Break up out the blue..pushed away

MontyChips · 16-01-2019 8:14pm #1

Hi all,

I had been goin out with a girl for just comin up to a year. On New Years she kissed me at midnight and two hours later back at hers she said we should just have a break and be friends. I’m so hurt, depressed, angry and confused.

Prior to this we had a good relationship. Just before Christmas she booked time off work in the new year so we could go away together and for Christmas as a gift she gave me a photo album that included pictures, momentos, and captions of our relationship. It’s very easy to say ‘I love you’ and for me actions speak louder than words and this showed how much she loved me.

In November she began a new job, her ‘dream’ job. However around Christmas she buckled under the stress and trauma of the job and now has quit on stress leave. This new job changed the dynamic of the relationship. We could not spend as much time together and she was drained from it but there are hundreds of couples like this. Still we always tried our best to be together and still in love.

After New Years, I let her have space for a week. I text her to meet up and she said to go for dinner together (sounds positive) . Give me a big hug and said she was excited to see me. Before the main course came out she said we should just end it. I held it together and said let’s talk in private about this rather than in a busy restaurant. One second she was like we should be end it and then she said maybe just a break. She wanted to stay friends and hang out still and even go on that trip together but I said we can only be lovers. So confusing! Said I was the perfect boyfriend!! Not sure if knows herself if she is coming or going!

I asked and asked and badgered as to why it had to end and she could never give me a real answer, she just kept saying ‘I don’t know’. The most she could muster was that I am not a dog lover!! I asked her if there was someone else and she said “no”. I do trust her as this was one of the reasons I loved her, she was loyal and trustworthy.

An important thing to consider is came with a lot of baggage that I won’t go into and I had patience and accepted her for who she was when others would have ran from her! She has a complicated past.

Anyway, here I am week later, a torn man. I have lost weight, can’t sleep or eat. Can’t function in work, full of anxiety which I cant escape. I feel like the stress of work messed her up and she needs just time to get away from everything and sort her life out but I don’t understand why she pushed me away when I could be there to support her. All her insecurities and demons could be at play too.

Any advice or insight would be appreciated and thanks if you managed to read all this. I love her still but so lost and confused!

Augme · 16-01-2019 10:37pm

Sound like you should be glad you have escaped. She sounds like a head wreck. Cut contact with her and move on. She's bad news.

MontyChips · 16-01-2019 11:08pm

Augme wrote: »

Sound like you should be glad you have escaped. She sounds like a head wreck. Cut contact with her and move on. She's bad news.

You are right. Very irrational in her thinking and behavior. It can be hard to think like that at times as I do lover her but I could have dodged a bullet!

Cartroubles · 16-01-2019 11:58pm

Do your absolute best to walk away if you can, the stress you will save yourself will be enormous. Been offered hope and having it snatched away over and over again is not good for your mental health.

MontyChips · 17-01-2019 10:16am

What kills me the most is there was no clear reason as why she wanted to break up. We had a good relationship, yes we argued and clashed but they never were explosive or vicious arguments. Did the job not working out and the stress it brought just make her feel that she had to take some steps back in life and re-evaluate herself? I'm struggling to let go...

Chancer3001 · 17-01-2019 10:21am

It is possible that she's down in the dumps after the new job situation and just wants to be left alone to figure things out.

Also. I know it's so tempting to look for a "real reason" as to why you broke up. But be verrrrrry careful what you wish for. As getting a reason can be 1000% worse.

Imagine she said, I just don't think you're good looking anymore. Or your nose is ofgputtingly big. Or you're crap at sex and the thought of more repulsed me.

All those "reasons" would probably play on your mind for years whereas in this way you can walk away with confidence

Ursus Horribilis · 17-01-2019 10:22am

Sometimes there is no specific reason for why someone wants to break up. That dog lover comment is the best she could come up with because you were badgering her.

music lover 2 · 17-01-2019 10:33am

Hi Op

I was in a similar relationship over 10 years ago. Started off great for about a year and then 2 years of the other person not knowing what they wanted, constant on and off of the relationship. One day gushing over me following week wanting to end it .I stayed for three years and it really affected my mental health and self esteem (which wasn't great in the first place) I eventually got the strength to leave but spent about 3 years in therapy working on why I stayed and me in general . When you are in the middle of this dynamic it so hard to think of moving on but IMO its the only way and the only thing to do. We all have baggage and if this girl won't deal with her issues there is very little I think you can do.

