Attractive to and attracted to the wrong people

LegacyUser · 20-11-2020 9:09pm #1

TL:DR - I'm in my early 30s and I am attracted to and attract the wrong type of women. Not necessarily by choice (I don't think). I am aware of it but I want to change if that is possible. Most of all, I am probably looking for understanding. Thanks for everyone's assistance.

Background - I am in my early 30s and am an average looking guy. I am carrying a little bit of weight but I am fit as I work out frequently. I have a good job and most things in my life are good. I am happy - apart from my love life, or lack thereof. Fundamentally I would like to meet a nice sensible sort of quiet woman who has her affairs in order, as I broadly do.

The Problem - I am not going to write that I don't know what the problem is because I do. Since my teenage years, I have only really been truly attracted to a certain type of woman. Without fail, they have come from a family that has split up, with the father largely absent. They tend to be very sexual, promiscuous even and would have streaks of histrionics in them (I mean, would try to be the life of the party etc.). They could also be a bit melancholy post-party or if they weren't getting attention. I see the red flags but I continue anyway - actually I am attracted to it. The sensible woman doesn't attract me as much.

The Realisation - While who I have described above is accurate for my previous girlfriends, flings and others who I have been attracted to, I have come to a realisation that I have also described myself. The above is also me. I crave that sexuality, I crave that intimacy but it is not 'nourishing' like a good relationship should be.

I had a tinder ONS last week and while I had a lovely time and we both said we enjoyed ourselves and wanted to see each other again, she sent me a bit of rejection text a few days later. From the stories she was telling about ex's and previous boyfriends on a first meeting, I don't think that would have been a fulfilling relationship had it progressed but I am still attracted to her.

Sorry for the long post. I will probably take up some form of counselling for this however I would really like some assistance from PI boardsies. Have you ever read anything as ridiculous? Can I change? Can who I am attracted to change?

Any and all comments are really appreciated because most other areas of my life are grand but this is tearing me apart. Thanks

ILoveYourVibes · 21-11-2020 9:04am

Few options.

1.I think you are going to have to start seeing real love as something MORE than being attracted to someone.

And you are going to have to see relationships as more than love.

2.Or just put up with the downside of being with someone you have the spark with.

3. find a crazy sane - hybrid girl you can live with.

cannotlogin · 21-11-2020 12:32pm

We are often attracted to personality traits we don't have. Do you wish you were more sexual, more the life of the party, more confident? Many of these woman aren't confident at all just appear to be.

Is there a self sabotage element to your behaviour? Perhaps you don't think you deserve happiness.

There a lot of women who are quiet & ladylike in public, can hold a good conversation, enjoy a good flirt but don't demand the attention of the room or behave overtly sexual in public, yet a lot of them are very sexual privately because they have a bit of class. You are dismissing them without discovering what they are really like. Don't equate classy with boring.

Jequ0n · 21-11-2020 2:18pm

Have you ever explored why you are attracted to somewhat unstable and drama-fuelled relationships?

I think once you figure out your own “needs” it will be easier to find who you are looking for. It’s obviously not the type you think you need.

Esse85 · 21-11-2020 3:23pm

Sounds like your a rescuer looking for the victim.

Look up the drama triangle.

LegacyUser · 21-11-2020 6:11pm

Hi all,

Firstly a HUGE thanks to everyone for responding. It has really helped me as I have been really down since I started thinking about the last woman's rejection text and why I stayed in the position to have a ONS with her when I was seeing red flags that I am attracted to but I know are not good for me. For example, she called herself a crazy b*tch and said her friends would describe her as that too. She wasn't jesting.

As I previously stated, ultimately I want a normal, well-adjusted partner.

cannotlogin - you are absolutely correct. I am dismissing other women who aren't as overtly sexual because I have this attraction to the more promiscuous woman. I use that word knowingly because that is where my attraction lies.

Jequ0n - To be honest, I am only now trying to explore why I am attracted to unstable and drama-fuelled relationships. You are accurate in that assessment though - I am attracted to just that. I don't like it and I am trying to change. My parents who are separated now have had something of a co-dependant relationship. Definitely some histrionics in the pair of them too.

Esse85 - I briefly looked up the drama triangle. I think that is a really good resource for me to explore. I have always tried to 'save' my partners or try to overly satisfy them. And I have gone in knowing it is a bad road to go down but I couldn't help myself. If I am honest, I watched a documentary on Netflix about the women performers of porn's lives and I felt attracted to them all and sorry for them at the same time. I wanted to 'save' them. A bit like the character Ginger in Casino.

Thanks for all of your comments and especially for the non-judemental understanding of sorts. I am a decent guy who is straight down the middle with everything...except for this.

I probably require counselling. It will be a long road anyway. Thanks again.

Augme · 21-11-2020 6:32pm

What jumped out at me is that you described yourself as the same. There seems to be a natural desire to analyze the women and to try and gain understanding from analysing them as to potentially gain so insight into what the answers to the problem might be.

But I think analysing yourself and your behaviour would be far more beneficial. There's reason you crave ONS and you instinctively seek them out. Most people are shaped by their environment and the one they grew up in basically.

cannotlogin · 21-11-2020 7:27pm

Your parents marraige probably has more of an influence than you think.

Most people stuck in the saviour/white knight cycle are seeking out people to save to make themselves feel better, have a sense of purpose and they also have the misconception that person will then never leave them because they will be so grateful for saving them etc.

It also allow them to detract from their own insecurities and issues as it gives them a sense they are the "normal" one in the relationship. There's also fear that if they had a normal stable partner that that partner would recognise their weaknesses and see them as flawed.

It's a messed up dynamic & give people a sense of validation adopting the superior role.

A - What are you actually getting from this? Not just great sex & excitement. What are you getting from it on a deeper level? How does it make you feel?

B - What are you actually afraid of? Deep down you probably know but don't want to admit it, even to yourself. It's probably what is driving your behaviour.

LegacyUser · 21-11-2020 8:04pm

Thanks again for replies everyone. It is calming me down and giving me resources to look at which is helping me.

Just to be clear, I am aware that the issues are wit me, but I am just describing the others are what I am attracted to. Not who I ultimately would like to meet, get to know and settle down with.

cannotlogin - your questions have helped me. To answer A, I suppose I am lookin for that excitement and sex. On a deeper level, I suppose I am getting intimacy/sexual intimacy and some form of acceptance. That I am worthy to be someone's partner or whatever.

To answer B, I think I am afraid of rejection. Particularly from more normal women. Women who are sensible and well-adjusted. Linked to the above, perhaps I don't feel worthy and only feel like I can be with the characters like I described above.

These are quite deep thoughts, what I am thinking of now is quite profound I suppose. Maybe my understanding of my own issues will help me to adhere to the so-called red flags when I see them. I hope.

Ella281 · 21-11-2020 11:33pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

We are often attracted to personality traits we don't have. Do you wish you were more sexual, more the life of the party, more confident? Many of these woman aren't confident at all just appear to be.

Is there a self sabotage element to your behaviour? Perhaps you don't think you deserve happiness.

There a lot of women who are quiet & ladylike in public, can hold a good conversation, enjoy a good flirt but don't demand the attention of the room or behave overtly sexual in public, yet a lot of them are very sexual privately because they have a bit of class. You are dismissing them without discovering what they are really like. Don't equate classy with boring.

Couldn’t of said it better myself.
Hi OP, IMO and in my dating experience, believe it or not, there are women out there who are catches, confident in themselves and balanced.
They don’t “try” to be overly sexual (posting thirst traps on IG for one of many examples by women who are clearly attention seeking and insecure) they just ARE sexy without trying.

In my experience, the high value women are often overlooked and declared “boring” by the lad or his lad group and the relationship ends prematurely before things get off the ground. And god forbid if the woman has her limits and standards, she’s declared a right wagon then.
No matter how bright or smart or pretty they are, they are benched in favour of drama queens and try hards because the classy woman is viewed as “hard work” but in actual fact, you have it completely the wrong way around. It’s a thing called boundaries.

