands it caused a lot of damage that now has to be healed from. And it's only when this toxic garbage is out of your lives can the healing begin. It is so so hard to go against the love you may feel for her, the duty you may feel towards her and the societal pressure from people who say things like "but she's your mother." Pay them no attention. She may be your mother who gave you life, but you don't owe her yours at the expense of your marriage, family, and mental health.

If I remember correctly you and your wife have been subjected to this behavior for more than 15 years? I honestly don't know how your wife has coped for so long. We were about 7 years into it when I told my husband I feel I need to divorce just to have normality and peace in my life again. My husband's inability to put an end to it triggered anxiety and panic attacks in both of us for the first time. What we went through, and what you're going through, is quite severe and so wrong.

Yes, it's hard to stay strong and your mother/other family members will try all they can to break through your boundaries. Playing into this illness angle (which is a very common TACTIC) and calling your parents now would be a huge mistake. It will open you back up to the abuse, it will threaten your marriage and therefore your children's security. It's great you can see this truth though, it was hard for us to even get to this stage of realization, too. It's been YEARS of this- she's not going to change. A real or imaginary illness doesn't change anything. A genuine apology and changed behavior does. It doesn't sound like she's capable of that.

This same conflict and it's fallout has been on my mind every single day too. It's the biggest thing I have to work through. Now that the wall is up, the boundary is in place, the healing can start. You've been stuck in this toxic cycle for so long and it's been a huge part of your life... 15 years!! The ruts in your brain over all this are well established. I can only imagine your wife is horribly suffering from her thoughts over this too. For me, the ugly words and actions and dashed hopes play on my mind almost daily, and the pain I experience of not having them as loving family for us and our child is hard to bear. But like I said, each day that passes with their ugly absence we both feel a bit better, a bit stronger. I can feel and see that it's lessening for me now.

The best solution for us here in our family was to break that mental cycle throgh eft/CBT mental training. Specifically, finding an EFT/Tapping therapist who knew exactly what to do in this situation is what truly saved me and put an end to my panic attacks. EFT tapping can be done by anyone at any time. The beauty of it is you can do this on your own too without needing to schedule a therapy appointment every time. It combines traditional talk therapy with tapping with your fingers on certain parts of your body. It lowers your cortisol (stress) and helps re-train your thoughts. It begins with acknowledging your feelings and the impact it is having on you and your body. Don't push your feelings away, spend a few minutes acknowledging them, how they make you feel (sick in the stomach for me and high anxiety) and then work on letting them pass through. Your brain is now in these thought ruts. When you realize you are ruminating on this, maybe a bad memory or guilt, you must force yourself to think of something positive instead. A happy memory with your wife and family, or maybe think about the excitement of something coming instead, a holiday perhaps? Anyway, have a look into this type of therapy, I couldn't recommend it more. You may feel badly over this for a while yet, recovery is a long road. You'll get to a stage where you're ready to emotionally accept the reality of this and the loss of relationships that come with it. Mind yourself. x