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House guests. Is this unreasonable?

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    #32
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,152 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    They'll be sleeping in my room and I'll be in the living room. And I pretty much told her three weeks out, as by that point my friends had already made their plans. I get that this was perhaps my first error and I should've asked her instead of told her . . .
    Well, hindsight is a great teacher. But, yeah, you should have asked her. And, more, you should have asked her before you made any commitments to your friends, or allowed them to make any plans that depended on staying with you. As others have pointed out, this is her home as well as yours, and she may not be comfortable about sharing it for so long with two people who are, to her, complete strangers. I don't think this is "balanced" by her having the place to herself much of the time.

    By the sound of it, she's approaching this reasonably, and she accepts that you've made commitments to your friends that can't be unwound at this point. Do what you can to make your friends' stay as unobtrusive as possible. And, yes, a gift. And, I suggest, apologise to her, accept that you ought not to have invited friends to stay in your shared home for such a long period without having discussed it with her in advance, and make it clear that you won't make that mistake again.


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    #33
    Steer55
    Closed Accounts Posts: 226 ✭✭Steer55


    Book an Airbnb for them, depending on what part of London you are in, you can get some pretty good deals.that won't break the bank. Prob best thing to do to keep the peace all round.


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    #34
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    On one side i can agree that this is a huge upset for your housemate, on other hand the door swings both ways and if housemate wants a partner or friend over same non allowance could be enforced.

    I agree with others that plan around housemates working times and invite them for a few meals or get a gift for inconvenience.

    What will you do if housemate decides to complain to landlord and ban friends staying though ?


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    #35
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,040 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    No it's just one sitting room. I've told her I'll keep her privy to my plans day by day so she's aware of our movements.

    So for 6 nights the sitting room will be your bedroom, the room you say she spends most nights in? I presume that even for the 3 nights you're away you will be leaving bedding etc in there? I really think they should make new plans for the second three nights.


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    #36
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,290 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    the_syco wrote: »
    Perhaps find out what times she "works from home" on the weekdays, and try not to be there during that time? IMO that's probably the thing that she's most concerned about, especially if she is on the phone a lot.

    Oh, and it should go without saying, if the OP isn't on the property, the guests shouldn't either.


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    #37
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Caranica wrote: »
    So for 6 nights the sitting room will be your bedroom, the room you say she spends most nights in? I presume that even for the 3 nights you're away you will be leaving bedding etc in there? I really think they should make new plans for the second three nights.

    Yes. I’m honestly not sure how bad I’m feeling about this tbh, as it’s a room I spend little to zero time in on a daily basis as she’s permanently planted there and it’s not like it’ll be “off limits”, I’ll be simply sleeping there from 11pm onwards. Maybe having a meal or two in there.

    I’ve thought about it overnight and I will send her a text to try to keep things reasonable between us. She’s a nice girl. I’ll apologise for not asking her first and tell her we’ll try to stay out of her way during the day. But I won’t be making alternative arrangements or making my guests feel bad, I pay a lot of rent and she’s got a good deal with me and my work hours generally.


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    #38
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Some folk here come across as REALLY uptight.

    It's a temporary arrangement.


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    #39
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Enzo Shrilling Stimulus wrote: »
    Some folk here come across as REALLY uptight.

    It's a temporary arrangement.

    I don't get this response, it is generally accepted that those who own or rent a home are entitled to unmolested enjoyment of where they live.

    Both the op and housemate are equally entitled to this, however when one party invites more people into the home, even on a temporary basis it can upset the other which is why some of the responses may appear harsh, but the housemate is entitled to air their issues with the arrangement op has made temporary or not.


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    #40
    Lumen
    Registered Users Posts: 31,019 ✭✭✭✭Lumen


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    she’s got a good deal with me and my work hours generally.
    The opposite of you not being around is you being around, not you camping overnight in the living room with two strangers in your bedroom.

    Also, I don't think you've answered the question about the gender of the guests. Are you leaving her alone with two men she doesn't know?

    Don't feel bad, your feelings are irrelevant so it's pointless.


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    #41
    spurious
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 27,138 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    Six days is a long time for guests, believe me. I feel sorry for the OP and the flatmate, both of whom have had this landed on them. Any chance you could get them to bazz off to the Lake District or somewhere for three days in the middle?


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    #42
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Lumen wrote: »
    The opposite of you not being around is you being around, not you camping overnight in the living room with two strangers in your bedroom.

    Also, I don't think you've answered the question about the gender of the guests. Are you leaving her alone with two men she doesn't know?

    Don't feel bad, your feelings are irrelevant so it's pointless.

    No, it's two female friends.

    I never said me "camping" in the living room was the opposite of me never being there, I was bringing it up as perspective on something that I feel may be influencing my flatmate's feelings i.e she's used to having the run of the place.


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    #43
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    I don't think this is a major issue.

    This is part and parcel of being in a house share, you don't get everything your own way 100% of the time.

    If this was happening regularly, I can understand that she may be annoyed, but these are your first guests in over a year, so its hardly a regular occurrence.

