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Ridiculous things your teachers said in school.

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    #92
    somesoldiers
    Registered Users Posts: 13,845 ✭✭✭✭somesoldiers


    messrs wrote: »
    A nun in my school told one of the girls that she was no good at school and the best job she could hope for was selling herself on the street corner!

    Failing that, join the clergy


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    #93
    podgemonster
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭podgemonster


    My woodwork teacher was a short,stout but tough man. One day he was feeding planks through the table saw in the centre of the woodwork room, no googles, wearing a tie and a light cigarette clenched in his teeth as he concentrated.

    We hear an unfamiliar grunting sound and turn to see him flaying and kicking vicious at the machine. His tie had become caught in the saw. He was trying to kick the emergency stop button the floor but his legs were falling short, sawdust is flying everywhere. No of us move a muscle, too stunned to react, not sure whether we are about to see our teacher cut in half.

    He eventually connects with the stop button, yanks his tie loose, stands up and takes a long, slow drag of his cigarette, takes a look at himself up and down, breathes out the smoke and faces the white faced students and says...

    "and that gentlemen is how you ruin a perfectly good tie"


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    #94
    MRnotlob606
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,642 ✭✭✭MRnotlob606


    My History teacher once said that Mountbatten and Bernard Montgomery were the same person. Lol.


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    #95
    MRnotlob606
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,642 ✭✭✭MRnotlob606


    I was taught by a load of farmers so a load of quare things came out of their spouts from time to time.


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    #96
    Duggy747
    Registered Users Posts: 13,295 ✭✭✭✭Duggy747


    Had a right wench of an Irish teacher. A super cúnt extraordinaire who got enjoyment in making a fool out of me. The sister had her a few years before me and used to get similar treatment from her, too.

    She used to announce to the class that another friend of mine in the class, who was a tiny guy, was bullying me and tried to make me admit it in front of everyone. Even if I was being bullied I'd hardly feckin' admit it in front of the entire class.

    Another time, she made us write down something from a book in silence for a few minutes when suddenly:

    Her: "Do you know what, Duggy? Someone wrote something about you on one of the tables."

    *Class turns and faces me*

    Me: "Wh-what?"

    Classmate: "What did it say, miss?"

    Her: "...........I'm not saying, it's rude. Go back to your writing."

    *10 seconds pass*

    Her: "........but you know what I don't understand, people who write such-and-such is gay!"

    *Class erupts in laughter at me*

    Her: "What??? Why are you all laughing? It's not funny, there's nothing wrong with being gay......"

    *Class laughs even harder*

    Cue my name appearing on desks and walls all over the school for the following few weeks about how gay I was and that it was ok to be gay.


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    #97
    emmabrighton
    Registered Users Posts: 582 ✭✭✭emmabrighton


    One of the chatter boxes in our class was told in no uncertain terms by our science teacher "If you don't stop talking, Aoife, I'm going to shift you!"


    ... cue 20 minutes of uncontrollable laughter from the class.


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    #98
    cloud493
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,835 ✭✭✭✭cloud493


    'Are ya sure college is for you, theres jobs going in McDonalds right now'


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    #99
    brooke 2
    Registered Users Posts: 5,472 ✭✭✭brooke 2


    redfacedbear wrote: »
    Our (nun) religion teacher used to hate people being slagged - she wanted everybody to be able to express themselves without fear of being mocked.

    So she used to say to a room of 13 year old boys; 'what do we hate? - KNOCKERS.'

    Getting the class to shout out 'knockers' and absolutley delighted with the enthusiasm which we responded with.

    Brilliant!!! :)


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    #100
    Badly Drunk Boy
    Registered Users Posts: 6,465 ✭✭✭Badly Drunk Boy


    Her name was Lola wrote: »
    Leaving cert biology teacher told me Ventolin inhalers contain oxygen. No amount of telling her that they contain the chemical salbutamol could convince her. I got an A1 in Biology, despite her genius. ;)
    Aphex Twin told me that Ventolin can sometimes causes tinnitus, as it did in his case.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa-8GsMhznc


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    #101
    fleet_admiral
    Registered Users Posts: 3,747 ✭✭✭fleet_admiral


    Duggy747 wrote: »
    Had a right wench of an Irish teacher. A super cúnt extraordinaire who got enjoyment in making a fool out of me. The sister had her a few years before me and used to get similar treatment from her, too.

