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Need to break up with BF, but can't bring myself to do it

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  • 11-08-2020 1:48pm
    #1
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭


    I guess I already know the answer to my own predicament but I just can't seem to break up with my boyfriend. I haven't felt happy in the relationship for nearly 4 months now and for me it has run it's course.He knows I have doubts, btw.

    I've always had problems with confrontations/hurting people's feelings and I know he's not just going to accept it and will try to talk me around, and knowing myself, there's a good chance I'll just cave to stop any argument. He's also a much better communicator than I am so whatever reasons I have for breaking up, he'll just pick them apart and use it against me, and I'll have nothing to say back. I just don't know how to go about this and at the same time, it needs to happen. I could really use some advise, thank you all.


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    #2
    kob29
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭kob29


    Step back for minute and ask yourself why you absolutely must enter into an argument or a debate on the break up. You want it, you feel you need it, it's your decision and does not have to entail the encounter you describe.
    If it could be a sit down talk, break the news, have a two way conversation, hug it out and go your separate ways situation that would be the ideal but its not. You just need the job done and the end result. You could decide to write him a letter or send him a text or phone him and tell him and then end the contact. You mightn't want to do it that way in the ideal world but this situation it might be needs must.

    Think about getting the job done in this situation as oppose to doing it in the ideal way.


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    #3
    Stan27
    Registered Users Posts: 530 ✭✭✭Stan27


    If he is a decent guy, do it the right way. Just meet up at a coffee place or where ever and just explain why.


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    #4
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Don’t do it by letter or text. Do it face to face but draw a line about getting into a long drawn out conversation about. If you feel that you owe the OH a detailed explanation and you won’t be able to articulate it verbally you could then follow up with a letter or text. Letter is probably better as texts can develop into ridiculously long back and forths.


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    #5
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,512 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    'I've always had problems with confrontations/hurting people's feelings and I know he's not just going to accept it and will try to talk me around, and knowing myself, there's a good chance I'll just cave to stop any argument.'

    I see this phrase used a lot on another forum I'm on - 'I'm not good with confrontation'. Most people don't enjoy confrontation. That is not a bad thing, in my opinion. Bring able to assert one's rights for example, if someone is taking the p1ss, or in this case, express your feelings, does not amount to confrontation.

    Why would a conversation with someone you are in a relationship with, become a confrontation? Are you fearful of his reaction? I fully understand not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. Again, it's something most people do not want to do.

    He knows that you are not happy. You really need to talk things through together. Gather your thoughts beforehand and try to work out why you feel he will be able to talk you around, if that is NOT want you want.

    It may well be over, or it may be that there is a way forward for the relationship. But unless you sit down and talk things over honestly, neither of you will really be happy.


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    #6
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    "I don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for you'. That can't be argued with (assuming it's the truth BTW).

    When asked to explain your decisions on an attempt to manipulate (this applies to any scenario ) simply state your intent repeatedly. Don't ever explain why if your answer will be used to manipulate.

    "John, I'm breaking up with you. This relationship has run its course for me"

    "But why?"

    "The relationship has run its course for me, I am breaking up with you"

    "Can you give me a second chace"

    "No, I won't do that. This relationship has run its course "

    Give the same statement to every attempt to derail. You're not doing it to be cruel, but to be clear. There's no point the pair of you staying in a non-relationship indefinitely. It's not fair on either of you.


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    #7
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    I'll get criticized for this but I'll throw it out there as a suggestion. Tell him you need a bit of space for a week or so. At the end of that week, text him that its over & don't meet up with him (he'll just talk you around). If you tell him you need space to think, you have essentially told him to his face anyway. He'll get over it.


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    I'll get criticized for this but I'll throw it out there as a suggestion. Tell him you need a bit of space for a week or so. At the end of that week, text him that its over & don't meet up with him (he'll just talk you around). If you tell him you need space to think, you have essentially told him to his face anyway. He'll get over it.

