Breaking up with "The one"

The Young Wan · 22-05-2021 1:32pm #1

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) broke up with me last night. He said he didn't see a future for us together as I had been envisioning it.

I am completely devastated, I've been sitting crying all morning with no idea what to do.

How do I come back from this? What makes it harder is I live abroad, have little to no support system here, and will likely need to come back home and start all over.

PHG · 22-05-2021 1:50pm

Hi OP,

First of all, it will pass but it will take time and each persons time to heal is different.

I was in a near identical situation as you with no friends and family in a new country (I had just moved there) and it was very much overwhelming.

Firstly, try to keep busy. I joined meetup and made a good friends there through coffee mornings and sporting events. Do you have an an expat facebook group in your area? Obviously some oddballs on every group but I organised going to watch the 6 nations as a starter. I met 2 people, which over a year turned into many new friends. Take time to heal and don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes you will need to force it to go out and meet new people(covid dependent). Also try joining a club that interests you and don't be afraid to go out on your own. I promise you its not strange going out for a coffee, lunch or pub on your own and watching the world go by.

With heartbreak comes pain and a hole that needs to be filled. This will need to be filled with the love for yourself and becoming ok with yourself too and learning to be comfortable on your own. It will happen in time and you will be happier for it. I did go and talk to a professional to help me which worked wonders too. You will find you tell friends and family the same story 100 times before you stop telling it, but just remember that each time you tell the story or cry or whatever, it is one less tie you have to do it until ok with what happened.

There is rarely, if ever, such a thing as closure or "lets meet one more time and talk" etc. Get off their socials if you are looking (hopefully you block them or they block you) as it will extend the pain. As for "the one". I believe there is multiple "the ones" in the world, there has to be!!! I'm on my 3rd "the one" now and its the best one

.

You will never love another person like you loved the last, it is always different but you can love the next "the one" just as much and more but differently as the last.

xzanti · 22-05-2021 2:40pm

Great advice from PHG.

What you're feeling is a form of grief; and like with all grief, it is a process.

Give yourself lots of time and be kind to yourself. Talk, cry, speak to a counsellor, eat your favourite foods, watch your favourite films, whatever you need to do for comfort.

And I agree that a clean break is necessary for healing. So remaining friends on social media or other avenues is a bad idea imho.

I wish you all the best.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-05-2021 3:15pm

Were you thinking of moving home anyway? From what I remember of your posts you didn't move to be with him. I think I remember you saying you knew nobody when you originally moved. So breaking up with him shouldn't mean that you need to come home. It might mean that you want to come home, but that's different.

You'll obviously have to work out the logistics if you lived together. But pinning your entire life on "the one" is not healthy. You don't need to depend on him for somewhere to live, or for a relationship, or for friendship etc. Being your own independent person is such a powerful thing. You don't NEED anyone else. If you can accept that of yourself then that means that any partner enhances your life rather than defines it.

I think from your various threads here that you are not a particularly confident person. You don't trust your own judgement and regularly look to others to guide you and make your decisions for you. This is a perfect opportunity to start figuring out what YOU want. What YOU like. What YOU would enjoy. Take your time. But start changing your mindset. You are an adult, and should now be in a place where you are confident to make your own choices.

Maybe a counsellor/life coach/guidance counsellor etc could help you get started?

Henry Ford III · 22-05-2021 3:19pm

It's tough going OP but if he wanted out I reckon he wasn't "the one".

leggo · 22-05-2021 3:54pm

OP I don’t remember your other posts so can’t give insight based on them, but for now if I were you I’d view having to move home as a positive that’ll really help you with this. Not only will you be around people who support you, but having been through and recovered well from several tough break-ups...the number one daily struggle is dealing with the hole that person leaves in your life, to do things and go places that reminds you of them and sets you back.

You start recovering when you accept that you need to build a new life without them, get a new routine and gradually in time not only do they begin to fade (even if that seems impossible to imagine right now) but you start to look forward to things in your new life/routine.

You obviously are very raw now and may not see this or agree, that’s okay. But the fact that you’re in a position where you have to do this will benefit you hugely in time, trust me. Do things in your own time where possible, but don’t fear the rebuilding stage, it’s actually your path out of this so the quicker you can get to it, the better.

Ellie2008 · 22-05-2021 5:36pm

OP “the one” broke up with me many moons ago. Im much more content now than I ever would have been with him. If you’d told me that at the time I wouldn’t have listened.
Come home & re establish yourself. Life goes on & it’s short.

