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Confused ands struggling

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  • 11-04-2021 3:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm not sure if this is best suited to LGBT form or personal issues.

    Basically, I've lived a "straight" life up to now and I'm in my late twenties. Never really had a proper relationship but would be known as being straight.

    I know deep down I'm curious and still trying to get my head sorted but for some reason I can't even admit it to myself.

    Just wondering if anyone has any advice. Seems stupid to be nearly 30 and still be living a lie.


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    #2
    Heebie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    Stop labeling yourself as straight or gay. Choose to explore. Have fun.
    You're you. Stop worrying about other people's expectations and explore what it means to be yourself... fully.


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    #3
    Haughey Was Framed
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭Haughey Was Framed


    Hey,

    Well done on posting here. That's already a big step.

    There's no rush, it's ok to feel confused at any age. You might be completely straight, completely gay or anywhere in between. Sexuality is a spectrum and where you are on that spectrum can change over time. Romantic feelings are on the same spectrum but you might be in a different place.

    You might want to sleep with guys but only have relationships with women, or just guys, or just girls, or both, or some or none :)

    I was 30 before I accepted I was gay and it took a few years after that before I was able to go on dates with guys and fully explore who I am.

    I'm guessing there're a couple dimensions of "gay" you're curious about: sex and relationships.

    For the sex bit it's tempting to fire up Grindr and see who's about. There's nothing wrong with that (stay safe, decide on your boundaries before you meet anyone, be confident and stick to them), but it's definitely jumping in at the deep end. You might enjoy it and find it a life changing experience! You might enjoy it but feel a lot of shame afterwards. There's excitement and nerves and a lot of emotion, it can be hard to know how it will affect you. It still might feel like the right choice for you and there's no problem with that (but maybe wait until everyone's vaccinated).

    Personally, I'd start slowly. You can explore a bit by just chatting to some gay guys first. Head along to any gay meet-up after the pandemic, they're all a bit Dublin-centric but it's worth the travel if you're not near there. The Outhouse on Capel St. is a very friendly place to grab a coffee and sit in a gay place too. People are likely to be very friendly and nice to you.

    You can also call or chat to a volunteer on the LGBT helpline. You don't need to be going through a crisis or having a tough time (though they're good for that too). You can call just to chat to another LGBT person, even about very ordinary things. https://lgbt.ie/

    Therapy can also be very helpful. Prices run from €50 to €100+ a session which can be a bit expensive, but I've seen people have noticeable results in just 6 sessions. From my own experience, having an LGBT therapist is helpful too (though absolutely not necessary).

    Good luck :)


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    #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Confused11Apr wrote: »
    I'm not sure if this is best suited to LGBT form or personal issues.

    Basically, I've lived a "straight" life up to now and I'm in my late twenties. Never really had a proper relationship but would be known as being straight.

    I know deep down I'm curious and still trying to get my head sorted but for some reason I can't even admit it to myself.

    Just wondering if anyone has any advice. Seems stupid to be nearly 30 and still be living a lie.

    My personal view is that labels are incredibly damaging and destructive and serve almost no function at all, except to divide people needlessly into convenient groups.

    Reality is more complex.

    Ditch the labels and do whatever you want. If that means you are into guys for 6-months, and then a lifetime of women after that - then that's what you will pursue. Or even the reverse of that. Maybe a mix. Why do you need a label? To describe yourself to others? Who cares what other people think. Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, over the course of your life. You don't owe anyone else a label.

    But trying to decide what "label" applies to you serves no benefit whatsoever and, if anything, only leads to greater confusion as you try to "come to terms" with a specific label and what it means and what it's limitations are.

    Again, ditch the labels.

    For example: I for one actively refuse to use any label, even though I am exclusively into men and would otherwise be labelled as "gay" by others.

    There is too much pride around labels. And more labels are being created on a daily basis - and they're all so entirely unnecessary and, yes, divisive.


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    #5
    Arthur Samuelson
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Arthur Samuelson


    I left my marriage at 28 years old before having children. I am 60 now and it was the right move for me. Your decision is deeply personal. My thoughts at the time had more to do with how I was hurting my wife than how I should live my life as a gay man. The years that followed were extremely difficult, but by the time I reached 40 things really started to turn around. During the late 80's in America there was still a lot of transience in gay relationships. I found this to be a very difficult aspect of the LGBTQ culture. Things have changed significantly. I am an active member of a Methodist Church in Connecticut where my pastor fully supports my lifestyle. I never thought this would happen.
    My advice is "hang in", give yourself time to process whatever it is that you are feeling. Oddly enough, my struggle was not a moral one because I never thought being gay was immoral. It had more to do with acceptance from the greater community. I guarantee that, if you are willing to give this time and are cognizant of the difficult changes you must face, you will (eventually) be a stronger and more compassionate person.


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