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how to deal with colleague

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  • 16-05-2019 1:40pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi Folks

    I work on the same team as a guy in work I'm having some issues with.

    This guy can be very moody with all staff. He usually has a gripe with one of us at any given moment in time. I know management are aware of his often unpleasant behaviour however he treads a fine line between what he can get away with and not. Generally he will only direct this bad form at people of no consequence however management are sometimes included in this as well!

    A few people have said to management that they find his behaviour difficult. He's often late to work too.

    My own feeling is that he's a fairly unhappy guy. One key trait is that his mood will worsen when others are in good form.

    Everyone treats him with respect, generally that's how we are all with each other.

    Last year he was annoyed that myself and another fella went off for a charity cycle on a Friday (he doesn't cycle himself).

    As a result he ignored me for a month. Which was some feat seeing as we work on the same team.

    Currently he's at it again. I told myself that if he played that trick again I would go to HR about it. I thought I could get by and ignore it but the longer it goes on the deeper in my mind it gets and it's grinding me down.

    That along with another piece of work I'm doing has me stressed out of my mind. I can't get it out of my head. I'm fed up with him treating people like dirt whenever he wants. I had to take a few days off as it has got me so down. I have an illness which flares up with extreme stress and it has done so so I couldn't do anything in the short term to help with that.

    What can I do?

    I should say that we have been quite friendly to each other over the last few years... but noone is off-limits to his projections.


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    #2
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    You can either approach him directly and ask him if there is a reason he is not speaking to you or just go to HR and tell them what you have told us here.

    But if you go to HR you need to have recorded instances where his behaviour is causing a problem to show them - otherwise its just you saying he is difficult with no evidence.

    Personally I would be direct with him (at least at first) and call him out on it if he is not speaking to you and you need to interact with him. Say it aloud in front of someone else, not when you are alone with him.

    When you say he ignores you, does he respond to work related emails, verbal queries or how does it work?


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My original plan was to directly ask him after I'm through with this bit of work that's also causing me a bit of stress but now having taken a day or two away from the office I was going to mention it 'off the record' to management and that I was still considering how best to deal with it.

    No he is not ignoring work related matters, however we are open plan and sit opposite one another.

    We would normally have a bit of chat across the desks but any kind of conversation outside work matters and even sharing space like the kitchen has is being avoided.

    I don't want to co-exist like this, but as it happens out of the blue and takes up too much space in my mind I need a resolve.

    Is it bullying? I'm not sure..

    I know the official route would probably just have him dig his heels in more, but it has to stop somewhere...

    I'd be fairly forgiving, particularly as I don't think it's something I've done that is the root of this behaviour... but that empathy is only stretching so far these days.. I've had 3 years of it..

    I said to myself I'd keep a diary of this behaviour last time round but stupidly I didn't.


    thanks for the reply


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    #4
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,187 ✭✭✭Augme


    Unfortunately you can't force a work colleague to be chatty with you. I would be amazed if HR would do anything because then it would out themselves in a very difficult position. As long as he is doing his work, interacting with his work colleagues on work related issues he's not doing anything that can get him into trouble.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Augme wrote: »
    Unfortunately you can't force a work colleague to be chatty with you. I would be amazed if HR would do anything because then it would out themselves in a very difficult position. As long as he is doing his work, interacting with his work colleagues on work related issues he's not doing anything that can get him into trouble.

    OP here - yeah he knows where the line is. It’s so frustrating -what he’s doing is simple and effective... it’s like a game of stares, whoever blinks first loses! He’s damn good at it.. I think I’ll flag it and try to resolve by myself - best case scenario we work it out and all is good - worst case scenario I kill him with kindness.


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    #6
    bottlebrush
    Registered Users Posts: 8,192 ✭✭✭bottlebrush


    hi op. I have come across this behaviour regularly - in every case the person thought (sometimes rightfully so) that they were working harder than everybody else, were being given more responsibility than their peers etc with no recognition or reward but were not assertive enough to do something about it. so they acted out in a passive aggressive or aggressive way to their colleagues. do you think this might be the case with your colleague?


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    #7
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    Request you move desks and explain to your line manager why you want to move.