    Essentially you haven't. Much better to conduct the break-up face to face as it shows a modicum amount of respect for the other person. He won't appreciate it immediately, but in time will judge her kindly for that considerate approach.


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    #9
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    Feeling so upset

    is it the same boyfriend you posted in this thread (and I think even in another thread here) before?

    If it is the case, nobody can help you here anymore, or better to say people can advice what they want, taking the time to reply, but you won't take anything in.


    You need to learn to make a decision and follow it through. Nobody else is doing it for you.


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    #10
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,327 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    From your other posts, this really doesn't sound like a pleasant relationship. As another poster said, stick to a script. Tell him that you are not happy, have grown apart and you are breaking up with him. If he needs it, reaffirm that he knows you have doubts so this isn't coming out of nowhere. It should hopefully make him realise you can't be swayed. If you can, meet him at his place so you can leave when you are ready. Just practice whatever script you choose over and over so that you can say it with conviction and not be manipulated.


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    #11
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,959 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Good for you OP. Delighted for you to see you've come to this decision. Are you living together? Do you need to sort out the logistics of getting your stuff moved? If you look into that you could get your mind more definite about it.

    Keep to the point. You want to break up. Don't be brought off on tangents or side arguments. He can pick apart your reasons for breaking up, but he can't change your decision. Changing your decision is not for your benefit and not what you want so what's the point. Rather than getting dragged into it (because it's pointless) allow him to finish his point, but as someone said above, you set your response to - I want to break up this relationship is not what I want anymore.


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    #12
    The White Feather
    Registered Users Posts: 5,419 ✭✭✭The White Feather


    These things are never easy for anyone OP, but its like the line in Macbeth that I always say to myself for hard things "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly"

    In other words just do it to get it finished as you know you want and need to do it.

    You should do it in person as others have said. Think about what you intend to say beforehand to make sure you get out what you want to say. Then you need to have an exit strategy from the conversation as from what you posted, its not up for debate anymore. Don't hang around as he will try to get you to change your mind before you go. Maybe have a friend calling over or meeting you soon afterward as it will be tough on you as well but it can get you out and away from the conversation.

    You can only worry about your end. Have that sorted before you arrive as in what you need to say. You cannot worry about his too or it will be too hard. Its a process that you can't help him with. You just need to end the relationship or it will get harder and harder for the both of you.

    Best of luck


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    #13
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,409 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Loveinapril wrote: »
    If you can, meet him at his place so you can leave when you are ready. Just practice whatever script you choose over and over so that you can say it with conviction and not be manipulated.

    Honestly OP, I wouldn't meet him at his place. It sounds like you already know you're at risk of being talked out of it by him. Do it in public somewhere neutral and be ready to walk away after a set amount of time, no more than half an hour, I would say.

    I totally second the advice to essentially have a script and stick to it. You need to be something of an automaton while having this conversation. You can go to pieces at home afterwards but you need to be as clear, calm and detached as possible while speaking to him.

    And then once it's done, go full no contact. Block him on everything. I suspect you'll see that as needless cruelty but tbh, it sounds like it's warranted for these particular circumstances. I'd also tell a friend or family member what you're doing and when. He'll find it much harder to manipulate you if you have all your skittles in a row beforehand.

    Good luck.


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    #14
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,446 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    Do not meet as his place.!
    A coffeehouse or somewhere.
    If that’s not where you usually meet he’ll know what’s coming. Be prepared for every excuse in the book.
    I know the kind of person who dissects your arguments and from experience they think they’re smarter than you and can talk you around , I know the best answer is to smile and say NO to everything. NO you can’t be friends.NO you won’t stay in touch. Just say NO and don’t involve yourself in a discussion.
    Good luck :)


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    #15
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    One of my regrets in life is letting 2 relationships run on long past their natural end because I shuffled my feet about too long trying to avoid the hard part - the breakup.

    It does the other person a disservice, it does you a disservice, and it drags the whole ordeal out much longer than it needs to be, which only prolongs the feelings and (sometimes) pain that drove you to end it in the first place. I was a bit younger and less assertive than I am now.

