Heartbroken

ZeroCool17 · 20-02-2019 8:22am #1

Hi all,

I suppose i just wanted to get my feelings out there. I was with my partner for over a year. It was my first gay relationship. We both came out together last year. I'm in my 30's and she's in her 40's. She has 3 kids. I was only starting to build a relationship with them. It was going amazing. But she suffers from depression. Out of the blue she wanted a break before Christmas. I was devastated. Then she changed her mind but then broke up again after Christmas.

I read a lot about depression and they all said keep in contact and be there to support them. So i did that by texts. But she said the other night that she doesn't love me anymore and move on. She doesn't see a future for us. She said she has to put her kids first and something had to give and that was us. This is the latest reason. I've had about 3 other reasons since Christmas. She is just a completely different person to who i fell in love with. It's like she changed overnight. It's so hard. And to top it all off i was dumped by text. No way would she meet face to face. So hard to have closure that way.

I have never been so sad in all my life. I have to go to work and try so hard not to break down. But as soon as i walk in the door at home in the evening i can't stop crying. I don't really know why I'm writing this. I come from a big family but no one really has asked me anything at all about it. I don't have a lot of friends either. So i'm kind of all alone in this. I'm just sad. Sad and heartbroken.

miamee · 20-02-2019 1:57pm

I'm so sorry to hear all of that ZeroCool17, it really is an awful time when you have your heart broken especially for the first time.

It sounds like maybe she wasn't ready for a relationship - she might not even realise this herself but instead she is coming up with a few different reasons as to why the relationship has to end. It might seem very important to you now to have a "good reason" for the ending of the relationship but the fact she doesn't want to be in a relationship is all you need to know. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

If you can, confide in a good friend about how you feel and spend more time with your friends and family instead of spending the evenings alone crying. You need lots of distraction and activity to get you through this period. I'd advise not contacting her any more to see how she is - you need to start looking after yourself now.

i hope you feel better soon x

ZeroCool17 · 20-02-2019 7:36pm

Thank you Miamee for replying. Work was very hard today. She passes where i work a few times a day so that's quite hard for me at the moment to keep seeing her but no avoiding it. I'm home now crying but I'm going to call out home in a while for a cuppa. When the red eyes die down a bit! I'm a very private person and someone who doesn't cry in front of people so I won't stay out there long I'd say.

I suppose it felt so sudden. We had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We were loving life and boom. Done. Just so confused. Maybe you're right. Maybe she just isn't ready for one. Maybe someday we might be in the right time in both our lives for it to work. But i suppose for now i need to try and move on. Will take a long long time though. It's a shame, because she really is an amazing woman.

dory · 20-02-2019 8:03pm

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this is very common. Lesbian relationships, especially someone's first, can be very intense. But they can also crash and burn as fast as they started. Happened me and I read a lot about it online. It can be especially so if someone has only ever dated men. They then find a relationship with their preferred gender and they see what's been missing! Break ups can be like bereavements, you just have to look after yourself until you come to terms with it.

Hedgelayer · 20-02-2019 8:06pm

Sounds like you've a lot of good things to say about her, and you're not bitter about it.

So in other words, You're priority is right and you have dignity.
Not leaving a trail of resentments is good.

Living a straight life for year's is hard, especially when it's always shadowing you.

She has three kid's and they'll always be coming first, and I'm sure you know that.

Give yourself some credit for acknowledging she's a good person, and you don't hate her.

Detaching with love and understanding is much more powerful than detaching with bitterness and fear.

You'll be happy with someone some day, you've a great attitude and willingness to move forward.

You'll be ok

Mind yourself OP

ginandtonicsky · 20-02-2019 8:21pm

Well done for being so brave in coming out. Well done for being honest and courageous in your search for happiness.

It gets better. It’s a cliche that you won’t appreciate now, but time really does heal. And it also brings perspective, you get a dose of understanding and appreciation for everything the relationship gave you. I look back on my ex and am so grateful for his love, how much he showed me that there’s someone out there that can love and adore me that much. I can also see that he wasn’t the right person for me, but one day someone will be.