    This guy is totally indifferent to the effect it has on you or your feelings.

    You cannot change him or his behaviour. But you can change your approach to it. The first step is accepting its him and not you.

    Only deal with him on a professional level, it will take a little time but you need to accept that this is who he is and who he will always be.

    While this is obviously causing you stress and anxiety, it is having no impact on him simply because he doesn't care about how his behaviour affects you.

    You will never be 100% satisfied with how you interact with this guy unless he changes jobs, but you can reduce anxiety and stress levels by realising the guy is a dick and there is nothing you can do to change it.


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    #8
    wally1990
    Registered Users Posts: 1,222 ✭✭✭wally1990


    What exactly is he doing OP out of interest?

    Is he Condescending about work done by others?
    Does he give personal insults to people ?
    Does he moan or sigh out loud?


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    #9
    CageWager
    Registered Users Posts: 545 ✭✭✭CageWager


    OP, you need to toughen up on this IMO. So some lad on your team isn’t friendly to you and you need to take time off work to deal with the stress??? And then people on here advise you to take notes and go tattle to HR.

    Here’s a mad concept: Act like an adult. If he is giving you overt abuse or generally messing with you in a work context, CONFRONT HIM. Tell him (in a professional and unemotional manner) under no uncertain terms that you expect a standard of respect from
    colleagues and you won’t accept anything less.

    Everyone these days wants to believe that the bully will go away if you ask him really nicely but the simple fact is that he won’t.

    I know this attitude isn’t to everyones taste but in my personal and professional experience, offence is the best form of defence in these situations.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He sounds like a knob and a covert bully Op from what im getting. Usually their tactics are so subtle, it's difficult to catch them out. Truly pathetic that he ignored you for a month because you went cycling with another colleague.

    Ignore him but keep it civil and as professional as you can. If he makes smart comments or put downs laugh them off. Keep a record.

    Suss out other colleagues who also notice his behaviours. Don't talk about him as such but just give each other a nod about it as a support.

    He's probably miserable. You meet people like that sometimes who hate to see other people doing well. Don't let him bother you.


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    #11
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    OP he has the right to ignore you I.e not engage in chat. If his behavior is detrimental to your work then it’s an issue but other than that, then it’s yours.

    Him turning up late for work is none of your business and for all you know may be agreed.

    Him treating other people like dirt is nothing to do with you.

    It appears you are having workplace issues due to stress of your work and your illness. Seek assistance for that and don’t project this onto someone else. All the above is incorrect if he is isolating, ostracizing, intimidating you etc. but from what you said it’s a case of a personality clash.

    For example, let’s say he posted here and said he is trying to get on with work and under pressure when one of his team ups and leaves for a non work charity ride without a care in the world for the pressure of everyone else. To try and put it behind him he tries not to engage but notices the same person looking at their watch when they arrive for work and looking with disdain at how they interact with others. What would you post as an outsider?

    Hope you get help with your stress and begin to enjoy work.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bottlebrush wrote: »
    hi op. I have come across this behaviour regularly - in every case the person thought (sometimes rightfully so) that they were working harder than everybody else, were being given more responsibility than their peers etc with no recognition or reward but were not assertive enough to do something about it. so they acted out in a passive aggressive or aggressive way to their colleagues. do you think this might be the case with your colleague?

    it is possible I know he has other work obligations that take up some of his weekends.

    As I said before I feel he's a fairly unhappy guy, perhaps this is one of the reasons..

    I don't think he is overburdened with work in our office though but it is an interesting angle.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    StinkyMunkey wrote: »
    Request you move desks and explain to your line manager why you want to move.

    This guy is totally indifferent to the effect it has on you or your feelings.

    You cannot change him or his behaviour. But you can change your approach to it. The first step is accepting its him and not you.

    Only deal with him on a professional level, it will take a little time but you need to accept that this is who he is and who he will always be.

    While this is obviously causing you stress and anxiety, it is having no impact on him simply because he doesn't care about how his behaviour affects you.

    You will never be 100% satisfied with how you interact with this guy unless he changes jobs, but you can reduce anxiety and stress levels by realising the guy is a dick and there is nothing you can do to change it.