    The only thing about this that I wouldnt like is you camping in the living room which is a communal space. Is there anyway of everyone cramming into your room? If that were the case, then I dont think she'd be that impacted. This is the only bit that I think is pushing it slightly, but in principal having guests for 6 nights out of the year is not unreasonable IMO.


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    #44
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    SozBbz wrote: »
    I don't think this is a major issue.

    This is part and parcel of being in a house share, you don't get everything your own way 100% of the time.

    If this was happening regularly, I can understand that she may be annoyed, but these are your first guests in over a year, so its hardly a regular occurrence.

    The only thing about this that I wouldnt like is you camping in the living room which is a communal space. Is there anyway of everyone cramming into your room? If that were the case, then I dont think she'd be that impacted. This is the only bit that I think is pushing it slightly, but in principal having guests for 6 nights out of the year is not unreasonable IMO.


    Unfortunately not as it's a tiny room, three people in there would be a stretch tbh. Appreciate your insights.


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    #45
    Wheety
    Registered Users Posts: 5,510 ✭✭✭Wheety


    Have a chat with her and tell her you'll be gone for the week after they leave. Tell her you know it's disrupting her but in general she has a good run of the place. I presume they'll be out of the house most of the time doing touristy things, so mention this too.

    Also explain to your guests that this woman lives here and pays just as much rent as you (I'm guessing) so it's her home too, and she works from home. If your guests respect this, I think it'll be ok.


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    #46
    Wheety
    Registered Users Posts: 5,510 ✭✭✭Wheety


    spurious wrote: »
    Six days is a long time for guests, believe me. I feel sorry for the OP and the flatmate, both of whom have had this landed on them. Any chance you could get them to bazz off to the Lake District or somewhere for three days in the middle?

    They're (including the OP) heading to Ireland for 3 days in the middle.


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    #47
    spurious
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 27,138 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    Wheety wrote:
    They're (including the OP) heading to Ireland for 3 days in the middle.


    Oh I missed that. That's really not so bad then. It's really just a one and two day stay.


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    #48
    irelandrover
    Registered Users Posts: 3,698 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    What does your housemate actually want? From the OP it seems like she is just raising the point so that it doesn't happen again.


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    #49
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,429 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    spurious wrote: »
    Oh I missed that. That's really not so bad then. It's really just a one and two day stay.
    I think it's three, three, and three. Not a bad compromise though.


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    #50
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    To clarify, they'll be staying 6 nights altogether (3 there, 3 away, 3 again after Ireland)


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    #51
    red petal
    Registered Users Posts: 132 ✭✭red petal


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    To clarify, they'll be staying 6 nights altogether (3 there, 3 away, 3 again after Ireland)

    I wouldn't enjoy having 2 people I don't know staying in my home for 6 nights, especially if I worked from home. If I were you, I would offer to pay an extra weeks rent to your housemate. She may not accept it, but I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture.


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    #52
    mrslancaster
    Registered Users Posts: 1,785 ✭✭✭mrslancaster


    Does your flatmate work from home in the communal living space or in her own personal area of the flat?

    If she uses the communal area every day to work in surely it's not a big deal for you to use it to sleep in for a few nights?


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    #53
    Still waters
    Registered Users Posts: 1,166 ✭✭✭Still waters


    She'll get over it


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    #54
    El_Duderino 09
    Registered Users Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭El_Duderino 09


    If you asked her in house time, discussed it with her and she agreed then it would be settled. At that point it would be a done deal and she would probably just have to sick it up.

    But you didn't ASK her. So you didn't really discuss it so you didn't settle the matter. That's why I think it's actually fair enough that she decided she's not happy with the arrangement.

    Maybe you can talk her around but if she puts her foot down then I think you're only option is for your friends to stay elsewhere.

    If you completely disregard her and have your friends stay without her consent, then I think you'd be completely in the wrong.

    Other matters like her having a good deal the rest of the time might be something you can use to argue your case but ultimately the decision is your flatmate's. The decision is up to her.


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    #55
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    I think 6 nights is too much for 2 guests in a 2 bed flat and I dont know why you keep stressing on the fact that you travel a lot - thats irrelevant. The property is there for you to be in every night of the week, that you happen not to be there because you are away with work doesnt mean that you then have the freedom to take over the one sitting room for 6 nights while you have 2 house guests staying.

    Realistically, you should have your guests stay in a hotel/airbnb etc.. I dont have a spare room in my home and for that reason I wouldnt have anyone to stay over, I just have nowhere to put them.


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    #56
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    El_Duderino 09 wrote: »
    If you asked her in house time, discussed it with her and she agreed then it would be settled. At that point it would be a done deal and she would probably just have to sick it up.

    But you didn't ASK her. So you didn't really discuss it so you didn't settle the matter. That's why I think it's actually fair enough that she decided she's not happy with the arrangement.

    Maybe you can talk her around but if she puts her foot down then I think you're only option is for your friends to stay elsewhere.