You’ll see that too someday. It’ll inspire you to try again with someone new.

For now, hang in there. Keep crying, eventually it peters out! Get into a healthy sleep routine, eat regular meals, exercise every day. If you do those three things it can really speed up the healing and perspective. You’ll be grand in time x

ZeroCool17 · 20-02-2019 11:02pm

Thank you to you all for the kind messages. It was good to call out home tonight. I fought back the tears there. Just about. I told them that we were finished for good. It was hard to say out loud. But i needed to say it.

I would never say anything bad about her. Before her I was hiding who I was and because of her I became the real me for the first time in my life. It was a very lonely life before her. She wished me well and I wished her and the kids well. We wave when we see each other. It's hard to think I'd ever love someone as much as I love her.

I do get out and walk or run. I started a hobby course 1 night a week too. Sleep and food is my problem at the moment but I'll get there with that too i guess.

2 days of work left and then off for 3. Thank god because I need a break from people. Hard to put on a smile for customers for 8 hours a day when you just want to curl up into a ball. Such is life I guess.

Thank you all xxx

stop animal cruelty · 20-02-2019 11:44pm

I'm so sorry to hear your heart break. I don't have any advice that would suddenly help get u over this, but I and 99% of people out there have gone through this too. And are in the same horrible dark hole as you. You will over come this, the Saddness won't last. Cry when u want to. Eat ****e when u want to. Look after yourself, unfortunately it's just life. You will find love again. Take care x

joeguevara · 23-02-2019 4:55am

I really feel for you. This must be heart breaking because not only have you broken up with your girl friend, probably the first person you loved and also so significant in your first gay relationship and was such a positive change in your life.

That is way more to deal with than a normal break up so make sure you have all the support and love around you. My advice is not take too much cognizance in what she said. She may be being abrupt to help you or something else. It doesn’t matter. It may be something that you can’t hear but you can’t rely on her texts or her company any more. Cut all contact.

I completely agree about not wanting anything negative said about her. She is an integral part of your life and did so much for you. But if it’s over then you can’t hold on to that. Positive memories of course but remember you probably thought you would never find someone. You did. And you will find someone again.

Keep yourself and mind occupied, allow yourself to weep but not for long. Really hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser · 23-02-2019 11:15am

OP, sorry to hear you're going through this
What you are feeling is normal. It's OK to feel this way. You seem to have your head screwed on & your posts are rational & very human.

Allow yourself to feel all this. Continue living your life as best you can.

Time & experience and continuing with life will just gradually ease your pain. (Cliche!!)

You'll be good

ZeroCool17 · 23-02-2019 11:19am

Thank you joeguevara. It is a lot to deal with. She was my first love. And being from a small town It's not like there is a big gay scene. Or any gay scene

Not that I want to go down that road for a long time again. I definitely need space and time to heal. I'm glad to be off today. I haven't told too many people so I'm just keeping to myself. Still crying at random times. Just out of nowhere. Really struggling with sleep.

We used to text so much everyday and meet nearly everyday so It's a struggle not having that company anymore. The last time we text was Sunday and we said goodbye. I won't be texting her again. Contact has been cut. I hope she's doing okay too. As you said maybe she's being abrupt for me to move on. But i suppose that doesn't mean that she's doing okay too. She's a good person and a fantastic mother. She deserves the best in life. And i wish that for her.

But now i need to worry about myself. A weekend of a few drinks and crappy fast food! Stocked up on doritos and dip! I might even buy myself some ice cream! From the movies, ice cream always helps

My weekend to wallow! I think i need that. And hopefully this will help me on my way.

