Friday's Funnies

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on
the ass and say, "You're next!

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray
gas
all over the car

Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?>
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand
Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?>
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!">>
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with hooker?> A: Your last blow
job.
Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of ****?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the **** out of the dog.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner
since
1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate

Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on
Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"?
A: Piper Alpha (oil rig)

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer

Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too ight anyway
Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.


Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.


Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. They're always vacant, engaged or full of ****.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common? A. If you lay them
properly
the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
goodlooking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. Porcupines have *****s on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a clitoris and a Pub?
A. 9 out of 10 men can find a pub.
Q. How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A. Who knows, it's never happened
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.
Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. Half an hour of begging.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A. Men usually miss them.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow
Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme

Q: What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stem?
A: A fungi to be with
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes