Turning an existence into a life

LegacyUser · 29-11-2019 11:46pm #1

Hello,

Where to begin...

I've been attending a Psychoanalyst now for a number of years. It took me quite a while to open up to her - literally years. I would go there and we would sit in silence. I would then engage a competition in my mind to not speak first. I would get angry and get up and leave, only to come back the following week and go through it all again. I would get frustrated and not engage - frustrated by my inability to talk freely about my problems and thoughts. I would at times say she was not helping me and query was she doing it for the money. She said I could leave when I wanted, but she would not tell me to leave. And I didn't leave.

We discussed this and I always seemed to know that it was the right place for me. So after a long time, I've started coming out of my shell. However, the analysis has now been done. The 'causes' of my problems have been identified and shown to me to help me navigate and control them.

All my life I've struggled to make friends, to feel a worthy part of a group. I lived in the country, had quiet private parents, little conversation in the home, few interactions as a child and so my social skills have been stunted. There is a lot more to it that this rough synopsis and it is a lot more nuanced too.

Anyhow, I'm now in my forties and I find myself no friends, no social life, no relationships, no hobbies, no interests. Nothing. My life is a groundhog day of work, gym and TV. At weekends I go home to visit my parents (as I've done every week since university). I do not go out anywhere.

I've not had any relationships in my life with opposite sex. I had signed up to a few dating sites, but I've got no photos and I've been unsuccessful in taking selfies which look suitable - I hate looking at photos of myself, so I doubt there would be any which are of any use to me. So that has fallen on its face (pardon the pun). I joined the ODG forum here, but I've not really participated in it.
I'm petrified of 'chatting up' a woman. I tried it a few times and I couldn't think of anything to say and/or they would ignore me. The rejection was hurtful to me at the time, but I truthfully can't say I blame them for walking away!

The problem is that I'm unable to help myself gain a life. I just seem unable to shake myself into action. It varies from laziness, to resignation, to deep depression. I just cannot, and have not been able for over a decade at least now, to get myself up and out. I assume that part of this is getting older too, but I'm just sitting here waiting to die.

Recently, I've noticed my work suffering. I used to be quite good at work, albeit I worked long hours. Part of the reason I worked long hours was that I had no life outside of work and I stayed late as the office was warm, people to talk with and of course there was some OT money.

My inability to get myself out has agonised and frustrated me to the verge of tears. I know what I need to do, but I just cannot do it. I can't do it. My parents would not be sociable people and this has rubbed off on me. But, the depression over this is now starting to cripple me.
I've tried language courses, cooking courses, cinemas, yoga, gym classes and given up on all of them.

I take Citalapram now for a few years - god only knows what I'd be like without it.

What is wrong with me and more to the point how can I get myself a life before it really is too late? I feel that now I'm getting irritated with myself for not being able to progress and I'm falling backwards into a dark place which I've only partially emerged from.

In terms of counselling, I'm happy with my current arrangement and it is definitely the right place for me - a change here would do more harm than good. However, I now need to start to see some tangible progress in the real world and it scares the sh1te out of me. I just can't do it. Why?

Purple Mountain · 30-11-2019 3:00am

Hi.

Forgive my ignorance but is a psychoanalyst the same or similar to a psychotherapist or someone who would do life skills?
I ask because while it's absolutely fantastic that you have identified the root of your issues, I think you need guidance and handholding now for the next phase of your life.
Can this person now help you make goal, say like a realistic goal to try achieve in between your appointments with them?
You clearly are heading in the right direction in that you have identified what's holding you back and you want to overcome it do you have half the battle achieved.
So, now I think you need a mentor to help you step by step to go gradually out of your comfort zone.
For example, one week you might have the task of striking up a conversation with a stranger in the gym or somewhere social. Or another week, call unannounced to visit someone other than your parents. Maybe sit at a different table in the work canteen and talk to someone you don't usually talk to.
You get what I'm saying.
My point is, you get to a stage where you have all the knowledge but what you need next is the tools.
Start noticing the positives in your life.
You have a job, you live independently, you're obviously physically fit if you can do the gym.
Often when we give time and energy to those less fortunate that us, it can make us realise our blessings and also give us a morale boost.
Why not give a few hours this Christmas season in a soup kitchen or meals on wheels?
Best of luck.

antix80 · 30-11-2019 3:18am

I remember your post about the silence with the counsellor. Good you got over it.
Psychoanalysis only goes so far but while you're waiting for it to click why you don't take good photos, why you visit your parents so often, why you haven't found someone to date... Life's passing by.
You might get a coach/counsellor who is more goal oriented, and go there in addition to your therapist.. And of course do a few things different.