    I suppose deep down I would rather remain on good terms but perhaps it will ultimately come to this. I can't see him changing.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    wally1990 wrote: »
    What exactly is he doing OP out of interest?

    Is he Condescending about work done by others?
    Does he give personal insults to people ?
    Does he moan or sigh out loud?


    He's very snappy, he ignores people systematically, quite a lot of 'chip on the shoulder' comments, oddly yes, lots of moans and sighs....

    quite a bit of rushing across the floor to call out someones mistake directly to them..

    stomps around the office too when he's coming and going..

    stuff you can live with but I've had enough.. never crosses the line of cursing though or anything that would land him in hot water


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    CageWager wrote: »
    OP, you need to toughen up on this IMO. So some lad on your team isn’t friendly to you and you need to take time off work to deal with the stress??? And then people on here advise you to take notes and go tattle to HR.

    Here’s a mad concept: Act like an adult. If he is giving you overt abuse or generally messing with you in a work context, CONFRONT HIM. Tell him (in a professional and unemotional manner) under no uncertain terms that you expect a standard of respect from
    colleagues and you won’t accept anything less.

    Everyone these days wants to believe that the bully will go away if you ask him really nicely but the simple fact is that he won’t.

    I know this attitude isn’t to everyones taste but in my personal and professional experience, offence is the best form of defence in these situations.

    I do need to toughen up for sure. However I should point out that we were fairly good mates, so not really just some lad..

    I had to take the time off, it's related to my illness..which worst case scenario could land me in hospital...

    I have since learned HR know about...from a few different people who have had their own experiences...

    In my dreams I would confront him, sure I've had a load of imaginary conversations with him... I'm going to wait to see what HR do and perhaps we can have that chat if needed.

    cheers for the advice


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    .h.h wrote: »
    He sounds like a knob and a covert bully Op from what im getting. Usually their tactics are so subtle, it's difficult to catch them out. Truly pathetic that he ignored you for a month because you went cycling with another colleague.

    Ignore him but keep it civil and as professional as you can. If he makes smart comments or put downs laugh them off. Keep a record.

    Suss out other colleagues who also notice his behaviours. Don't talk about him as such but just give each other a nod about it as a support.

    He's probably miserable. You meet people like that sometimes who hate to see other people doing well. Don't let him bother you.


    Yeah we were mates but I think I do have to recognise the fact he's a knob. I think it pisses him off hugely that I taken the bait... however it has got to me obviously..


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    joeguevara wrote: »
    OP he has the right to ignore you I.e not engage in chat. If his behavior is detrimental to your work then it’s an issue but other than that, then it’s yours.

    Him turning up late for work is none of your business and for all you know may be agreed.

    Him treating other people like dirt is nothing to do with you.

    It appears you are having workplace issues due to stress of your work and your illness. Seek assistance for that and don’t project this onto someone else. All the above is incorrect if he is isolating, ostracizing, intimidating you etc. but from what you said it’s a case of a personality clash.

    For example, let’s say he posted here and said he is trying to get on with work and under pressure when one of his team ups and leaves for a non work charity ride without a care in the world for the pressure of everyone else. To try and put it behind him he tries not to engage but notices the same person looking at their watch when they arrive for work and looking with disdain at how they interact with others. What would you post as an outsider?

    Hope you get help with your stress and begin to enjoy work.


    Perhaps he does have the right, but he's creating a lot of tension in the office and I think he's going to be called up on it.

    His turning up late has not been agreed, and guess who picks up the slack?? Definitely my business.

    Yes, I won't stand for bullying of other individuals. Sorry, I can't turn my back on that carry on. Thankfully it looks like others haven't turned their back on my issue.

    I'm not clashing with him at all, it's not a personality clash, we have been fairly good mates in the past.

    The only issue I've had in work is with this guy and this type of behaviour, other than that I'm happy out.

    The stress thing is just external study related, so that will be over soon enough. My illness, well that's been managed for the last 2 decades but stress effects it unfortunately.

    It's not a projection, it's not as if I've conjured up the whole thing as a result of my own work etc.

