Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

MrMojoRising · 03-02-2011 9:42pm

My moods seem to be up and down on an hourly basis these days. I don't know what's going on. One minute i'm flying. Feeling really great. Couple of hours later i'm in a slump. Feel like a yo yo right now.

pheasant tail · 04-02-2011 2:24am

During the day,im not in a good mood but just and about acceptable,but then the evenings,after 7 o clock and on i slowly get more and more upset and crying and all the bad thoughts begin building up

bob50 · 04-02-2011 11:21pm

MJ232EI wrote: »

I've been following this thread for a while, just trying to pluck up the courage to post my own story. So, yeah...

I turned 18 near the beginning of January. Since I was in primary school I remember being bullied badly, however I remember swallowing it and just blocking it out (In retrospect I was a child, so I didn't know how bad that was!). That went on outside school too, in any activities I tried (summer camp, and what not). I, again, blocked it out. Once I started secondary school I had no idea how to be friends with someone. I considered it a given that everyone was over there and I was here. I still do to an extent. I suppose my real problems came in Second Year, when I ran out of room for emotions to store. It began coming up. I remember randomly crying at the bus stop, screaming, shouting, hitting things. This was all in private, except for the bus stop obviously

I didn't keep this up. Towards the end of 2nd year I began to resort to self-harm. This severely escalated in 3rd year. I seemed to be the lackey for the year - people had their stresses about the Junior Cert, I was their relief. I attempted suicide 3 weeks before the Junior Cert.. Thankfully I survived, unknown to anyone here, and carried on. I've made it a rule, never to attempt that ever again. I'm sticking to that!

I kept self-harming, not telling a soul about things up to that Christmas. I quit SH-ing. I made it 384 days. I finally caved on New Year's Night, 2010. I ended up deeper in the pit. 384 days of the same old "block it out" routine hurt worse than before. My moods became erratic. My moods change uncontrollably. It's affecting my school work badly. I sometimes see delusions, some random but some flashing back to "friends'" abusing me, and primary school.

I still SH. Not badly. Not endangering. Just do it to cope.

November last I had enough. I went to my GP who referred me on to James's. The week after my 18th I met with a new psychiatrist there, who couldn't diagnose me. All he could do is refer me to a counselor for the time being. (On the phone he mentioned a psychiatric ward twice...).

I've not heard back from him since. I was to hear from him by that Friday, the 15th. I've rang twice. To no avail. This is literally my only shot at professional help. I can't afford private, it HAS to be HSE.

So yeah, that's my little rant over and done with

First of all well done in gettting the courage to post here

As another poster already says it would be a good idea to get in touch with your gp he /she must have a fastrack way of getting in touch with the Psych Doc.

I really do hope you get better and best of luck

Take care my friend.. Bob

Tags · 05-02-2011 9:08pm

Does anyone else here feel miserable on Saturday night?

MrMojoRising · 05-02-2011 9:25pm

Tags wrote: »

Does anyone else here feel miserable on Saturday night?

Yes. That and every other night :rolleyes:

Tags · 05-02-2011 9:28pm

MrMojoRising wrote: »

Yes. That and every other night :rolleyes:

Like it's a night when normal people go out and be happy. Just wrecks my head that I can't enjoy that experience at all.

KnifeWRENCH · 06-02-2011 4:06am

I've posted here a couple of times so may aswell update my story.

I went to the doctor's last week because I had a horribly sore throat. My normal GP wasn't there (didn't make appointment, just went to see whoever was doing an open surgery) and so saw a different doctor.

Aswell as giving me medicine for my throat, he started asking me about my mood and stuff after looking at my medical history. I had been on 15mg of Lexapro a day for a month (after several months of 10mg) and hadn't felt any difference. So he prescribed me 20mg, and then told me that it was the highest dosage a GP is allowed prescribe.

I'm torn between gratitude and horror. I can honestly say I've felt the effect of the 20mg dose over the past week and a half (something I never felt with the 15mg) but I can't believe I'm on the highest dose a GP is allowed give. That really made me think; how the fúck have things gotten this bad?

Anyway, I've been seeing a counsellor too. It's always uncomfortable, because she makes me think about things I usually never do and makes me soul search a lot more than I'm used to. But she seems to know what she's doing.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist aswell. I'm hoping that will go ok.

Overall, I feel that a lot will depend on how college goes over the next few weeks. My final year exams will dictate what degree I get and dictate my future. If all goes well, I can see myself recovering and getting on with my life much quicker. If it doesn;t go well, I know I'm gonna be stuck in a hole for a long long time.

2011 is a make or break year. It's pretty terrifying....

(Apologies for blog-length post!

I'm actually gonna copy and paste it to my blog now because that's prob where it belongs....)

Princess Peach · 06-02-2011 4:52am

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I've posted here a couple of times so may aswell update my story.

I went to the doctor's last week because I had a horribly sore throat. My normal GP wasn't there (didn't make appointment, just went to see whoever was doing an open surgery) and so saw a different doctor.

Aswell as giving me medicine for my throat, he started asking me about my mood and stuff after looking at my medical history. I had been on 15mg of Lexapro a day for a month (after several months of 10mg) and hadn't felt any difference. So he prescribed me 20mg, and then told me that it was the highest dosage a GP is allowed prescribe.

I'm torn between gratitude and horror. I can honestly say I've felt the effect of the 20mg dose over the past week and a half (something I never felt with the 15mg) but I can't believe I'm on the highest dose a GP is allowed give. That really made me think; how the fúck have things gotten this bad?

Anyway, I've been seeing a counsellor too. It's always uncomfortable, because she makes me think about things I usually never do and makes me soul search a lot more than I'm used to. But she seems to know what she's doing.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist aswell. I'm hoping that will go ok.

Overall, I feel that a lot will depend on how college goes over the next few weeks. My final year exams will dictate what degree I get and dictate my future. If all goes well, I can see myself recovering and getting on with my life much quicker. If it doesn;t go well, I know I'm gonna be stuck in a hole for a long long time.

2011 is a make or break year. It's pretty terrifying....

(Apologies for blog-length post! I'm actually gonna copy and paste it to my blog now because that's prob where it belongs....)

I was given 20mgs from the very start. Its just the best way to see results fastest I think, you can always come down off it later. I'm on 10mg now and I think its only a little worse than 20, I do well most days I mean, but I still had bad days on 20 sure. Don't feel anyway bad about it! Speaking to a few friends a lot of people seem to start off on the highest does of whatever it is they take.

