Not Feeling it

LegacyUser · 30-11-2020 3:30pm #1

Hi there. I met someone on a date for a socially distanced walk last Friday within my 5km, we’d been talking online for a good few weeks and seemed to get on very well. This person was nice and sweet on the date, and we chatted away but I’m just not feeling any attraction towards him at all. We’ve arranged another date for the weekend as I wanted to see if my feelings might change but I don’t think they will. I’m at a loss of what to do. Should I let him know sooner rather than later or should I go on the next date and tell him then. Could my feelings change? I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I get the impression he likes me a lot. I have had knots in my stomach the past few days thinking about what to do.

woodchuck · 30-11-2020 4:00pm

OP you just need to be honest with him and it's definitely better to do it sooner rather than later. You know yourself that there's no attraction there and there's no point dragging things out hoping that the attraction will grow.

I wouldn't go on another date with him. It's just stringing him along. Personally I'd text him to cancel the date and tell him that you had a lovely time, but unfortunately you didn't feel a spark.

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it's unavoidable really. And it will hurt him a lot less now than if you drag it out for a number of weeks/months.

Thelonious Monk · 30-11-2020 5:10pm

Don't be worrying about this, your stomach shouldn't be in knots you haven't done anything wrong!
You've described 99% of dates anyway, you meet up and one or both don't feel anything at all and then never see each other again and can't even remember their names a few days later.
Just come out and text him sorry I'm not feeling it, I wish you all the best in future, take care. From my experience it's the only way to deal with these things.

Terrontress · 30-11-2020 8:37pm

I went on a date last Friday. I live in London and there are pubs which have been selling pints in plastic glasses, lots of people congregating outside etc.

I matched with the girl on Bumble and we said we would do a bit of a pub crawl. Meet at 7. In my head the pubs close by 10 so there's a fixed end to the evening, we can then decide whether to meet again.

After two drinks, the girl declared that she needed a pee. I suggested McDonalds but she said she lives close by. So we went to her place. She broke out some drinks, a beer for me and an Aperol Spritz for her.

Before I knew it, we were a couple more drinks in, we are both sitting on her couch, she has her feet under my right leg. I really got very uncomfortable. I think that she was happy for a physical relationship on that very evening. I was in her home, listening to music.

Because I wasn't comfortable, as soon as I finished my next drink I said that I was going to go home. I think she was a bit taken aback. I said that the tube wouldn't be running much later, to which she replied it was only 9.45. I think she thought I was a bit mad, given the abruptness of my departure, how well we had been getting on, and my flimsy excuses for going. Due to Covid restrictions, I had even thought that we would spend the whole evening outside, which is within the rules.

Anyway, my point is that by staying there, even for one more drink, I think I was giving her an unrealistic expectation. I certainly couldn't see myself with this girl for more than one night and, if I had slept with her, it would have been much less honest and maybe caused more expectation on her part. So my advice to you is cut this guy loose. Dragging it out any further just makes it worse. Gives him hope and it will be harder on him when he finds out the truth.

Dog day · 30-11-2020 8:52pm

OP, don’t waste either his time or yours. Bite the bullet & just send a short, clear text along the lines of: “It was nice to meet you but I don’t see this going anywhere. Wishing you all the best”

This is the kindest way to handle this rather than going on a second date when you know you’re not interested. Good luck.

30-11-2020 9:19pm

Sometimes feelings do change but I think if you're fairly sure yours won't then it's best to cancel the next date and let him know your interest in him isn't romantic. COVID has just compounded the thing we all try (or should try!) to avoid of chatting for ages before meeting up as you can feel something has built up only to feel nothing in person. Happened to me over the Summer in reverse (he wasn't into me) and I was sad about it for a bit because we had gotten on so well but I got over it and appreciated the honesty in the long run.

LegacyUser · 02-12-2020 12:17am

Thanks for the replies. I contacted him to let him know that I didn’t feel a connection. He took it okay and I’m very relieved. We had been texting for nearly 2 months and I was hopeful of a real life connection but it didn’t happen for me. I usually don’t have an issue with telling people that I didn’t feel a connection but he was/is such a nice guy and I just felt so bad about it.
I won’t make the mistake again of chatting to someone for so long before meeting but as Bootsy said it’s hard during these Covid times. I haven’t been on a dating site since I started chatting to him and I think I’ll be leaving it for another 2 months at least! Thanks all

lainey_d_123 · 02-12-2020 10:54am

Ataloss1981 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I contacted him to let him know that I didn’t feel a connection. He took it okay and I’m very relieved. We had been texting for nearly 2 months and I was hopeful of a real life connection but it didn’t happen for me. I usually don’t have an issue with telling people that I didn’t feel a connection but he was/is such a nice guy and I just felt so bad about it.
I won’t make the mistake again of chatting to someone for so long before meeting but as Bootsy said it’s hard during these Covid times. I haven’t been on a dating site since I started chatting to him and I think I’ll be leaving it for another 2 months at least! Thanks all

Yeah, it is hard not to text for ages during these covid times. I've decided not to bother dating at all until things are properly back to normal. Otherwise it's just too head wrecking trying to negotiate the restrictions and even be able to go on normal dates.

I made the mistake once of texting for several months before I met someone (there was distance between us) and it was so awful, I vowed never to do it again. In person he was so awkward and almost creepy and made me feel really uncomfortable. And because we'd been texting so long, it felt almost like a balloon being deflated - the chemistry we'd seemed to have over text just wasn't there. I realised then how important physical attraction is, even stuff like how they smell, their mannerisms...all that is essentially more important in a romantic relationship than how well you get along on paper.

I recommend leaving it no longer than 2 weeks to meet someone from starting to chat to them...otherwise there's just too much of a risk of it being a giant time sink that goes nowhere.

Terrontress · 02-12-2020 1:26pm

Ataloss1981 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I contacted him to let him know that I didn’t feel a connection. He took it okay and I’m very relieved. We had been texting for nearly 2 months and I was hopeful of a real life connection but it didn’t happen for me. I usually don’t have an issue with telling people that I didn’t feel a connection but he was/is such a nice guy and I just felt so bad about it.
I won’t make the mistake again of chatting to someone for so long before meeting but as Bootsy said it’s hard during these Covid times. I haven’t been on a dating site since I started chatting to him and I think I’ll be leaving it for another 2 months at least! Thanks all

Something I learned a while ago, everyone goes on a date hoping to find love. They hope it is going to be great, that there is a spark, and that they never have another first date again. Nobody sensible goes on a date hoping that there will be no spark, that they won't like the person.

You have not set out to deceive this guy. I bet you really wanted it to be love. You went in with an open mind, ready to be impressed. It didn't happen.

Not your fault. So don't feel bad.

You should feel good about yourself because you were prepared to give it a chance. And feel should better now because you have dealt with it maturely and rationally.

shameless liberal · 03-12-2020 10:47pm

Hi OP,

You sound like a kind and sensitive soul! Unfortunately, this is the way of things. Text versions of us don't always match reality. A virtual spark isn't always followed by one in real life.

You should clap yourself on the back for 1) putting yourself out there romantically, 2) having a really lovely date and chats with another human being who's also doing their best and 3) having the self-respect, and the respect for him, to respectfully communicate that you've reflected and feel the romantic spark isn't there.

I'm sure, wonderful as you are, that he'll appreciate the honesty and you can both move on to new romantic suits with genuine potential!

Mad_maxx · 05-12-2020 7:24pm

Terrontress wrote: »

I went on a date last Friday. I live in London and there are pubs which have been selling pints in plastic glasses, lots of people congregating outside etc.

I matched with the girl on Bumble and we said we would do a bit of a pub crawl. Meet at 7. In my head the pubs close by 10 so there's a fixed end to the evening, we can then decide whether to meet again.

After two drinks, the girl declared that she needed a pee. I suggested McDonalds but she said she lives close by. So we went to her place. She broke out some drinks, a beer for me and an Aperol Spritz for her.

Before I knew it, we were a couple more drinks in, we are both sitting on her couch, she has her feet under my right leg. I really got very uncomfortable. I think that she was happy for a physical relationship on that very evening. I was in her home, listening to music.

Because I wasn't comfortable, as soon as I finished my next drink I said that I was going to go home. I think she was a bit taken aback. I said that the tube wouldn't be running much later, to which she replied it was only 9.45. I think she thought I was a bit mad, given the abruptness of my departure, how well we had been getting on, and my flimsy excuses for going. Due to Covid restrictions, I had even thought that we would spend the whole evening outside, which is within the rules.

Anyway, my point is that by staying there, even for one more drink, I think I was giving her an unrealistic expectation. I certainly couldn't see myself with this girl for more than one night and, if I had slept with her, it would have been much less honest and maybe caused more expectation on her part. So my advice to you is cut this guy loose. Dragging it out any further just makes it worse. Gives him hope and it will be harder on him when he finds out the truth.

maybe this girl only wanted a one nighter herself ?

Terrontress · 06-12-2020 12:47pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

maybe this girl only wanted a one nighter herself ?

Maybe she did. And maybe my Irish Catholic guilt makes me unable to see girls as having sexual desires which don't involve starting a family.

I have been thinking about it for the past week or so now. I definitely did the best thing in getting out of there.

It seems that because I am a guy, people I have told me that I should just have got stuck in. Whereas if a girl were to go and be in some guy's flat and feel uncomfortable with his advances, the universal advice would be to get out ASAP.

Maybe I should have opened the dialogue, asked what she wanted from me etc. but I did a runner instead, neither of us got hurt too much and hopefully she can laugh about it as I since have done.

completedit · 06-12-2020 3:33pm

It's normal to see it like that; women have a lot more at stake when it comes to such scenarios. Don't beat yourself up. Yeah you could have gone in and had sex with her but didn't seem right to you. Be true to yourself. Whatever her values were aren't yours.

Not Feeling it

Comments