    Thanks for your input


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thanks for all the posts

    turns out a lot of other people have talked to HR about their own experiences with him. I'm not sure what they can or will do but it's in their hands now.

    Personally I'll just carry on and try not to stress, perhaps talk to him when this bad patch is over.

    Cheers.


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    joeguevara wrote: »

    For example, let’s say he posted here and said he is trying to get on with work and under pressure when one of his team ups and leaves for a non work charity ride without a care in the world for the pressure of everyone else. To try and put it behind him he tries not to engage but notices the same person looking at their watch when they arrive for work and looking with disdain at how they interact with others. What would you post as an outsider?

    Hope you get help with your stress and begin to enjoy work.

    I see where you're coming from in the above scenario. However I have never questioned his time keeping to his face and have always been welcoming when he does arrive in.

    I know at the time our office was dead so I don't believe it was a case of being overburdened with work. Within that day he had organised something for himself to attend the following Monday. So fair being fair that wasn't a problem for me. I should have been a bit more detailed.

    It was a once off and surely didn't merit an entire month of being ignored?


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    #20
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    OP, I think you have a valid issue here, and it is something management should pay attention to... however you may need to frame it differently to get some focus on it.


    First of all, management put people together in an area, call them a “team” and that’s that. It doesn’t work when people don’t know how to form a team, and this guy seems to be one of those.

    Team formation involves being able to rely on your colleagues, opening up to them a bit and some social interaction. Being in a team IS definitely part of his job. You know this innately, your colleague does not. There is training material available on it, if your hr or management team want to organise it. Rather than focusing on a personal grievance with his behaviour, which they cannot solve, try asking for team formation training for the whole team.


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    NineThirtyThree wrote: »
    Yeah we were mates but I think I do have to recognise the fact he's a knob. I think it pisses him off hugely that I taken the bait... however it has got to me obviously..

    It's hard when you were friends before but difficult people who sulk like that and take their mood out on other people generally are too wrapped up in themselves to see or care about the effect it has on other people. He's not professional. Don't take any of it personally and dont feel sorry for him. Stay civil and distance yourself as much as you possibly can and do what you have to do to get your own work done.


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    #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    pwurple wrote: »
    OP, I think you have a valid issue here, and it is something management should pay attention to... however you may need to frame it differently to get some focus on it.


    First of all, management put people together in an area, call them a “team” and that’s that. It doesn’t work when people don’t know how to form a team, and this guy seems to be one of those.

    Team formation involves being able to rely on your colleagues, opening up to them a bit and some social interaction. Being in a team IS definitely part of his job. You know this innately, your colleague does not. There is training material available on it, if your hr or management team want to organise it. Rather than focusing on a personal grievance with his behaviour, which they cannot solve, try asking for team formation training for the whole team.


    I think that this is the perfect angle to take. Rolling it back to the importance of what it means to be on a team and the expectations of one another is great start. If the team is working well then there's an opportunity for all the other stuff to improve too.

    Thanks for the post.


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    #23
    cloudatlas
    Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    NineThirtyThree wrote: »
    thanks for all the posts

    turns out a lot of other people have talked to HR about their own experiences with him. I'm not sure what they can or will do but it's in their hands now.

    Personally I'll just carry on and try not to stress, perhaps talk to him when this bad patch is over.

    Cheers.

    No don't wait for h.r. to do something, make an appointment to speak to someone and add your name to the list, other people are suffering too and you can all help each other out.

    Something like... 'This person is causing me some stress, I have a condition I can't afford to be stressed, they are quite aggressive confronting others openly in the office, being uncommunicative, creating an atmosphere that is not conducive to a harmonious office environment, when they are late I have to cover their workload, I'm not happy addressing this with them directly as I'm worried they will respond in a confrontational way'. 'I think at this stage this needs to be addressed'. 'I would like to move my desk to another part of the office as I am not happy being near this person'.

    And then see what they say.... For god sake don't let them away with it, I worked in an office with someone exactly like what you describe, they were absolutely toxic and I dithered and waited until I realised others were also upset and the person was subsequently brought into a disciplinary meeting but I was annoyed at myself because I should have stood up and flagged it before it got worse.

    Do something now especially since everyone else has got your back.


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