And I think its the best way for you to do well in college. I started on my meds towards the end of first semester my final year, which was a bit disastrous. I got a 2.2 average in that set of exams, but I did miss a few of them because of stress. But I was doing much better second semester because of meds and counselling, so I got a first in the end. Don't stress about finals too much. Just keep doing your work and take it all one day at a time.

You seem to be doing well, be proud of yourself for taking control and you'll come through this.

Wolfe Tone · 06-02-2011 4:55am

Ive been meaning to post in here for a while, but I dont know what to say really, still rumbling along

flyswatter · 07-02-2011 12:42am

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I've posted here a couple of times so may aswell update my story.

I went to the doctor's last week because I had a horribly sore throat. My normal GP wasn't there (didn't make appointment, just went to see whoever was doing an open surgery) and so saw a different doctor.

Aswell as giving me medicine for my throat, he started asking me about my mood and stuff after looking at my medical history. I had been on 15mg of Lexapro a day for a month (after several months of 10mg) and hadn't felt any difference. So he prescribed me 20mg, and then told me that it was the highest dosage a GP is allowed prescribe.

I'm torn between gratitude and horror. I can honestly say I've felt the effect of the 20mg dose over the past week and a half (something I never felt with the 15mg) but I can't believe I'm on the highest dose a GP is allowed give. That really made me think; how the fúck have things gotten this bad?

Anyway, I've been seeing a counsellor too. It's always uncomfortable, because she makes me think about things I usually never do and makes me soul search a lot more than I'm used to. But she seems to know what she's doing.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist aswell. I'm hoping that will go ok.

Overall, I feel that a lot will depend on how college goes over the next few weeks. My final year exams will dictate what degree I get and dictate my future. If all goes well, I can see myself recovering and getting on with my life much quicker. If it doesn;t go well, I know I'm gonna be stuck in a hole for a long long time.

2011 is a make or break year. It's pretty terrifying....

(Apologies for blog-length post! I'm actually gonna copy and paste it to my blog now because that's prob where it belongs....)

I was on 20mg a while back too. The depression was only secondary to something else but still I was on the maximum dose.

From that experience where my depression wasn't as bad as the other illness I had , I wouldn't be worried about being on that much.

Hope that helps.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2011 2:00am

Hey. Since around the time I turned 18 I have been drifting listlessly through life at the best of times, not ever experiencing pleasure/satisfaction from anything, including orgasm, (i am male which makes this more crazy) and at the worst of times i have been so severely depressed that i have been close to hallucination and suciide (sounds mad i know) where every aspect of life just feels to have some inherently "evil" quality to it..everything seems black. My sense of free-will has disappeared over the last few years (i am 22) and nowadays i just fill space between sleeping by going on the internet.. any thoughts?

07-02-2011 2:05am

I've been in and out of depressive episodes for over 11 years now and I can remember the exact moment which triggered it, more on that later. Every so often I feel like I need to cry about things and this is one of those times so I think I'll just say it all.

I lived in Ballyfermot, Dublin as a child. Was always a bit of an oddball and developed obsessive interests as I grew up. My first was with electronics, especially television, when my dad used to repair TVs and I'd be gawking in the back of the sets. School was never easy for me. I had no problem with the school work, in fact I was considered a "gifted child" at age 8 and had the vocabulary and spelling ability of someone ten years older than me. I now believe this to be Asperger Syndrome but have no official diagnosis of this. I wasn't in any way shy though, used to blabber about my interests to anyone I thought would listen. My godfather was a good listener for this sort of thing. I used to go to the Explorers Club in Marino College in order to "challenge my brain," kinda funny that I live somewhat near there now. Anyway, I was initially bullied at school for "looking like a girl" and in later primary school years was simply picked on because I took the insults so seriously and reacted in an aggressive way. I was never good with jokes and couldn't understand them. In fact I was once told by someone I knew that I was the most serious person she ever met in her life.

I didn't feel my parents were so helpful at the time; telling me at the time that I was "bringing it on myself." I did make one friend in primary school but that was about it. I don't have a huge number of memories from primary school in Ballyfermot, it's almost as if my mind has tried to block it out. I have some images but that's about it for the most part.

In 1995 when I was in 5th class my parents made the decision to move to Listowel in Kerry. We moved about 9 months later; it was a complete culture shock for me but I did mostly ok initially. But as my personality came out I started attracting attention again. I was solitary at that stage and remember someone making fun of me in the yard in 6th class for being with my "imaginary friend." Around the same time my family and myself used to travel back to Dublin by rail now and again. This ignited an interest in railways which I kept bottled up until 2006 but is another of my obsessions.

Come secondary school, again I was fine initially. But at the beginning of 2nd year my next obsessive interest came to fold, computers, and that quickly became a source of teasing. Looking back I wish I never touched the things, had I not then I may have had a career as a broadcast engineer now which is something I would have been more ambitious over. I started using computers, and chat rooms specifically, as a way to fill the void of not having any friends other than my one friend in Dublin, who I kept in touch with via phone once a week.

Now back to the depression trigger. One day in 3rd year the school was on lunch. For some reason the whole 6th year classes began a "stampede," charging down the hall, running over anyone in the way, including me. After being knocked to the ground and stood on a few times I was rather shook up. I know it wasn't directed at me personally but it was still a shock. I was sent home to calm down and returned the next morning; that day I was accused by one of my classmates of faking it to get the day off. I'm normally a very quiet person but on this occasion I snapped and threw him up against the wall, making some very lame attempts to hit him in the face (to be honest I just didn't have it in me to inflict damage). He, behind my back, organised to fight me at lunchtime that day. I had no interest in it and wanted to carry on, but on the lunch break he ran over to me with a crowd. I was with my brother at the time and he wasn't taking it either. He ended up getting involved, at which point the Gardai got involved as they were passing by. My brother was cautioned. From that day on I lost all interest in life and felt responsible for getting my brother in trouble. I stopped studying in school, my words were "what do these subjects have to do with anything I want to do after school?" and generally lost the will to do anything, something which I have never really recovered from. I also made it my intention to move back to Dublin at the earliest opportunity but the lack of will meant it took a long time to achieve this.

Since then I've had some breakthroughs, I managed to make a friend in Kerry through one of my brother's friends, he's double my age but I don't let that bother me. I also made a friend in 6th year via a shared interest in TV broadcasting. I made the move to Dublin and got a job in 2007, only to throw it away in May 2008 when I got tired of house sharing and moved back to Listowel. I considered it the worst mistake of my life and remained there for 4 bleak months when I amazingly got called back by my then former boss. Since then I've been living alone in Dublin, it costs me dearly but I can't see any other way.

