Am I expecting too much?

LegacyUser · 04-12-2019 10:20am #1

So I’m in my early 30s and have been very close friends with this girl since our college days. We have gone travelling together and I was bridesmaid for her wedding two years ago. She lives maybe 15 minutes from me and up until recently we would meet regularly for walks etc.
She is expecting a baby next March. I feel this is relevant to mention as this issue may just be me over reacting/expecting too much.

A few things have happened recently that have left me upset and disappointed and I hate to say it, but questioning our friendship. I’m prepared to be slated here for expecting too much so if people feel that’s the case then feel free to say it as I almost want it to be that way rather than the fact that she doesn’t care too much/ respect me at all.

A few months ago I had an operation and was out of work for 7 weeks. In this time she called to my house to see me once. She never texted me to see how I was, instead just sending on pictures of clothes she liked and asking my opinion. My illness was never once mentioned and i would be considered very young to suffer from my condition so it did upset me quite a bit and apart from texting and coming to see me once in the 7 weeks it was never mentioned at all.

Over the summer I got two tickets to an event that was due to be on this weekend about an hour from our home place. Again I mentioned this to her and that I’d get someone to come with me, genuinely not expecting her to offer but was delighted when she did. She put the date in her phone and said we would definitely go. Nearly a fortnight ago I texted her to remind her and ask was she still coming and she said she forgot and she was going for dinner with other friends instead. Personally, I generally go with whatever event is arranged first and I was and still am annoyed that she has said nothing else, just literally that she was going for dinner with the girls. I’m down €60 for the tickets as I don’t think I will sell them at this stage. What annoys me the most is that I never asked her to come, infact she offered and said it would be a good laugh.

The final incident that has made me upset is that for her wedding I gave quite a substantial cash gift and a keepsake frame which cost €80. I was happy to do it and I felt it was very much her taste and that she would appreciate it. It’s not hanging up in her house like many other wedding related items but I thought nothing of it as I know wedding presents can be forgotten about and left in a bag/room without much thought. This was until a few months ago, when socialising with other friends she said on the subject of wedding presents “ any I do like are hanging in the sitting room or the hall, the rest we just don’t bother with”. So obviously my present falls into the “rest” category.

I am fully aware that I may be over reacting a bit here. Maybe the fact that I am single and quite used to doing things on my own, makes it more upsetting to feel sort of cast aside. Any opinions advise would be great. Maybe the issue is that I may be a bit lonely when all I see is friends settling down and getting married and I can feel a bit sad that I am nowhere near that stage of life. Maybe if I was in a relationship, this wouldn’t bother me so much, I don’t know.

woodchuck · 04-12-2019 11:06am

Hi OP,

While I can see how these things might cause some hurt, I think you're probably over reacting to most of them.

She probably should've made more of an effort to visit you while you were out of work. However, she may have been feeling unwell herself with the pregnancy and genuinely just didn't have the energy? Maybe she should have asked how you were doing more often, but some people are awkward about those things and just don't know what to say. Maybe it was just easier for her to chat about regular day to day things and thought she was doing you a favour taking your mind off the operation.

The thing with the tickets is annoying. But based on the timings, she may have committed to it before she got pregnant or realised she was pregnant? Under normal circumstances I'd agree that she should go with you instead of dinner with friends. But she's 6 months pregnant. Depending on the nature of the event, it might make sense for her to give it a miss (e.g. if it's a gig where she'll be on her feet for a lot of the night). If it's something low key like a play though, I'd be a little annoyed. She should definitely pay for her ticket though if you can't find someone to replace her!

I think you're overreacting about the wedding present. I've heard that people get a LOT of picture frames. They can obviously only display so many of them, so it makes sense that they pick their favourites. I can see why it would sting that yours isn't one of their favourites, but it could just be down to personal taste or what suits the decor of the house. I wouldn't take it personally though.

Maybe the issue is that I may be a bit lonely when all I see is friends settling down and getting married and I can feel a bit sad that I am nowhere near that stage of life.