    Think of it like pulling off a sticky plaster. It needs to be done quickly, decisively and without haste or it just hurts.

    I agree with the posters above who say don't let yourself be derailed by his persuasive arguing. You can only be derailed if you allow yourself to enter into detailed back and forth discussions which go round in huge circles. Stick to your guns and focus on one point - "my feelings have changed and I no longer want to be in this relationship". If he continues to pick at what you're saying, you are under no obligation to remain there and keep talking. Say what you have to say, make sure he has heard it loud and clear, and then leave.


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    #16
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Thanks to everyone who replied. It was extremely tough to do and I feel horrible, but I broke up with him tonight. It went as "well" as can be expected I guess, but he looked so defeated and kept asking me not to leave, which I had to. I just feel like a horrible b*tch atm...


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    #17
    The White Feather
    Registered Users Posts: 5,419 ✭✭✭The White Feather


    If you were not a nice person then you wouldn't feel the way you feel. Its not a nice feeling but think about the fact that it is better for you and him. It had to be done and the longer you left it, the worse it would have got for the both of ye.


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    #18
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Fair play. Now dont give in to requests to meet up. Dont be texting him. Its done, stay strong


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone who replied. It was extremely tough to do and I feel horrible, but I broke up with him tonight. It went as "well" as can be expected I guess, but he looked so defeated and kept asking me not to leave, which I had to. I just feel like a horrible b*tch atm...

    Well done, far from being a horrible b.... you have done the right thing by both yourself and himself. Nobody wins if you both continue living a lie.

    Give yourself time now, I cannot stress just how important that is, a break up is kind of like a bereavement, there will be various stages, let yourself process this, be wary of prematurely jumping back into things and just look after yourself.


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    #20
    mbradso2003
    Closed Accounts Posts: 261 ✭✭mbradso2003


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone who replied. It was extremely tough to do and I feel horrible, but I broke up with him tonight. It went as "well" as can be expected I guess, but he looked so defeated and kept asking me not to leave, which I had to. I just feel like a horrible b*tch atm...

    Well done, never easy.

    You would have been a horrible b*tch to have stayed with him and not have told him how you felt.

    He will be thankful one day when he moves on and/or meets someone else.


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    #21
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Thanks everyone, feeling a little calmer today, but still very sad. We were suppose to go on vacation in October and I see that he pay back money for my flight which has now been cancelled. Should I send a text acknowledging that I received the money?


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    #22
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Thanks everyone, feeling a little calmer today, but still very sad. We were suppose to go on vacation in October and I see that he pay back money for my flight which has now been cancelled. Should I send a text acknowledging that I received the money?

    No. He'll know the money has been received. It sounds like you made yourself clear, so well done. You did a very hard thing well. No communication. Let the new reality sink in for both if you.


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    #23
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    No. He'll know the money has been received. It sounds like you made yourself clear, so well done. You did a very hard thing well. No communication. Let the new reality sink in for both if you.

    I think that is very unkind to do, yes they are no longer together, but that does not mean the op can't simply say thank you for return of money.

    Op no harm to saying thank you, it does not need to lead into further discussion, just an acknowledgement of your ex being honest and fair. No more, no less.


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    #24
    The White Feather
    Registered Users Posts: 5,419 ✭✭✭The White Feather


    No, I think you have to be strong and have no contact. Otherwise a thank you leads to your welcome etc and then you are in a text relationship before you know it. It might not lead to that either but you are leaving yourself open to it. Then after a few texts, he asks to meet up as friends and that opens up a barrel of problems.If you dont go, you appear as the bad guy and if you do, your there when you dont want to be there.

    A clean break is best and dont reply to anything he sends. It could give him false hope if he thinks the communication is still open.

    When you meet someone new, you dont want to still be talking or texting to your ex.


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    #25
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Sour Lemonz wrote: »
    I think that is very unkind to do, yes they are no longer together, but that does not mean the op can't simply say thank you for return of money.