The result of all of this is that I'm really hard on myself. I still isolate myself from the outside world though my laptop and living alone. I don't trust anyone outside my family except for maybe one or two, and just feel uneasy about doing anything outside of my comfort zone. On the other hand I'm desperately lonely and I've noticed this a lot over the last few days - I've been considering doing some things I'd never have done before (and go against every bone in my body) just for the sake of having some company. My fear now is that I'm so withdrawn that it might be impossible to make friends or find that special someone. I'm now extremely shy around most people, especially if I have any attraction to them. Most of my online friends are women, probably because I see men as a threat, due to all of my school bullies being boys.

The job is mostly ok but I have to answer phone calls and serve people who come in, which is something I dread every single day. On a couple of occasions, customers have lost the rag with me. When that happens I usually break down and can't take it, on one memorable occasion I ended up leaving the job for a few hours (upon advice from my boss) and taking a five mile walk. They're very supportive of me in there nonetheless. An example of me being way too hard on myself was when I accidentally sold a customer a copy of Kaspersky Anti-Virus instead of Kaspersky Internet Security, and when brought up on it by my boss I blurted out "what is wrong with me?"

When it comes to treatment, I have tried a few things. I was prescribed antidepressants in Kerry, was on 150mg Effexor XL at one point, but it only made me sick and didn't help much. It managed to make me sick on a bus from Listowel to Limerick and the embarrassment was enough to put me off. I was seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist a few months ago but it was very difficult for me to actually do what she expected of me, it was almost like I couldn't. But I don't want to live my whole life alone, I get envious of seeing public displays of affection as I never had that experience myself. Anyway, my previous appointment was cancelled due to the snow and was not rescheduled.

So that's me, plodding along from one day to the next, doing the same thing all the time. It's gone on far too long really but when you don't even feel motivated enough to get yourself out of it, it's a tough call.

MUSEIST · 07-02-2011 4:34am

^^^Karsini, well done for writing all that. I also believe I have aspergers (its pretty obvious actually) but I have never been diagnosed. I identify a lot with what you say about school, I had a very similar experience. You seem to be writing yourself off on a number of things but you should never give up on these things. Best of luck with everything.

sam34 · 07-02-2011 9:09am

eamonn gilmore likes burgers wrote: »

Hey. Since around the time I turned 18 I have been drifting listlessly through life at the best of times, not ever experiencing pleasure/satisfaction from anything, including orgasm, (i am male which makes this more crazy) and at the worst of times i have been so severely depressed that i have been close to hallucination and suciide (sounds mad i know) where every aspect of life just feels to have some inherently "evil" quality to it..everything seems black. My sense of free-will has disappeared over the last few years (i am 22) and nowadays i just fill space between sleeping by going on the internet.. any thoughts?

yep, i'd advise you to seek professional help, starting with your GP

Tags · 07-02-2011 11:45pm

I'm almost exactly the same when you mentioned the loneliness. I'm so withdrawn now that I'm finding it extremely hard to break out. I have really bad anxiety day to day but especially in social situations. This seems to be at odds with the loneliness. If I wanted to go out on the town, and get over the anxiety, I actually have nobody to go out with.

Also I'm plodding along like you mentioned. My last depressive episode had me out of work for a while. I'm back a couple of months now but I'm constantly worrying about something upsetting me and this in turn just kicks my mood down.

Not much I can add to what you posted, I just needed to rant.

margarite · 08-02-2011 1:33am

Karsini wrote: »

I've been in and out of depressive episodes for over 11 years now and I can remember the exact moment which triggered it, more on that later. Every so often I feel like I need to cry about things and this is one of those times so I think I'll just say it all.

I lived in Ballyfermot, Dublin as a child. Was always a bit of an oddball and developed obsessive interests as I grew up. My first was with electronics, especially television, when my dad used to repair TVs and I'd be gawking in the back of the sets. School was never easy for me. I had no problem with the school work, in fact I was considered a "gifted child" at age 8 and had the vocabulary and spelling ability of someone ten years older than me. I now believe this to be Asperger Syndrome but have no official diagnosis of this. I wasn't in any way shy though, used to blabber about my interests to anyone I thought would listen. My godfather was a good listener for this sort of thing. I used to go to the Explorers Club in Marino College in order to "challenge my brain," kinda funny that I live somewhat near there now. Anyway, I was initially bullied at school for "looking like a girl" and in later primary school years was simply picked on because I took the insults so seriously and reacted in an aggressive way. I was never good with jokes and couldn't understand them. In fact I was once told by someone I knew that I was the most serious person she ever met in her life.

I didn't feel my parents were so helpful at the time; telling me at the time that I was "bringing it on myself." I did make one friend in primary school but that was about it. I don't have a huge number of memories from primary school in Ballyfermot, it's almost as if my mind has tried to block it out. I have some images but that's about it for the most part.

In 1995 when I was in 5th class my parents made the decision to move to Listowel in Kerry. We moved about 9 months later; it was a complete culture shock for me but I did mostly ok initially. But as my personality came out I started attracting attention again. I was solitary at that stage and remember someone making fun of me in the yard in 6th class for being with my "imaginary friend." Around the same time my family and myself used to travel back to Dublin by rail now and again. This ignited an interest in railways which I kept bottled up until 2006 but is another of my obsessions.

Come secondary school, again I was fine initially. But at the beginning of 2nd year my next obsessive interest came to fold, computers, and that quickly became a source of teasing. Looking back I wish I never touched the things, had I not then I may have had a career as a broadcast engineer now which is something I would have been more ambitious over. I started using computers, and chat rooms specifically, as a way to fill the void of not having any friends other than my one friend in Dublin, who I kept in touch with via phone once a week.