Yes you are going to feel awful,shocked etc........ but it wont last forever whereas the current on and off nature of your relationship may do and cause you a world and years of heartache.

MontyChips · 17-01-2019 10:33am

Chancer3001 wrote: »

It is possible that she's down in the dumps after the new job situation and just wants to be left alone to figure things out.

Also. I know it's so tempting to look for a "real reason" as to why you broke up. But be verrrrrry careful what you wish for. As getting a reason can be 1000% worse.

Imagine she said, I just don't think you're good looking anymore. Or your nose is ofgputtingly big. Or you're crap at sex and the thought of more repulsed me.

All those "reasons" would probably play on your mind for years whereas in this way you can walk away with confidence

She did say things like she feels like she needs to take steps back and feels right now she isn't ready for a serious relationship and with that dream job not working out, she perhaps feels like she needs to just look at were she is going in life--so maybe that was her answer??

Also yes maybe sex and attractiveness could be in play and she didn't want to hurt my feelings and confidence however I always felt we had a good sex life and I always did my best to satisfy her. She told me I was the first man to ever make her orgasm without her having to help out, if you get my drift.

I also lashed out in anger through a text message last week which in turn made her angry. This could have been the opportunity for to let her through feeling but still nothing...

ginandtonicsky · 17-01-2019 1:10pm

It's got no chance of working if it's one-sided, you running around her and chasing and trying to win her back every time she's "unsure".

You need someone who's sure. Someone who adores you and doesn't second-guess the relationship every time she encounters stress or hardship. That's what a healthy relationship is - a team, a partnership.

You need to block her in every way you can and begin the grieving process. Delete her number, all her socials, clear any trace of her from your life and get on with it. It's going to suck, you'll be a depressed and stressed insomniac for some time but life moves on and you move with it and the pain subsides gradually over time until one day you realise you haven't thought about them for days. Trust me on that one. It sucks, but it passes

I'd recommend taking the step to find a good counsellor to talk all of this through and some basic self-care. Plan your healthy meals every day, get an hour of exercise every day, get to bed before midnight. These basic things can really really make a difference.

Pyr0 · 17-01-2019 1:32pm

I can guarantee that if you got back together now she'll have you dumped again by February and give you plenty more "i don't know" and other waffle excuses.

Walk away for your own sanity and find someone with the emotional capacity for a mature relationship.

MontyChips · 17-01-2019 2:19pm

All the advice is great, thank you

Right now there is a conflict between my head and heart. There are moments when all I want is to sit, talk and be together but my head knows she is not ready for a mature relationship (they way she broke up shows that) and as ginandtonicsky said who is the say she won't do the same and buckle when more stress comes in the future. I need to stop thinking it was my fault, ultimately her inability to handle pressure and stress that made her feel like she needed to escape..it's the only reason and it makes sense when I revise her personality, ways of thinking and the baggage she has. I was stressed about my new houseshare and she said I should just leave if I wasn't happy, says a lot about her thinking when the going gets tough...it takes time and patience and this wound will heal and I will come out stronger and better equipped the next time.

music lover 2 · 17-01-2019 2:47pm

MontyChips wrote: »

All the advice is great, thank you Right now there is a conflict between my head and heart. There are moments when all I want is to sit, talk and be together but my head knows she is not ready for a mature relationship (they way she broke up shows that) and as ginandtonicsky said who is the say she won't do the same and buckle when more stress comes in the future. I need to stop thinking it was my fault, ultimately her inability to handle pressure and stress that made her feel like she needed to escape..it's the only reason and it makes sense when I revise her personality, ways of thinking and the baggage she has. I was stressed about my new houseshare and she said I should just leave if I wasn't happy, says a lot about her thinking when the going gets tough...it takes time and patience and this wound will heal and I will come out stronger and better equipped the next time.

