How to deal with someone who just shuts down...

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 9:35am #1

My boyfriends great and we are happy.

We're together 2.5 years and live together for 18 months. We don't really argue very often and pretty much never fight....we're in our late thirties, so, I guess we're laid back.

We struggled to communicate at the start, he hates deep conversations...freezes up and gets defensive. But we've figured that out, I guess with time we have settled in to eachother and we're more secure to work things out together.

He has a lot of stress in his life at the moment, all of it external to our relationship. Although he will tell me what he is stressed about, he never wants to discuss it....which is fine I guess. However it results in him completely withdrawing from me and everything and becoming a bit of a shell. I find it very diffiult as he will communicate in one-word answers and just lose himself in his phone for hours...to the extent where if I am speaking to him he is so zoned out he doesn't hear me.

I try not to add to his stress (like, they are real issues to do with his family, so genuine concerns) so I don't want to push him when he is already down. But I ask him if he is ok and he will defensively or almost aggressively say "Yea...why?" and then look at me with a face that is there to remind me that he doesn't want to talk about things.

So I reassure him that I'm here if he needs anything and I hate seeing him upset. He will brush me off and it continues. Some of these things go on for weeks at a time and I find it very difficult.

In between he will take the time to thank me for being supportive and occasionally apologise for being moody, send me flowers to work or buy jelwrry etc.....but I have to be honest, as someone myslf who is a talker and feels better by ranting and moaning about things....I find it very difficult to relate to.

I wonder, does anyone have any experience of how best to deal with this and is it bad for him to be bottling things up in this way?

Mr. Incognito · 14-10-2019 10:01am

I am precisely the same and I can tell you that it's just his way of processing stress.

Some people go into themselves to process it. That's just their way. They will emerge in a few hours, or a day or two when it is processed.

The best thing I can tell you to do is simply ignore it and let him be. Just because people dont process things the same way doesnt mean that they have to be pulled out of it.

My gf and I have had couples therapy and I've explained this. My advice when he is like this is to just make time to do things you like, go for a walk, go to the gym, meet friends for coffee or lunch, whatever makes you feel good.

It will save you untold grief.

My gf calls it my autisting. But for me it works. I emerge with the stress processed and while I was like this over work stress last week I feel fantastic today.

What I do know is that while I am internally processing like this I am moody and irritable and defensive.

I know that you want to help him, or talk it out or some other myriad of support but sometimes the best support you can give someone is to just let them figure it out themselves and give them the space to do it.

hawley · 14-10-2019 10:08am

Honestly I couldn't deal with that kind of person. Life is too short to be in a relationship with a moody partner. What he is doing is effectively bullying you. He wants the relationship to be on his own terms. Just because he is upset about some familial issues, doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. You need to visit a counsellor; if he doesn't engage, I'd walk.

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 10:15am

hawley wrote: »

Honestly I couldn't deal with that kind of person. Life is too short to be in a relationship with a moody partner. What he is doing is effectively bullying you. He wants the relationship to be on his own terms. Just because he is upset about some familial issues, doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. You need to visit a counsellor; if he doesn't engage, I'd walk.

Seriously? HE IS NOT BULLYING ME!!!

Honestly, I'm 100% sure that he is just trying to deal with his issues, he's having a hard time and I want to understand and help.

He's an incredible, kind, wonderful man. He's allowed to have downtime, I just want to know the best and most helpful way to give him what he needs during this time while also minding myself in the process

qwerty13 · 14-10-2019 10:16am

But he’s not moody. He’s quiet, and doesn’t want to talk at that time about the things stressing him out. Just as described by Mr Incognito.

It is only when the OP tries to get him to come around to her way of dealing with stress (talking about it while it’s happening) that he gets defensive. The OP is probably (unintentionally) making him more stressed.

sbsquarepants · 14-10-2019 10:34am

hawley wrote: »

Honestly I couldn't deal with that kind of person. Life is too short to be in a relationship with a moody partner. What he is doing is effectively bullying you. He wants the relationship to be on his own terms. Just because he is upset about some familial issues, doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. You need to visit a counsellor; if he doesn't engage, I'd walk.

FFS!

You sound delightful altogether.

LolaJJ wrote: »

I wonder, does anyone have any experience of how best to deal with this and is it bad for him to be bottling things up in this way?

Don't mean to sound like an asshole, but have you considered just leaving him alone?

Some people want to talk through their problems and others just prefer to deal with things themselves. I'd be like him and the constant asking "are you ok, would you like to talk about things?" would bug the shít out of me.