Photo... Get a professional photographer to take the photo. Tell him or her to choose the top 3 and make them your profile pics.

Dating.. Do it for company if nothing else.

Work 5 days and parents 2 days? Nope.. Find something else to do next weekend. Buy a dog and train it.

If you have a lot of money accumulated a career change might be worth considering if you don't actually love your job and it doesn't provide a social life. You could be financially secure and miserable til you're 65, but it's a means to an end.

ILoveYourVibes · 30-11-2019 5:47am

You need to open yourself up to new activities and life experiences.

For me most relationships come from friendships etc or hobbies or ...scenes if you know what i mean.

You don't have to chat people up. You do have to be willing to have new life experiences with different people though even non romantically.

Maybe stop going down to your parents so often also. You need time for YOUR life too.

Its not about courses ..hobbies etc.

I have noticed that people who remain single a long time ....have gotten stuck in their ways. They get used to their ways and either they like them or they don't. But its same either way.

Some people really like their routine and while they want to have a partner don't like their 'ways' being upset. They don't like wasting time on social interaction and don't really share life experiences that are significant. They have a set group of friends etc.

In a way you are like this. Only you are unhappy about it.

Yes its also to do with getting older. We become less open to new people and new experiences.

People become less extrovert as they get older.

personality changes which are less pronounced in people who are younger at heart and accentuated in people with older subjective ages.

My advice is learn to find the inner child in you.

Caryatnid · 30-11-2019 7:47am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Or another week, call unannounced to visit someone other than your parents.

Hi OP, this post has otherwise great advice and suggestions, but don't do this one. x

hawley · 30-11-2019 9:39am

Hi OP, the main thing I'd be worried about with you is that you seem to have no hobbies. You need to start taking an interest in life. Have you considered joining a book club? You might meet similar people there, usually there's more women in them too. You can manage a book a month even if you're not massively into reading. Have you considered online dating with women in Thailand? I know a few guys who go out there maybe once or twice a year to spend time with a lady they met online. It doesn't have to be seedy and I know some people think that they're effectively using women, but it might be something you'd consider. The two men I know who go out there were in the same position as you.

Purple Mountain · 30-11-2019 4:48pm

Caryatnid wrote: »

Hi OP, this post has otherwise great advice and suggestions, but don't do this one. x

I'd challenge you to explain why?
Is it because we are in an age now where we're supposed to make appointments to see people?
If so, I think that's silly. I was trying to suggest to the poster for them to do something spontaneous, to take a leap from routine.
I love when someone calls to see me unexpectedly. It shows they were thinking of me and wanted to spend time with me.
That's the kind of Ireland I want my child to grow up in, not where you must have a schedule to drop into a neighbour on spec to say hello or take an apple pie you baked.

antix80 · 30-11-2019 5:02pm

Caryatnid wrote: »

Hi OP, this post has otherwise great advice and suggestions, but don't do this one. x

I'd agree. Don't call unannounced unless you know someone well enough to know it won't bother them.

30-11-2019 5:35pm

Hey OP..I'm probably kind of similar myself at this stage..I was kind of alright up until a few years ago, but yeah, once you get in to a certain point with depression getting out of it seems impossible.. Yeah, it does sound like CBT might do you good, or might be helpful..
Yeah, I don't know what to say to you really..

twill · 01-12-2019 4:11pm

OP, I agree with others about starting small and getting involved with hobbies, etc. If there aren't many clubs or meetups where you are, try going to a larger town at the weekend.

However, I would focus on making solitude less onerous as well as making new friends. Have you travelled much? Pick out somewhere in Ireland you've never been to and spend a day there. Go to London or Edinburgh for the weekend. Chat to fellow travellers if you feel like it. Do you like podcasts? Listen to them as you travel, maybe learn a new language (or at least master the basics).

Don't regret wasted time, think of the positives in your situation. You've overcome some big problems, and some people never do. Some people are stuck in miserable marriages at your age. There are many lonely women in their late thirties/early forties who feel that they've missed the boat - try hard enough and you'll find them. Yes, your situation is challenging, but that's how we grow. Keep challenging yourself every day to change a little bit.