This might be the crux of the matter for you? Particularly with this friend, she's about to have a baby and her life going to change completely. It's inevitable that she'll have less time and energy for her friends unfortunately

I hope you have other friends besides her though that you can hang out with more regularly?

meeeeh · 04-12-2019 11:27am

I wouldn't worry about wedding presents. Some are hit some are miss, that's a non issue. Otherwise your friend comes accross as very self centred and not very considerate. She forgot to inform you she was going somewhere else. She is also going to a group event and her not being there wouldn't make much difference while there was just the two of you going to the event you booked tickets for. Have you someone else who could go with you? Her not visiting or contacting you much would suggest you are not her priority at the moment. It could be that your illness coincided with her pregnancy and some distraction is expected but she still seems very self centred to me.

That being said I you two are at different stages in life and her priorities will be different in next few years and even if there were no issues before babies are very demanding and exhausting. I think you should try to expand your group of friends and just let this relationship to fizzle out. There is no point going nuclear because you will be just labelled bitter and jealous. Even if you have valid reasons it's never sensible to dump (or fire

) pregnant woman.

hawley · 04-12-2019 1:16pm

Hi OP, I think you summed it up well in your last sentence, you're definitely feeling it more because of the stage of life that you are in. Your friend is now giving priority to her husband/ wife and impending baby. She was probably always quite self centered but you let it wash away in the drift. I don't think that you should have given her such a big cash gift for her wedding, it doesn't come across well in my opinion. It's not your job to pay for her wedding or anything else. Does she have more friends than you, maybe she thinks that she can treat you like dirt and that you'll still be there for her. If she's having a hard time with the baby in six months time, you'll probably be the first one that she'll call. You're still very young by the way, so I wouldn't be panicking about meeting someone. There's loads of people out there who would love to be in relationship with you.

santana75 · 04-12-2019 7:54pm

bidssss wrote: »

Maybe the issue is that I may be a bit lonely when all I see is friends settling down and getting married and I can feel a bit sad that I am nowhere near that stage of life. Maybe if I was in a relationship, this wouldn’t bother me so much, I don’t know.

This is probably true. I mean if you were seeing someone these things might not matter so much. That said, You should respect your feelings. Dont try to talk yourself around this. The truth is you were hurt by her flaking on you and you were hurt by the wedding present issue. The very fact that youre asking if its an overreaction indicates that you're not respecting those feelings, or at the very least, not trusting them. Be forgiving and dont hold grudges, this is the way to live a happy life. But trust your gut aswell. I think your intuition is telling you something about this girl thats very important. A boss of mine gave me some great advice one time. He said love many......trust few. Like I said, be forgiving, but at the same time, be wise about who you consider a true friend. You may find that you have very few true friends, or even none, at the moment. Thats ok. These are things you develop over time, and the ability to sort the flakey ones from the the ones who have your back is something you just learn from hard and painful experiences. But trust your feelings on this one, do not rationalize or justify. People will show you who they really are if you are observant. Pay little attention to what they say, and a lot of attention to what they do. Watch the hand not the mouth.

the14thwarrior · 04-12-2019 10:30pm

I think she might have made more of an effort to see you when you were quite sick, and perhaps you would have done it differently. I know I would have been upset.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2019 12:16am

This thread can be read in different ways so that makes it hard to give you a certain answer. You have known your friend for a long time. Was she ever a bit selfish or self-centred before this or is it a new thing? Do you know how the pregnancy is affecting her? If she's suffering with it, she might not want to do things that are too lively.

Here's another angle for you about the wedding presents. Did you give her so much money as a gift, it embarrassed her or made her uncomfortable? Uncomfortable enough to make her re-evaluate the friendship and make her want to take a step back? I also don't get why people think picture frames are a wonderful thing to give as a gift. You might like it but that does not mean that she does. I have picture frames I don't like sitting in a cupboard. They were all given as gifts but I didn't like them. I adore the people who gave them to me but that's beside the point. Some day when I'm doing a clear-out they'll be going to a charity shop.

Even if you decide that your friend's behaviour is not how she normally is, you probably need to make changes to your own life. Once the baby comes along your friend isn't going to have much time for you anyway. Now is the time to reconnect with old friends or look into other social outlets for yourself. Being single when everyone else around you is coupled up can be lonely but you can do something about it.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-12-2019 4:47am

She seems inconsiderate.

OP one of the things that helps a friendship last long term is if you sometimes state your needs once and a while.

Tell her what they are.

