When did you realize how hard life can be?

watsonandcrick · 14-04-2021 1:48pm #1

They say that all of us, no matter how rich/poor, old/young will face many tough times in our lives.

What was the hardest experience you've had to go through?

Trigger Happy · 14-04-2021 2:01pm

This is going to be a cheery thread!

Doublebusy · 14-04-2021 2:05pm

watsonandcrick wrote: »

They say that all of us, no matter how rich/poor, old/young will face many tough times in our lives.

What was the hardest experience you've had to go through?

You go first

Gregor Samsa · 14-04-2021 2:05pm

In the space of a couple of years, I had one family member kill someone in an incident that was splashed across the national headlines for a week , and another family member killed in an accident that was splashed across the headlines for a week. We were only just beginning to come to terms with the first incident when the second one happened. That was a tumultuous few years.

Then just coming out of that, I got a phone call from my dad sayin he'd "just headed up to the hospital" because he "wasn't feeling the best". Very long-story-with-all-kinds-of -drama (including him going missing) short, it turns out he had both a severe heart condition and dementia. He went from complete independent and apparently healthy living to 8 months in hospital, followed by 2 years in a nursing home having no idea where he was or why he was there before he died last year. Still having a hard time wrapping my head around all that.

But look, that's all nothing compared to losing a child, or countless other tragedies that befall people, so I can't really complain.

Goodigal · 14-04-2021 2:18pm

When my husband stood in front of me and finally admitted he had been having an affair. But then told me he had fathered a child with the woman the previous summer. Could not comprehend what he had said. A terrible year followed but I survived.

This pandemic is a walk in the park compared to it!!

Sky King · 14-04-2021 2:20pm

This thread is going to instil in me feelings of gratitude for my life so far, combined with a sense of foreboding that some horrible tragedy is just around the corner.

14-04-2021 2:21pm

Had a few v.sick siblings and spent alot of time in hospiteals (crumlin etc) visiting em growing up

Growing old is a privilege,not gauranteed to anyone

Mimon · 14-04-2021 2:24pm

After the ****ting incident at my wedding

Lollipops23 · 14-04-2021 2:24pm

When my grandmother died in the May, my 29 year old friend diagnosed with cancer in the August, my aunt diagnosed with cancer in the Sept, my 11 year old cousin diagnosed with cancer in the December, going through a horrific break up in the Jan the next year and my friend losing her cancer battle in the March (6 months after her diagnosis).

All in 11 poxy months. That all happened 8 years ago and I'm still not the better for that run of crap.

Antares35 · 14-04-2021 2:26pm

My family taking the side of the man who sexually abused me as a child. But the fact that I've overcome that and managed to find my own happiness despite what happened, makes me proud

Most of us are made of more than we think.

Antares35 · 14-04-2021 2:27pm

Lollipops23 wrote: »

When my grandmother died in the May, my 29 year old friend diagnosed with cancer in the August, my aunt diagnosed with cancer in the Sept, my 11 year old cousin diagnosed with cancer in the December, going through a horrific break up in the Jan the next year and my friend losing her cancer battle in the March (6 months after her diagnosis).

All in 11 poxy months. That all happened 8 years ago and I'm still not the better for that run of crap.

I'm surprised you can still get out of bed!

blade1 · 14-04-2021 2:27pm

watsonandcrick wrote: »

They say that all of us, no matter how rich/poor, old/young will face many tough times in our lives.

What was the hardest experience you've had to go through?

Its probably harder it's going to get.

Hyperbollix · 14-04-2021 2:28pm

In the last couple of years I've lost a parent who was like a best friend (got to old age and died peacefully) and have lost friendships that I once thought were closer than family and would last for life. I was mistaken.

I think if we're lucky, we get to go through our youth blissfully unaware of how fragile life can be. Then we all reach an age when time catches up with us. People close to you die off. You change. Other people change. Things aren't like they were and you know they never will be. You just have to pick up the pieces and move on, begin again. If you can get to the grand old age of 40 odd before you realize these truths, you've had a good run.

Lollipops23 · 14-04-2021 2:45pm

Antares35 wrote: »

I'm surprised you can still get out of bed!

Things have been generally a LOT better since- despite losing the aunt and being diagnosed with MS in the intervening years!!
I think I did have a prolonged nervous breakdown in the year or so after all that stuff 8 years ago tbh. I certainly wasn't in great shape emotionally for a while after.

poisonated · 15-04-2021 1:08am

Probably when I developed ocd or at least when it became severe. It’s strange to be a prisoner in your own mind.

