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Do you hold grudges against people who were homophobic in the past?

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  • 17-06-2020 12:39pm
    #1
    bb1234567
    Registered Users Posts: 5,495 ✭✭✭


    Just was on facebook today and saw some lad from my old school posting passionately about how sickening levels of racism in Irleand need to be dealt with ..was tempted to say something along the lines of Wow __, feels like just yesterdayday when you were chanting homophobic slurs down the school hallways at me! Heartening to see how much people can change though.'

    This guy was also very racist to the only black guy in school as well, un surprinsigly. Can people change that much so quickly? We are only 5 years out of secondary school. I suppose it's not outside the realms of possibilities given how much attitudes changed towards homosexuality in Ireland since 2015. Maybe Ill give him the benefit of the doubt.

    Either way, I refrained. I didn't really seriously consider doing it but got me thinking about what I might say to any past bullies I ever ran into again. Anyway I thought it might come across as childish and attention seeking posting that on his page. Although we have many mutual friends and divulging his history to a whole group of liberal college mates who probably respect him would have been very satisfying I have to say. I wonder how he would deal with pain of the level of humiliation he caused me.

    If I sound bitter and vengeful it's because I am. There was no consequences for their actions of bulling me for years and destroying my teenage years, and it still annoys me to this day. This guy was one of the worst and didn't just engage in verbal abuse but was also physically violent toward me, and many others. He was a psycho.


    Anyway, I'm sure my experiences are pretty common whereby we were bullied in school by prejudiced people who now just a short while later in modern Ireland are at least attempting to appear to be more accepting of minorities. Maybe this is because society no longer accepts that behaviour rather than the individual genuinely changing their views and are just acting this way order to avoid social repercussions. Who knows. How do you guys act towards old bullies if you ever bump into them years later? Tell them how pissed off you are that they ever treated you like that? Spill their stories of despicable past behaviours to their new spouses and friends? Or turn the other cheek and accept as they are now, ignoring their prior wrong doings?


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    #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Do yourself a huge favour and drop the baggage OP, at the end of the day it's the healthier thing to do. Yes, I can't deny how delicious it tastes calling someone out on their BS, but to what end?

    From experience people like that don't have much of a personality or individual identity, they just change their colours to fit in with whatever crowd surrounds them and follow the loudest voice. A sixteen year old dick acting like a dick when surrounded by other sixteen year old dicks isn't much different than what he is today. Another "woke" 21 year old dick fitting in with whatever his trendy college buddies have decided is the flavour of the month.

    Don't waste your time, life is too short for other people's nonsense. You're a grown adult who has successfully removed this tumour from your life, why on Earth would you want to re-introduce it? Let him be the cow led around by his nose ring, not you.


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    #3
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    The poster above is so right. OP, you need to let it go, as by consuming yourself with this anger and resentment, you're ironically letting the bullies win all over again. I understand that it can still hurt all these years later and seeing someone's name pop up like that can transport you back to those awful years. Calling them out like that online will not make you feel better (revenge never brings closure) and possibly may make you feel worse, especially if you are an empathetic person, which you do come across as (which is a wonderful attribute, by the way!)

    I'm a bit cynical when I see so many people embrace these trendy causes like Black Lives Matter, Darkness Into Light, Palestinian movement etc. I totally support the ethos and aim of these causes but I feel many attention seekers jump on the bandwagon of these cause du jours for the likes they'll get on Facebook or Instagram just by declaring their support even though they may have been or still are contributors to racism, homophobia, bullying in other ways...meaning they are hypocritical. I acknowledge that some people genuinely change and are remorseful and that is why they now become activists for such causes.

    OP, focus on ways to improve your own life and how to deal with difficult past moments in a healthy manner.


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    #4
    1 sheep2
    Registered Users Posts: 107 ✭✭1 sheep2


    I never had quite the experience OP had but naturally experienced discomfort at times. I've thought about what might happen if I ever confronted the culprits today and I expect almost all of them would say, 'I'm so sorry, I was very insecure.' To me, at least, that's entirely unsatisfying! I don't want to feel sympathy for those who harassed me or confront the fact that the people who had such power over me were acting out of insecurity.

    By the sounds of it, OP, if you're looking for some closure, you might get an apology if you DMed him. But I don't know what good would come from trying to expose him publicly.


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    #5
    cgcsb
    Registered Users Posts: 9,276 ✭✭✭cgcsb


    Lots of us, even the gays, say mean things when we are teenagers because we are immature and use words to hurt people. You need to draw a line under the teenage years. I'm sure in the course of your schooling you've also said some mean stuff to someone else.


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    #6
    imme
    Registered Users Posts: 3,200 ✭✭✭imme


    How have attitudes changed since 2015 OP.?

    I would hope that I wouldn't hold a grudge if someone had changed.


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    #7
    Mattdhg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 70 ✭✭Mattdhg


    I think holding onto hate is no good for anyone,it makes you bitter and a cynic. So no, no grudges. I know it would feel nice to get a form of "justice" and closure, but it would be the wrong thing to do.