You will be much stronger but change and in particular changing old or learnt behavior is difficult . You will find the next few months tough but remember you are human we all want to be loved and be with someone who we can love back that is normal! I am and always will be a work in progress:) But I know from my previous experience as I outlined in my post that I could not continue in that relationship it was a sort of "rock bottom" for me .It was such a painful experience but when I look back at it I learnt so much about myself.

bucketybuck · 19-01-2019 11:11am

Stop telling yourself that she didn't mean it, that she doesn't know what she wants and that she will regret it and want you back. That she is messed up right now and just needs some space.

She dumped you. She said it and she meant it. You need to accept that and start down the road of moving on.

December2012 · 19-01-2019 1:57pm

It doesn't matter what she did before the break up (your comment about baggage seems very catty to me).

Right now it doesn't matter why she broke up.

The fact is, she did.

It was not without a reason, there were reasons, but they were hers to have and feel. You can't change her mind or prove her wrong.

You seem to have a low opinion of her, so no matter what you're going to not believe or accept her reasons anyway.

She felt them enough to know the relationship wasn't right.

Heartbreak sucks, and I'm.sorry you feel this way. Feeling out of control of something so huge is dufficult to process.
Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

MontyChips · 21-01-2019 7:59pm

December2012 wrote: »

It doesn't matter what she did before the break up (your comment about baggage seems very catty to me).

Right now it doesn't matter why she broke up.

The fact is, she did.

It was not without a reason, there were reasons, but they were hers to have and feel. You can't change her mind or prove her wrong.

You seem to have a low opinion of her, so no matter what you're going to not believe or accept her reasons anyway.

She felt them enough to know the relationship wasn't right.

Heartbreak sucks, and I'm.sorry you feel this way. Feeling out of control of something so huge is dufficult to process.
Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

You are right. I see things a bit clearly now. Its just a shock to the system, especially with everything pointing towards happiness and the future. Your thinking does not be straight when you are delievered a blow like this out of the blue. I need to give mysef time and space.

joeguevara · 26-01-2019 4:41am

When I was in my late 20s I was living with a girl and we were engaged. She went home for the weekend and on the Sunday there was a knock at the door and it was her dad to say he was collecting some of her stuff and it was over. Never spoke face to face since. Completely out of the blue and went through all emotions.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time I couldn’t figure out why. My only advice is resist contact. If she wants to talk she will. Don’t try and force or use things like closure. Also if she does want to reconcile make sure it is right for you.

Take care of yourself. Be active. Don’t drown sorrows. Be upset and then try and see positive. Things do get easier even though it probably doesn’t feel like that. Don’t bitch about her tonfriends because it can get awkward if you do get back together.

ziggyman17 · 26-01-2019 7:43pm

sounds like a girl I was engaged to years ago.. Loved her to bits but a complete head-wreck.. She too had some personnel issues from before we meet, when she told me that she wanted a break, I was heartbroken, but for me it was the best thing ever in the long run, I am now married 11 years to a beautiful gorgeous girl who is my best friend and we have a great life together, sometimes in work my mind drifts back to the past and what if, and in my case I am glad the way it worked out for me, I never kept in touch with my ex, so I do not know how the future worked out for her, but remember we only have 1 life, so try and make the best of it and try to do things that make you happy..

Larbre34 · 26-01-2019 7:55pm

OP, you need no more of this in your life. Yes it will hurt and be bewildering for a while, but concentrate on your own simple daily routine but fill in the gaps with activities that make you happy and that do your body good, whether thats exercise or music or family or catching up with some friends that have slipped off the radar a bit or hobbies etc. Try and avoid booze and "pulling" scenarios for a bit. Your mind will thrive on the peace.

Make your feelings clear to her that you are winding up contact and that you are moving on with your own life. Be unambiguous. If any third parties ask, make it clear to them that this is what the situation is, it can make it easier to accept something yourself when it is understood as the new normal by people around you.

Break up out the blue..pushed away

Comments