Cant stop looking at other peoples lives..

LegacyUser · 12-05-2019 5:54pm #1

I'm not feeling very well in myself. I wouldn't call it depression more a massive sense of inadequacy and loneliness. I spend hours a day looking at other people and their friends on Facebook. Im a 35 yr old male with no friends outside of work, and all I do with my spare time is help my family out (run errands for them) or do chores in my apartment. I have given up on any social life, its pure lack of effort on my behalf. Im not so far gone that I don't know why I haven't friends- I go nowhere so I see nobody, I just lack the courage to get out there.
The issue is I browse FB pages from similar people my age from the city, I check all their old and recent pictures on nights out and I feel so jealous, what's weird is I am constantly looking at a particular group of lads my own age who I have never ever spoke to and I keep thinking "They seem such nice people, id love to have a group of people to sit in the pub with and have drinks and laugh and joke" which I know is plain delusional because I don't follow sport at all and all these lads are at soccer matches and drinking heavily so I know I would have NOTHING in common with them but im drawn to them, maybe I feel I would like a social life too and they represent that. I feel FB is a lie deep down, that people only show their best side and a snapshot in time of lads smiling at a table wont show hidden resentments and people who don't like each other etc. But even knowing this, I cant stop the lurking and wishing. I spent 8 HOURS on FB last weekend!

I feel im going to do massive damage to my mental health if I don't reframe my mindset on this and meeting new people, can you help me please with trying to overcome this?

Daisy78 · 12-05-2019 10:45pm

Well first things first, restrict your use of social media and come off bloody Facebook. It’s doing absolutely nothing for your self esteem. Look maybe it is the case that these people have great lives but so what, how will dwelling on that make you feel any better about your own life? Social media, the online world in general can be a curse if you allow it to suck you in. I know people, who objectively live quite decent, fulfilling lives who spend hours and hours on instagram and the like, comparing themselves unfavorably to people they have never met. You are a young man with so much potential but things won’t change unless you do something to make them change. What hobbies have you got? Are you involved in your local community, do you volunteer? You need to start somewhere. Also have you any old friends living in the area that you could make contact with? Maybe drop them a message and see if they would be interested in meeting up? Is there a social club at work? If not could you organize one? The first step in all of this though is to limit your social media use, you won’t be in the right place mentally to go out and meet anyone unless you stop with the comparison.

completedit · 12-05-2019 11:22pm

You're at an awkward age. But it's not impossible at all. Also, your goals aren't that unrealistic so you're in a good place. If you just want a few lad mates to do **** with, then that's not that hard. But you need to really try man. You need to get out and about, maybe take a bar job or something. Take a course, take up something new.

Rubberchikken · 13-05-2019 1:23am

you dont need to like soccer or sport for that matter.
decide what it is you enjoy and then find a group or organisation to join and that way you'll connect with others and make friends.

i agree with other posters. leave social media aside whenever you can.
it probably does look like people are always having fun and never lonely or sad but the reality is people post attractive pictures not necessarily always truthful ones.

Gorgeousgeorge · 13-05-2019 1:30am

A hobby. You need a hobby. Must be something you are passionate about or have a keen interest in. Can literally be anything from historical to archery to astronomy. Great way of meeting people and getting out and about. Noting better than being with like minded folk

zoobizoo · 13-05-2019 2:28pm

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

A hobby. You need a hobby. Must be something you are passionate about or have a keen interest in. Can literally be anything from historical to archery to astronomy. Great way of meeting people and getting out and about. Noting better than being with like minded folk

Yep - when I took up a hobby in my mid 30s it opened up a whole new life for me... weekends away, good friends, lots of acquaintances and something in common to talk about.

Granadino · 13-05-2019 10:29pm

Get off Facebook for starters. Delete your account. Best thing I ever did was delete my Facebook and Twitter. To think of the hours I wasted on it, seeing pics of strangers in my feed everyday. I eventually thought "why the f*ck am I looking at someone I barely know having a bbq with people I don't know". You hardly expect people to be putting up pics of things going wrong in their lives too, so it's total bullsh*t.
Delete or deactivate your account and set yourself free!

wiggle16 · 14-05-2019 1:07am

You need to get off Facebook, pronto. Delete or at least suspend your account - you can see it is not doing you any good, you're not getting anything out of it and you're not even really enjoying having it! In fact it's making you feel worse because it comes across in your post that you are unhappy with yourself for spending so much time vicariously experiencing things through the photos these other lads have put up on their profiles - and like you say, it's all spin anyway. Get rid of it!

As others have said, it sounds like you could do with taking up a hobby or an activity, something to get you out of your apartment just for you.
When you say running errands, what do you mean? Unless you are caring for elderly parents or an infirm relative, who can't get out and about, limit the amount of time you spend running errands for family, or cut it out entirely - you need to live your own life, not make it easier for others to live theirs at your expense. If these errands involve helping out a sibling with their kids or something, scale that way back. Unless you are the primary care-giver for someone who cannot look after themselves, make yourself less available. They will cope!

One thing I might suggest, if you have any interest in it: what do you think about language classes? They are a brilliant way to meet people because interaction with other people taking the class is pretty much mandatory (at least in any class worth its salt). Another poster suggested volunteering and that's a great idea too. Pick something, anything you have an interest in, and get yourself out there!

zoobizoo · 14-05-2019 10:17am

I second the language class idea. I did it when I moved abroad. Ended up house sharing with one of my class mates, went on a couple of weekends to Spain with other class mates to practice the language

and I had 2 evenings a week where I met a bunch of like minded people and after class we'd go for a drink or 2.

Can I recommend The Feeling Good Handbook as a good place to start to help you get out there.

FAcebook:

I find it useful for keeping in touch with people abroad who I met travelling / loose acquaintances. I have deleted any close friends off my account - I'll be in touch with them by phone or text. I have also unfollowed everyone so nothing appears in my feed other than ads and info from groups. So I actively have to search to find out what people are up to.

If you don't find it a positive thing for you, then suspend your account .

Cant stop looking at other peoples lives..

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