Thanks again to all who replied. It does help to hear kind words from all of ye.

joeguevara · 23-02-2019 11:59am

ZeroCool17 wrote: »

Thank you joeguevara. It is a lot to deal with. She was my first love. And being from a small town It's not like there is a big gay scene. Or any gay scene Not that I want to go down that road for a long time again. I definitely need space and time to heal. I'm glad to be off today. I haven't told too many people so I'm just keeping to myself. Still crying at random times. Just out of nowhere. Really struggling with sleep.

We used to text so much everyday and meet nearly everyday so It's a struggle not having that company anymore. The last time we text was Sunday and we said goodbye. I won't be texting her again. Contact has been cut. I hope she's doing okay too. As you said maybe she's being abrupt for me to move on. But i suppose that doesn't mean that she's doing okay too. She's a good person and a fantastic mother. She deserves the best in life. And i wish that for her.

But now i need to worry about myself. A weekend of a few drinks and crappy fast food! Stocked up on doritos and dip! I might even buy myself some ice cream! From the movies, ice cream always helps My weekend to wallow! I think i need that. And hopefully this will help me on my way.

Thanks again to all who replied. It does help to hear kind words from all of ye.

Wallowing is definitely needed. Loads of ice cream, crappy rom coms, Whitney Houston and a box of Kleenex and a good cry. But give yourself a week and then try and stop crying. It may feel good but becomes a habit. Remember that you blew someone away to make them love you. That’s amazing and you can do it again. You are not defined by having a partner but it certainly rocks. Do things that make you happy, go dancing be free. If you want a song don’t feel guilty. Try not to do a rebound as rarely works out.

Cutting contact is hard. Especially if she had kids that you interacted. You will hear a song that kicks you in the ribs. Smell her perfume. Walk past a shop that he used to love. Set backs will happen but not the end of the world.

You have done the hard part. Now live and love your life knowing that.

ZeroCool17 · 16-03-2019 9:15am

Hey all,

I'm having a hard week of it and feel maybe typing this out might help me. I was doing okay. Not crying as much the last 2 weeks but this week I just can't stop crying again. Maybe because it's coming up to Paddys Day tomorrow. I'm not sure. I'm just so sad. I've cried so much I'm so worn out by it and you can see it by my face. I look brutal with big black bags under my eyes.

I'm honestly at the point of wondering should i go to the doctor and get them to give me something. I'm not really sleeping. Bed last night at half 1 and awake at 5:45 this morning and as soon as i wake my mind is racing going over everything again. I just can't stop it. It's killing me. I live alone so talking to myself over and over.

I'm also wondering if i should move back home for a few weeks and just have that company. My mother would love it. But then would i just be back to square 1 again when i leave there. Should i just stick this out and get on with it?

Porklife · 16-03-2019 3:50pm

ZeroCool17 wrote: »

Hey all,

I'm having a hard week of it and feel maybe typing this out might help me. I was doing okay. Not crying as much the last 2 weeks but this week I just can't stop crying again. Maybe because it's coming up to Paddys Day tomorrow. I'm not sure. I'm just so sad. I've cried so much I'm so worn out by it and you can see it by my face. I look brutal with big black bags under my eyes.

I'm honestly at the point of wondering should i go to the doctor and get them to give me something. I'm not really sleeping. Bed last night at half 1 and awake at 5:45 this morning and as soon as i wake my mind is racing going over everything again. I just can't stop it. It's killing me. I live alone so talking to myself over and over.

I'm also wondering if i should move back home for a few weeks and just have that company. My mother would love it. But then would i just be back to square 1 again when i leave there. Should i just stick this out and get on with it?