    If you completely disregard her and have your friends stay without her consent, then I think you'd be completely in the wrong.

    Other matters like her having a good deal the rest of the time might be something you can use to argue your case but ultimately the decision is your flatmate's. The decision is up to her.

    What can the flatmate actually do? I doubt the OP is breaching their lease in whats been outlined, so I don't know what you're suggesting.

    All the flatmate can achieve is a falling out. While the OP certainly could have handled things better, as they are both equal tenants, I don't see what recourse the flatmate has to change matters.


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    #57
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    El_Duderino 09 wrote: »
    If you asked her in house time, discussed it with her and she agreed then it would be settled. At that point it would be a done deal and she would probably just have to sick it up.

    But you didn't ASK her. So you didn't really discuss it so you didn't settle the matter. That's why I think it's actually fair enough that she decided she's not happy with the arrangement.

    Maybe you can talk her around but if she puts her foot down then I think you're only option is for your friends to stay elsewhere.

    If you completely disregard her and have your friends stay without her consent, then I think you'd be completely in the wrong.

    Other matters like her having a good deal the rest of the time might be something you can use to argue your case but ultimately the decision is your flatmate's. The decision is up to her.

    Well, no. I agree I approached it wrong and I've apologised for that. I've also assured her that we'll be out and about doing touristy things most of the day, but will be back some evenings and may use the garden or sitting room during those times.

    But they're arriving tomorrow and will be staying with me as planned.

    To answer another question, yes she does use the communal space for working from home, as well as most evenings and weekends. She's a nice person and I get on well with her in general, so apologising was important here for how I went about this. But equally I'm not about to back down on plans out of a sense of duty or obligation when she gets a good run of the place on a day to day basis and is inconvenienced by a temporary change to that routine.


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    #58
    DSN
    Registered Users Posts: 288 ✭✭DSN


    She'll get over it. Sounds like she was saying it so it wouldnt happen again. Just warn your guests they need to be up & out in the morning & not annoy her with their chatter lol. She sounds a bit precious & agree has a great deal since it sounds like she loves her own space but cant afford it & with you she's got the best of both worlds. What would she do if decided to work from home full time as well or take few days off to hang about the flat??? Sounds like that would really rile her but you'd be perfectly within your rights to do that.


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    #59
    mrslancaster
    Registered Users Posts: 1,785 ✭✭✭mrslancaster


    El_Duderino 09 wrote: »
    If you asked her in house time, discussed it with her and she agreed then it would be settled. At that point it would be a done deal and she would probably just have to sick it up.

    But you didn't ASK her. So you didn't really discuss it so you didn't settle the matter. That's why I think it's actually fair enough that she decided she's not happy with the arrangement.

    Maybe you can talk her around but if she puts her foot down then I think you're only option is for your friends to stay elsewhere.

    If you completely disregard her and have your friends stay without her consent, then I think you'd be completely in the wrong.

    Other matters like her having a good deal the rest of the time might be something you can use to argue your case but ultimately the decision is your flatmate's. The decision is up to her.

    Not up to the flatmate to decide if the OP can have guests unless there's something in the lease imo. Whatever happened to a bit of give and take when sharing? If OP's guests are tourists they will most likely be out all day anyway. If the flatmate was working at another premises it wouldn't be an issue as she would be gone all day herself.

    as OP said the flatmate usually has the place to herself and doesn't like the change. Its a few days and not like it happens every other month.


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    #60
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,029 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    I'd make sure that they are out of the flat for business hours, don't give them a key and you meet them in the evening to take them back to the flat so at least your housemate doesn't have to worry about them landing back to the flat in the middle of the day for any reason.

    It does sound disruptive but equally three days and three days won't kill her, it's like two long weekends really. It'll be a bit cramped with 4 people in a two person flat but not undoable. The only other thing I'd recommend is to try to involve her. E.g. if you three are cooking in the flat or going somewhere locally, invite her to join you. If they are nice people and they all get along, the whole stay will run a lot more smoothly.


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    #61
    El_Duderino 09
    Registered Users Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭El_Duderino 09


    SozBbz wrote: »
    What can the flatmate actually do? I doubt the OP is breaching their lease in whats been outlined, so I don't know what you're suggesting.

    All the flatmate can achieve is a falling out. While the OP certainly could have handled things better, as they are both equal tenants, I don't see what recourse the flatmate has to change matters.

    Well flat shares work on agreement and mutual respect. If one person starts ignoring the other flatmate's side, then the flatshare is likely to fall apart.

    I'm.not suggesting the OP is doing anything illegal but they're taking a big steamy dump all over the fair play that's involved in sharing a home with someone else.

    First move was to not ask if they could have friends stay for 6 nights (they simply told the flatmate it was happening which isn't reasonable).

    So the flatmate is well within their rights to say they don't want strangers staying in their home and expect their wish to be taken seriously.

    It's not like the other flatmate has had friends stay for similar time frames in the past. There isn't a precedent so they news to work out an agreement. Can't simply tell your flatmate you're having people say for 6/9 nights.


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