Rubberchikken · 22-05-2021 5:52pm

I'm sorry Op.
It's a tough thing to experience so try to take it day by day.
As others have said, it is a firm of grieving. You feel a loss for all you've had and for all you were hoping for.
Be kind to yourself.

JustAThought · 22-05-2021 6:38pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) broke up with me last night. He said he didn't see a future for us together as I had been envisioning it.

I am completely devastated, I've been sitting crying all morning with no idea what to do.

How do I come back from this? What makes it harder is I live abroad, have little to no support system here, and will likely need to come back home and start all over.

I’m very sorry to read that your heart and dreams have been shattered.

Although its very hard don’t rush immediately to come back here - have you a job over there and do you have your own appartment? Maybe he should be the one to move out or at least help you find and organise the logistics for a new history free place - especially if s/he has the language advantage. It will be hard and really hurtful for a while but thinks will eventually hurt less and become better, even though it might be impossible to see that now.

Germany (if thats where you are) is a good country with a far greater range of opportunities and scope for a great life at the moment - almost everything is still shut down here and half the country unemployed or on some kind of dole schemes - I wouldn’t be in a hurry to pack your bags and come back here in any hurry - you’d be far better staying there than having a double shock of emigree return and unemployment with no stamps or housing here.

Take it slowly.

I’m very sorry to hear they don’t feel the same about you anymore. People and situations change. Better days will come. And people.

At least they were honest and open with you hurtful and shocking thou it may have been. Nobody goes into a long term relationship hoping for this outcome.

ILoveYourVibes · 22-05-2021 6:42pm

From an emotional point of view ....this will pass.

I don't know how entangled you were in this relationship financially etc though. I don't know how complex that is for you.

I imagine from what you are talking about that might be part of it?

If so moving back home might be a good idea.

Its best you find out now OP.

And you CAN come back better than ever. x

Ms. Newbie18 · 23-05-2021 12:20am

The Young Wan wrote: »

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) broke up with me last night. He said he didn't see a future for us together as I had been envisioning it.

I am completely devastated, I've been sitting crying all morning with no idea what to do.

How do I come back from this? What makes it harder is I live abroad, have little to no support system here, and will likely need to come back home and start all over.

Hi OP,

The 1st few days you are bound to be emotional. Don't make any rash decisions re moving home now. Give it Time. Why you maybe heartbroken now and miss the person. I have found that a lot of the time people miss the routine they had with their OH more than anything .

Do you have your ownset of friends separate from your OH? If so go to them and let them help you heal.
I would also Download the meetup app and get out there to meet new people too. It will help keep your mind busy.

Remove your social media connections. Looking oner their post and seeing what they're doing will not help you heal.

Tork · 23-05-2021 1:24am

I remember some of your other threads and can't help but wonder was this relationship really a 100% perfect fit for you? You never fully came to grips with the language and weren't at peace with the idea of living forever in Germany. Did you ever manage to build a better relationship with his family? Were ye still going to stay with his family every weekend? With that sort of continued closeness to his family, it would not surprise me if he ends up moving back to that area and living near them. These sort of things rumbling away in the background can cause a lot of harm to the best of relationships.

Would returning to Ireland really be a disaster for you? Apart from your job and your ex, there doesn't appear to be anything holding you in Germany.

Other than that, I can only echo what the others have said about self-care. Breakups are horrible, harrowing things and it's harder when you're somewhat isolated. Have you talked to anybody at home yet? Don't bottle this up.

JustAThought · 23-05-2021 12:43pm

Tork wrote: »

I remember some of your other threads and can't help but wonder was this relationship really a 100% perfect fit for you? You never fully came to grips with the language and weren't at peace with the idea of living forever in Germany. Did you ever manage to build a better relationship with his family? Were ye still going to stay with his family every weekend? With that sort of continued closeness to his family, it would not surprise me if he ends up moving back to that area and living near them. These sort of things rumbling away in the background can cause a lot of harm to the best of relationships.

Would returning to Ireland really be a disaster for you? Apart from your job and your ex, there doesn't appear to be anything holding you in Germany.

Other than that, I can only echo what the others have said about self-care. Breakups are horrible, harrowing things and it's harder when you're somewhat isolated. Have you talked to anybody at home yet? Don't bottle this up.