Now back to the depression trigger. One day in 3rd year the school was on lunch. For some reason the whole 6th year classes began a "stampede," charging down the hall, running over anyone in the way, including me. After being knocked to the ground and stood on a few times I was rather shook up. I know it wasn't directed at me personally but it was still a shock. I was sent home to calm down and returned the next morning; that day I was accused by one of my classmates of faking it to get the day off. I'm normally a very quiet person but on this occasion I snapped and threw him up against the wall, making some very lame attempts to hit him in the face (to be honest I just didn't have it in me to inflict damage). He, behind my back, organised to fight me at lunchtime that day. I had no interest in it and wanted to carry on, but on the lunch break he ran over to me with a crowd. I was with my brother at the time and he wasn't taking it either. He ended up getting involved, at which point the Gardai got involved as they were passing by. My brother was cautioned. From that day on I lost all interest in life and felt responsible for getting my brother in trouble. I stopped studying in school, my words were "what do these subjects have to do with anything I want to do after school?" and generally lost the will to do anything, something which I have never really recovered from. I also made it my intention to move back to Dublin at the earliest opportunity but the lack of will meant it took a long time to achieve this.

Since then I've had some breakthroughs, I managed to make a friend in Kerry through one of my brother's friends, he's double my age but I don't let that bother me. I also made a friend in 6th year via a shared interest in TV broadcasting. I made the move to Dublin and got a job in 2007, only to throw it away in May 2008 when I got tired of house sharing and moved back to Listowel. I considered it the worst mistake of my life and remained there for 4 bleak months when I amazingly got called back by my then former boss. Since then I've been living alone in Dublin, it costs me dearly but I can't see any other way.

The result of all of this is that I'm really hard on myself. I still isolate myself from the outside world though my laptop and living alone. I don't trust anyone outside my family except for maybe one or two, and just feel uneasy about doing anything outside of my comfort zone. On the other hand I'm desperately lonely and I've noticed this a lot over the last few days - I've been considering doing some things I'd never have done before (and go against every bone in my body) just for the sake of having some company. My fear now is that I'm so withdrawn that it might be impossible to make friends or find that special someone. I'm now extremely shy around most people, especially if I have any attraction to them. Most of my online friends are women, probably because I see men as a threat, due to all of my school bullies being boys.

The job is mostly ok but I have to answer phone calls and serve people who come in, which is something I dread every single day. On a couple of occasions, customers have lost the rag with me. When that happens I usually break down and can't take it, on one memorable occasion I ended up leaving the job for a few hours (upon advice from my boss) and taking a five mile walk. They're very supportive of me in there nonetheless. An example of me being way too hard on myself was when I accidentally sold a customer a copy of Kaspersky Anti-Virus instead of Kaspersky Internet Security, and when brought up on it by my boss I blurted out "what is wrong with me?"

When it comes to treatment, I have tried a few things. I was prescribed antidepressants in Kerry, was on 150mg Effexor XL at one point, but it only made me sick and didn't help much. It managed to make me sick on a bus from Listowel to Limerick and the embarrassment was enough to put me off. I was seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist a few months ago but it was very difficult for me to actually do what she expected of me, it was almost like I couldn't. But I don't want to live my whole life alone, I get envious of seeing public displays of affection as I never had that experience myself. Anyway, my previous appointment was cancelled due to the snow and was not rescheduled.

So that's me, plodding along from one day to the next, doing the same thing all the time. It's gone on far too long really but when you don't even feel motivated enough to get yourself out of it, it's a tough call.

I suffer from cognitive behavioural, I was not so luckly to be dignoised earlier and learnt to put on a front, which take a lot of effort to do, the class that I went to was arranged through Trinity College and Belfast University, at the end of the first term when we as a group got to be on our own, it turned out that we did not fully understand all that we were taught but the one thing that did come out of this meeting was the 'going out' and the fear of doing something different were the first main factors of this disorder. I went to the end of this course which taught me a lot and would agree that you go to your gp and see if he/she can find someone that maybe can organise that you be checked if you have this disorder and does
cognitive behavioural therphy classes. Otherwise they will see what is
wrong and go on from there. I find it very hard to put on this false
mask and it not the real me. But it does stop me from being bullied
and its not right that you can not be the real you. I hope you
understand what I m saying and it helps in some way. Good luck/

margarite · 08-02-2011 2:32am

Visitor123 wrote: »

Hi,
I'm just coming in here to vent a bit..received a bit of bad news last week regarding my condition which will require further treatment.. desperately depressed but trying my best to keep my spirits up and put on a brave face...just losing hope at this stage, I've fought to the bitter end and pulled back..but mentally I don't know if I'm able to do it anymore..it's just too much too handle.

Please do not give up, I feel like that now and then, come one here and ask for advice I usually find its helps a lot.

margarite · 08-02-2011 2:45am

Tags wrote: »

Does anyone else here feel miserable on Saturday night?

Yes and lonley as well

LegacyUser · 08-02-2011 8:17am

Bit of an update.....I've been seeing a counsellor for a few weeks now, and she's helped a lot. If nothing else she's made me look at myself, how I view life and various behaviours I have.Unfortunately it's being overshadowed at the moment by some bad news about the new job I started - it's no longer available (I won't go into details but they are legit).I'm trying to deal with the absolute shock of that.

I was kind of hoping that she would have started more into helping me out with coping skills, but she's still kind of letting me talk and listening a bit. By letting me talk though, I'm working a few things out in my head.As I said before, my problems are by no means as serious as some other people's out there, but they're still my problems!

Anyway, just thought I'd let you all know how it's going, hope it's working out for everyone else too.

Demi D · 09-02-2011 12:01am

I think one of the hardest parts in dealing with depression is the sense of isolation/ loneliness that comes along with it.

I've been depressed for a while. As it goes I find it harder and harder to deal with people. I'm worried it will come to a point where I can't interact with anyone at all.

To whoever started the thread - good idea - it's nice to know that there are other people out there oing through a similar situation.

margarite · 10-02-2011 2:07pm

I thouoght the idea of this thread was to help each other, so what am I doing wrong?

thrilledskinny · 11-02-2011 12:20am

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I've posted here a couple of times so may aswell update my story.

I went to the doctor's last week because I had a horribly sore throat. My normal GP wasn't there (didn't make appointment, just went to see whoever was doing an open surgery) and so saw a different doctor.

Aswell as giving me medicine for my throat, he started asking me about my mood and stuff after looking at my medical history. I had been on 15mg of Lexapro a day for a month (after several months of 10mg) and hadn't felt any difference. So he prescribed me 20mg, and then told me that it was the highest dosage a GP is allowed prescribe.

I'm torn between gratitude and horror. I can honestly say I've felt the effect of the 20mg dose over the past week and a half (something I never felt with the 15mg) but I can't believe I'm on the highest dose a GP is allowed give. That really made me think; how the fúck have things gotten this bad?