    I was never bullied for being gay, but in recent years I've had a few small passive aggressions. Lads who have plenty chat on their own point blank ignore me if they're with their friends - that's fine, I don't really give a ****. Its a huge mark against their character, and I don't have any time for them afterwards.


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    #8
    Girly Gal
    Registered Users Posts: 2,848 ✭✭✭Girly Gal


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Do yourself a huge favour and drop the baggage OP, at the end of the day it's the healthier thing to do. Yes, I can't deny how delicious it tastes calling someone out on their BS, but to what end?

    From experience people like that don't have much of a personality or individual identity, they just change their colours to fit in with whatever crowd surrounds them and follow the loudest voice. A sixteen year old dick acting like a dick when surrounded by other sixteen year old dicks isn't much different than what he is today. Another "woke" 21 year old dick fitting in with whatever his trendy college buddies have decided is the flavour of the month.

    Don't waste your time, life is too short for other people's nonsense. You're a grown adult who has successfully removed this tumour from your life, why on Earth would you want to re-introduce it? Let him be the cow led around by his nose ring, not you.

    I agree with this, alot of people change their views to fit in with the prevailing views of the people around them, even if they don't genuinely believe what they're saying or doing. As another poster said we see this all the time with people jumping on the latest trendy cause, at the moment it's Black Lives Matter, before that climate change, Metoo, etc, etc. It'll be something else in a few months time.
    Do people genuinely change, some do, they mature and realise they were wrong previously, but, I think the vast majority only change publicly but, privately don't change much at all. The altitude to LGBT people is a prime example, I know alot of people who outwardly appear supportive of LGBT rights, but, privately are homophobic. They know if they are caught publicly it's not socially acceptable, but, as soon as they think they can get away with it they let the guard down.
    If I was the OP I wouldn't give him a seconds thought as you are wasting your time and energy on someone not worth it.


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    #9
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    I've had run-ins with people (usually in pubs/bars) who made my life hell when I was in school. They have apologised and said whatever they wanted to say and some times offered to buy me a drink (like that's gonna make up for all the emotional and physical abuse!). Their apology was nice to hear, but after that brief conversation I made no effort to stay in their company or strike up a new friendship or even acknowledge them if we saw each other again.

    No point holding on to the negative feelings which are doing nothing but eating away at you and no-one else. Why do that to yourself? You're the better person in the situation, just move on and focus on your own happiness. Life's too short to sweat that sort of stuff. Remember that some people genuinely have changed especially since their younger years when they were more immature and easier pressured into behaving in ways with groups. If they appear to have changed or bettered themselves, we shouldn't doubt them because of it. I would say you should leave the Facebook stuff alone and concentrate on yourself.


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    #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    bb1234567 wrote: »
    Can people change that much so quickly? We are only 5 years out of secondary school.

    I think they can yes. But also - I would not automatically assume any change has occurred. People in school can sometimes act in ways against their own nature.

    Perhaps the kid was homophobic or racist. Perhaps he still is. I can not know. But a third possibility is he never was. But he acted that was in school for other reasons.

    I know I saw a lot of nice people be horrible bullies in school. Not because they were mean or malicious. But often because they were scared.

    No one wants to be the social bottom in school - the one everyone picks on or treats badly. For many people in school the fact someone else is being bullied - even if you are the one doing the bullying - usually means _you_ are not the one being bullied. And that is often justification enough to them at the time for horrible acts.

    Cowardly? Yes absolutely. Understandable too though? I think so.
    bb1234567 wrote: »
    Anyway I thought it might come across as childish and attention seeking posting that on his page.

    I think so too. More mature is to simply leave it alone and ignore it entirely. If you feel you _must_ act on it though perhaps do so with a private direct message. And rather than say anything overtly aggressive or in your face say "I like what you said about enacting change in our society. Is there anything I can do to help? I remember you as being quite the homophobic and racist bully in school - so if you changed perhaps others can be made see the light too! I would in fact love to hear your conversion story as inspiration for this. What brought you from there to here? How did you find it in you to grow and change?"

    You might find the reply enlightening and even inspirational for all you know :)
    bb1234567 wrote: »
    If I sound bitter and vengeful it's because I am. There was no consequences for their actions of bulling me for years and destroying my teenage years, and it still annoys me to this day.

    One of the things I have learned from mindfulness - to paraphrase a writer better that me - is that the half life of negative emotions is actually surprisingly small. If we stay angry or annoyed or frustrated at someone or something - it is often because we ourselves are fuelling that emotion. It is possible to learn to observe an emotion - acknowledge it for what it is - and let it go on it's way never to return. It is not always an easy skill to learn but I have to say since learning it my well being and nature have overall gone up many times over.
    bb1234567 wrote: »
    How do you guys act towards old bullies if you ever bump into them years later?

    With empathy - forgiveness and - where it then seems justified - pity. And I feel the better for it when I do. Not getting revenge or closure or justice can feel awful if you let it. But often when you do get them they just feel empty anyway. Especially if otherwise good and honest and nice people suffer from the fall out of whatever emotional bomb you try to drop.


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