    She used to announce to the class that another friend of mine in the class, who was a tiny guy, was bullying me and tried to make me admit it in front of everyone. Even if I was being bullied I'd hardly feckin' admit it in front of the entire class.

    Another time, she made us write down something from a book in silence for a few minutes when suddenly:

    Her: "Do you know what, Duggy? Someone wrote something about you on one of the tables."

    *Class turns and faces me*

    Me: "Wh-what?"

    Classmate: "What did it say, miss?"

    Her: "...........I'm not saying, it's rude. Go back to your writing."

    *10 seconds pass*

    Her: "........but you know what I don't understand, people who write such-and-such is gay!"

    *Class erupts in laughter at me*

    Her: "What??? Why are you all laughing? It's not funny, there's nothing wrong with being gay......"

    *Class laughs even harder*

    Cue my name appearing on desks and walls all over the school for the following few weeks about how gay I was and that it was ok to be gay.
    I hope you reported that bitch


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    #102
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,581 ✭✭✭newport2


    I remember after much debate amongst themselves, the teachers decided in our school to give the older students a talk about aids, which was all over the news at the time. So basically, one of our male teachers came in and explained how it was transmitted and how it could be prevented (abstinence, or at a very last resort, them rubber things). He finished and asked "Any questions?" One of the guys asked could it be transmitted through oral sex, to which the teacher replied "Well that stuff is only for weirdo's. Next question."


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    #103
    DeanAustin
    Registered Users Posts: 3,784 ✭✭✭DeanAustin


    mod9maple wrote: »
    Geog teacher in Newry CBS 1986, looking through a window at a British army spotter plane flying overhead: "I wonder what he's doing up there?"

    Classmate of mine from the back row: "He's flying a plane sir." :D

    Haha unrelated to this but similar story. Playing underage football our manager was a bit hotheaded but wanted us to play like Barca. Long balls drove him nuts. One of the lads plays a big long ball.

    Manager: What the f**k is that big ball in the sky Johnny?
    Johnny: That's the sun Mac.


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    #104
    The Master
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 14,308 CMod ✭✭✭✭The Master


    My swimming teacher once told me I'd sink if he took his fingers out


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    #105
    robindch
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 24,399 Mod ✭✭✭✭robindch


    Report comments from one especially peculiar teacher:

    "Digging in the wrong garden"
    "Mentally retarded in four different directions"


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    #106
    FlashR2D2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 74 ✭✭FlashR2D2


    When I was 8, our teacher told us, that every time a woman whistles little baby Jesus cries.


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    #107
    MRnotlob606
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,642 ✭✭✭MRnotlob606


    today is the first day of the rest of your life


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    #108
    FlashR2D2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 74 ✭✭FlashR2D2


    MRnotlob606 wrote: »
    today is the first day of the rest of your life

    .....heavy, you could say that every day.


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    #109
    fiachr_a
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭fiachr_a


    "In a few years from now you will be considered illiterate if you don't know a computer language".


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    #110
    rubadub
    Registered Users Posts: 32,373 ✭✭✭✭rubadub


    "blaggardism won't be tolerated in any way shape or form"

    "that's right, you DIDN'T THINK"
    -eh yes I did you stupid cunt, and could have just as easily said "I thought we didn't have any essay to do" instead of "I didn't think we had any essay to do". I never get people trying to be smart by acting stupid & ignorant themselves -especially english teachers claiming to have no simple grasp of what people are actually saying. Don't get me started on the "can I" "may I" shite...


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    #111
    Going Strong
    Registered Users Posts: 837 ✭✭✭Going Strong


    Out of quite a cast of teaching mediocrities.....