.anon. · 15-04-2021 1:59am

Personally, my mother's death was the hardest thing I've gone through. But I was an adult when that happened. I knew how hard life could be long before that. One of my mother's best friends died very suddenly in her early thirties, leaving behind five children. She just didn't wake up one morning. I would've been around 9 or 10 at the time and it made me very aware of how lucky I was, and also of the fragility of it all. I spent a great deal of my childhood obsessively worrying about stuff like that.

BrianD3 · 15-04-2021 10:18am

I probably had an above average awareness of death from an early age as my parents were old and I only ever knew one of my grandparents. My father's first major health scare (suspected prostate cancer) happened when I was 10, an aunt died when I was 12 and an uncle when I was 20. After that there was a good run up until I was about 30-32, that was the start of my realisation as it has been a litany of illness, dementia and death since then. Am mid 40s now, almost all of my parents' generation, their siblings, inlaws, friends, golf buddies and neighbours are gone now with those left are not in a good way.

Some of my 1st cousins are dead now too.

Like many men I'm not good at making friends and drifted away from those I did have after a good run.

Had difficulties in work too, a few years ago management seemed to genuinely know and care about staff, afford them promotional opportunities etc.. That management retired and their replacements don't know the staff and their idea of caring consists of organising ass covering mindfulness and resilience courses.

15-04-2021 10:27am

The effect of fupping up my final year in college many years ago has had. No alma mater for me. I take full responsibility.

McGinniesta · 15-04-2021 11:12am

I don't know this for sure but I imagine that most people will have had at least one experience of unrequited love.

I was in my mid twenties when it happened and it nearly drove me mad.

Surreptitious · 15-04-2021 11:53am

Nobody told you life was goanna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's DOA

Pamsteer · 15-04-2021 12:14pm

McGinniesta wrote: »

I don't know this for sure but I imagine that most people will have had at least one experience of unrequited love.

I was in my mid twenties when it happened and it nearly drove me mad.

This, more unrequited love than requited.

mohawk · 15-04-2021 12:21pm

Step father was an abusive drunk. My mother met him when I was two. So from a very young age I knew life could be real ****. My mother picked him over me but luckily other family stepped in and I spent my teenage years with them. I know it could of gone worse for me if I had stayed there or ended up in care.

It took a long time to manage to fallout from that. I ended up pregnant with someone who did not treat me with respect. A family friend helped me realise that I was blaming myself for what had happened and that how could I be to blame when I was only a child. Now I have a happy child and with a new man. Honestly I just really appreciate the good times.

Gregor Samsa · 15-04-2021 1:45pm

McGinniesta wrote: »

I don't know this for sure but I imagine that most people will have had at least one experience of unrequited love.

I was in my mid twenties when it happened and it nearly drove me mad.

Early 20s for me, was tough going at the time. I still know the person now. Turns out I didn't so much dodge a bullet as the entire US Marine Corps.

15-04-2021 2:19pm

Alcoholism has been a fixture in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I would obsessively worry if my father would crash the car and kill someone when he was out after work. Literally we are talking 6/7 onwards and a few earlier things. I remember hanging off his leg crying at the same age when he threatened to kill himself after a fight with my mother.

He did do it, but many years later.

My mother is currently an alcoholic, has been for 15 plus years and I've had to cut her out of my life. The final straw was when I poured all her drink out and she went to the guards with an assault allegation against me and obtained barring and safety orders. All I wanted to do was help.

All this has resulted in a pretty tough first 33 years. Childhood traumas never leave. The emotional scars are tough to overcome. I notice the same with my younger siblings. I've had to bite my tongue so many times with people when they make suicide jokes etc.

So yes, so far it's been **** but I'm optimistic there are better days for me and my siblings.

My parents were/are not bad people. They never physically hurt us. It was all emotional and the lack of a capacity to realise what they were doing. Just very overwhelmed by their demons.

The One Doctor · 15-04-2021 2:27pm

My sister in law had a stillbirth unexpectedly at 42 weeks. Going in to Holles St to meet a competely still, rock hard (rigor mortis) purple baby with the skin coming off his little face, speaking at the farewell ceremony... that was probably the hardest thing I've had to do.

I'm still glad I met the poor little guy. I have a reputation for avoiding dead bodies, but it was the only chance I'd ever get to see him.

That said, it was far worse for the parents. Only now, 5 years later have they had a live, healthy baby and we love her devotedly. You could put a skip full of gold and jewels on the floor and we'd never even glance at them when she's around.