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 10:37am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Don't mean to sound like an asshole, but have you considered just leaving him alone?

Some people want to talk through their problems and others just prefer to deal with things themselves. I'd be like him and the constant asking "are you ok, would you like to talk about things?" would bug the shít out of me.

Noted!!! Well, that's why I am here

I understand the current approach isn't working and wanted to figure out a more helpful way

redfox123 · 14-10-2019 10:56am

It’s all well and good people taking a day or two to process whatever is going on, in that time you can go do your own thing and let him destress alone, but this sounds like it goes on for weeks. In this case I really don’t think it is fair on you and you are effectively walking on eggshells for considerable time in your relationship. It is also making you very lonely, you have no partner at these times to work through things together. It’s a relationship; ie you’re supposed to ‘relate’ to each other. Not all the time but most of it.
I don’t think this is actually very sustainable, it doesn’t make you happy and it’s not like he is anyway compromising and telling you give me an hour or two and I’ll chat then, or take you out for something to eat later or on this day so at least you have something to look forward to, to reconnect with him. He is just freezing you out.
You are looking to change yourself to help him. And he is doing nothing to help your situation. I suggest counseling to be able to better work through these times, it takes two to make a relationship work, not one always bending to suit the moods of the other. He needs to better cope with times like this, part of being a grown up in an adult partnership is growing with them and learning to share your life good and bad.

sallyanne12 · 14-10-2019 11:20am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Don't mean to sound like an asshole, but have you considered just leaving him alone?

Some people want to talk through their problems and others just prefer to deal with things themselves. I'd be like him and the constant asking "are you ok, would you like to talk about things?" would bug the shít out of me.

This is true. Men and women in general are completely different with dealing with stress. We like to talk to feel better whereas most men prefer to be alone. I was in the same situation to you OP. It hurt me so much to see my ex upset. I tried everything from the kindness of my heart to help him. I tried to make him talk to feel better. But all I did was push him further away. In my heart I was doing what would make ME feel better but we need to respect what works for them And that's space. Read a book OP "men are from mars, women are from Venus"
It's all explained so well here and I could see myself in so much of the book

qwerty13 · 14-10-2019 11:29am

Might be more of an introvert / extrovert than man / woman thing.

I’m female, and I need alone/down time if I’m upset / stressed. I can remember when I was grieving (like before and just after the funeral) people badgering me into being around them and talking, and I absolutely hated it. I just wanted to be left alone for a while to deal with the stuff in my head. It really frustrates me, cos I think “why won’t you listen to me when I’m telling you that I don’t want to talk about it right now”.

For me, it’s not that I’ll never discuss stressful things. It’s that I really really really don’t want to talk about them while they’re happening. I tried to explain it before that I can only deal with the stressful thing. There’s no room left for talking about it. Which would stress me more. I don’t mind talking things through after the event though. After I’ve processed it.

Having said that, I don’t think I’ve ever done that for weeks on end.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2019 11:36am

I sometimes shut down too (not always) and when I'm like that, the last thing I want is somebody trying to make me talk about it. I've never lashed out at these times but I bitterly resent the intrusion. It helps to know what I have someone to talk to when I feel ready though.

You could do with having a chat with him when he's not under stress and find out what he would like you to do. It'd also help if he knew where you stand on this. You both have very different ways of dealing with stress and understanding where the other person stands is helpful.

leggo · 14-10-2019 12:26pm

Whether it's bad or not (we can't tell), it's his way and I'd venture to say that you're the one with the mild issue in this instance. It sounds like you have a really nice relationship and he does acknowledge that he can be off and make it up to you.

What it sounds like to me is that you're a bit anxious and looking for triggers for where something could go wrong. That can have the affect of setting the things you're worried about into motion and actually pushing him away when you want him to be close. So what I'd focus on is dealing with that aspect and asking yourself why it bothers you and you need him to open up extensively about his private issues. I think you'll get a lot further and your relationship will be much happier if you get to the root of that.

qwerty13 · 14-10-2019 12:46pm

You asked about how best to deal with this. If I were if his shoes, what I’d really like is:

1) I’d like to have the freedom to be able to say that I needed down time / not to talk for a while - and for that not to be taken badly

2) If I was very quiet, to only be asked once if I was ok. No repeated asking.

3) not to pressured into “doing stuff to take my mind off things” or “you might feel better if you x,y,z”.

4) not to have it referred to as me being moody. Not feckin moody!! Just quiet and processing.

5) for people to understand that just because I’m not currently talking, doesn’t mean I’m “not talking to them”. It’s me dealing with me stuff.