If I were you OP, I would outline what exactly I am looking for in a girlfriend, what is really important and who would share the same interests and values as you. Think of the characteristics you would like her to have.

But the key is to commit to it and recognise it when you find it..

However if it’s the ONS and flings you are looking for, keep going for the attention seekers. No shortage there.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-11-2020 11:33pm

I might be talking nonsense but ...

Being able to plan out your life choices in relationships in order to make for an emotionally stable and happy life isn't a skill that we are born with.

And its not something we can learn overnight.

So give yourself a break. It will take time to learn how to get your attraction heart and mind into sink.

I wouldn't advice seeking to dating girls who are the opposite of the type you like or anything. I don't think that would be healthy either.

Like i said before there is a difference between loving your partner and being in love with them. IMO ...the former is healthier.

Exciting people ...make us FEEL. And sometimes ...we or you could have been a bit numb etc. It can wake you up and make you feel alive or in touch with a part of yourself you can't get to on your own.

IMO they help you get to a part of you that isn't there or accessible to you without them. So maybe get in touch with it?

Again i could be talking rubbish...
You said ..you crave what you are and you are this way yourself. But you can't seem to make that connection IN yourself ...what i mean is ..you are searching for intimacy ..outside yourself.

Are you lonely?

Sometimes people who are a bit lonelier ...crave a connection that burns a bit more ....partic if they were lonely as kids.

I mean you are willing or WERE willing to put up with a lot of unhappiness ..for this burning connection. That sounds lonely. That is a big need in there somewhere.

Don't worry ...i think you will be fine.

I think you have to find it in yourself though first. The answer to the craving. So that you are happy in yourself and don't need love so ...fiercely ...

The last thing i want to say to you is this. When you said ..I am the same. It struck me you didn't have a great opinion of yourself.

And you said thanks for not judging etc . Why would we judge?

It made me think you have low self esteem if you see yourself like that.

And seeing yourself in bad terms ...can often make people crave love more. What they cannot give themselves ...they seek in others ..its like validation.

All the best. And remember you are a good person.

Don't judge yourself by the women you choose.

And remember ....feel better about who you are ...you didn't hurt anyone (cept yourself) and its not like you intent to ...tell yourself positive things.

Start thinking of yourself as not who you choose ...and seeing the good in you.

I think you are harsh on yourself.

bitofabind · 22-11-2020 12:40am

Sounds like an attachment wound, probably from childhood which is when we learn how to love and how to get love. Read this book: Attached by Amir Levine.

To summarise your situation here, you've got some subconscious belief that love is chaos, it's a lack of boundaries and it's someone being unreliable and emotionally unobtainable. So when you get the chaos and the drama that comes with this type of woman, you think you're wildly attracted to them when really what you're feeling is an anxiety which is familiar to you. Does this strike a chord? Does it sound like something that could've formed as a belief early in life for you?

It's absolutely possible to change, but it requires a lot of inner work, your best chance is working with a therapist to unravel this stuff, so you can begin to understand yourself, your needs and change how you approach love and relationships. When you get emotionally healthier, you tend to be attracted to the health in other people, rather than the red flags like you are now. When you're healthy, you can view and seek out love for what it actually is - connection, emotional availability and vulnerability, consistency, stability, safety.

Airyfairy12 · 22-11-2020 1:38am

You said that you want to settle down with a certain type of woman, she should be quiet, sensible and have her affairs in order, I think by that you mean (open to correction) that she has her own home, a good job etc. This in itself its setting very high standards. Youve created a list of 'must haves' before you would consider a woman for a relationship.
What happens if you meet a sensible woman who doesnt have a job or lives with her parents? Would this be a deal breaker for you?
Circumstances change all the time and were someone is now may not be where they will be in 6 months or 5 years.
I feel, as a woman, men have these high expectations for women and will only consider women who have it all. In reality life doesnt go so smooth for people and the types that have it all, more often than not, had more than their fair share of hand ups, supports and doors opened for them. The first thing I would suggest is to lower those standards because it sounds like youre expecting the ideal, perfect, prim and proper woman. I notice you mention nothing about the personality of this ideal woman besides that she is quiet. What about kindness, humor, grit, passion, respectful? What about interests? Her values? Surely these things are more important than her current status or stage in life.
Or do none of these things matter? Are you mostly concerned with how she makes you look to family & friends?
Youre not even attracted to this type of person so I dont see why thats the type you expect to settle down with?
Youre attracted to the total opposite of your 'ideal' partner but wouldnt consider settling down with someone promiscuous.
I get a bang of virgin/whore dichotomy from your post.