LegacyUser · 01-12-2019 5:54pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Hi.
Forgive my ignorance but is a psychoanalyst the same or similar to a psychotherapist or someone who would do life skills?
I ask because while it's absolutely fantastic that you have identified the root of your issues, I think you need guidance and handholding now for the next phase of your life.
Can this person now help you make goal, say like a realistic goal to try achieve in between your appointments with them?
You clearly are heading in the right direction in that you have identified what's holding you back and you want to overcome it do you have half the battle achieved.
So, now I think you need a mentor to help you step by step to go gradually out of your comfort zone.

I've tried numerous types of counselling for almost 2 decades from CBT to whatever. None of them were able to help me the way that this one has. I'm not about to throw it away at this stage.
I've made progress here that I've not made elsewhere, it's a sticky patch, but hopefully I'll get over it. I really don't want to take the risk about going elsewhere. We have talked about the next step, but I'm just unable to do anything so far.

My point is, you get to a stage where you have all the knowledge but what you need next is the tools.
Start noticing the positives in your life.
You have a job, you live independently, you're obviously physically fit if you can do the gym.
Often when we give time and energy to those less fortunate that us, it can make us realise our blessings and also give us a morale boost.
Why not give a few hours this Christmas season in a soup kitchen or meals on wheels?
Best of luck.

Problem is that I'm just so disinterested in everything. I have nothing that I get enthused about. Until that happens I don't know where I'll go from here.

antix80 wrote: »

I remember your post about the silence with the counsellor. Good you got over it.

THanks, it has been a long road for me

Psychoanalysis only goes so far but while you're waiting for it to click why you don't take good photos, why you visit your parents so often, why you haven't found someone to date... Life's passing by.
You might get a coach/counsellor who is more goal oriented, and go there in addition to your therapist.. And of course do a few things different.

I don't take good photos as I've image problems. I visit my parents as I've nothing to do at weekends and rather be alone, I go home. I haven't found someone to date because I'm intimidated, low self esteem and poor at conversation.

Photo... Get a professional photographer to take the photo. Tell him or her to choose the top 3 and make them your profile pics.

I asked about this previously on the ODG forum and I was told that professional photos were not a good idea. I tried taking ones myself, but I hated them all.

Dating.. Do it for company if nothing else.

I should, but it is the first step that is the problem.

Work 5 days and parents 2 days? Nope.. Find something else to do next weekend. Buy a dog and train it.

Dog not an option, as I've no space for one. Howver, yes I do need to find something to do, but I just don't know what due to my lack of enthusiam for everything.

If you have a lot of money accumulated a career change might be worth considering if you don't actually love your job and it doesn't provide a social life. You could be financially secure and miserable til you're 65, but it's a means to an end.

I do like my job. I find it relatively easy to do and it pays well. I'd rather not change too much at one time.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You need to open yourself up to new activities and life experiences.

For me most relationships come from friendships etc or hobbies or ...scenes if you know what i mean.

You don't have to chat people up. You do have to be willing to have new life experiences with different people though even non romantically.

Maybe stop going down to your parents so often also. You need time for YOUR life too.

Its not about courses ..hobbies etc.

I understand. I just don't know what to do or how to go about it. I've never had any passions in my life so I don't know how to go about picking something and engaging.

I have noticed that people who remain single a long time ....have gotten stuck in their ways. They get used to their ways and either they like them or they don't. But its same either way.

My early posts were always about me being stuck in a rut. That is my problem.

hawley wrote: »

Hi OP, the main thing I'd be worried about with you is that you seem to have no hobbies. You need to start taking an interest in life.

Yes, I know this is a major problem. I just don't know what interests me. Guess I'm just a boring person.

Deleted User wrote: »

Hey OP..I'm probably kind of similar myself at this stage..I was kind of alright up until a few years ago, but yeah, once you get in to a certain point with depression getting out of it seems impossible.. Yeah, it does sound like CBT might do you good, or might be helpful..
Yeah, I don't know what to say to you really..

As said, previously, I've already had a couple of different CBT therapists. However, my lack of progress made them drop me. This was years ago, when it would have been much easier for me. Still hurts when I think of all the times I asked for help and got nothing. Here I am at 42 and only slightly further one.
My life could have been so different and positive if only I was helped better at the start all those years ago.

twill wrote: »

OP, I agree with others about starting small and getting involved with hobbies, etc. If there aren't many clubs or meetups where you are, try going to a larger town at the weekend.