If you can discuss it openly and positively the friendship will last. If you guys can't it won't.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2019 11:28am

We don't know your friend OP so can only comment of these 3 examples you've given and we do tend to recount information with a slight bias to our own view point.

For her not asking about when you after the operation on the face of it it sounds insensitive and selfish but maybe she had something happening at her end that she didn't want to discuss or maybe she thought she was doing the right thing not asking. Its very hard to sometimes to know if a person going through an illness or medical procedure wants to talk about it. My friend is going through IVF and I honestly have no idea if she wants to talk about as I know its causing her a lot of pressure and stress and I feel she wants me not to bring it up so she can forget about it for a small while. another friends mother died suddenly and a few months after I was texting them silly images as a distracting. We talked about it and they liked my silly images as it wasn't another 'are you ok?' call/text that everyone else was sending. Now everyone is different and I know some of my friends who not have appreciated this but I know my friend and knew they would so maybe you and this woman just aren't as close as you think?

The tickets you say your out of pocket €60 but you'd bought the tickets before you asked her to go. If you'd asked her if she wanted to go then bought the tickets I could understand. Why didn't you ask someone else to go or go by yourself?

As for the frame, you said you gave quite a large cash gift so maybe she didn't think the frame meant that much. People often give small things like frames when giving cash as you don't like just handing over an envelope so she might not have realise you spent €80 on it as you also gave a cash gift. A frame is a personal taste thing, its not a personal comment on you if she doesn't have the same taste as you.

Now maybe she is just being a poor friend or maybe your expecting too much or maybe its something in the middle, its hard to say OP as we only have these few examples.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2019 11:55am

Hi OP, I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt, but I think it is an over reaction to start questioning your friendship. I know for my own wedding we received at least a dozen variety of picture frames as gifts most of which are still in boxes. It is not that we do not value the person or the gift, but we only have so much wall space available and many of the frames would not match with the rest of the house.

I found in my early to mid 30's there was a big change in how I interacted with friends. As people start getting married and having children their priorities change for obvious, and in many cases, good reason. You end up meeting up less and people's plans can change last minute. There was definitely a divide between those who were single and those who were married with kids. Your friendship is going to change even more so once her baby arrives. Socialising is going to be very much restricted at least for a while anyway as most of her focus will be on her new baby.

I think your last paragraph is the most telling. Your friend occupies a much bigger space in your head than she can afford you at the moment. That does not mean she does not care about you, but it is important you start to think what your friendship will look like in the future and how both your needs can be met. It is very likely that some of what you got from the friendship in the past will need to come from a wider circle of friends who are in a more similar situation as you, or possibly a partner in the future.

Calypso Realm · 05-12-2019 5:15pm

I might be in the minority here but I don't think she's a great friend at all and I simply don't buy the idea of life changes etc at all as a way to 'explain away' her self-centred and inconsiderate behaviour. I think it's all down to her and her personality, nothing more. I've got married friends who wouldn't dream of behaving like her. Neither would I if the situations were reversed.

And yes, in your position I would be reconsidering my friendship with her. At the very least I wouldn't be going out of my way for her from now on....To me, in short she doesn't sound that interested. Sorry OP, but real friends don't behave like this.

Regarding your illness. At the very least she could have texted asking how you were and if you needed anything. I don't think this is a lot to ask. Out of interest, is she working during the day? If she wasn't up to calling round (though I doubt this is true if she was sending you all those other texts) she couldn't have explained this to you. To give an example, fairly recently I was hospitalised out of the blue and when one of my neighbours (a busy young mother with two kids and a demanding job) noticed i wasn't around. When she found out where I was, I was really touched by the amount of help she offered, things she offered to do etc I have other friends but she knew OH was working abroad at the time.

Similarly regarding the event, it sounds a bit lame and very blaze to me to say she 'forgot' and had made other plans. She could have just as easily have cancelled them and gone with you, knowing you would have to go alone, otherwise. After all she had promised you in the first place. Again if there was a valid reason she felt it better not to attend, out of consideration for your feelings etc, she should have explained this to you. Also regarding the wedding present, it was very thoughtless to comment like this when you were in the company.

