Ashamed of my scum actions

Hi Op. Like others have said I think you are being overly harsh on yourself with words like "Scum" and "crazy" and "f'ed up" and "disgusting" and "fraud" and "freak".

Similarly on the other side however I would not automatically agree or disagree with the users above saying you are doing nothing wrong either. "Wrong" is relative.

Every relationship is different and the "line in the sand" where your partner would consider an infidelity a deal breaker is different to the next partner and the next. Some people would be fine with it. Other partners see things like online interactions and porn as an infidelity. No one is "right" or "wrong" in that. Each of us has our own line in the sand and we have every right to. We do not know what your girlfriend's line in the sand is here. Only you and her know this.

As such the people saying it is not cheating are no more or less right or wrong than the people who are saying it is cheating. Your relationship with your girlfriend and her personal boundaries and expectations for that relationship define whether it is or is not cheating. No one and nothing else does.

As for trying to understand why you keep engaging in a cycle of self-pleasure / shame - the likely answer here is that you have a compulsive behaviour. Many people have this. Compulsions and addictions have many similar attributes but they are somewhat distinct too. Usually a professional can help you deal with compulsions. Some specialise specifically in compulsive behaviours.

Generally they help by using one or more techniques to get to the root of, and undermine, the compulsion. It may be for example that the root of your compulsion is that there is something else missing in your life that this compulsion acts as a proxy / substitute for. Or it may simply be that your dopamine / pleasure responses have become accustomed over time to this stimulus and your brain just makes you seek it out despite yourself and you need to "untrain" this in yourself. Or it might be that the behaviour validates some impression you have of yourself. For example if you are convinced on some level you are a bad and shameful person you might seek out behaviours that confirm to yourself that you are the bad and shameful person you believe yourself to be. Or or or or the list goes on about what it might be.

So you need to get to the root of the compulsion either through introspection on your own - with the support of your girlfriend or someone else in your life - or a mental health professional.

To throw out a few other random ideas however:

1) If you want to go "nuclear" on the issue however you could take a few steps to minimise the possibilities of you engaging in the behaviour. Smart Phones are a big part of this I am guessing - just as an example. Ask yourself do you really actually need a Smart Phone? Many of us are so used to them it is hard to imagine not having one. But why not consider downgrading to a simple "call and SMS only" phone - without browsers and dating apps and the like? Even if only for a year or so while you "untrain" your compulsions?

2) A lot of couples - in fact I have enjoyed this one myself on a few occasions - like to role play the chase and flirt and the hunt. That is they start to email or text each other intentionally from fake accounts or emails pretending to be strangers and they flirt to the point of meeting up for a sexual encounter or a date. Perhaps that kind of role play / game would feed some of the roots of your compulsion but direct them into a more healthy outlet.

3) If you can identify a certain time of day / week that these compulsions tend to surface then you could invest yourself in hobbies and outlets that take up exactly that time. If for example you find Friday evening is when you start getting the urge to create a profile then make Friday evening the time you train for a half marathon / marathon. So instead of sitting with your phone you are out in the fresh air running for 1 / 2 / 3 hours. Or if not running just some hobby or outlet that gets you out of the location your brain has come to associate with your compulsion and urges.

4) Similar to above if there are not just times - but other things - that you associate with the onset of your compulsion then try to undermine those too. LegacyUser above mentions alcohol for example. Sometimes a compulsion comes as a follow on to another compulsion. So you might not dream of setting up a fake profile normally - but after a few beers you would. So instead of focusing on the latter compulsion focus on the beer drinking instead. Whatever the "triggers" are for you - try to identify them and undermine them as well as the main compulsion itself.

In general though the cycle of shame and self judgement is only going to make you feel weak - and undermine your ability to deal with the issue. You have recognised a part of yourself you do not like and want to change. That makes you a good person not a bad one. A bad person is one who does not recognise their own faults or - worse - recognises them and does not care. The fact you do care and want to change already means you are not the horrible person you think yourself to be. It means the opposite. So put aside the self judgement and realise that all of us fall when we try to pursue change in our lives. The strength of character comes from getting back up and continuing the attempt. Humans seem prone to judge themselves by their failures rather than by their attempts and their ability to continue to attempt even despite those failures. So shift your perspective on that one too and you will find yourself in a better place mentally to deal with the issue(s) before you.