I live in a large city. However, most people seem to stick to their groups - sometimes even from secondary school. Breaking into a new group is often noted by outsiders as being difficult - it's not like London or elsewhere.

However, I would focus on making solitude less onerous as well as making new friends. Have you travelled much? Pick out somewhere in Ireland you've never been to and spend a day there. Go to London or Edinburgh for the weekend. Chat to fellow travellers if you feel like it. Do you like podcasts? Listen to them as you travel, maybe learn a new language (or at least master the basics).

I used to travel extensively and then I had a bit of an 'episode' when I got a bit anxious when I was travelling solo in a foreign country. It is something I'm trying to get back into again, but travelling solo is something that irks me now - but then again group travel is something that fills me with dread too.

Don't regret wasted time, think of the positives in your situation. You've overcome some big problems, and some people never do. Some people are stuck in miserable marriages at your age. There are many lonely women in their late thirties/early forties who feel that they've missed the boat - try hard enough and you'll find them. Yes, your situation is challenging, but that's how we grow. Keep challenging yourself every day to change a little bit.

I've had no relationships with anyone and I'm scared of them now. Sex intimidates me. I don't really trust anyone - my parents have an awkawrd relationship and it has tainted my viewpoint on things.
I look back on my life and I've just wandered along with my finger up my hold and my brain in neutral. I can't see how I'm going to overcome this. I've no hobbies, friends, social life or relationship. It is a massive mountain for me to scale. I don't even know where to start.

Rubberchikken · 01-12-2019 8:22pm

hi op
have you ever tried or considered a singles holiday?

something with a fair bit of sightseeing/touring/ etc where theres interaction but also a chance for alone time might give you an opportunity to make friends/connections.

Nothing surprises me now · 01-12-2019 10:57pm

Hi Op, are there any social clubs in your workplace? If there are, could you try to join one, the fact you would know some of the members as they're colleagues, it may be less intimidating for you to interact?
Also, any Christmas events through work that you could attend just to mingle and chat, (or just listen and nod every so often if you don't feel like talking, people won't notice) Usually it's light chat and banter anyway at Christmas and you can always leave when you want to. You never know, you could hear colleagues planning new outings/events for 2020 that you might try? Best wishes to you.

zanador · 02-12-2019 2:59am

Hi - this doesn't read as someone who is still stuck in a rut, it reads as someone who has taken huge steps so that they won't be.

Maybe join one group - see what groups are around, could even be like tidy towns or something, and get yourself into the practice of talking to strangers and take it from there? Any group that is looking for volunteers would do, even just helping out for a day here and there is great as your interest isn't so much in the specific activity as in learning to be social from what I can tell?

completedit · 02-12-2019 3:22am

zanador wrote: »

Hi - this doesn't read as someone who is still stuck in a rut, it reads as someone who has taken huge steps so that they won't be.

Maybe join one group - see what groups are around, could even be like tidy towns or something, and get yourself into the practice of talking to strangers and take it from there? Any group that is looking for volunteers would do, even just helping out for a day here and there is great as your interest isn't so much in the specific activity as in learning to be social from what I can tell?

If it was me and in some ways it could have been, I just got lucky, I'd use it to your advantage. Are you in Ireland? Id take up surfing or something. Treat yourself, go somewhere warm with good surf to learn and get in the buzz and see if you like it. Come home and make it your hobby, have fun with it, reinvent yourself.

Honestly mate, after about 21 or so ife is pretty much the same. You can do everything in one week that realistically any of my mates do.
Head out, have a few pints, do some sports, go to gigs. Friendships are different when u get older, I actually think your situation is okay.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2019 11:07pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

hi op
have you ever tried or considered a singles holiday?

something with a fair bit of sightseeing/touring/ etc where theres interaction but also a chance for alone time might give you an opportunity to make friends/connections.

No. I've done numerous solo holidays and mostly enjoyed them - apart from one previous instance where I had a wobble. I found it nice just relaxing away from people. It was the evening meals which I found lonely and awkward.
I'm currently planning a solo holiday to Europe next year. I might take alook at a group holiday again as I'd like to go and visit Asia. However, I've done Trek America trips before and TBH I have no desire to go back to that type of holiday!

