one of my many songs

tbaymusicman · 06-01-2009 11:24am #1

well this probably wont make sense without the music but here go's:o:o

will i ever see you face again
well i pray to god i do
the days have been so dark
since you are not around lord im missing you

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

its as simple as a touch when im missing you so much
when you are not around
the warmth of your embrace a smile from your kind face
is all is all i need to feel true

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

i wonder where you are
what it is your thinking
are you thinking of me
was it something that iv done
something that i did
to lose someone i love

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom
i hope i see you sooon so soon

niallon · 08-01-2009 2:25pm

Hey tbay

A lot of people might brush this off as clichéd and, in essence, there might be some truth in there. But I like it. As you say, without the music it's a little out on it's own and it is in the music where the majority of originality is going to have to be conjured up.

I know it's kind've the hook in the song but I would revisit the "springtime...in bloom" couple, I think it might be a little too obvious.

Apart from that it'd be great to hear a recording and keep it up!

humberklog · 08-01-2009 5:19pm

I'd agree with Nialon too. But what I wouuuuuuld pitch in is that there's no neeeeeeed to extend the wooooords spelling. Makes it very hard to read and therefore loses a bit of...eh something or otherrrrrrrrr.

tbaymusicman · 14-01-2009 1:41am

humberklog wrote: »

I'd agree with Nialon too. But what I wouuuuuuld pitch in is that there's no neeeeeeed to extend the wooooords spelling. Makes it very hard to read and therefore loses a bit of...eh something or otherrrrrrrrr.

how else would you know the word is held:D:D:D

humberklog · 14-01-2009 4:03pm

I fully get where you're coming from but I don't think that it has the desired effect that you think it does. If you let the words carry the sentiment by themselves it reads stronger than adding in how you percieve it's heard. The extended letters is a bit like discribing the taste of an orange by showing the colour orange. Just my two cents.

humberklog · 14-01-2009 4:09pm

Oh SH!T tbay I thought I was editing it on quote function but did it on your OP I'm really sorry. If you could put them back the way you had them as I was just deleting off willy-nilly. Really sorry about that it was a big cock up. I wouldn't appreciate it. Sorry.

tbaymusicman · 15-01-2009 12:36am

its ok no harm done

Mulan · 19-01-2009 4:05pm

Nice indeed, but I get abit confussed with the lines

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom

Maybe " the Autum " in stead of your springtime
and then "it took you in full bloom"

I sence there is loss here. The loss of someone young whom you loved.

Just a thought.
Nice one

Whiskey Devil · 21-01-2009 4:19am

'Your life it weren't in bloom' bad grammar. That's Alex Turner speak..

It's another one that's hard to critique without music.. It just reads like a thousand songs I've already heard.

Most number 1 singles are the same. :cool:

tbaymusicman · 21-01-2009 8:15pm

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

'Your life it weren't in bloom' bad grammar. That's Alex Turner speak..

It's another one that's hard to critique without music.. It just reads like a thousand songs I've already heard.

Most number 1 singles are the same. :cool:

ye its quite hard posting songs without music because there just words until the music brings the song to life!!and as for grammar its music who gives a **** about grammar haha

tbaymusicman · 21-01-2009 8:17pm

Mulan wrote: »

Nice indeed, but I get abit confussed with the lines

but your springtime came to soon
your life it weren't in bloom

well i think it makes perfect sense springtime is the earliest season if like the nursery season as in beginning! and as for (your life it weren't in bloom )it means they died before there time get it:D:D hope that helps

Mulan · 21-01-2009 8:29pm

Thats another way of looking at it. Maybe the op can answer that one.

Whiskey Devil · 21-01-2009 11:45pm

Well it's like writing a song about g's and ho's.. seems a little silly written by somebody from Waterford..

Assuming you are from Waterford that is. :pac:

humberklog · 22-01-2009 12:25am

Gotta disagree here Whiskey. Grammer me eye. If it rolls with the intent of the song all rules of grammer, spelling and puntuation should be fecked out the window in order to say exactly what you want to say and how you say it. The line you picked out isn't in the same vain as a Blancherdstown rapper using slang straight outta Compton.

Odder thing still is that that was one of the few ines I liked!

Grammer schwammer. Say it as you feel it. If a grammer rule can't be broken then the rock and roll world's fecked altogether. What next? No hookers?

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 12:31am

Whiskey Devil wrote: »

Well it's like writing a song about g's and ho's.. seems a little silly written by somebody from Waterford..