    The poor French teacher who drew the short straw to teach us the one and only sex education class we ever had. He came in and spent the entire class drawing an anatomically prefect cross-section diagram of the male and female reproductive organs in complete silence, stepped back to admire his handiwork, turned to us and said "There you go now." Then he erased the lot from the board and left the room.

    A geography teacher who was utterly obsessed with how brilliant West (as it was back then) Germany was as a country compared to "Poor, pathetic Ireland." Cringey enough but he also reckoned that "Hitler wasn't all bad." and tended to play down Nazi Germany's role in starting WWII in a "Just a bit of horseplay that got slightly out of hand." manner.

    A careers guidance teacher who got the role because he was unable to teach anymore who couldn't tell us anything about the world of work and was utterly surprised to find that there was an industrial estate just up the road. "There is? When did that open?" in response to a pupil asking if it was worth their while applying for a job there.


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    #112
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    "Wit is a burden you will never have to bear."

    Gin soaked English teacher.


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    #113
    FairytaleGirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 663 ✭✭✭FairytaleGirl


    If I were your mother I would cry myself to sleep.

    Also had a female PE teacher who used to encourage us to 'be comfortable' with our bodies while changing, nothing any of us havnt seen before girls! :/


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    #114
    Shakespeare's Sister
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,412 ✭✭✭Shakespeare's Sister


    One legend of an eccentric nun:

    - Don't wear patent (shiny-finish) shoes when dancing with a boy as he only has to look down at them to see the reflection of up your skirt
    - When sitting on a boy's lap, put newspaper under you

    She was off her rocker but harmless.


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    #115
    MonkeyTennis
    Registered Users Posts: 3,098 ✭✭✭MonkeyTennis


    I have no favourites in this class, I hate you all equally.


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    #116
    Rubberlegs
    Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    There was a batty old nun in secondary school, who taught us Italian. She stopped a girl in the corridor once, and asked her "Are you the clock?". Heard years later that she'd died at the bus stop .
    Our religion teacher throughout secondary was sex mad, all we ever did was sex education, it was brilliant!!
    Other than that, can remember the Physics teacher asking the Spanish students did they want a duster in the head, because they kept jabbering away in Spanish during class.


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    #117
    PopePalpatine
    Registered Users Posts: 11,844 ✭✭✭✭PopePalpatine


    somesoldiers wrote: »
    Failing that, join the clergy

    The favourite daughter would become a doctor, and then the idiot sister would be sent off to the convent. :pac:


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    #118
    Ruu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,622 ✭✭✭Ruu


    Had an Art teacher from Mayo, knew his stuff but used to go off on one from time to time. I can't remember what happened before the below only they had to finish the conversation in the principals office.

    Teacher: ...and you, ya yobbo, running around here, you belong in a mental institution!

    Student: Don't.You.Ever.Make.Fun of mentally ill people, my uncle is in a mental home, it's not his fault!


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    #119
    Paramite Pie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Paramite Pie


    Chancer3001 wrote: »
    Got taught how to baptise a baby in religion.

    Then a baby with no head.

    Then a baby with two heads.

    I learned that too!! The priest said the official term for a two headed baby is a "monstrosity" in Catholic Doctrine. :pac:

    Did ya go to school in Galway by any chance? St. Marys??

    We also learned how to give 'Last Rites' in the absence of a priest.


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    #120
    Cedrus
    Registered Users Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Cedrus


    It amazes me that none of them took anything useful from their nicknames. Did "Dog" think we were impressed with his psychotic rages? "Pimples", "Chubby" and "Snotrag" surely knew that they didn't command respect?

    I was shocked recently to hear that "Big T***" still thought she could 'seduce' young fella to learn 20 years after I left (and she was no spring chicken when I was there!).

    A friend went to a Christian brothers school and a teacher of his was known as "Bender B*******", how did that not ring alarm bells?


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    #121
    Whatsisname
    Registered Users Posts: 5,653 ✭✭✭Whatsisname


    Art teacher for my LC talking to us about abstract still lifes

    "Now lads, I want something crazy, crazy like Lady Gaga on acid"


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