I have another kid on the way this year, fun times!

the beer revolu · 15-04-2021 2:47pm

Honestly, I believe I have a charmed life.
But, I only have to step outside the door or look at my phone to see that the world is a miserable place full of hardship, nastiness and depression.

It feels like most sadness in my life is as a result of just looking around me.
So many people have such sad, difficult, miserable lives that it makes me sad.

Bigmac1euro · 15-04-2021 3:04pm

My mother dying suddenly before I hit 21 and not being able to say goodbye and to be left with an alcoholic father who can barely look after himself and a brother who isn’t far behind. My Mam was my world but life goes on and it does get easier but the 1-2 years after her death was a place I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Happily turning the big 30 shortly and loving the fact I purchased a house in Dublin before 30 with a partner I love very much. Her death gave me a drive in life like I never believed as around her death and before all I did was party and consume the wrong things. To anyone grieving who reads this, it will get easier.

FlubberJones · 15-04-2021 3:11pm

A family member getting involved in class A drugs.... no matter how bad it looks on TV or what you hear about... it is SO MUCH WORSE than that.... It is mind blowing how bad it gets.

I just reread my words and it makes my heart race and the feeling of nausea... ffs its burned into me.

ger vallely · 15-04-2021 3:16pm

My father died suddenly,I was an adult. Then my mother took a bad stroke which left her in a hospice eventually. While sitting with her a few days before she passed she was distressed, asking me if I definitely loved her, then saying that she was sure I did, but did I really. I comforted her, my youngest daughter and my one and only sister were there too. Just after the funeral my sister told me she had made sure our mother died knowing I didn't love her. My sister (single, 5 years older than me)had moved back home with my mother after dad died, I lived the other side of the country with my family. Later on I thought back on the things my sister had said and done over the years and I realised our connection was fake. Had been nothing all along. I don't mind that I will never forgive her for what she obviously put into my mother's head, I just find it sick that there are people like this in the world. And I was down on myself for so long that I hadn't seen it all before. I just hope my mother believed me as she passed. That's when I realised people really and truly can be twisted and sick even though others do not see it.

Kalimah · 15-04-2021 3:41pm

Back in the mid 80s when I was in my early 20s my paternal grandmother died in the June. one uncle died in the October, followed by his mother( my maternal grandmother) two weeks later. My maternal grandfather the following June, and my mother in July. We did nothing but go to funerals. It was horrendous.
Took years to get over.

15-04-2021 10:10pm

ger vallely wrote: »

My father died suddenly,I was an adult. Then my mother took a bad stroke which left her in a hospice eventually. While sitting with her a few days before she passed she was distressed, asking me if I definitely loved her, then saying that she was sure I did, but did I really. I comforted her, my youngest daughter and my one and only sister were there too. Just after the funeral my sister told me she had made sure our mother died knowing I didn't love her. My sister (single, 5 years older than me)had moved back home with my mother after dad died, I lived the other side of the country with my family. Later on I thought back on the things my sister had said and done over the years and I realised our connection was fake. Had been nothing all along. I don't mind that I will never forgive her for what she obviously put into my mother's head, I just find it sick that there are people like this in the world. And I was down on myself for so long that I hadn't seen it all before. I just hope my mother believed me as she passed. That's when I realised people really and truly can be twisted and sick even though others do not see it.

That is one of the most awful things I have ever read

To hurt your mother when she was so close to the end. Your mam I am sure knew the truth.

El Gato De Negocios · 15-04-2021 10:26pm

Losing our first pregnancy. Got to 12 weeks, blissful in our ignorance, had 12 week scan, doctor said there was a problem, missus had tests done, confirmed the worst, waited for it to happen. Horrendous few weeks, I have never cried as much before or since and genuinely feel a part of me died during that time. Thankfully we now have two wonderful, beautiful, children but I still think about their big brother by times.

McGinniesta · 15-04-2021 11:21pm

ger vallely wrote: »

My father died suddenly,I was an adult. Then my mother took a bad stroke which left her in a hospice eventually. While sitting with her a few days before she passed she was distressed, asking me if I definitely loved her, then saying that she was sure I did, but did I really. I comforted her, my youngest daughter and my one and only sister were there too. Just after the funeral my sister told me she had made sure our mother died knowing I didn't love her. My sister (single, 5 years older than me)had moved back home with my mother after dad died, I lived the other side of the country with my family. Later on I thought back on the things my sister had said and done over the years and I realised our connection was fake. Had been nothing all along. I don't mind that I will never forgive her for what she obviously put into my mother's head, I just find it sick that there are people like this in the world. And I was down on myself for so long that I hadn't seen it all before. I just hope my mother believed me as she passed. That's when I realised people really and truly can be twisted and sick even though others do not see it.