The thing about heartbreak is that there is no escaping it, you just have to tough it out. There will be good days, there will be mediocre days and you better believe there will be bad days. I remember breaking up with my bf of eight years and feeling absolutely devasted. Anything could trigger a melt down. I remember being in a bar and Jeff Buckley came on. Que floods of tears and me having to leave. I couldn't sleep or eat. I could barely breath. I drank my ass off and honestly felt like I'd never smile or be happy again but guess what... I've since smiled a gazillion times and have had many happy times. I never thought I'd see the day where he meant nothing to me. My sister always says a sign you're truly over someone is when you hear their
name and you don't flinch. A weird thing ends up happening where the idea of being with them actually repels you!
Time is an amazing healer and really the only healer. It's so hard at the time but it will get better. If only I could take my own advice. I'm currently sitting here trying so hard to resist texting my ex (a guy who callously dropped me two weeks ago in a horrible way). I know he's so wrong for me and yet I'm tempted to contact him. I won't do it though cos I have self respect.
You come across as a lovely person OP and you will find love again. Be strong. I wish you all the best.

wiggle16 · 16-03-2019 6:50pm

No one here can advise you whether or not to go to the doctor but I think counselling would benefit you and you should probably look into that first before medication. Medication has its uses, it gets a bad rap it definitely doesn't deserve, but for stuff like this it is largely a delaying tactic. You still have to confront what happened and learn to cope with how you're feeling. Of course you need to do whatever you need to do - so do that.

You will feel better over time, I promise. It's not fair that the universe has set that as the condition for feeling better, but it just takes time. Going back home for a spell sounds like a good idea under the cicumstances. It will take your mind off it to be around other people, and to feel cared about again. It might let you draw a line under it too.

You do have people who care about you, don't forget that. I hope you feel better soon OP. Please mind yourself.

And take your time.

X

Calypso Realm · 16-03-2019 7:21pm

Dear OP-I'm so sorry to hear your feeling so low at the moment. It's a truly horrible place to be, but as the others have said, it will get better, with time. Honestly.

You mention you're not sleeping well but what about diet and exercise? The latter is especially good as it releases endorphins, which should help a lot to make you feel better, improve mood etc. Also helps a lot with sleep.

While I agree with the counselling, I think you sound as if you also need some good diversionary tactics as well eg nights out with friends or better still a few days, or longer away from it all. Have you any holiday plans for this year as at least this would give you something nice to look forward to? If not, I would certainly look into this!

Hope you begin to feel better soon! Which you will!

ZeroCool17 · 16-03-2019 9:41pm

Thanks for all the replies. I think ye are right about medication. I'll hold off on that unless I think I get worse. I'll maybe look into counselling. I just don't know if that is for me.

I do go running and my diet is quite good. I just jeep waking really early and as soon as I wake I think of her and start going over everything that happened over mad over. My brain won't switch off.

I have been looking at holidays. A week away in the sun. My problem is I'd have no one to go with and I don't know how I'd be for a week away by myself. I don't really have friends. I'll think a bit more about that.

PHG · 17-03-2019 3:35pm

Hi OP,

Regarding holiday on your own (I was meant to go away with my ex now going by myself) I did have an offer with 2 different mates but left it be as thought this to be a learning opportunity about myself.

Having talked to a few mates and others, all are saying that going on your own can be amazing. 1 of them only holidays by himself each year!!!

I am using a company called Contiki and they have been easy to use. Its an 18-35s holiday with 20ish others so forces you to interact and be social.

Best of luck with it all. Its really s**t mentally and emotionally but you will get there!

ZeroCool17 · 17-03-2019 10:01pm

PHG wrote: »

Hi OP,

Regarding holiday on your own (I was meant to go away with my ex now going by myself) I did have an offer with 2 different mates but left it be as thought this to be a learning opportunity about myself.

Having talked to a few mates and others, all are saying that going on your own can be amazing. 1 of them only holidays by himself each year!!!

I am using a company called Contiki and they have been easy to use. Its an 18-35s holiday with 20ish others so forces you to interact and be social.

Best of luck with it all. Its really s**t mentally and emotionally but you will get there!

Ya that's a good idea. I'd scrape by with the age limit! I have done group travels before but with a friend with me so i know what they are like. Sorry to hear about your break up too. I hope you're doing okay. Best of luck to you and safe travels!

Heartbroken

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