It sounds like you enjoy the roller-coaster relationship, this is common with young people in their 20's, they love the excitement and the rush of the ups and downs but eventually, allot of people grow out of this. They realise theyre feeling lust not love and that its unhealthy to keep chasing after people who have issues or who are no good for them. Some people never change and continue to chase after people they shouldnt be chasing. They end up going from one bad relationship to another, over time it wears them down and effects their view of other people and the world, they become negative, lonely and depressed.
Youre engaging in cognitive dissonance, the only person who can break the cycle is you.

My suggestion to you is to spot the red flags and run when you see them. Discard any superficial lists of unimportant qualities you expect a serious long term partner to have. If you get on with someone, theyre good for you and youre good for them, and they bring some positivity beyond just sex into your life, thats the type of foundation you want for a relationship.

leggo · 22-11-2020 1:45am

Truth is that we could ask you questions and have a big, deep back & forth. But the reality is OP that you know the issue already: you're attracted to a type of person who's bad for you. That's a great realisation to have gotten to because the stage you're at makes it impossible to put the toothpaste in the tube: you'd be mental to carry on that way and you know it! So you've kinda done the hard part already by getting there, well done!

The good news is that what you're looking to do can be done! The less good news is that it's not easy. You're essentially looking to change what you're fundamentally built to find attractive at your core. That's not something even a detailed conversation on boards.ie will change, in fact with this stuff these kinda chats are more likely to waste your time by making you feel like you're addressing it while actually doing nothing substantial. If this is important to you, go talk to a counsellor and get to the root of what has caused this, figure out where it went wrong then build from the ground-up again. bitofabind has even given you an excellent head start for the direction to aim these early conversations. Do this for a while and before you know it you'll feel like a new person.

LegacyUser · 22-11-2020 2:53pm

Hey all,

Thanks again for all of your replies. You have really helped me when I have been down. It is really appreciated. I don't think there is much point in me commenting back and forth as I will engage with counselling moving forward.

To re-state it, I am fully aware that the issues are with me and not with the women/partners.

From what I have read, I would be the rescuer in the drama triangle. I nearly sacrifice myself for the victim. That falls in with my personality type (ENFP) if you believe in that stuff.

As has been stated above, I think it is accurate to describe me as lonely in ways. I do not have strong family bonds (it is more co-dependent in ways). I have some good friends but not a strong friend group as such.

Ultimately I think the nail was hit on the head in relation to the self-esteem issues, my fear of rejection and how I view myself. When I work on myself and get healthier emotionally, then hopefully I can seek nourishing, fulfilling relationships which are balanced for both parties.

My one caveat to that is if the ONS from last week invited me around again, it would be exceptionally difficult to turn-down, even knowing what I know now. Maybe that risk will always be there or it will be there until I get counselling.

Anyway, a final thanks - I will favourite this page as a reference point. I hope others have received help from this thread as well.

LegacyUser · 23-11-2020 2:51pm

To me it just sounds like you're trying to justify why you end up with these women that are unsuitable.

Truth is we select from what we can get, and I think that you, like most us, are simply selecting from what you can get.

And the attractive ones you can get with have these massive red flag issues that most guys wouldn't go near.

Try and hold out a bit longer and go for a girl you find attractive that isn't bonkers. Its ok to be single.

Just try and wait for the girl that has the right mix of attactiveness and (less) craziness.

Attractive to and attracted to the wrong people

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