We never know what happens behind closed doors. Every family has their grubby little secret

Church on Tuesday · 16-04-2021 12:03am

ger vallely wrote: »

My father died suddenly,I was an adult. Then my mother took a bad stroke which left her in a hospice eventually. While sitting with her a few days before she passed she was distressed, asking me if I definitely loved her, then saying that she was sure I did, but did I really. I comforted her, my youngest daughter and my one and only sister were there too. Just after the funeral my sister told me she had made sure our mother died knowing I didn't love her. My sister (single, 5 years older than me)had moved back home with my mother after dad died, I lived the other side of the country with my family. Later on I thought back on the things my sister had said and done over the years and I realised our connection was fake. Had been nothing all along. I don't mind that I will never forgive her for what she obviously put into my mother's head, I just find it sick that there are people like this in the world. And I was down on myself for so long that I hadn't seen it all before. I just hope my mother believed me as she passed. That's when I realised people really and truly can be twisted and sick even though others do not see it.

I'm certain she knew you did. You made the effort to be there by her side. I'm not a parent but you are yourself and they say parents have a certain instinct for knowing these things. You have nothing to be guilty about and other people are irrelevant.

ger vallely · 16-04-2021 8:08am

McGinniesta wrote: »

We never know what happens behind closed doors. Every family has their grubby little secret

Very true and I know my sister believed I didn't pull my weight some times when my mother was unwell. As I said I lived right across the country, I also had a young family, was working full time and was in college. I know now I did my best, I didn't believe in myself for so long. I can sleep easy knowing deep down that I did my best.

Gregor Samsa · 16-04-2021 9:31am

A couple of other defining moments spring to mind.

Coming from a loving home and a very happy childhood, the realisation of how prevalent child abuse within families was, and likely still is. I know a large number of people (adults) now who were seriously abused as children - some of them by the same people, and it's mind boggling how the perpetrators got away with it, even though as children they told their parents or other family members. People who would otherwise vocally be of the "hanging's too good for them" persuasion actually protecting serial abusers. I once had someone tell me that I was wrong to have phoned an abuser and tell him to stay away from one of his victims at family events (at the explicit request of one of the victims), because "you can't tell someone to stay away from a birthday party". The amount of covering up, turning a blind eye and "leave bygones be bygones" that goes on in some families in relation to serious crimes was a shocking eyeopener.

Another time I had a conversation with a friend of a friend who told me about how she discovered her husband was a paedophile shortly after they were married in the 70s. He hadn't abused his own children (and was abhorred that the suggestion that he might), but had done so to a neighbour's child. The police were called, but they didn't even talk to him - they came to his wife and simply told her to keep an eye on him. When she confronted him about it, he admitted his attraction to young children. Being the 70s, she went to a priest for advice - who told her that she had made a promise to God to stick with him in marrying him, and all she could do was pray for him and make sure that his "needs were properly catered for". She eventually got the courage and means to leave him, and even 40 years later, the whole thing haunted her.

Dub Ste · 16-04-2021 9:43am

When you realise that you have failed in your duty as a father to your son......I hope he will forgive me in years to come

biko · 16-04-2021 11:15am

I was homeless for a while in London.
That wasn't a nice experience.

razorblunt · 16-04-2021 2:01pm

This will pale in significance to a lot of what was said already but there's something about losing a parent early in your life that comes back, repeatedly and bites you in the árse repeatedly. I lost my Mam as a teenager, everything changes, it never really gets better but it does get easier. The older you get and the more life events you have the more it comes back up. Graduating? She's not there. First big job? She's not there. Engaged? Married? Becoming a parent for the first time? Same.

Miscarriage too. I've never known anything like the highs of finding out your pregnant to being told it's gone/not going to happen. As a the Father too you really can't do anything. In a way, it's a relief its become more talked about now, there's great support available.

Antares35 · 16-04-2021 2:56pm

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

A couple of other defining moments spring to mind.