Anyway, I've been seeing a counsellor too. It's always uncomfortable, because she makes me think about things I usually never do and makes me soul search a lot more than I'm used to. But she seems to know what she's doing.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist aswell. I'm hoping that will go ok.

Overall, I feel that a lot will depend on how college goes over the next few weeks. My final year exams will dictate what degree I get and dictate my future. If all goes well, I can see myself recovering and getting on with my life much quicker. If it doesn;t go well, I know I'm gonna be stuck in a hole for a long long time.

2011 is a make or break year. It's pretty terrifying....

(Apologies for blog-length post! I'm actually gonna copy and paste it to my blog now because that's prob where it belongs....)

I wouldn't worry about that dose, its only the highest dose for that brand of the base medication, but you can go up a dose by switching to a differant brand of the same base medication. I know because I just did. For some reason Lex dont do a higher dosage, a legally allowed higher dose anyhow.

GENERAL QUERY PLEASE HELP:
I've been off work for a number of months, and had been at work only on and off in the months before that.
I was supposed to return to work a number of times over the last month or so, but I cant seem to bring myself to do so. I cant seem to make myself do something I obviously just dont want to do.
But I need to either get over this problem or get rid of this problem by resigning, which is not an ideal solution really?..or is it??
Anyone got any suggestions please, a solution to this problem is badly needed, its getting embarassing at this stage, if nothing else, but its majorily majorily stressfull and headwrecking, to the point where I cant cope with it anymore...
I'd be fine if I just didnt have to go back to my job.
Any suggestions or help taken..
Any one been through a similar situation, please say yes?? Its weird enough as it is, a grown adult unable to bring themselves to go to work, but to be the only one with this problem...OMG....help?

RubyXI · 11-02-2011 12:07pm

thrilledskinny wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about that dose, its only the highest dose for that brand of the base medication, but you can go up a dose by switching to a differant brand of the same base medication. I know because I just did. For some reason Lex dont do a higher dosage, a legally allowed higher dose anyhow.

GENERAL QUERY PLEASE HELP:
I've been off work for a number of months, and had been at work only on and off in the months before that.
I was supposed to return to work a number of times over the last month or so, but I cant seem to bring myself to do so. I cant seem to make myself do something I obviously just dont want to do.
But I need to either get over this problem or get rid of this problem by resigning, which is not an ideal solution really?..or is it??
Anyone got any suggestions please, a solution to this problem is badly needed, its getting embarassing at this stage, if nothing else, but its majorily majorily stressfull and headwrecking, to the point where I cant cope with it anymore...
I'd be fine if I just didnt have to go back to my job.
Any suggestions or help taken..
Any one been through a similar situation, please say yes?? Its weird enough as it is, a grown adult unable to bring themselves to go to work, but to be the only one with this problem...OMG....help?

I think a lot of us here have felt similar things. Feeling we just can't go somewhere. I don't think there is any easy solution. I suppose just tell yourself to just do it. Take things one stage at a time. One day at a time is too much for us. One stage at a time. Try not to think too far ahead. First challenge will be getting out of bed. Then travelling to work- getting your bus or getting into your car or whatever, Then entering your building. Then meeting your collegues. If you take it one small step at a time it might seem more managable. I wish you luck with it. I know it's really difficult, and no it's not a ridiculos problem for anyone to have. It's just the way some of us are programmed. We're just another category of society.

margarite · 11-02-2011 10:56pm

sam34 wrote: »

yep, i'd advise you to seek professional help, starting with your GP

I was attending a councellor in my local clinic, but because I asked for a second opinion which I got and my Physc. was not happy at all, he discharged me from the service. I have being trying somethimes successfully to work on the methods I was taught on the dbt course he sent me to, but it does not always work especially during pmt the only way I can now get help is to go privately, but cannot afford, can anyone help me please.

thrilledskinny · 12-02-2011 7:43pm

Ah thanks for that Phi. Your actually right about the way we get it into are heads that we dont want to do certain things, I had thought of it like that, but work is such a big thing to not to want to do!! I take your advise on board. I've been trying really hard but will try my very best the next time, as I'm hoping I will succeed this time round. I'm going to tackle it right on the head this week. I'm going to counselling for help, and am going to get out the understanding cognitive behavouial therepy book i have and actually read it!!
Asking ye on boards was another thing I wanted to do as I know ye all know what its like and how hard it is. I'll hopefully be letting ye know how well I got on. I've just this one hurdle left and I'll be farely nearly back to my good old self tg.
Thanks again, I really really appriciate you taking the time to reply ;-)

margarite · 13-02-2011 4:49am

Visitor123 wrote: »

Hi,
I'm just coming in here to vent a bit..received a bit of bad news last week regarding my condition which will require further treatment.. desperately depressed but trying my best to keep my spirits up and put on a brave face...just losing hope at this stage, I've fought to the bitter end and pulled back..but mentally I don't know if I'm able to do it anymore..it's just too much too handle.

Yes I feel that way as well, as I have medical problems as well, and as they disimprove it has the knock on effect of me trying to deal with my mental health. The one thing that has really helped me is this thread when finding out that there are other people like me going through things just like me and even what I say back to them in hoping I can help in some small way and hoping to beat all of my illnesses by sheer taking one thing at a time and hoping someone will answer my thread just give me the hope to carry on, it hard its difficult! but just having some hope most of the time get me there. I do hope that this helps a little.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2011 7:39pm

I think the question I've realised this week is......why is it that I'm so afraid of my thoughts? Why is it that I went through many years, with the same thoughts, and they didn't scare me then? Why is only NOW that the idea of losing my OH scares me stupid.... gives me serious anxiety, to the point of panic? Those thoughts occured to me before, yet I was able to have them, let them pass, and go back to being delighted with having him!!! Yet, for some reason, now they are paralysing me with terror.

I think that's going to be the topic for this week's counselling session.

Margarite I've read quite a number of your posts here, and I understand you have problems with panic...but what exactly are the problems you have? You've mentioned a few things.

Kevster · 13-02-2011 11:51pm

Demi D wrote: »

I think one of the hardest parts in dealing with depression is the sense of isolation/ loneliness that comes along with it.

I've been depressed for a while. As it goes I find it harder and harder to deal with people. I'm worried it will come to a point where I can't interact with anyone at all.

To whoever started the thread - good idea - it's nice to know that there are other people out there oing through a similar situation.

