Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

gender confusion

Options
  • 15-01-2021 12:21am
    #1
    safefromharm
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭


    a couple of years ago, i posted here asking for advice finding a dressing service in dublin and everyone was very helpful. i got in contact with someone offering this service and had a wonderful time. for a few different reasons i've sadly not been back since but the experience dispelled any doubt in my mind that i have a feminine side and i want to give life to it.

    so i've come back here looking for advice as i'm still in a state of confusion over... what exactly i am. ostensibly i'm a middle-aged white guy and my sexual preferences are solely for women. but i love dressing as a woman, i love wearing makeup, and i love the company and emotional support of my female friends. i don't feel the desire to transition (i'm comfortable with my masculine side too) but i love the idea of being two people but... the same person, if that makes sense?

    it's a side of myself that i've only discussed with a small, select group of my friends. and sadly it's proved to be troublesome when it comes to dating. i believe in being honest with partners so i've made a point of telling anyone i've matched with on "the apps" (god i hate the apps) that i love cross-dressing and the universal response has been: "that's cool but it's not what i want in a partner"

    not really sure where i'm going with this. i guess i'm just looking to see if there are others like me and how they navigate these feelings. does this sound familiar to anyone here?

    i hope my words haven't offended anyone. by definition as a white, straight man i've led a privileged life in comparison to trans people, to women, to gay people and i'm really conscious and concerned that i might be intruding on your space by asking these questions. it's not my intention to do that so please forgive me if any of this has triggered you. love and solidarity to all x

    J


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    AllForIt
    Registered Users Posts: 8,291 ✭✭✭AllForIt


    No offence taken

    If I may, I think you enjoy your gender confusion. And your're not really looking for a way out of it, rather you revel in it.

    Personally when it comes to society's female look, make up, dresses etc, this is utterly trivial stuff imo, but you seem to think it's important.

    Would you ever think your interests in all this is just a bit 'kinky', rather than it's something that makes you 'different' in some serious way, and I don't mean that as an insult.

    You might be suffering from a sexual paraphilia, where it is affecting your life negatively. Again I don't mean this as in insult.

    Now I'm not saying you should give it up, but since you are posting here it is obvious that the whole thing is troubling you. And I might suggest that is because you are making too much of a big deal about it in the first place.


  • Options
    #3
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Lol.

    How sad is it you feel obliged to apologise for offense for your own kink.!

    Go for it man, you do you. Don't worry about other people as long as you aren't worrying them. Dress as what you want to, act like you want to. **** the begrudgers.


  • Options
    #4
    AllForIt
    Registered Users Posts: 8,291 ✭✭✭AllForIt


    In all honesty I think this thread should be moved to the Sex and Sexuality Forum. I don't think it's appropriate in the LGBT Forum.


  • Options
    #5
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,329 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    AllForIt wrote: »
    In all honesty I think this thread should be moved to the Sex and Sexuality Forum.

    Op doesn't meet the minimum criteria to post in S&S (must have 100 posts). Thread is fine where it is.

    Mod: can we please get back on topic

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



  • Options
    #6
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,816 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Firstly you shouldnt in any way feel at all the need to apologise. There isnt a need for you to do so. Secondly I am little bit confused. On the one hand you seem very clear that you are a straight cisgender male that likes to crossdress, on the other hand it seems like you are unsure about your sexual orientation or gender identity. Am I correct in thinking that? I could be completely and utterly wrong but I do feel there is something in your post about uncertainty of identity.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    safefromharm
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭safefromharm


    that's pretty accurate, joey. well, i'd say it's closer to gender oscillation than uncertainty. if i was given the chance tomorrow to completely erase my masculinity i'd refuse because it's a core part of who i am and i'm comfortable with some aspects of me as a man. but if i was offered the same chance to erase my femininity i'd also refuse because i find comfort in it. maybe my idea of femininity is distorted but i very much like not having to live up to the idea of what constitutes manhood sometimes.

    am i making too big a thing of this? possibly. but i think these are valid questions to have when you're not certain where you lie on the gender spectrum. i should point out that i'm not tormented by this uncertainty and i've come to embrace it.