Assuming you are from Waterford that is. :pac:

ok if you say so

Mulan · 22-01-2009 12:34am

Is this a songwriting forum?

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 12:37am

Mulan wrote: »

Is this a songwriting forum?

what ya mean:)

humberklog · 22-01-2009 12:40am

Yep.

humberklog · 22-01-2009 12:41am

tbaymusicman wrote: »

what ya mean:)

Ooh that was answering Mulan there.

Mulan · 22-01-2009 12:41am

g's, ho's, lunatic haha, talking through your hole etc.

Not much song writing there I'm afraid.

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 12:44am

Mulan wrote: »

g's, ho's, lunatic haha, talking through your hole etc.

Not much song writing there I'm afraid.

oh sorry i didn't mean to put it so bluntly but i didn't get how me changing life was not to life weren't had anything to do with ho's you know:o

humberklog · 22-01-2009 12:44am

I know what you mean Mulan but it is a very quiet forum and it was throwing a bit of edge in. Not sure where it was going but...I'd got the popcorn and slurpy out ready for an After Hours style thwacking fest.

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 12:46am

humberklog wrote: »

I know what you mean Mulan but it is a very quiet forum and it was throwing a bit of edge in. Not sure where it was going but...I'd got the popcorn and slurpy out ready for an After Hours style thwacking fest.

i edited my post haha and retracted my statement:p
sorry to spoil your fun

humberklog · 22-01-2009 12:50am

Wires crossed here I think. I thought Mulan was having a go at whiskey's critique.

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 12:51am

humberklog wrote: »

Wires crossed here I think. I thought Mulan was having a go at whiskey's critique.

oh i taught he was getting on to me for my retort haha

Mulan · 22-01-2009 1:00am

Ok guys we'll start afresh:).

humberklog · 22-01-2009 1:13am

Have you any feckin music for that tune Tbay?
How do you go about it? Write words then tune or tune then words or both together?

Whiskey Devil · 22-01-2009 3:36am

tbaymusicman wrote: »

ok if you say so

I assumed you posted this because you wanted opinions..

Just to clarify - I've never heard an Irish person use the word weren't in that context. It's like somebody from Ardee singing like a Texan hillbilly - It's not meant as an insult and perhaps you disagree but that's my opinion.

Whiskey Devil · 22-01-2009 3:51am

humberklog wrote: »

Gotta disagree here Whiskey. Grammer me eye. If it rolls with the intent of the song all rules of grammer, spelling and puntuation should be fecked out the window in order to say exactly what you want to say and how you say it. The line you picked out isn't in the same vain as a Blancherdstown rapper using slang straight outta Compton.

Odder thing still is that that was one of the few ines I liked!

Grammer schwammer. Say it as you feel it. If a grammer rule can't be broken then the rock and roll world's fecked altogether. What next? No hookers?

Fair point. One of the difficulties with these forums is it's hard to critique words on a page without hearing music - you could have the worst lyrics in the world but the best melody ever written or vice versa and we may never know.

I just comment on the lyrics as I see them. Different smokes for different folks.

Aridstarling · 22-01-2009 4:15am

I'll agree with Whiskey Devil on this, bad grammar in a song wrecks my head. It comes across as immature, makes it seem like you couldn't be bothered.

I'll attempt a proper crit. Typing corrected, another thing that shuzzles my gazzut.

Will I ever see your face again?
Well I pray to god I do.
The days have been so dark,
Since you are not around, Lord, I'm missing you.

Nothing original here, sets the stall out for the rest of the song's story though so I suppose so thats a positive.

But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.

The grammar! Its been discussed, but I think it takes away from the song. Otherwise, not a bad chorus.

Its as simple as a touch when Im missing you so much,
When you are not around.
The warmth of your embrace a smile from your kind face,
Is all is all I need to feel true.

Again, lack of originality or artistic idea here is my main criticism. The line "When you are not around" feels wierd, too simplistic. Is there not a better way you could put this?

But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.

I wonder where you are,
What it is your thinking,
Are you thinking of me?
Was it something that I've done?
Something that I did
To lose someone I love?

First half of this bit could use a rewrite, the second is the best bit of the song, the flow works really well.

But your springtime came too soon,
Your life it weren't in bloom,
I hope I see you soon, so soon.

Thats it from me I think, keep at it!

tbaymusicman · 22-01-2009 3:45pm

humberklog wrote: »

Have you any feckin music for that tune Tbay?
How do you go about it? Write words then tune or tune then words or both together?

normally just write both at the same time or the music 1st

one of my many songs

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