More than friends?

what the hell! · 03-01-2021 4:11pm #1

Hi everyone. Just looking for some advice or experience of the age old (head wrecking) question. Is it possible to change a friendship into a relationship?

So I've been friends now with a best friend for about 2 years. We initially met through a one night stand. That's all it was at the start. He left and didn't hear from him for another 2 weeks. We then got in contact and have been in constant contact ever since. We're like boyfriends just without the intimacy. In contact multiple times during the day, every day. Texts normally and then calls maybe twice a week. We meet up twice a week for a walk and a coffee or whatever. We go for our drives and our lunches. We get on very well obviously and take the mickey out of each other. We text each other about all the family bits and pieces.

We never speak about past relationships or boyfriends. Neither of us have ever asked! I was happy out and really enjoyed the friendship up until a few weeks ago but then something took over. The feelings started and it's driving me a bit mad since. After we hang out I just feel really crappy. Sometimes at the moment I feel like I'm too in my head when we meet and can't be myself.

The thing is I've never really had a proper gay friend. So maybe that's what's confusing me. I know gay guys can hang out and be good friends and leave it at that.

Anyway I'm just looking for advice. Should I suggest something? A date? Has it ever worked out for anyone? Is it worth it? Thanks!

Tig98 · 03-01-2021 8:58pm

You've had feelings for him but do you have the hots for him?

Overtime, I have latched onto the ideas of relationships with my gay friends, and vice versa. It can be really frustrating to have someone you're extremely close to and would in theory be a good match with, only for there to be absolutely zero sexual chemistry. Ye hooked up once so at one stage ye were (at least semi) attracted to each other, but when you get to know someone that kind of outward perception can fade. Have a **** and then see if you still feel the same about him, or if you just want someone like him.

what the hell! · 04-01-2021 10:36am

Thanks Tig. Did you ever bring it up with any of your friends when you felt like that? I would just be afraid of the reaction and that I might lose the friendship altogether. There’s definitely a sexual attraction on my side but of course don’t know how he’s thinking.

Tig98 · 04-01-2021 12:19pm

I never acted on it, and within time the feelings always passed. My reasoning was they were my friends for a reason, if something was gonna happen it would've already happened. Guess that's not something you really want to hear, but none of my friendships started out as one night stands so your situation is a bit different.

From being on the other side of this problem, you're definitely going about it the right way by being direct. One of my best friends sat me down and explained that he had developed feelings for me and that he didn't want to put any pressure on me, but he thought I should know. I didn't feel the same way but appreciated his honesty and how matter of fact he was. It was awkward for a few weeks where I felt I had to self-regulate around him but soon enough we were back to normal. In contrast to another friend who chanced me drunk and then read me to absolute **** in front of everyone when I declined.

For two best friends I think it's rather odd ye have never discussed past relationships, etc. It usually crops up in side-stories and tangents. Maybe it's worth bringing up the topic and seeing where you guys land.

Rick_ · 05-01-2021 1:12pm

How did you get back in contact after the one night stand? Who messaged first and what was the nature of that message?

Either you both are feeling the same and both are too shy to say anything for fear of rejection or the loss of the friendship, or, more likely (in my opinion) he genuinely just wanted a friendship and now has it, hence why nothing has happened in the past 2 years.

That's just how I see it, could be totally wrong. If it is something you feel strongly about, perhaps have a chat with him about things. Surely if he is as nice as you say and you get on so well, he would be flattered and let you down gently (if he wasn't interested) rather than just flat out reject you and never speak again. At least then you can concentrate on putting your romantic feelings towards someone else who will reciprocate.

what the hell! · 05-01-2021 8:39pm

Thanks guys. I'm sure he got in contact after the hook up and to be honest I can't remember what it was about. Just general chit chat I'd say and just went from there. I would imagine something would have happened since if there was any interest but he might be thinking the same as me and neither of us want to approach it. I might up the flirting over the next while and see if there's any bite!

Rick_ · 05-01-2021 8:55pm

Remember, if there's flirting and it leads to another one night stand that might make you feel worse. If he does pick up on your flirting and mentions it, remember to state that you'd like it to be more than a one night thing and you'd like to be more than friends with him, otherwise you're no better off than when you started!

what the hell! · 05-01-2021 9:03pm

PFML84 wrote: »

Remember, if there's flirting and it leads to another one night stand that might make you feel worse. If he does pick up on your flirting and mentions it, remember to state that you'd like it to be more than a one night thing and you'd like to be more than friends with him, otherwise you're no better off than when you started!

Very good point thanks. I definitely think if another one night thing happened I’d have more confidence to say it then. Plus couldn’t go through the head melt!

More than friends?

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