    Op no harm to saying thank you, it does not need to lead into further discussion, just an acknowledgement of your ex being honest and fair. No more, no less.
    It's not intended as unkindness. I'd be worried he'd try and start a dialogue with OP who finds it difficult to not be swayed.


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    #26
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,959 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Don't text him. Don't thank him. You'll get sucked back in.

    You're not being rude or mean spirited you're being cautious and mindful of the fact that you could get drawn back in to a situation that really was unhealthy.


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    #27
    Oranage2
    Registered Users Posts: 11,130 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2


    Very brave op, there's nothing wrong with people growing apart, that's life, better than a life of misery together just for convenience sake.


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    #28
    Ciarrai76
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Regional South Moderators Posts: 9,318 Mod ✭✭✭✭Ciarrai76


    Don't text him. You obviously already agreed with each other to get the money back for the holiday etc, so he will know you got it. I have been there done that so many times with ex's and its not worth it. I used to text about something tiny just in the hope that I'd get a reply and be upset if I didn't. With my last ex we cut all contact as it was too complicated if we didn't. As much as it hurt at the time, it was the best thing to do and I got over him a lot quicker than the times before. We have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and keeping any sort of contact with an ex who wants more is just too hard on them. I used to cling to the slightest positive text or nice comment and pray it meant there was more to it, it was never the case.


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    #29
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Ciarrai76 wrote: »
    Don't text him. You obviously already agreed with each other to get the money back for the holiday etc, so he will know you got it. I have been there done that so many times with ex's and its not worth it. I used to text about something tiny just in the hope that I'd get a reply and be upset if I didn't. With my last ex we cut all contact as it was too complicated if we didn't. As much as it hurt at the time, it was the best thing to do and I got over him a lot quicker than the times before. We have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and keeping any sort of contact with an ex who wants more is just too hard on them. I used to cling to the slightest positive text or nice comment and pray it meant there was more to it, it was never the case.

    That's very honest, Ciarraí and I'd say it resonates with every one of us. Clinging on to crumbs of false hope is like death by a thousand cuts.


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    #30
    maameeo
    Registered Users Posts: 12,399 ✭✭✭✭maameeo


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone who replied. It was extremely tough to do and I feel horrible, but I broke up with him tonight. It went as "well" as can be expected I guess, but he looked so defeated and kept asking me not to leave, which I had to. I just feel like a horrible b*tch atm...

    I know exactly how you are feeling right now, I'm on week 4 after break up from a relationship that sounded quite similar, I'm really struggling with myself because, like you, I cant bare hurting people. Seeing him hurt kills me even though the relationship was not healthy.

    I'm also torn between when is right to message him about things and I was told by someone think of an acquaintance you have that you wouldnt message regularly and if you feel like messaging him about something think to yourself 'if it was <insert random acquaintance here> would I text?' thats really helped me.

    I'm still feeling sad but I know its the right decision. Hope you feel better soon!


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    #31
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    maameeo wrote: »
    I know exactly how you are feeling right now, I'm on week 4 after break up from a relationship that sounded quite similar, I'm really struggling with myself because, like you, I cant bare hurting people. Seeing him hurt kills me even though the relationship was not healthy.

    I'm also torn between when is right to message him about things and I was told by someone think of an acquaintance you have that you wouldnt message regularly and if you feel like messaging him about something think to yourself 'if it was <insert random acquaintance here> would I text?' thats really helped me.

    I'm still feeling sad but I know its the right decision. Hope you feel better soon!

    So sorry to hear of your break-up, it really is a horrible thing to go through and I hope you're doing as well as possible under the circumstances!

    Thanks to everyone who replied. I'm doing okay, but miss him a lot. I don't really have friends so he was practically my whole social circle and with him gone, it's been very lonely and I constantly have to fight the urge to contact him. I also still feel very bad about hurting him, I think that bothers me even more than the actual break-up..


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