If it were me OP, I would definitely be pulling way back here.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2019 6:05pm

OP here. Thanks for all the replies, I was half expecting to get slated. In relation to the wedding gift, I gave her less than I would give a sibling but a small bit more than I’d have given other friends that I wasn’t bridesmaid for. Regarding the frame, it had a design/drawing inside it and I picked it out as I felt they would like it. There was some special details on it relating to them so it was quite personal.
I never asked her to come to the event with me. I just mentioned that I had got two tickets for it and I’d hope to get someone to go with me nearer the time. She offered to come and felt it would be good fun and we would go for food beforehand.
I didn’t mention originally that the week before I got ill, I went out of my way to help her out with a small event as she got caught up that day and I went to the venue early, decorated it and had genuinely no problem doing it. I was happy to help a friend when needed but now it just seems like maybe I value the friendship more, or I’m too nice. But this whole issue has definitely hurt me.
She contacted me yesterday asking if I got anyone to go with, I said no So Id have to give it a miss and have heard nothing since. Where to from here, I’m not sure.

pwurple · 05-12-2019 6:06pm

The tickets one would gall me, that's really mean.

I would have given her some leeway if you were both out and she hadn't put it in the calendar... I know I'm ridiculously forgetful. But you said she did mark it in, and then went and booked something else on top and didn't even tell you when she was ditching you. Could she have misunderstood in some way? Like, did you in anyway imply you won them, and there was no cost involved, or that it didn't matter to you somehow?

I know at my stage of life, with my own best buddies, some I see every month or so, some once every 6 months. We're all at the same stage of life, family, jobs, parents getting sick... all change. So plans get cancelled last minute and rearranged frequently. I still wouldn't like them to say they would go to something, and then ditch me only when I rang to confirm.

Calypso Realm · 05-12-2019 11:33pm

bidsss wrote: »

She contacted me yesterday asking if I got anyone to go with, I said no So Id have to give it a miss and have heard nothing since. Where to from here, I’m not sure.

Sounds as if she might feel a twinge of guilt over letting you down BUT not enough to cancel her meal plans and honour her original promise to you, which in my view she should do! At the very least she could invite you along for the meal! She just might come round. Well and good if she does!

From what you've written, she sounds quite happy to take what you have to offer but it's not reciprocated on her end. So I'd stop being so available to her for starters. This relationship doesn't sound balanced in terms of give and take BUT I also get the impression as well you are enabling her in the sense you're not voicing your displeasure with her behaviour. You don't have to fall out with completely but in your position, I would have said something before now. But that me as I've generally cut flaky people in the past, with no regrets whatsoever!

Honestly, if it were me I'd cool contact with her from now on. She'll get the message. But that's me as generally I've cut flaky people out of my life in the past as they're simply not worth my time.

zapper55 · 06-12-2019 4:30pm

I don't know if she's selfish but you do do too much for her. Subconsciously you are keeping score.

I would take a step back.

Also why not go to the concert by yourself? I have and it's scary but liberating. Pity for the tkts to got to waste.

Ready4Boarding · 06-12-2019 5:01pm

I’d be upset/annoyed. And I’d say something about it. And they’d react badly and the friendship would be endangered.

I’ve one friend in particular who is the least considerate person you could ever imagine. Always late. Zones out of conversations. Utterly unappreciative of my generosity. I’m always on the verge of telling him to go fck himself. But then we’ll meet up for a drink after a few weeks apart and I’ll be reminded why I don’t.

I think your friend’s actions are quite obviously inconsiderate, at best. But others here disagree, and I think it shouldn’t really matter anyway. Is it a friendship that brings you happiness at times? If it is, work to forgive or readjust your engagement so you don't feel as hurt. I’ve stopped buying my friend presents, I work into my plans that he’ll be late, and, ultimately, I’m less close to him. Without the adjustment, I wouldn’t have been able to bear the frequent micro insults.

Sunrise_Sunset · 06-12-2019 8:39pm

It sounds like she has been a bit inconsiderate. I don't think the friendship is irreparable though. A few annoyances there alright. Maybe take a step back for a while and see how she responds.
I've had friendships with people who were far more inconsiderate, and I took major steps back. They either reacted positively or negatively to this. The negative ones were the friendships that weren't going to make it anyway.