Coming from a loving home and a very happy childhood, the realisation of how prevalent child abuse within families was, and likely still is. I know a large number of people (adults) now who were seriously abused as children - some of them by the same people, and it's mind boggling how the perpetrators got away with it, even though as children they told their parents or other family members. People who would otherwise vocally be of the "hanging's too good for them" persuasion actually protecting serial abusers. I once had someone tell me that I was wrong to have phoned an abuser and tell him to stay away from one of his victims at family events (at the explicit request of one of the victims), because "you can't tell someone to stay away from a birthday party". The amount of covering up, turning a blind eye and "leave bygones be bygones" that goes on in some families in relation to serious crimes was a shocking eyeopener.

Another time I had a conversation with a friend of a friend who told me about how she discovered her husband was a paedophile shortly after they were married in the 70s. He hadn't abused his own children (and was abhorred that the suggestion that he might), but had done so to a neighbour's child. The police were called, but they didn't even talk to him - they came to his wife and simply told her to keep an eye on him. When she confronted him about it, he admitted his attraction to young children. Being the 70s, she went to a priest for advice - who told her that she had made a promise to God to stick with him in marrying him, and all she could do was pray for him and make sure that his "needs were properly catered for". She eventually got the courage and means to leave him, and even 40 years later, the whole thing haunted her.

This makes me so angry. When I finally told my family about being abused (by another family member) they went to every length possible to villify me. I was accused of being an alcoholic and an elder abuser. Even though other women came forward and said this person had attempted to assault them in the recent past, the family have been in complete denial about, and he is still invited to family functions etc. They have zero regard for my welfare or feelings and would expect me to sit and play happy family at someone's birthday. It's all very "nothing to see here now, it was just a misdemeanor".

I've my own family now thankfully, and I've literally cut out everyone from my parents family except my parents, and I only stay on good terms with them in case they die - I want my own conscience to be clear. They see my child but only supervised and on my terms. I will never leave her alone with them.

I've been in touch with the guards about him and will likely progress this to see if I can build a case against him. But, it has been made very clear to me that I will be doing it alone, and I won't be thanked for it. Oh well, f*ck them.

Sorry rant

trixi001 · 16-04-2021 6:09pm

Being thrown out of my houseshare and my friends and a lot of my extended family all disowning me, due to nothing I had done, but something my on/off boyfriend did (and it wasn't a crime or drugs or anything like that, and i didn't know about it until afterwards, and had decided to leave him over it..)

The thing is they pushed me even closer to him by doing this as he was about all i had left.

Now - i always understood their reasoning, but never their timing, i could have done with a bit of support from them for at least a few days before dropping their decision on me that they wanted me to leave the house.

It was a difficult time, and still hurts now even over 15 years later as basically i realised how little i meant to the people i thought i mattered too. It made me guarded around people for years later, and i found it difficult to let people in.

But it was also good for me, i became very independent, and at least i found out then who my real friends were, and have such a close relationship with them now.

Yyhhuuu · 17-04-2021 2:11am

biko wrote: »

I was homeless for a while in London.
That wasn't a nice experience.

Can you elaborate about the experience how it came about and what it was like?

mark_jmc · 17-04-2021 2:45am

My wife and I unexpectedly losing a baby 16 weeks into pregnancy. To make matters worse, I wasn’t at the appointment at which she found this out, at the same time I was getting an MRI to determine how far the cancer that I had been diagnosed with just the day before had spread.

17-04-2021 7:41am

McGinniesta wrote: »

I don't know this for sure but I imagine that most people will have had at least one experience of unrequited love.

I was in my mid twenties when it happened and it nearly drove me mad.

I had this. The thing that got me through it was the words of Phil Lynott - "if that chick don't wanna know forget her...." So simple but always helped me snap out of whatever funk I was in. There is always more fish in the sea.

Wanderer78 · 17-04-2021 7:44am

watsonandcrick wrote:

What was the hardest experience you've had to go through?

A lifetime of struggling with mental health issues, and id class mine as relatively mild, compared to others. Happy Saturday!

17-04-2021 7:49am

Life was fine and out of nowhere, my ex and I were sharing appointments with a nephrologist in our 20s. She got lupus nephritis and I have extreme proteinuria that's so bad, she was hospitalised for less. No doctor I've seen can work out why I have it, so I just ignore it. It's such an anomaly, they all say they've never seen anything like it.

It was a really bad year and I lost my job due to the stress of it. Took a year off and lived off savings while I worked it out mentally.

the beer revolu · 17-04-2021 9:14am

Being self employed and knocked out of work through injury. No income, big spends on physiotherapy and drugs, a lot of pain and worry. Watching savings dwindle away hoping something starts to come in before it's all gone.
It did,thankfully.

At the time the state were no help but thankfully things are better for self employed people, now.

When did you realize how hard life can be?

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