Nothing surprises me now wrote: »

Hi Op, are there any social clubs in your workplace? If there are, could you try to join one, the fact you would know some of the members as they're colleagues, it may be less intimidating for you to interact?
Also, any Christmas events through work that you could attend just to mingle and chat, (or just listen and nod every so often if you don't feel like talking, people won't notice) Usually it's light chat and banter anyway at Christmas and you can always leave when you want to. You never know, you could hear colleagues planning new outings/events for 2020 that you might try? Best wishes to you.

Workplace is quite old. I'm one of the youngest. There are few social outings - whatever outings there are, I mostly go to them. I don't organise anything myself as I'm not that type of person and most people have families so it is not an easy task now.
I always go to the Xmas meal.
TBH - I usually go to most invites I get as I get out so little. Sometimes it can be stressful going out. However, I usually enjoy myself when I do get out.

Really it is the lack of opportunities that is killing me.

zanador wrote: »

Hi - this doesn't read as someone who is still stuck in a rut, it reads as someone who has taken huge steps so that they won't be.

Maybe join one group - see what groups are around, could even be like tidy towns or something, and get yourself into the practice of talking to strangers and take it from there? Any group that is looking for volunteers would do, even just helping out for a day here and there is great as your interest isn't so much in the specific activity as in learning to be social from what I can tell?

I don't have any interest or anything that picks my interest. I just don't know what direction to go in. Deeply frustrating. No interests. No passions. No causes.

completedit wrote: »

If it was me and in some ways it could have been, I just got lucky, I'd use it to your advantage. Are you in Ireland? Id take up surfing or something. Treat yourself, go somewhere warm with good surf to learn and get in the buzz and see if you like it. Come home and make it your hobby, have fun with it, reinvent yourself.

Honestly mate, after about 21 or so ife is pretty much the same. You can do everything in one week that realistically any of my mates do.
Head out, have a few pints, do some sports, go to gigs. Friendships are different when u get older, I actually think your situation is okay.

Yes, I'm in Ireland. I don't know what I want to do. I'm not sure if my counsellor can help me find something. I have had no ability myself in terms of finding something to keep my interest.
I'd head out, but I've noone to head out with. I don't drink very much either. Music is not really something that interests me. It is a noise/distraction on the radio moreso than anything else.

Another thing that is stressing me is that there is no generation below me and I'd love for my mum to have a grandchild. I feel that time is running out for me, before it turns into an odd couple setup with a big age difference. It also irks me that also I've done well professionally, I'll have noone to hand it on to. I've no nieces or nephews either.
There is so much swirling around in my head from all angles that I sometimes struggle to make sense of it.

milli milli · 15-12-2019 12:10pm

OP you mentioned in one of your posts about having low esteem. To be honest this needs to be worked on first before trying to find a relationship. Ideally a relationship is where 2 people bring their best selves together. You can indeed have relationships where you don’t have great self-esteem but this will only cause problems within it.
So I would talk to the psychoanalyst about this.
Having a good self esteem and healthy love for yourself makes problems seem less overwhelming. You will always have your own back so to speak.

I’m not sure if the lack of interest in anything is a symptom of depression or if you haven’t actually found anything you truly like. Are you able to figure out which it is?
Also just want to say a massive well done for trying new things and for going to the social events on your own - lots of people wouldn’t do anything on their own so you are already one step ahead (despite thinking that you feel behind others).
You mentioned going to the gym -are there any sports that you’re interested in taking up? Loads of sports clubs to join and many have good social aspects to them.

I really think increasing your self esteem will help you progress further. I’m a fan of CBT in that the program helps you overcome seemingly overwhelming things step-by-step. I know you had bad experiences with this before but it sounds like CBT with the right therapist would really help you out here.

Plus 1 on the volunteering by the way - I think with volunteering, besides doing something good, you’re less likely to concentrate on your own problems.

Also for making conversation, If you don’t feel like you have lots to talk about - ask people lots of questions, listen intently, be genuinely interested in others.
If someone mentions something that might interest you, you could say ‘that sounds interesting, might try that sometime.’ You might even get an invite to something too.

Everything might seem overwhelming to you right now but you can turn your life around. It takes a positive mental attitude, lots of patience and understanding with yourself and a willingness to come outside your comfort zone.

Turning an existence into a life

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