HildaOgdenx · 07-12-2019 12:00am

zapper55 wrote: »

I don't know if she's selfish but you do do too much for her. Subconsciously you are keeping score.

I would take a step back.

Also why not go to the concert by yourself? I have and it's scary but liberating. Pity for the tkts to got to waste.

+1 to this.
And I'd go along to the event, if I were you.

There was a very similar thread recently but I think the OP asked for it to be deleted. A lot of the advice in it would have been applicable here.

I agree that she sounds inconsiderate, at the very least.

I suppose something that emerged in the previous thread was that it's a chance to consider also things about yourself such as 'I'm too nice'. It's nice to be nice, but don't allow yourself to be a pushover either.

Take a few steps back for sure and leave the ball in her court.

santana75 · 09-12-2019 7:14pm

bidsss wrote: »

She contacted me yesterday asking if I got anyone to go with, I said no So Id have to give it a miss and have heard nothing since. Where to from here, I’m not sure.

Ok to be fair, theres no reason for you not to go to this event just because theres nobody else going. You can most definitely go by yourself.

Calypso Realm · 09-12-2019 9:02pm

santana75 wrote: »

Ok to be fair, theres no reason for you not to go to this event just because theres nobody else going. You can most definitely go by yourself.

True. But it's obvious OP would prefer not to go alone, a fact which I've no doubt, is more than obvious at this point to the 'friend' who 'forgot' about her promise. However, this isn't alone enough to get her to cancel her other plans. Out of interest OP, did you go in the end?

OP I most certainly hope when you're next called upon to assist her in some way, you remember this. I know exactly what I would do if I were, for instance, approached (and you probably will!) for babysitting in the future!

LegacyUser · 09-12-2019 9:22pm

I did think about going on my own but a cousin of mine was in the area so I met up with her instead. It was a better offer than going to a gig on my own. When I replied to my friend and said I wasn’t going, she asked when I got the tickets and then completely changed the subject by sending pictures of something she was thinking of buying.
I replied that it looked lovely and said nothing beyond that.

I don’t have much desire to talk to her at the moment as I felt fairly crap about being ditched more so than any of the other things I mentioned in my first post. If she mentions it again I will probably tell her that I was annoyed and it wasn’t a very nice thing to do but it wasn’t worst thing in the world to do to someone. I thought as time went on I’d have forgotten it but I think sending me pictures is her trying to gloss over it.

santana75 · 10-12-2019 6:28pm

Calypso Realm wrote: »

True. But it's obvious OP would prefer not to go alone, a fact which I've no doubt, is more than obvious at this point to the 'friend' who 'forgot' about her promise.

I just think its not good to avoid the gig completely just because theres nobody to go with. Thats allowing what other people do to control your plans. And thats no way to live. This breeds resentment towards others and holding them responsible for what we can and cant do. I think Op this could the crux of the problem, you changed your own plans even though you had bought tickets for this gig. Could it be that you are reluctant to do things by yourself?

Shelga · 10-12-2019 7:35pm

Hi OP- you sound like a nice person who is considerate of others, and I'm sorry this has upset you. I don't think you're overreacting, and I can relate to some of the things you describe.

I just wanted to say I agree completely with Calypso Realm's post- I'm so sick of hearing things like "you're reacting more strongly to this than you would if you weren't single, and people's priorities change when they're in their 30s"- what a load of utter rubbish.

A considerate, thoughtful and caring friend does not just morph into a rude and thoughtless one, just because she's over 30 and is pregnant. And getting married/having a baby is not an excuse for ditching you for the gig. That kind of stuff makes my blood boil. It is her saying, "my time is more important than yours, and I don't really give a crap one way or the other". Manners cost nothing.

Now, this is actually not me saying that this woman is a bad person. I'm sure she isn't. But she sounds like the majority of people out there, who put their own needs and wants first. They don't even realise they're doing it. I have a friend who is similar to yours (not quite as bad though), and in the last couple of years, I just don't consider her as good a friend as ones who would not behave that way. We still hang out, we have fun, we have lots in common- but I just kind of keep a bit of distance between us too.

I think that's the best way for you to look at this for now- and remember that there are peaks and troughs in every friendship. Don't be afraid to call her out on this stuff either- festering resentment leads nowhere good.

Am I expecting too much?

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