I’m wondering what he’s like if you’re stressed about something of yours. Like not a relationship issue, something separate like work. Does he have any issue talking about that stuff with you?

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 1:24pm

Thanks for all the advice!

Firstly, I don't think it's an issue of me pushing him away as I tend to leave him to it, I might ask once in a while if he is OK and I'm pretty aware from the reaction I already described that he doesn't enjoy that so I wouldn't be pushing the issue in that regard.

Similarly, if he tells me he doesn't want to talk about something I will not ask him to talk about it. That's a simple respect thing. If he's annoyed he will give me a very brief synopsis of what is going on or why his day/week has been crap and then he'll say "I don't want to discuss it" and I say OK.

We sit in silence and i guess, because I like to go over the details of what's going on when i have a bad day, and he gives me his undivided attention, offers really good advice, or just reassures me and stuff.... I kind of naturally want to return the favour but I completely get that what works for me doesn't work for him.

I guess, i just feel a bit lonely when it goes on for an excessively long period of time. Also, when it is something that goes on for weeks and someone is being off for that period of time, even the most secure of people in a relationship start to feel like maybe the issue is with them, you know, like "Have I done something wrong?". He gets pissed if I ask that, so I don't, but I guess I feel like I'm worrying about him because he's upset and i am completely unable to help. Then I'm worrying that I have done something wrong but I can't ask.

It's not all the time. He had a long bout of this back in April but he's been fine since that, then over the weekend a lot of crappy things happened and it's started again, I just want to handle it better this time around

S.G.M. · 14-10-2019 1:27pm

sallyanne12 wrote:

This is true. Men and women in general are completely different with dealing with stress. We like to talk to feel better whereas most men prefer to be alone. I was in the same situation to you OP. It hurt me so much to see my ex upset. I tried everything from the kindness of my heart to help him. I tried to make him talk to feel better. But all I did was push him further away. In my heart I was doing what would make ME feel better but we need to respect what works for them And that's space. Read a book OP "men are from mars, women are from Venus" It's all explained so well here and I could see myself in so much of the book

I don't think most men 'prefer' to be alone. A lot want to be alone cos they don't want to show weakness to their partner. I personally think a would love to feel like they can open up but even if their partner is very supportive (like the OP sounds) society has ingrained it in us that sharing our problems shows people that we are weak which in reality that's bull****.

zapper55 · 14-10-2019 2:08pm

Lola I dont know that you can handle it better. Tbh you are handling it better than most would. I lived with someone that I had to walk on eggshells with at times and I didnt realise how stressful and how much of a toll it was until the relationship finished. It was horrific. Do you feel that at times you cant relax in your home?

You mention that these are stresses that are unavoidable for him. But the way he reacts is his choice. Is he attending counselling? If not why not? (Not for answering on here, more for you to think about).

What happens if/when you have kids and he goes into a zone for however long. You might as well be a single parent then.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2019 6:54pm

I can identify with your boyfriend Lola and I am a female. When I am under pressure or stressed, I retreat into myself to try to get a grip on it and work out how I feel. I can talk about minor things, but anything major requires a massive amount of reflection and space for me. It's not about being cold, it's just the way that I handle things.
My husband is a talker or a ranter when he is stressed. He wants to talk about everything in great detail, which up to a point is fine when it's his problems, but he really stresses me out. He gets very worked up and angry and I tend to retreat, which drives him mad.
A family member of mine had a very serious illness. I didn't really discuss it in detail. I told him that I was anxious, stressed, upset, etc. but I didn't have long debates about it. He spoke endlessly about how worried he was about my relative and my reaction to it. It put a huge amount of pressure on me and I have never really gotten over it.
I won't lie, it's hard to understand another person's point of view. I will tell him that I am worried or stressed and that I need some space or I will ask him to park a topic of conversation for a few hours or a day. He doesn't get it, so if I say that I want to go for a walk alone, he will not let me because he is worried about my state of mind. I just need peace and quiet to think! If I ask him to drop something until the next day, he will mention it at least five times and try to get a plan of action out of me. I do not have the mental capacity to deal with it.
I would say that it is costing me my marriage. He doesn't understand me at all and it's really impacting my mental health. Your boyfriend seems to be similar to me. I think that you need to listen to him. If he wants to sit and zone out, just leave him to it. Every interruption is just going to prolong the process. Find other things to do to fill the time. This stress will not last forever.
Take care of yourself and remember that it's just his way and not personal.