I'm an admin on a separate site for mental disorders (25,000+ posts) and what you've written here is so true. However, the depression drives paranoia into our heads too, and this can act to isolate us even more. Even if someone tries to help us, we might feel that they have ulterior motives and we may just go on to ignore their help in the future. it really is a dark place at times. I've been there.

margarite · 14-02-2011 2:14pm

Kevster wrote: »

I'm an admin on a separate site for mental disorders (25,000+ posts) and what you've written here is so true. However, the depression drives paranoia into our heads too, and this can act to isolate us even more. Even if someone tries to help us, we might feel that they have ulterior motives and we may just go on to ignore their help in the future. it really is a dark place at times. I've been there.

Thank you for adding your thread to this, I have no ulterior motive I am hoping to give honest experience from my life, while hoping to help others and when I need advice hopefully getting it back. It not my only reason for using this thread I just think, that if I help even one person to the best of my experience. I swear on my kids lives that is the only reson that I am trying to do if I can ok?

margarite · 14-02-2011 2:20pm

Panic Central wrote: »

I think the question I've realised this week is......why is it that I'm so afraid of my thoughts? Why is it that I went through many years, with the same thoughts, and they didn't scare me then? Why is only NOW that the idea of losing my OH scares me stupid.... gives me serious anxiety, to the point of panic? Those thoughts occured to me before, yet I was able to have them, let them pass, and go back to being delighted with having him!!! Yet, for some reason, now they are paralysing me with terror.

I think that's going to be the topic for this week's counselling session.

Margarite I've read quite a number of your posts here, and I understand you have problems with panic...but what exactly are the problems you have? You've mentioned a few things.

I actually do not have a problem with panic, what I have being told that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and slightly bi polar. The last dignosis came from one of the consultants that used to work in St. Pats. I have a fear of being misunderstood, being on my own, going out, misunderstanding people.

Kevster · 15-02-2011 1:11am

margarite wrote: »

I actually do not have a problem with panic, what I have being told that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and slightly bi polar. The last dignosis came from one of the consultants that used to work in St. Pats. I have a fear of being misunderstood, being on my own, going out, misunderstanding people.

I was there myself at one point (St. Pat's). I was diagnosed correctly, but it wasn't the complete picture (if you get me). I feel that it is also up to us as patients to figure out what's wrong. Looking at us from the outside and only hearing what we say (as psychiatrists do) makes it difficult to accurately diagnose.

I did a lot of searching to figure out what syndrome I really have. My official diagnosis is only part of it.

Kevin

margarite · 15-02-2011 3:50am

thrilledskinny wrote: »

Ah thanks for that Phi. Your actually right about the way we get it into are heads that we dont want to do certain things, I had thought of it like that, but work is such a big thing to not to want to do!! I take your advise on board. I've been trying really hard but will try my very best the next time, as I'm hoping I will succeed this time round. I'm going to tackle it right on the head this week. I'm going to counselling for help, and am going to get out the understanding cognitive behavouial therepy book i have and actually read it!!
Asking ye on boards was another thing I wanted to do as I know ye all know what its like and how hard it is. I'll hopefully be letting ye know how well I got on. I've just this one hurdle left and I'll be farely nearly back to my good old self tg.
Thanks again, I really really appriciate you taking the time to reply ;-)

No disrespect I did the actual course and found it hard to understand! it differs from person to person, it basically getting down to the nitty gritty means that I have to one thing at a time, mindfulness is what it is called i e following the is expected from me in a job doing one at a time and doing it well even if it means that I have to write each thing down that I am being asked to do, then when completed marking it off the list, and taking the next task make it an easy one and go on from there, soon after a little practice at doing this things or instructions will get easier. Ok hope this helps, if you need any further information please do not hesitate to ask. It is not easy for you now but I promise it will be quite soon.

margarite · 16-02-2011 12:30am

Kevster wrote: »

I was there myself at one point (St. Pat's). I was diagnosed correctly, but it wasn't the complete picture (if you get me). I feel that it is also up to us as patients to figure out what's wrong. Looking at us from the outside and only hearing what we say (as psychiatrists do) makes it difficult to accurately diagnose.

I did a lot of searching to figure out what syndrome I really have. My official diagnosis is only part of it.

Kevin

I agree with all of what you said. As I said I did the course run by Trinity College and Belfast Universilty it is to serious a coundition to just ignore, can people who actually have and think they may have this disorder please look for help here on this thread because it is hard to get it diagnosed correctly, part of the condition is not trusting people, you will soon suss out who on the thread has it and get the proper information that will help not only you and me but all of us in how to cope with. What have we got to lose. OK

Princess Peach · 16-02-2011 8:03pm

Got an appointment with a new counselor for next Thursday, very nervous! I always find it very hard to think of the reasons why I get down sometimes, and find it hard to talk about, but my last counselor did help me come up with a few causes to my feelings and solitions to it too. Just hope I get on as well with the new one.

My next worry is that I will need to ask work for a specific lunch hour so I can go, usually you are told your lunch on the day. Don't want to have to tell them why

RubyXI · 16-02-2011 9:15pm

Does anyone else have a huge issue with people seeing them eat? My family are the only ones I can eat in front of. It means I rarely eat lunch anymore because I work in an open plan office so it's hard to hide food. It is quite a problem in day to day life.

thrilledskinny · 17-02-2011 12:46am

phi3 wrote: »

Does anyone else have a huge issue with people seeing them eat? My family are the only ones I can eat in front of. It means I rarely eat lunch anymore because I work in an open plan office so it's hard to hide food. It is quite a problem in day to day life.

Hi phi ;-) I'm delighted to be able to help you out here after your very helpful and encouaging reply to my post earlier in the week.

Just so you know your not alone, a friend of mine tells me they used to have a major problem eating infront of people, I believe even infront of say mother in laws or not so close family members.
I ate lunch with this friend the other day though and we've shared the odd pizza or two, so they seem to have over come this problem, through hard effort i believe, councelling, meds etc.
But at least you know your not alone and can over come it.
I can find out more of them if you want ??

By the way I've started councelling re the work situation, and intend to return very soon to my job, please god as they say!
Take care now...:-)

thrilledskinny · 17-02-2011 1:06am

Kevster wrote: »

I'm an admin on a separate site for mental disorders (25,000+ posts) and what you've written here is so true. However, the depression drives paranoia into our heads too, and this can act to isolate us even more. Even if someone tries to help us, we might feel that they have ulterior motives and we may just go on to ignore their help in the future. it really is a dark place at times. I've been there.

I've benefited from alot of your posts, and gained solice from them.