If the OP was isolated in germany and stuck with ‘only’ a family she’ll be shocked if she returns here - nothing open, no clubs, no gyms, no restaurants, no pubs, no nightclubs or bars ,no in-house visits, no meeting friends in their or your house and everyone scrambling to find work or barely clinging on in financially unviable crumbling industries to dissappearing poorly paid jobs. Not inly will it not be the country, comraderie or friendships she left but it is now an entirely different place. She’d have a far better chance of making new friends by joining an alumini network in Germany or an ex-pat english speaking group or even linking up with others via meetup in one of the big irish communities or open bars. Language won’t be an issue them and she can probably get more and better help with friendships and groups and life than anything she might drag up here - certainly the way the country is at the moment. Running back here to her parents boxroom might set her back 10 or 15 years and it certainly won’t be the country or friendships she remembers.

Maybe ‘schedule’ whatsapp conversations or skype/zoom calls with family but what will they alsay other than we love you and put themselves to twll her to come home. And then what? No social insurance, no job, no jobs available generally, half the country on the dole or PUP payments, nothing open, nowhere to
go or be and frankly not much to look forward to . At least in Germany the country is OPEN, jobs exist, you can afford to rent, you have options and a far higher standard of life and living AND a very strong english speaking supportive community if you go and seek it out. You won’t get any of that here. I wouldn’t be so quick to urge a
knee jerk reaction to poverty and impovrishment and the social isolation and covid based misery we read about day after day in all our media outlets.

Losing the love of her life is a harsh blow - but it dosn’t follow that she is then knee-jerked into giving up everything else as well. Things will get better there - OP needs to frame a path to make it work for her needs and goals - not just run back to an obsolete home where all her friends and social circle has moved on without her - to poverty and to nothing.

Tork · 23-05-2021 1:05pm

Have you read her other threads?

leggo · 23-05-2021 6:59pm

JustAThought wrote: »

If the OP was isolated in germany and stuck with ‘only’ a family she’ll be shocked if she returns here - nothing open, no clubs, no gyms, no restaurants, no pubs, no nightclubs or bars ,no in-house visits, no meeting friends in their or your house and everyone scrambling to find work or barely clinging on in financially unviable crumbling industries to dissappearing poorly paid jobs.

This comes across as an anti-lockdown/government rant that has absolutely nothing to do with the OP and their situation.

If you move country to be with someone, and they were your only reason to stay in that country, then of course it makes sense to move home (even if some people in your home country are unhappy there themselves for various reasons). If OP has a life over there, great career, large friend network etc...then yeah of course they’d probably be better staying. But that’s all down to what the OP’s current personal situation is, not what your opinion of Ireland is.

23-05-2021 7:08pm

I went through a tough break up last year, right before lockdown 1.

I think time is the best healer, which is unfortunate because you want nothing more than to get out of this feeling. But it just takes time. How you spend that time will dictate how hard it will be. Try to avoid crutches like alcohol, drugs or overeating, etc. They will only make you feel worse in the long run, even if they provide temporary relief.

It's better to spend the time on things that both distract you, and make you feel good. Only you know what that means to you, but for me it meant going to the gym, hiking, climbing, spending time with friends and family. Just surround yourself with fun and wholesome things as much as possible. Try to take up a new hobby or pastime. Maybe you've always wanted to join a cycling club or something, well, this is the time to do it. You get the idea. Thankfully things are opening up again, I had to go through all of this locked in my apartment!

Maybe moving home is the right idea, but I'd give that some time before you decide. It's a big decision.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

Lmkrnr · 23-05-2021 7:15pm

You'll be grand when the next "one" arrives. Dont worry to much as those feelings you had and have now are normal. You will feel that love again with some else, someone who feels the same.

Thelonious Monk · 24-05-2021 12:20am

Lmkrnr wrote: »

You will feel that love again with some else, someone who feels the same.

Well maybe she wont, many people end up alone! It's being comfortable and happy by yourself is what she should focus on.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2021 9:35am

People come back from it all the time, the vast majority of us in fact. Where you are right now, I 100% understand that you will find it almost impossible to see that but you will get there.

There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling now so just go with it, don't shy away from it and allow yourself the time to properly process it.

Ubbquittious · 26-05-2021 12:55am

The Young Wan wrote: »

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) broke up with me last night. He said he didn't see a future for us together as I had been envisioning it.

I am completely devastated, I've been sitting crying all morning with no idea what to do.

How do I come back from this? What makes it harder is I live abroad, have little to no support system here, and will likely need to come back home and start all over.

Awww you craythur

*hugs*

Breaking up with "The one"

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