ElizaBennett · 14-10-2019 7:31pm

I think for his bouts of stress and quietness to go on for weeks on end sounds more like he's in the realms of depression tbh. He's not coping if he's in a place where his life is affected to this extent. Maybe you could talk to him during a good time and suggest help might be needed. Being in a funk for a day or two is fine but weeks... nah...

qwerty13 · 14-10-2019 10:18pm

That’s interesting Eliza. I hadn’t thought of that, and I’d be very like the OP’s boyfriend. Altho I did say that I wouldn’t be like him for weeks on end.

For me it’s more a case of give me space for an hour or two, or a day or two if it’s something I find very stressful. I think the OP mentioned family stresses. I guess something like that could be serious or recurring enough to cause a long period of not wanting to talk about it, I don’t know.

SB1987 · 30-10-2019 10:29am

LolaJJ wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice!

Firstly, I don't think it's an issue of me pushing him away as I tend to leave him to it, I might ask once in a while if he is OK and I'm pretty aware from the reaction I already described that he doesn't enjoy that so I wouldn't be pushing the issue in that regard.

Similarly, if he tells me he doesn't want to talk about something I will not ask him to talk about it. That's a simple respect thing. If he's annoyed he will give me a very brief synopsis of what is going on or why his day/week has been crap and then he'll say "I don't want to discuss it" and I say OK.

We sit in silence and i guess, because I like to go over the details of what's going on when i have a bad day, and he gives me his undivided attention, offers really good advice, or just reassures me and stuff.... I kind of naturally want to return the favour but I completely get that what works for me doesn't work for him.

I guess, i just feel a bit lonely when it goes on for an excessively long period of time. Also, when it is something that goes on for weeks and someone is being off for that period of time, even the most secure of people in a relationship start to feel like maybe the issue is with them, you know, like "Have I done something wrong?". He gets pissed if I ask that, so I don't, but I guess I feel like I'm worrying about him because he's upset and i am completely unable to help. Then I'm worrying that I have done something wrong but I can't ask.

It's not all the time. He had a long bout of this back in April but he's been fine since that, then over the weekend a lot of crappy things happened and it's started again, I just want to handle it better this time around

This is like me and my husband. It's so annoying and frustrating.

He'll come home from work and I'll ask "How was your day?" and he'll respond "Fine". He doesn't elaborate on anything. Or I'll get a shoulder shrug and "Meh".

I got to the point where I just didn't ask any more. He can chat with the lads on the phone but couldn't have a conversation with his partner!

He was always in a bad mood from factors from work, family etc and was bringing them home and dumping it all on me with his coldness, moodiness. He would have a constant scowl on his face. The atmosphere was tense.

This started affecting the relationship. Be careful he doesn't get worse.

Whilst this is obviously who he is, he has no right to bring that into your relationship. If he does he has to explain it, even if feels like it's pulling teeth.
Him keeping stuff inside will only make things worse.

You can't rush it. But he has to break down those walls.

pinkyeye · 31-10-2019 11:53pm

I'm a female and I would be very much like OP's partner. I suffer huge stress from my family but I don't want to talk about it 24/7, I do retreat into myself and from reading the OP I need to stop that carry on going on for too long. It can be selfish.

On the other hand not everyone wants an "answer" or a "cliché" to their problem. They know it's ****, nothing is going to change it being ****, they just need to think about how to deal with it and move on. The main lesson for me is to move on faster.

ILoveYourVibes · 03-11-2019 11:06pm

Can you learn how to try and calm him? Or only engage when he is in a safe space?

Maybe when he is in that frame of mind ..drop the subject but continue to engage with him on a less threatening subject. When you feel you guys are both calm relaxed etc sitting on the sofa gentle reassuring him its ok then talk about the subject you need to?

Idbatterim · 03-11-2019 11:26pm

Is the issue with your partners situation , that is causing the stress , likely to change any time soon op?

Idbatterim · 03-11-2019 11:29pm

pinkyeye wrote: »

I'm a female and I would be very much like OP's partner. I suffer huge stress from my family but I don't want to talk about it 24/7, I do retreat into myself and from reading the OP I need to stop that carry on going on for too long. It can be selfish.

On the other hand not everyone wants an "answer" or a "cliché" to their problem. They know it's ****, nothing is going to change it being ****, they just need to think about how to deal with it and move on. The main lesson for me is to move on faster.

100%. Many people I know in difficult situation with family. There is a genuine issue there. As if it’s just a case of dealing with it differently! Often the only thing that will change the situation, is a fundamental change in the situation!

Is he coming back to a then stressful living environment too op? Like a noisy apartment etc ? Or can he properly switch off when home ?

How to deal with someone who just shuts down...

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