I agree with you totally here. A doctor once asked me when I was depressed, was I worried about anything in particular? But I choose not to tell her my worry, I just replied 'that I believe when I'm depressed I'll worry about totally irrational things and build things up to worry about from nothing really'.
I dont believe we think the same when we are depressed.
Now that I'm well, the worry I had when I was depressed, flashes into my mind occassionally, but not to the same frequency or extent as when I was depressed. I tell myself now that even though the worry I have could possibly come true, its only silly and irrational to worry about the likely hood of something happening which is probably one chance in hundred, or as slim as winning the lotty - and none of us worry about that eh!!

Its a bit like the post from PANIC CENTRAL..who suffers from panic attacks that are worse at times, and is currently panicing or worring about loosing her boyfriend. She or he wont worry as much when they are feeling better. When unwelll our worries are heightened, this doesnt mean they cant happen, it just means we find it harder to control our worry to a sensible normal level and not yo obsess about it.

Take care, and thanks for your post/s:)

RubyXI · 17-02-2011 9:03am

thrilledskinny wrote: »

Hi phi ;-) I'm delighted to be able to help you out here after your very helpful and encouaging reply to my post earlier in the week.

Just so you know your not alone, a friend of mine tells me they used to have a major problem eating infront of people, I believe even infront of say mother in laws or not so close family members.
I ate lunch with this friend the other day though and we've shared the odd pizza or two, so they seem to have over come this problem, through hard effort i believe, councelling, meds etc.
But at least you know your not alone and can over come it.
I can find out more of them if you want ??

By the way I've started councelling re the work situation, and intend to return very soon to my job, please god as they say!
Take care now...:-)

Thanks for your reply. Well done on going to councelling. Don't think I'll ever be able to do that. Best of luck with your return to work.

margarite · 17-02-2011 10:15pm

Princess Peach wrote: »

Got an appointment with a new counselor for next Thursday, very nervous! I always find it very hard to think of the reasons why I get down sometimes, and find it hard to talk about, but my last counselor did help me come up with a few causes to my feelings and solitions to it too. Just hope I get on as well with the new one.

My next worry is that I will need to ask work for a specific lunch hour so I can go, usually you are told your lunch on the day. Don't want to have to tell them why

The way I got out of that was saying I had a G P appointment and that was the only time he could take me, and got my g p to give me a letter stating that I had an appointment at that time. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2011 12:14am

Thanks Thrilled Skinny.
I've been good this week actually. I feel like my natural calmer self is becoming that bit stronger.There's no doubt - I've been very anxious about being unemployed, and having suffered from panic a number of years ago, I assumed the panic was the related to the same thing.My counsellor has helped me realise what my anxiety is really about. Doesn't make it easy all the time, I will say that.There are some days when I think all my problems are about my OH, (poor guy), and I'll never be happy again. But I do feel the last few days like I'm getting stronger, like I might be able to beat this irrational thing.Like you say, I don't understand how the same things can bother me now, but wouldn't at all say, last year.It's a pretty good indication (for me), that there's something going on in the background that's heightening my levels of anxiety, and decreasing my ability to cope with things.

phi3, maybe you'll get to a counsellor someday.But maybe don't think about it too much.It's not a bad reflection on you.Everyone is different.I don't think my counsellor has actually solved my problem, but they've helped to look at my life in a different light, and have been an "impartial" observer to what I'm telling them about my life.It's good that way.You'll get there when you're ready.

RubyXI · 19-02-2011 12:31am

Panic Central wrote: »

Thanks Thrilled Skinny.
I've been good this week actually. I feel like my natural calmer self is becoming that bit stronger.There's no doubt - I've been very anxious about being unemployed, and having suffered from panic a number of years ago, I assumed the panic was the related to the same thing.My counsellor has helped me realise what my anxiety is really about. Doesn't make it easy all the time, I will say that.There are some days when I think all my problems are about my OH, (poor guy), and I'll never be happy again. But I do feel the last few days like I'm getting stronger, like I might be able to beat this irrational thing.Like you say, I don't understand how the same things can bother me now, but wouldn't at all say, last year.It's a pretty good indication (for me), that there's something going on in the background that's heightening my levels of anxiety, and decreasing my ability to cope with things.

phi3, maybe you'll get to a counsellor someday.But maybe don't think about it too much.It's not a bad reflection on you.Everyone is different.I don't think my counsellor has actually solved my problem, but they've helped to look at my life in a different light, and have been an "impartial" observer to what I'm telling them about my life.It's good that way.You'll get there when you're ready.

Oh no i certinally don't think of it as a bad reflection on me. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's a catch 22 situation. My anxiety is preventing me from curing my anxiety.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2011 7:32pm

Oh right.
Funny how it works like that.

pheasant tail · 19-02-2011 9:33pm

Kevster wrote: »

I was there myself at one point (St. Pat's). I was diagnosed correctly, but it wasn't the complete picture (if you get me). I feel that it is also up to us as patients to figure out what's wrong. Looking at us from the outside and only hearing what we say (as psychiatrists do) makes it difficult to accurately diagnose.

I did a lot of searching to figure out what syndrome I really have. My official diagnosis is only part of it.

Kevin

KEvin if you dont mind me asking how did you find st pats?? how long did you spend there??
im currently here at the moment and soooo worried

margarite · 20-02-2011 2:12pm

Panic Central wrote: »

Thanks Thrilled Skinny.
I've been good this week actually. I feel like my natural calmer self is becoming that bit stronger.There's no doubt - I've been very anxious about being unemployed, and having suffered from panic a number of years ago, I assumed the panic was the related to the same thing.My counsellor has helped me realise what my anxiety is really about. Doesn't make it easy all the time, I will say that.There are some days when I think all my problems are about my OH, (poor guy), and I'll never be happy again. But I do feel the last few days like I'm getting stronger, like I might be able to beat this irrational thing.Like you say, I don't understand how the same things can bother me now, but wouldn't at all say, last year.It's a pretty good indication (for me), that there's something going on in the background that's heightening my levels of anxiety, and decreasing my ability to cope with things.

phi3, maybe you'll get to a counsellor someday.But maybe don't think about it too much.It's not a bad reflection on you.Everyone is different.I don't think my counsellor has actually solved my problem, but they've helped to look at my life in a different light, and have been an "impartial" observer to what I'm telling them about my life.It's good that way.You'll get there when you're ready.

I agaree with phi, it all comes right in its own time. Sometimes for me when I am feelilng anxietious (excuse spelling) things seem much worse and finding the way can be hard, but if I can rest or looking at tv sometimes things can become clearer. Take care.