  • Options
    #8
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,816 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Cool

    The thing with gender is many people do not always feel they fit into a binary of male or female and so there are other identities e.g. non binary gender or genderfluid

    There is explanation of all the different terms here

    https://www.teni.ie/resources/trans-terms/

    It might be worth looking into a trans peer support group if you felt you wanted more peer support around unserstanding your gender identity

    https://www.teni.ie/supports/

    Or accessing formal supports through the lgbt helpline

    https://lgbt.ie/

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #9
    Tig98
    Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    Of course its different for everyone, but to me you sound fairly on the fence. Sorry to be throwing confusion your way, but youve mentioned a few times that you're "comfortable" with your masculine features, almost as if you acknowledge that they are a part of you and you must accept them. Im not even talking about stereotypical masculine / feminine traits, but even just your physical traits.

    For me at least, im not "comfortable" with my masculinity, I love it. I love my body, it's erotic. Not necessarily in a narcissistic way, but Im extremely happy with my body. I enjoy every inch of it, Im proud of it. It's all mine. Whatever you identify as you should have the same pride in your body, and not just be contented by it...


  • Options
    #10
    safefromharm
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭safefromharm


    thanks for all of those, joey.

    tig98 - sorry, i didn't mean to suggest that there was shame in being proud of one's body. body positivity is massively important


  • Options
    #11
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    It sounds to me that you're probably closer to gender fluid. Really this is something for you to explore, to find out where you fit. There are places online where you will find like-minded individuals, and that may help you understand where you fit in.

    One thing that jumps out is that you don't necessarily consider this a sexual thing; for you it's not specifically a kink or a fetish, it's merely an expression of self.

    With that in mind, I would avoid using terms like "cross dresser" or "transvestite" to describe yourself. While they may be technically correct, there is very much a sexual connotation to both of these terms, which may lead to people making assumptions, or might confuse you when you're trying to find a place to fit in.

    I think starting with Joey's links is a good place. If nothing else it should give you a good grounding of the terminology to let you explore further.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    MichelleSummer
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭MichelleSummer


    OP other than I being hetroflexible your post more or less describes me.
    I don't view my having and expressing a feminine side as a kink or fetish nor do I think of it as being sexual. I think of myself as being genderfluid.
    Another source of information in addition to those links already mentioned is thehiddenpeople.ie/
    While there are plenty of people who dress en femme to satisfy sexual needs or consider it a kink/fetish there are plenty more who are in the same situation as ourselves.
    I wish you well on your journey.


  • Options
    #13
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,816 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Heres a few articles about what genderfluid means though obviously OP noone here is saying that you are definitely genderfluid - more that it might be a possibility and obviously only you can determine your own identity

    https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/beyond-the-binary-what-does-it-mean-to-be-genderfluid-1.2418434

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201807/guide-genderqueer-non-binary-and-genderfluid-identity

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #14
    Khumatmibro
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 76 ✭✭Khumatmibro


    safefromharm wrote: »
    a couple of years ago, i posted here asking for advice finding a dressing service in dublin and everyone was very helpful. i got in contact with someone offering this service and had a wonderful time. for a few different reasons i've sadly not been back since but the experience dispelled any doubt in my mind that i have a feminine side and i want to give life to it.

    so i've come back here looking for advice as i'm still in a state of confusion over... what exactly i am. ostensibly i'm a middle-aged white guy and my sexual preferences are solely for women. but i love dressing as a woman, i love wearing makeup, and i love the company and emotional support of my female friends. i don't feel the desire to transition (i'm comfortable with my masculine side too) but i love the idea of being two people but... the same person, if that makes sense?

    it's a side of myself that i've only discussed with a small, select group of my friends. and sadly it's proved to be troublesome when it comes to dating. i believe in being honest with partners so i've made a point of telling anyone i've matched with on "the apps" (god i hate the apps) that i love cross-dressing and the universal response has been: "that's cool but it's not what i want in a partner"

    not really sure where i'm going with this. i guess i'm just looking to see if there are others like me and how they navigate these feelings. does this sound familiar to anyone here?

    i hope my words haven't offended anyone. by definition as a white, straight man i've led a privileged life in comparison to trans people, to women, to gay people and i'm really conscious and concerned that i might be intruding on your space by asking these questions. it's not my intention to do that so please forgive me if any of this has triggered you. love and solidarity to all x

    J

    First of all drop the privilege talk nonsense OP, you haven't wronged anyone by simply existing so don't apologize for it.

    If this is sexual in nature then maybe try abstaining from porn and fantasies as much as possible. Try to fill your life with hobbies you derive pleasure from whatever they may be.


Advertisement