Tags · 20-02-2011 6:54pm

A loss of self worth and direction in life hits a lot of people. I find it to be particularly worse for people with depression. That "get up and go" attitude is almost impossible to muster due to long term low moods and the immediate anxiety.

Someone once asked me which is worse, the mood or the fear? To me they've both been very destructive in many ways although I find the anxiety to be my ultimate downfall.

I was told by my psychiatrist that the anxiety is a symptom of depression but I would of said it was there first and the depression came from that. On further reflection I can see how the depression was always there, lurking in the background like a bastard puppeteer in my childhood and teenage years playing with my strings.

Prescribed medication, alcohol, destructive behaviour, absence from work and education in the short-term may seem to soothe the trouble but overall just adds to the pile of crap we have to deal with in life.

At times we've tried to fight conformity, we wanted to stand out and be heard. What I'd give right now to be a normal happy person who can deal with the minor low points without feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Just needed to rant.

Hope ye're all doing ok.

Wolfe Tone · 20-02-2011 11:08pm

Anyone else into the state where you literally just do nothing, and even going to the shop seems a mammoth task? I was like that for my exams and failed two,(I just literally couldnt study) but I was fine for a good while after that, over the last few days its been coming back though, and what seems to happen is that I'm not depressed until this happens and when it does I end up just sitting there thinking about how stupid or pathetic I am, and things like that, and end up getting really down... anyone feel someway similar?

How do you keep motivated?

Mars Bar · 20-02-2011 11:40pm

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Anyone else into the state where you literally just do nothing, and even going to the shop seems a mammoth task? I was like that for my exams and failed two,(I just literally couldnt study) but I was fine for a good while after that, over the last few days its been coming back though, and what seems to happen is that I'm not depressed until this happens and when it does I end up just sitting there thinking about how stupid or pathetic I am, and things like that, and end up getting really down... anyone feel someway similar?

How do you keep motivated?

I've nearly given up on attempting to see out the college year. It's a shame as I'm finished completely in May. My attendance in the last month is worse than my previous two years combined. It's hard to get to sleep and even harder to get up in the morning.
My concentration is zero and with that, I lost the motivation coz I know what the routine is now. Sit down, make an attempt, get frustrated after 20 mins, give up. Over and over again...

Wolfe Tone · 20-02-2011 11:49pm

mars bar wrote: »

I've nearly given up on attempting to see out the college year. It's a shame as I'm finished completely in May. My attendance in the last month is worse than my previous two years combined. It's hard to get to sleep and even harder to get up in the morning.
My concentration is zero and with that, I lost the motivation coz I know what the routine is now. Sit down, make an attempt, get frustrated after 20 mins, give up. Over and over again...

Im pretty similar, luckily I am right beside the college so I generally go in, but I cant study, concentration is nil too.

Mars Bar · 21-02-2011 12:34am

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Im pretty similar, luckily I am right beside the college so I generally go in, but I cant study, concentration is nil too.

I live right beside the college too. I go in when I get fed up talking to myself when I have finally dragged myself out of bed!

LegacyUser · 21-02-2011 12:47am

last night I went to a party. it was class craic like. I was steamin. dancin like a madman. bout 12ish got a buzz sayin that i needed to head home to take care of somethin. so I told my mate, jack. he got me a curry and helped me sober up (such a sound lad..but anyway) that was grand. but I was wasted man. he explained t me t just sit at the table and eat so I did but he got this bitch (Girl 1) to sit in fr him while he was away doin whatever. and by god she was a bitch. she kept on sayin 'eat the curry' in this 'im your mother'-type voice. f'in ridiculous. anyway. I didnt hear the spite in her voice at the time like. I was complimentin her, ye have lovely eyes, blah blah. makin conversation easy, like it is when ye're tanked. so that was grand. I was happy enough. but by god bout halfway through she just kept on sayin to me how much she 'hated' me. for no reason. and she was just intent on makin me feel like ****t. it wasnt even so much what she was sayin but the way she said it, y'know? while I got near the end of my curry a good mate of mine (Girl 2) landed at the table and she was f'ked. but I got so tired of Girl 1's b.s. so I explained t her that she was takin out her jealousy of everyone else enjoyin themselves on me. somethin like 'You hate people because you think they're obliged to like you because you feel sorry for yourself' and I could feel her crackin. her eyes were tearin up. then Girl 2 got in on it and we had a wee mini-convo about good vibes and bad vibes, how if ye put bad vibes in thats what ya get out. and I explained t Girl 1 that this was a fact and then Girl 2 decided I was givin out bad vibes. but I explained t her that that was cos Girl 1 was givin ME bad vibes. and I had a fallout with Girl 2 over it cos she thought I was bein a dick.. but I dunno. Girl 1 just made me feel like an absolute piece of trash like. I wanted to get on with her and have a bitta craic. but she was just a dick. and by the time I finished she'd just tore me down man...

I felt like I was invisible like, like nobody even saw me. my head was in my hands and I just felt like crap. wanted t cry so badly. its like it just awoke this part of me thats been locked away since primary school when I was bullied. and I just felt so ****. and so angry that my happiness had been ****ing stolen from under my nose by someone who was just gona squander it anyway. bitch.

I got the taxi home a wee bit after that, called up my best mate, who's goin out with Girl 2 (lesbians.) and we had a big long convo, me sittin freezin out on a wall on some country lane near home, just talking philosophical ****e. I wasnt sad but the good times just felt like so far away.. even tho I was dancin only an hour bfore that like, havin a great time. my battery conked out and I headed down home, late as **** but I didnt care. went ta bed.

more relevant to the thread tho, I'm anxious at school a lotta the time.. outside school its usually grand and im REALLY gregarious with people I dont know but with people I do know.. **** man. I get anxious so easy. but im dealing it with it. I find practicing good breathing really helps a lot and working out does too (I work out 6 days a week) but it just seems like somethin you get stuck with or you dont.. and I have them cry days too where I just wanna cry and cry and cry like a lot of people in this thread. I feel melancholy naturally like. its just the way I am. but I do have moments of intense happiness..last night for example. I was tellin Girl 1 (the bitch) how beautiful the world is, and how amazing it is..but how people just ruin it. and I explained to her how she was one of those people.

by far the worst thing about depression is how it pushes the people you wish you could be close to away from you.

anyway.. if ye've read this, thanks so much. let it not be said that ye're impatient :P

Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

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